My dear neighbor is a sweet friend but she has been driving me nuts lately.
Someone she knew, a 95 year old man who she helped train (she is a personal trainer), passed away this week.
Her statement to me was, "another person I know passed away...I think this is 4 in the past 12 months.....I can't take this anymore..."
Ok, it is painful when someone passes, don't get me wrong. However, as we get older and age, it is something we are going to have to face more and more. It is a part of life.
I understand she is sad, but her case of the "I's" is driving me nuts. The man was 95 years old for crying out loud! He lived a full life!
She lost a great aunt (also in her 90's) a few months ago as well. I am sure there are more, but I can't remember the others right now. Her parents and grandparents are still alive.
I find myself having a hard time biting my tongue when she talks about HERSELF when someone has passed. My silent thoughts are, "imagine their family, kids, etc. and how they are grieving..."
Maybe I am being unsympathetic (just tell me). I did tell her that I was sorry for her loss, but she seems to just go on and one about these things.
Can anyone help me find the right words to say to my neighbor?
Thanks!
P.S. while we are at it, I attended a viewing today for someone I know that passed away. I was so sad last weekend when I learned about his death. He died from a freak accident and has 3 children under 21 year old. He was only 45 years old. I feel so bad for his children and his living parents.
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"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
No I don't think your being unsympathedic as it seems she is a bit obsessed with maybe getting older? Like you said, and it is very true as we age we have to attend more and more wakes and funerals but that is a part of life. Yes it is very sad as I've been to 3 in the past 4 months and all were younger then myself.
Maybe you could VERY politely just say to her..yes I know it is hard to lose a friend, but do think of how sad their family is and what they are going through. You can even throw in a bit of..."but look what a nice long life they had"...if it is someone much older then her. Just biting your tongue is only going to frustrate you more and more and one day maybe you will say something you will regret later.
Hope this helps some....JJ....
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When you come to the end of your rope..tie a knot and hang on!
Anyway, I don't think trying to convince her otherwise (that death usually comes to those who need it, that the real "grievers" are the family, etc, etc) is going to work. Maybe you could try changing her focus slightly. For example: the next time she says something negative about death, tell her you have been reading on past lives and the use of "regression" in psychotherapy. Encourage her to read about it, too. She doesn't need to be a believer, but it'll be helpful for her to get some information on the topic. Who knows this will stop her ranting and provide her with a more balanced view on death.
The Following User Says Thank You to pendulum For This Useful Post: Belly Kelly (04-01-2011)
Thank you - both were helpful. You are right JJ, I feel like I have been biting my tongue and that is why I came here. My neighbor is a bit of a drama queen too, so that adds a lot to her emotions.
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"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
Honestly, I don't see what was so bad about what she said.
Quote:
Her statement to me was, "another person I know passed away...I think this is 4 in the past 12 months.....I can't take this anymore..."
Unless she goes on and on (and on and on) about it, what's the big deal? People deal with death differently, but it's a hard thing for most people to accept, and it effects people in strange ways. It doesn't matter if the person is old, it is just as much of a loss.
And, I could imagine if you lose one person, after another, after another (even if not close family members--but close enough to care) it could start feeling like it is something bad happening to you. It's not like her grieving is taking anything away from the closer family members who are also grieving. If anything, it shows that other people in the deceased's life cared enough about him/her to grieve.
The Following User Says Thank You to caberg For This Useful Post: resolution09 (04-01-2011)
i agree a million percent with caberg. the ladys clearly upset about all these people she cares about whos died. yeah people deal with death differently some become insane, depressed, angry, relief maybe even happy everyones different.
if it bothers you that much, avoid the neighbour.
Last edited by cryingforever; 04-01-2011 at 01:39 PM.
Well, that's the thing, she has been going on and on about it for a week. I think the issue here is that when these people pass away, it isn't about how their loved ones feel, it is about HER feelings.
Like I said, it is more about HER than the family involved.
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"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
You're saying she's making it all about HER, but you're kind of making it about YOU. Let the poor lady grieve, and don't spend time with her if it bothers you. Easy peasy.
Personally, I'm not someone who expresses feelings very well, or at all (not always good), so I'd probably be the opposite of this lady. But I can understand how the death of someone--even someone I don't know all that well--can instill very deep and emotional feelings. No one should be faulted for that.
put yourself in her shoes. a few people she cares about has passed away and she'll never see them again. just because she may not be family doesnt mean she still isnt entitled to grieve. that would be like saying only family can grieve and not friends as its all about the 'familys feelings'. a week? is that all. 7 days is not that much is it really. i'd suggest avoid her if it is bothering you. but i think your been a little unfair shes missing her friends who are no longer around and shes expressing her feelings because shes hurting too. she will probably stop talking about them all the time soon but if ones recently died the emotions are still fresh and will take time to fade a little.
On the one hand, I can understand being frustrated with someone in general because of how they "are" and how they seem to deal with things. And negative people are such a downer, so it's understandable to not want to hang out with someone who rarely have anything positive to say.
However, how people greive and why and how long it takes is such an individual and personal thing, you really can't fault them for it. I mean, for me, when I found out Dale Ernhardt, the Nascar driver died, I was very upset. I never met the guy, I'm not really a fan of the sport, but for some reason it really hit me. When Princess Diana died, same thing. Those kids at Columbine, all of the innocent people on 9/11, and numerous others I've never met but for some reason I reacted with so much sadness, I cried for them and for those they left behind. People in my life have said it was ridiculous to care so much about strangers that I don't know, but I can't help it, I'm very empathic.
I think perhaps you should just, instead of getting mad at her, say, I'm sorry for your loss. And leave it at that. What else can you say? She processes her feelings about death differently. It's not wrong, it's just different, just like everyone is different. Try not to be too hard on her. Just realize her process is not like yours.
well, I am in her shoes. I also lost someone this week as well. And I had 2 funerals last year, all young people I knew with families.
I guess we all just handle these things differently. It is just when we are together (our sons play) she keeps saying how she has to attend all these funerals and she can't take it anymore. I don't know what to say to her when she says this really. I have said things like, "consider yourself lucky for knowing such a wonderful man....or woman" and leave it at that. But she seems to keep bringing up how SHE has to attend another funeral.
I did say one thing that I thought was more logical, and that was, "I am afraid as we age that funerals are going to become more common..."
I will say that perhaps a lot of this has to do with my own spiritual beliefs vs. her beliefs. I don't think she is a religious person. I believe we go to a better place when we pass. Maybe she doesn't, I don't really know. But perhaps the issue here is more about HOW we cope with death and loss. Perhaps the real issue is her lack of coping when it comes to loss.
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"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
Last edited by Belly Kelly; 04-01-2011 at 07:07 PM.
You're saying she's making it all about HER, but you're kind of making it about YOU. Let the poor lady grieve, and don't spend time with her if it bothers you. Easy peasy.
Personally, I'm not someone who expresses feelings very well, or at all (not always good), so I'd probably be the opposite of this lady. But I can understand how the death of someone--even someone I don't know all that well--can instill very deep and emotional feelings. No one should be faulted for that.
I disagree, I have been listening to this lady all week and it overpowers our conversations. In fact, she didn't even know that I also lost someone that I knew, because it was all about her. My friend died last Friday, and it was a tragic death that made the news. Goodness, I was so depressed last weekend. It was shocking at first. The person she knew died on Tuesday morning. When I was listening to her talking about her loss, I didn't chime in and say, "well, I lost someone too" because I let her talk about her loss. It was finally yesterday that I told her that I attended a service for someone I knew. She didn't really say much or ask questions, but proceeded to tell me that her service was next Monday.
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"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
Last edited by Belly Kelly; 04-01-2011 at 07:14 PM.
