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Old 03-30-2011, 05:37 PM   #1
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Loss for words

I am at a loss for words at this moment. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. The first 2 years were full of deception, lies, cheating and pain, I found out about it all about 9 months ago. I came into this relationship with emotional baggage from previous abusive relationships so I did not handle myself in the best manner initially. I had the mind frame that who ever put up with me is God sent because I was difficult and broken... With that said I have made a lot of positive changes in my behavior and attitude. I try to think of how I speak and how I can word things better or use better approaches. My boyfriend has also been working on changing, but his change has come slow. I know I am going on but I just have so much on my mind. When he gets upset or I bring up an issue that I don't like or I'm uncomfortable with he may start out calmly but then soon lashes out on me, disrespects me, tells me to shut the ****** up, calls me stupid, punches holes in walls, tells me I'm weak, threatens to leave me because according to him, I'm always starting stuff. It can be something as simples as me say, "I don't like how you talked to me" and he replies, "your too f**king sensitive." I cry a lot. This is the cycle of my relationships. I know this is mental and emotional abuse. And I would know exactly what to do if someone else was in this relationship. I just keep digging myself in a deeper and deeper hole. We live together. The monthly rent is 750. We just purchased two T.V. together on my credit card that we both paying on equaling 2,041. We just purchased tickets to Jamaica, which he owes me 1000.00 for. We have our cells phone together under my name. I will be financially f**ked if we part ways. But happiness is priceless and in my right mind I would be able to lose all that if I could be happy. My dilemma is that I am scared. Scared of his reaction when we break it off. Scared of losing the relationship. Scared of what my future holds. I know this is hard to understand when you haven't been in abusive relationships, but this makes perfect sense to me. I do love him. And I am angry at myself for allowing this treatment and believing him when he tells me he is going to change, changes for a short period and then goes back to the same ******.On top of that he just pawned an anklet of mine that he gave me without telling me. He claimed he was going to get it back for before I noticed it was gone, but really? That is a breach of trust.Trust that we were working on building. He then lashes out on me and it's day two of the battle. He didn't like my reaction and said I went overboard when I locked all my credit cards, checks and jewlery in a safe box. I don't know exactly what I am looking for in this message board because I know only I can change this. At the moment I feel weak. I feel like I don't have the courage to change my life as it is now because I am fearful. Any advice or comments would be helpful.....

 
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:17 PM   #2
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Re: Loss for words

I think you know what you need to do. Get out of it. All that stuff you are talking about, the rent, the tvs, the trip, all that stuff is just stuff. It's meaningless stuff that means nothing in the big picture. You know this guy is no good and you know it's going to continue to be really bad if you stay. So what you need to do is start making an exit plan. Write down all the stuff that needs to be taken care of so you have an idea of how much. Consolidate as much of what is your responsibility and either arrange to make small monthly payments or just get rid of it. Sell it off. Or throw it away.

The most important thing is you getting out, so if that means losing some money in the process then so be it. It's only money, there will be other money in the future. Once you get out, remember this as a lesson to never again live with nor share bills with someone ever again unless you are married and even then maintain an independent ability to take care of yourself because there are no guarantees in life and the only person in your life who truly cares about you is you. You always need to look out for yourself throughout your life and make sure you never find yourself in a situation where you are dependent on someone else.

Last edited by Kszan; 03-30-2011 at 08:19 PM.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 05:15 AM   #3
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Re: Loss for words

OK, who goes and pawns their girlfriend's stuff? Are there still pawn shops in existence, with Ebay and CL? Regardless, that's one of the lowest things a guy could do, short of cheating or abuse. Is he funding a drug problem?

 
Old 03-31-2011, 07:19 AM   #4
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Re: Loss for words

Why will you be financially messed up if you break up? Everything is in your name. Cancel the cell phone. Transfer or sell the tickets to Jamaica. Return the tv if it's been less than 30 days or whatever the store return policy allows, some stores will let you return up to 90 days. Check their policy. If you can't return it, sell it online somewhere. They're all in your name, you paid for it all, you have yet to see one dime from him for any of it, right? Yu can do whatever you want to with all of it and recoup a good chunk of your money. To be perfectly honest, I don't see where that's a real big problem. I think we get down to it later in your post. You're afraid of his reaction, you're afraid of him. He's mean and abusive, and maybe you're afraid he'll hit you, beat you, or damage your belongings. well that's what the police are for. I'm sure you can see how messed up it is to stay in an abusive relationship because you're afraid of more abuse. The answer isn't to stay and be as placating and accommodating as possible, the answer is to get out.

I know the thought of being alone can be scary sometimes, and we get afraid that we'll never find someone else, but trust me, because I swear, after you've been away from him for a while, and your money is your own, and your belongings are your own, and you don't have to walk on eggshells with a knot in your stomach anymore, and you're not going broke from all the things you buy for him and don't get paid back for, you'll notice feeling freer and breathing easier and you'll wonder why you ever wanted to stay with him. Like I always say, alone may suck, but bad company is way worse, and honey, what you got is some kinda bad company. It's really up to you. All the obstacles stopping you from walking out the door, seems to be you have put them there yourself. You can remove them. You just have to want to. And when you look at it logically and rationally, why wouldn't you want to?

 
Old 03-31-2011, 04:07 PM   #5
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Re: Loss for words

You're right, you're the only person that can change your situation.

The thing is that you need to do is tell yourself that you are NOT going to be a victim anymore. You are in control of the situation if you choose to be. It's not going to be easy and scary at times, but YOUR HAPPINESS AND LIFE is worth fighting for!!!

As the others have mentioned, the stuff that you're worried about are just material things.

I would make some suggestions about how to handle the situation. It goes without saying that you should not be with this person. Good relationships have trust, respect, and good communication. Neither is present for you.

When you break up with him I would do it in a public place. Make sure there are lots of people around. Also, make sure you have a male friend/relative around when you go back to your place with him to get his stuff out (or yours if you want to leave). Do not be alone at anytime while your there with him. I would even suggest staying with a friend or relative for a few days (or more) to let things calm down a bit.

Remember, you're a good person and deserve to be happy. Have confidence in yourself that you will prevail!

 
Old 03-31-2011, 05:06 PM   #6
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Re: Loss for words

leave him, worry about everything else later. you can't sacrifice your happiness just because you have 'things' in your name and to pay. life will pass you by one day and if you stay you'll look back one day and think what the hell did i stay for and waste my time , my energy, my ruined happiness all for him.

another thing, if you leave PLEASE PLEASE make sure you are well away and safe. always make sure that. i say this because i recently left a relationship and i moved out and he came to the area where i live in TODAY and attacked me and now i am scared if he will do anything else. please make sure your safe.

Last edited by cryingforever; 03-31-2011 at 05:08 PM.

 
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