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Old 03-31-2011, 12:35 PM   #1
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BF no affectionate

Hi

My bf and I have been together nearly 6 years and he is not really the affectionate type. We rented this house for 2 years now and a year before we stopped having sex and a year into living in the house he didn't want sex. Before he said it was because we were living at my mothers in one room and lo was sharing with us. Then we moved and he was the same.
I use to dress up for him and to only be rejected by him and it mad me feel horrible. Like I am not what he wanted so stopped trying to get close to him.

Then we started having sex again and we were fine but now we not had sex in months again. I know he don't want me to get pregnant as I am not using anything but I would if he wanted to have sex but as he is not even loving or showing me physically love. It's not worth it.

At the moment we are going through stress and probably not best time to bring this up to him all I been making jokes tonight we seem like we are friends not lovers. We are a great team with our son running the house but no time for each other. He said we have lo now but he is 4 and we never left him only one or twice with family to go out on our own.

I suggested so many things in the past thinking he would change but he is not.

I have lately been thinking of this ex and it's not like I want him just miss the affection he use to give me. Just someone to hold which my Bf don't do.
He thinks he shoulds it by the way he treats which he does I know he cares and looks after me but truthfully he is like a really good friend.

But I don't even know if I am in love with him. Anyone got advice?

Last edited by secretive28; 03-31-2011 at 12:37 PM.

 
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:42 PM   #2
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Re: BF no affectionate

So, if you were to say to him, for example "I love you, I am committed to our family and I want our relationship to work. I need to know if your intention is that we have a sexless relationship?", what would his response be?

 
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:40 AM   #3
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Re: BF no affectionate

Hmmm, why don't you try making him a little jealous of you?

Spend more time looking after yourself, shape up, if you need it, change your hair-do, your make-up, wear different colours, etc...

He may start paying more attention to you and wonder what is going on. He may even want to approach you again before ... (fill in).

 
Old 04-01-2011, 06:07 AM   #4
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Re: BF no affectionate

you shouldnt have to change the way you look, hair do's etc to get his love and affections he should be doing it anyway. i think having a make over could be done to make YOU feel better and confident, not for him. i see where pendulums coming from though. maybe this relationships just run its course. you said you tried so many times and its failed most of the time. why bother trying anymore? doubt anything will change.

 
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Old 04-01-2011, 07:05 AM   #5
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Re: BF no affectionate

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Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
you shouldnt have to change the way you look, hair do's etc to get his love and affections he should be doing it anyway. i think having a make over could be done to make YOU feel better and confident, not for him. i see where pendulums coming from though. maybe this relationships just run its course. you said you tried so many times and its failed most of the time. why bother trying anymore? doubt anything will change.
Secretive

I am not saying this is your case, but in a relationship each one must do their best to stay attractive, healthy, well-groomed, well-dressed, etc, not only for themselves, but also for their partners.

This is done not only out of love, but also out of respect.

Nobody needs to be a model, but everyone should have their own programme of self-care.

 
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Old 04-01-2011, 07:58 AM   #6
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Re: BF no affectionate

Secretive...you and your BF need to have a real sit down long talk. Some men, and women, aren't too great at showing affection even when they love someone, but seeing this really bothers you it needs to be discussed.

You have to express your feelings and your willingness to take BC if that would bring you closer, but he has to also tell you why he feels sex isn't needed. Trying all sorts of new stuff like clothes etc. isn't going to work unless you know for sure what the problem is. If for some reason he may just not be willing to give you affection then you need to tell him it is important to you and if he can't, maybe you should move on as living as "friends" isn't your idea of a partnership.

Don't forget, a 4 yr. old can sense discomfort in a home and if that is what is happening, your both affecting his well being. Is your BF a loving dad? If he isn't, then there is really something bothering him and you need to get to the bottom of it for everyone's sake.

Wishing you all the best..JJ..
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:01 AM   #7
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Re: BF no affectionate

I agree with JJ, you need to talk it out with him. You say in this thread and in your other thread that you don't really love your partner, that you're with him more out of convenience and security rather than love. Perhaps he simply feels the same about you? Maybe what you have together is as good as it's gonna get. Talk about it, and then decide what you want to do about it.

 
Old 04-01-2011, 09:28 AM   #8
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Re: BF no affectionate

Quote:
Originally Posted by JJ View Post
Secretive...you and your BF need to have a real sit down long talk. Some men, and women, aren't too great at showing affection even when they love someone, but seeing this really bothers you it needs to be discussed.

You have to express your feelings and your willingness to take BC if that would bring you closer, but he has to also tell you why he feels sex isn't needed. Trying all sorts of new stuff like clothes etc. isn't going to work unless you know for sure what the problem is. If for some reason he may just not be willing to give you affection then you need to tell him it is important to you and if he can't, maybe you should move on as living as "friends" isn't your idea of a partnership.

Don't forget, a 4 yr. old can sense discomfort in a home and if that is what is happening, your both affecting his well being. Is your BF a loving dad? If he isn't, then there is really something bothering him and you need to get to the bottom of it for everyone's sake.

Wishing you all the best..JJ..
I agree with this, too, even though you say that at the moment you are going through stress and probably not best time to bring this up to him.

Please find a way of doing it.

 
Old 04-02-2011, 01:57 AM   #9
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Re: BF no affectionate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Curious One View Post
So, if you were to say to him, for example "I love you, I am committed to our family and I want our relationship to work. I need to know if your intention is that we have a sexless relationship?", what would his response be?
Hi Curious One,

Very good question.

For one he would not say he loved me back. He says I should know he loves me by what he does etc. He would say that he just does not feel like sex and maybe use our financial situation as excuse or just say simply he just don't feel like sex.

 
Old 04-02-2011, 02:53 AM   #10
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Re: BF no affectionate

Hi

This guy from my past we were never serious just a fling. My bf was first BF I got serious with so when he and I got together we both going through things. I had a stillbirth at 8 months and he split for girlfriend he really loved.
Felt out of place though as I fell for him and he was still in love with his ex whom he was still friends with. We were friends before we got together. He was the one who said that he dreamt he kissed me etc.
After getting together I saw a text saying he still loved her. I had to hear about her all the time saw pics on pc etc. All this and then he came to see me and said they are not talking. As he claimed they were friends but I knew it was the case of her playing games know he had a new girlfriend and know he still loved her.
I suppose from then on I was felt I was never good enough for him. He was never affectionate but I did love him we had a great sex life. Infact he made me feel better than I ever felt with any of the past guys I been with as only 1really I dated for 6 months and can tell u I didn't love him at all which is a whole other issue.

I knew he was not cheating but I suppose I feel he could speak to other female rather that me. We had our son things were okay for a while then he would chat to this female friend all the time. Him and her seem to have like an emotional relationship I got really jealous of how he could sit for ages downstairs on the phone rather than spend time with me. If it was one day a week but it was getting like everyday all the time. Then I did a silly thing started chatting to this guy over the internet really trying to make my bf jealous. He did get very jealous. He was so mad felt I was going to leave him for this guy we nearly split up for good.
Then our relationship was very good for ages and I felt that we were back on track again. We decided to go live in a house next to my father and the year before we stopped having sex and it was like a year into moving to new house.
I just threw myself into this new house we started renting and him working and I just feel we were drifting apart again. He loves the pc and the same music chatrooms I was on chatting to this guy he went back on too. I deleted the site and I suppose I did say to him u go back I won't.
Then I thought back to this one guy and even though it was a fling I felt we connected and felt he cared about me. Then again now I feel stupid he was real bad boy.

So if being honest I probably do love him deep down maybe I just hate feeling as if I was second best. I do wonder what if he never fell out with his ex would he have strung me a long then broke up to go back to her. I have dreamt we split up and I use to cry about it. I should appreciate what I have and not look back.

We seem to be okay again as soon as I said I feel like we are friends he got the message loud and clear and switched and we seem to be okay. We still not getting intimate but I am not left on my own each night in bed while he is sat on this site on his pc. I guess this is as good as it gets.
We never got out as couple or family but suggested we do stuff together in the house when lo asleep like maybe a meal.

I suppose I was very childish back then.

Last edited by secretive28; 04-02-2011 at 02:56 AM.

 
Old 04-02-2011, 06:57 AM   #11
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Re: BF no affectionate

this is just my opinion....but i think you are miserable still and not okay. i think deep down your truly unhappy but are kidding yourself that everythings fine. i honestly think you could be better off without him and could find true happiness. i think you dont think your worthy of much and that you should just settle for whatevers given. you deserve much much more.

also, your boyfriend seems to only do things with you or for you when he fears you'll leave. the relationship sounds more like a habit.

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-02-2011 at 06:59 AM.

 
Old 04-02-2011, 07:17 PM   #12
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Re: BF no affectionate

I just read your last post about him and his ex. Just my honest opinion but...is he still caring about this other girl but keeps you so he isn't alone? This entire relationship sounds like you would be extremely happy if you got affection, but also turned to another guy on the PC for lack of it. Try and think down the road a bit, will this really get better?

I definately would never tell anyone what to do, but read your own posts and see what maybe others see, someone who is longing for affection but not getting it, maybe because another woman is in the picture? It sounds like you yourself even wonder if he would drop you for her...NOT good.

Never play second fiddle to anyone, it will only ruin your self esteem. I hope this all works out in the end, but I still say you both need to be totally honest with each other about your feelings or it will not work.

Wishing you the best...JJ...

BTW..take it from someone who has been married 51 years..I know what ups and downs are. This to me is not a few ups and downs, it's total lack of any communication that needs fixing.
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Last edited by JJ; 04-02-2011 at 07:54 PM. Reason: Added info.

 
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Old 04-05-2011, 03:25 PM   #13
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Re: BF no affectionate

Quote:
Originally Posted by JJ View Post
I just read your last post about him and his ex. Just my honest opinion but...is he still caring about this other girl but keeps you so he isn't alone? This entire relationship sounds like you would be extremely happy if you got affection, but also turned to another guy on the PC for lack of it. Try and think down the road a bit, will this really get better?

I definately would never tell anyone what to do, but read your own posts and see what maybe others see, someone who is longing for affection but not getting it, maybe because another woman is in the picture? It sounds like you yourself even wonder if he would drop you for her...NOT good.

Never play second fiddle to anyone, it will only ruin your self esteem. I hope this all works out in the end, but I still say you both need to be totally honest with each other about your feelings or it will not work.

Wishing you the best...JJ...

BTW..take it from someone who has been married 51 years..I know what ups and downs are. This to me is not a few ups and downs, it's total lack of any communication that needs fixing.
I am scared to admit you all are right this relationship is over. I want to tell him tonight to make it clear that I am unhappy but feel I will be bad for wanting out we have 4 year old son.
I don't want to go into this but because of certain religious beliefs I have and he don't believe he basically brought home to me something today.
That basically I convert to to this religion in time he would have to marry me which he has always said he dont' want to get married. This all came out as he was telling a friend of this religion and this friend said he was selfish.
Then I basically admitted to him I wanted to us to marry he told me straight away he don't want marriage.
I feel our relationship is breaking into pieces and even though I want to keep us together it's just going to fall apart.
My son is on his holidays not and feel how can I do this to him. Keep going and going in this relationship feel the way I do or just leave be on my own which I feel I am not stronger enough to do. I am on the verge of breaking down.

I am very lost and u may not see me online for awhile sorting out this and everything in my life. I hope I got the strength to tell him it's over.

 
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