So I'm in a situation with a guy that I'm not sure I can even call dating. We've been hanging out with each other for two months now about 6 days a week. We are intimate and I've met his brother and his parents. He hasn't met my mother yet, but that is usually because she is at work.
So how do I go about this gently? Do I put in hints? I don't want to play any games with him, I would hate that if he did it to me. What do I say? For a girl I am conversationally kind of dumb. I'm not good with talking to people. Help!
You only went out with him for 2 months. Well maybe you could give him more time. Seeing family this quick may not mean it will work out. But sometimes it works this fast.
I am on the old-fashioned side - only men chase women kind of thing....
So I will say first of all you make sure he is sincere dating you (e.g., not married or has other dates or gf.) Once the field is clear and you know it is a close relationship or one on one relationship, then you can continue to date him to know him more. The thing is it is the guy who has to tell you he loves you and would like to date you and get serious. A gal waits a little bit until it takes too long to know what is going on. In the old times, if the guy never expresses that he wants to go serious or steady, then the girl just leaves like nothing happened. Did you know that even my Dad and Mom only said they were friends - but never boyfriend and girlfriend? They are in the age of 80s.
Anyway, it sounds passive but if the guy really wants you, and is not too shy about it, he will let you know. Until then, don't get too serious because it would not be mutual.
Take care,
Nina
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post: MsConfused (04-30-2011)
Thats like trapping him into a conversation though in the car where he can't leave. Your therapist shouldnt of suggested that i dont think anyway. Yeah i agree with the other poster that it maybe better in your home so then if it goes wrong its not uncomfortable for 9 hours on way home. Also talking to him is good but maybe you could have a hug aswell so that would be nice because if your in a car and he says yeah a relationship idea is great you can't hug him.
Last edited by cryingforever; 04-28-2011 at 01:00 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post: MsConfused (04-30-2011)
I am on the old-fashioned side - only men chase women kind of thing....
So I will say first of all you make sure he is sincere dating you (e.g., not married or has other dates or gf.) Once the field is clear and you know it is a close relationship or one on one relationship, then you can continue to date him to know him more. The thing is it is the guy who has to tell you he loves you and would like to date you and get serious. A gal waits a little bit until it takes too long to know what is going on. In the old times, if the guy never expresses that he wants to go serious or steady, then the girl just leaves like nothing happened.
Anyway, it sounds passive but if the guy really wants you, and is not too shy about it, he will let you know. Until then, don't get too serious because it would not be mutual.
Take care,
Nina
I know that he is not seeing anyone else. I wouldn't date him if he was.
Most people tell me that it is the girl that has to initiate the relationship because the guy won't do it. He will think everything is fine as it is. But you say the complete opposite. I don't know what to think. This whole situation is stressing me out.
Thats like trapping him into a conversation though in the car where he can't leave.
Also talking to him is good but maybe you could have a hug aswell so that would be nice because if your in a car and he says yeah a relationship idea is great you can't hug him.
I was thinking the same thing about it seeming like a trap. But I think my therapist has it as that it is supposed to be a light conversation, not a heavy one. Although I'm not sure how to keep it light.
This may sound weird, but we've only hugged once. I wish it was more. I'm starting to really overanalyze this now. I have to see my therapist again in May. We have to talk more about this.
I know that he is not seeing anyone else. I wouldn't date him if he was.
Most people tell me that it is the girl that has to initiate the relationship because the guy won't do it. He will think everything is fine as it is. But you say the complete opposite. I don't know what to think. This whole situation is stressing me out.
I suggest you read a book called He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Humorous but very good advice. If a man is really into you, he will pursue you. If he's really into you, he doesn't want anothe rman snapping you up, doesn't want you losing interest and moving on. If he really thinks you're a catch, he will actively pursue you. The only time a woman really has to initiate the relationship is when he's not that into you, he doesn't really care if you find someone else, or thinks he has you so tightly in his hip pocket that he knows you're faithful and won't go anywhere, and he just wants to have you around for now. Men are still basically hunters and gatherers, and they still love the chase, and bagging something really great that all their friends are envious of. They still find it very satisfying to go out and get what they want. Read the book. It will really open your eyes.
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post: MsConfused (04-30-2011)
I suggest you read a book called He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Humorous but very good advice.
I've heard of the book and found that you mentioned makes me really depressed. But then I started thinking, he's the one that usually contacts me. I would say about 80% of the time. He invites me over to dinner a lot and we go to dinner with his brother. I guess I don't feel as though I'm pursuing him. He's the one that initiates the most contact. I've had trouble sleeping lately and missed some classes so now he texts me most mornings to make sure I'm awake and at school. I think he puts in a lot of effort for someone who may not be that into me. He even wants to go on vacation with me next year out of the country.
But your post helped me think about this. I have to admit I'm too scared to read the book right now. Maybe after finals...
From what you have said , i do think he IS into you. Maybe he thinks that you two are have just naturally grown into a relationship without words actually confirming it. He sounds a nice man and if he doesnt want you as a girlfriend i think that would be quite shocking because he does seem to treat you like your already his girlfriend. I wish you luck when you have 'The Talk' hun x
Last edited by cryingforever; 04-30-2011 at 04:29 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post: MsConfused (04-30-2011)
I know that he is not seeing anyone else. I wouldn't date him if he was.
Most people tell me that it is the girl that has to initiate the relationship because the guy won't do it. He will think everything is fine as it is. But you say the complete opposite. I don't know what to think. This whole situation is stressing me out.
Oh I see. This must be a new trend. It makes sense in a way if he pulls the tricks too long. Like if he is playing too much...
I know about many sad stories about how the girl feels betrayed thinking the guy did all the things to chase her and only to leave her in the end for another girl using the excuse of having never told you the truth or never meant to make it happen for real.
Do you read Jane Austin's novels or movies? Lots of stories like that. Yet in the end a nicer guy came along to save her.
I think if you feel your guy is going too far - say, see lots of your family members without any commitment such as a marriage, then you can ask him what is going on. If he cannot make a commitment, then you may want to have a second thought on that.
Nina
Last edited by ninamarc; 04-30-2011 at 08:59 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post: MsConfused (04-30-2011)
Oh my goodness, I just have to vent about myself! The perfect opportunity came up for me to tell him that I want to go to North Carolina with him. He was talking about seeing a friend in Maryland that has a beach house. This is a guy friend that he used to work with. I was kind of hoping he would invite me, but he didn't which bummed me out. Anyway I told him that I wanted to go on vacation too and he asked me where. Perfect time for me to say, "I want to go to North Carolina and see all the things you tell me about. It sounds interesting." But no, I froze up and just said "I don't know." This is so stupid. What is wrong with me? I know that part of me was too scared to say what I wanted and then have him say no. I would feel so frustrated that I think I would yell at him and then he would think I was crazy. I'm just so frustrated with this whole situation. I can talk with him about a lot of things, except when it is something I want. Then I freeze up and stress myself out even further. I hate this!!
Or, you are letting your fears of scaring him off ruin it for you. Are you afraid of rejection?
I am terrified of rejection. That I know for sure. I'm so bad at reading people that I guess I assume they won't want to do the things I want. I'm usually surprised when someone agrees to something I want to do. I know if he says no I won't handle it well. I'll figure he doesn't want to do anything with me.
You really need to pluck up the courage to ask him straight out whats happening between you two? Bare in mind that even couples have vacations away from eachother from 'time to time', husbands/boyfriends/friends might go with the men and the wifes/girlfriends/friends might go with the girls. my parents do. doesnt mean he isnt interested in you , i think hes just balancing it so you two are not glued and go everywhere together. you are not an official couple yet until you ask him.
You do need to talk to him else this will drive you crazy.
Tried to ask him about NC. Didn't go well. He changed the subject. Well, he changed the subject after he said NC was pretty awesome, then he suggested where we should sit in the library. It wasn't a complete brush off and I have a hard time talking about things seriously. People think I'm either joking or they don't know how serious what I'm talking about is to me. Can't talk about relationship stuff until after finals. Today was going so well too. He seemed so into me. What is going on? I think I just take a 'no' very seriously. He didn't say no though. I hate talking.
Now I'm stuck sitting next to him at the library and all I want to do is cry.
Edit and update: A couple hours later...I think I noticed something. Because he didn't automatically say yes my first though is always the worst. I first wrote this post after it had just happened so I was in a bad place, thinking wise. Within a hour I felt better. I just think with the combination of finals and this I am stressed out! Because of this my emotions are crazy and I'm not thinking straight. Me and him had a good time today, we went to a restaurant, studied, hung out with his family, and went back to studying. We were together 12 hours today and it honestly felt like 2. It went so fast. I just need to take a deep breathe, get over my fear of rejection, and probably increase my self-confidence while I'm at it. Hopefully, this clear thinking won't go away.
Last edited by MsConfused; 05-01-2011 at 11:31 PM.
Reason: Update
