I'm 24 next month. She's turning 21 this fall. We met randomly 6 months ago and hung out a few times and after a couple weeks we had sex and spent the night and realized we really enjoyed eachothers company. She made it clear we were not in a relationship and were more just friends with-benefits. Slowly things got deeper and deeper and we became bf/gf and this is my first serious relationship and the first girl i really ever loved and most importantly the first girl that has ever really loved me. I had sex with many girls through my teens but was always used and got the (i'm not looking for a bf right now). She admitted to me in the beginning she has some emotional problems and was skeptical about me being with her since i was soooo (perfect) and she was not.
Apparantly her dad was never really a part of her childhood. He was there but just a true workaholic. She says he never even hugged her, took her out for father/daughter days, never bought her birthday gifts. May i add she is russian and moved here at the age of 9. I know things are quite different on the other side of the world and i've heard about russian fathers and how they do not show love and work themselves to death. She also said through her teens she completly acted out with the wrong group of friends and was heavily involved in the "clubbing" scene between 17-19. Her and her underage friends would get themselves inebriated and take home random guys, she stated shes been with about 25 men and they were almost all 1 night stands and says that she just really enjoys sex and wanted to do it although she does look back at those years with regret and admits she was young and careless but shes reformed now. She first did it at 16 which is the same age i did. Although i didn't have regular intercourse till i was 19 and up.
Anyway she starts fights with me over the littlest of things and is very controlling. Once a month we've had a big fight over something and she ends up telling me "oh it's ok, you can go see other people you know i've got my problems and you should'nt have to deal with them and i don't mind if you find someone else" this first shocked me but latly it comes out occasionally and i've just taken it as her insecurity stemming from daddy issues as he never shown approval in his daugher when she needed it most. Shes been very unloyal to all her past partners and always initiated a break up or cheated on them within 1 month or 2. I'm the longest she's ever been with a guy and she says i'm the best/nicest, most caring, best in bed, best looking etc..
Last saturday we had plans to go for dinner and we get there and i really wasn't feeling well, my stomach was bugging me and i wasn't hungry. I told her she can eat that i will just have a few drinks and i was perfectly fine with staying there. She stormed out of the restaurant and said take me home. This has happened more than once and i always save the relationship and fix everything and make her happy but this time i said screw it. So i didn't say much and drove her home. 2 days later she txts me saying shes sorry she was really rude to me and that i didn't deserve that treatment, and that shes really stressed from school/exams and she wants to take a break to regain some balance in her life. I asked what she meant by balance and she said she really loves me but hates constantly getting mad at me so she needs some time to think things over and is considering breaking up. Mainly for my sake since she keeps telling me shes got unsolved issues and needs to work on herself emotionally.
Shes told me she was effed up since the beginning and i relate it to her father. We have such amazingly good times together but we can't go a month without her getting upset over the smallest thing. Then she gets embarassed and doesn't want to confront it because she knows she was acting stupid so she tells me maybe we shouldn't be together like shes getting herself ready for me to leave her. But i don't want to leave, i want to try to fix her, the good definitly outweighs the bad here but it's like i'm walking on eggshells with her. She said she used to drink and screw a lot of random guys and she was hospitalized for lime diesease for a few months but that was before i met her.
In the beginning i was shocked because she practially jumped me the first time she came over without a condom too. She is oblivious to condoms. I'm very lucky i never got her pregnant. Shes going to med school and is a great student. What would posess a girl to have sex with random guys without condoms I mean thats the stupidest thing you could do. I told her before shes lucky she never got an std. One thing i always wondered about her was she is very liberal about sex. She will grope me in public places in front of people. She will talk loudly in public about having sex. I believe shes a sex addict cause any night we spend together we'll do it roughly 4 times and she always wants to grope me. When shes drinking it gets 10x worse. She likes to have sex in public places too.
She also stated she used to date an older man. 8 years older and she was in the process of ending things with him and for some reason went to his condo. [she agreed to some sex but he forced himself on her] But she knew him "they dated for 3-4 months so i don't know how traumatizing of an experiance it could've been. Thes the oldest child with 2 young siblings. What could be the reasons behind her ups and downs???
I am starting to think she could be mildly Bi-polar or manic-depressive or have some other emotional disorder. I want to stay with her but she keeps telling me she doesnt' deserve me and i should find someone else who won't start fights all the time and that shes got issues. Advice pleaassseee and i'm really sorry about the length. I'm a quick typer and kind of letting it all out.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-05-2011 at 04:50 PM.
Reason: Details of sexual events are not allowed.
There's your problem right there. It can't be done, not in a million years. Tons of people go into relationships thinking they can "fix" the other person or their problems and it never never never happens. You're not some magical wizard who has the powers to fix a problem like hers. She is all sorts of messed up and needs to find the answers how to resolve it on her own. If she pretended to go along with you to "fix it", it would just be to appease you and not for her own mental health, therefore it would be worthless.
This situation is far too complex and drama-filled for you. It's time for you to realize that she is who she is and she won't change unless she wants to change for her own reasons. Not to appease her current boyfriend or for anyone else but herself. This relationship doesn't have any hope of surviving unless she comes to terms with her issues and resolves it on her own, first.
the sex will get old if there is nothing else there. She has problems so she reels you in with sex and then pushes you away. I know you probably aren't looking to get married, but is this someone you really see yourself with for the long run? Probably not.
Also, speaking of STD's, what about HIV? Has she been tested lately?
I just don't see you as fixing or changing her. Besides the sex, why do you like her?
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK
You seem like a young man with some morals and plans for your life. This girl in on another path, and she will not help you along your way. You need to go back to your life and not let this sexually driven young woman leave you with disease or heart break. You cannot make a girl into what you want. This girl makes you feel uncomfortable because she is not right for you. She is using sex as a toy, and her casual use of it will not ever be in balance with life as it should be.
She is trouble, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...get yourself out of the way!
thanks a lot for the answers. what could she do to help herself cause anytime i mention therapy or counselling she refuses to listen.
She said a few things that hinted to her grandfather sexually abusing her when she was around 7, and i just clued in recently. She would be in his care for full days and he used to pull her pants down and spank her and was just mean to her in general. Also said she was very happy when he died and she showed hatred while she told me about him for a few mins. Also just the other day i asked her if she had told me all her problems and she didn't wanna answer then said no. Then "i've lived with my parents for 20 years and they don't know so i'm never letting it out" and she hinted she might go crazy if she ever told someone about it. I could see her getting very upset so i stopped and just comforted her.
Aside from that I went and saw her earlier today and she pretty much finalized things with me. Not breaking up but she basically said she spent too much of her time with me (during the whole 6 months) and shes doing not so great in school and all stressed from exams and thats affecting our relationship because she keeps starting petty fights with me. She called it an open relationship, but i pretty much see that as "friends".
I chose to keep contacts with her since she had definitly become a close friend. Shes also open to hanging out occasionally, i'm guessing for sexual reasons but thats fine with me. I know i probably should have dumped her but i'm honestly really nice/easily taken advantage of with "girls". I just didn't see a reason for cutting ties with her, even after the way shes treated me. Tell me would her issues justify her not being proper with me, cause i always believed they did and thats why I don't wanna give up on her. I'm way too attached.
I just had to reply really quickly about the whole sex issue you brought up. I, myself, am very "liberal" when it comes to sex. I like to be adventurous and have had sex in different places, even places or times that would be considered "risky". I also have no problem having sex on my period. I'm very open minded when it comes to sex and I'm very comfortable with sexuality. I am however, safe with sex (which she obviously is not!) and I don't sleep around. I just wanted to point this out to you to mention that just because she's "liberal" when it comes to sex doesn't mean there's something wrong with her. Some girls are just more adventurous and open about it than others. It does sound like she is very unsafe and sleeps around quite a bit, which often stems from self-esteem or other "issues".
It does sound like she might have "daddy issues" though... so that could be a different story. Maybe everything put together with her equals her "having problems", but the adventurous sex thing alone, I don't believe warrants this belief.
Last edited by Mary83; 04-04-2011 at 12:49 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Mary83 For This Useful Post: 24markham (04-04-2011)
What is the point in trying to fix someone? It is only going make them resent you. I had that in the past though..a disease to please...a fixer personality. I lost that after many yrs of realizing the ppl dont want to be fixed. As far as the sex thing I had a girl..wouldnt say girlfriend so much who was like that...we had sex all the time, sometimes 6x in one day. But I found out about her past eventually...cocaine, lots of random sex with random dudes and didnt want to be with her after that. I really was scared of haveing a std for awhile and got fully checked up. As for it take it as you will..your young, as long as thier is no diesase involved have fun. But just know that at any moment she could be getting with other guys and risking you for disease..so just be careful and think if you want to put yourself at risk.
The Following User Says Thank You to waywardson For This Useful Post: pendulum (04-04-2011)
I am bit confused here. You call her your girlfriend, but to me this is only a sexual relationship. And if it is only a sexual relationship, without any further commitment, why should you bother to try to fix her? Unless she asked you to help her with that. And then again, her problems seem to be rather serious, and although you mean well, I doubt you would be able to fix her.
I also tend to be very liberal with sex, but of course I believe in safety in the first place and in love because only love can make sex really meaningful.
That said, if you guys are adults and want to have sex for fun, that is all right.
You say that you are easily taken advantage of with "girls". In a way, this is happening again with her. Although the sex is great, it may get old over time (unless there were an emotional basis) and there are risks, since she seems to be a sex slave, so to say.
This girl clearly has some issues emotionally/mentally thats making her be this way. I dont think shes a bad person , i think that shes got some problems deep down inside. Sexual abuse/ rape / childhood issues can affect peoples behaviours in different ways , even some rape victims or sexual abuse victims become very sexual after which sounds strange doesnt it but the mental mind can be affected in many ways. I don't think you can 'fix' her but you can support her which i am sure you are doing. She does need help from a counsellor to sort these issues out else it might make her stay this way for the rest of her life which she will feel miserable , and make you or whoever else miserable and end up in broken relationships etc...
Ok so your just friends now, i think you two should just be friends. I dont think shes ready for a relationship.
Last edited by cryingforever; 04-04-2011 at 07:39 PM.