ok, I am now engaged, been with the same man for 5.5 years. We live 45 minutes apart. I live with my 24 year old son who still is going to college, trying to graduate.
My son has struggled for the past 8 years since his father died suddenly. He is very smart, but college has not went well for him over the past 5 years. He now is back part time, but only worked a job for a total of about 1 year in the past 5-6 years. He now is working weekends, but he still can get a part time job during the week during his college classes and still has not done this. I am going to be honest, I still pay his cell phone bill, his car repairs/insurance and pretty much all of the household expenses. He has tons of school loans which I thought he would try to step up and work more to try to start getting these down. I know he had depression, but that seems to be under control. I want to move on with my life, move in with my financee, but that would be in a different town, and if I move and he moves with me, his college is going to be about an hour commute, where now it is only 1/2 hour. I feel like I am holding my whole life back because I am waiting for him to get his life together. I just do not know how to handle this anymore. I am feeling he has taken total advantage of me paying for all of his expenses.
For some reason, he just does not want to step up. I guess, why should he when I am paying all of his expenses. He keeps telling me he is getting another job, nothing happens. He came back to live with me from college last July 1st and he just now got a part time job on the weekend... Does anyone have any suggestions?
Give him fair notice and set your plans in motion. Without your son.
I'm not sure why you believe he would move with you. That will only be the case if the offer is made. Why would you assume another adult must go with you?
You do need to make sure he understands this is real. If you rent and would be giving notice to a landlord, write the notice and make sure you give him a copy. Give him a date after which he will have to start making payments for his own expenses. Make sure he understands those due dates. I'd bet he doesn't even know when anything is due.
I think I'd give him 90 days, not do anything immediately. I think it has to be a realistic time frame for him to get a job and a place to live. The thing is, you need to stick to this goal.
I personally would not have any issue with continuing to help support him to a small degree. For instance, if it actually helped you for him to have a cell phone, maybe keep paying that. But it really is time for you to move on with your life. You feel like he's holding you back because he is. Put your son in perspective to other 24 year olds and where they are in life. This is a case where tough love actually will help him. To be frank, any healthy 24 year old man should be embarrassed to still be living with his Mom unless it's because he's stepped in to care for her or is otherwise being responsible, and paying rent carrying their fair share. The fact that he's not is the big red flag that you'll need to do something if you want your life to change. Right now you're right. He has no motivation to be independent. Being dependent is easier.
Last edited by resolution09; 04-02-2011 at 02:15 PM.
I think your first step - if you haven't done so yet - is talking to him, telling him more or less the same you told us here. Share with him your honest feelings and opinions.
Don't stop paying all his expenses overnight, because this will feel like abandonment, but set a few dates for you to stop paying this and that and be kind but firm.
I don't know about the laws in your country, but in this country parents are legally responsible for their "children" until they finish college. Of course this doesn't mean paying their cell phones and expensive clothes, but the basics.
I also think that in his free time, he should help with the household chores and at this point or very soon he should be able to cook, wash, and clean for himself in case he needs to live on his own in the near future.
Doesn't he have friends? Yioung people are often inspired by their friends' achievements. So you could also engage his best friends to help him step up and finally become responsible for his own life.
I think it would work for you to continue to support his basic needs while he goes to school, but things like a cell phone etc. are over the top. I think you should talk to him and be firm and say that you will be moving in with your fiancee and that he's not invited. Talk to him about what you expect him to do, and be very specific. I'm currently living at my parent's and it is easy, but torture. I can't just work at any job, but my mom is putting a gentle but firm pressure to do what I can, and it is helping me get ahead. I hate feeding off of my parents, but in my case it is my only option it seems. However it took my mom being firm before I put in the extra effort. Has he had an official psychiatric assessment? Has he ever had difficulty keeping a job? Perhaps he needs extra training or has mental health problems. I had depression issues, until I realized that my psychiatrist said that I have more than that. It never hurts to get checked, if one doesn't perform up to snuff. I wouldn't assume that he is taking advantage of you right away; I mean he is, by right, but why? Is it because you've been spoiling him? Or because he has mental health issues? both? These are all good questions to answer.