It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-27-2011, 05:24 AM   #16
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

So I wanted to update in case anyone was still curious.

I began to see a therapist about this because I was so confused. I needed someone to guide me through whatever is going on with this guy. She said that I need to wait until after finals to ask him about us. She suggested that we go on a trip to a place he use to live. He talks about it all the time and I would like to see what it is like. It's about a 9 hour drive so hopefully it won't cost too much. We're both pretty broke though so I think he may use that as an excuse. I'm supposed to ask him in the car while on the way down there what he thinks about what we have. Except I can't remember exactly how she worded it. I might have to call her and ask. It's not going to be for awhile though, I have to get through finals first and so does he. Hopefully this won't suck. Wish me luck!

 
Old 04-27-2011, 07:59 AM   #17
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Hey i am just curious whats ''finals'' ? I am from UK and im not sure they say that over here although they might do hehehe!!!

In my opinion , i think talking to him in the car on the way is not a good idea. Could you do it when you two get there? Im just saying this because say if you both end up in a argument (which i hope you dont, or maybe you guys dont argue) but driving and arguing is quite dangerous. Some people get distracted even when there not arguing in a car and they look at the person sat at the side in the car and something happens. I dont mean it happens to everyone obviously , but i just think it may be abit safer when hes not driving. When you both reach the place where your visiting you could maybe have a better talk then. Its entirely upto you this is only my thoughts.

Good luck

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-27-2011 at 08:00 AM. Reason: Added the good luck bit on lol.......

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-27-2011)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-27-2011, 09:30 AM   #18
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 462
Ely4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

I agree with cryingforever, having the talk in the car is not such a good idea. Personally I think you should do it in your home town. That way if it all goes horribly wrong you're not 9 hours from home with only each other for company all the way back.

I do agree that waiting until your finals are over is the best idea, there'll be less pressure then and it could have the chance to mess your finals up if you do it before.

Good luck, I hope you get the outcome you want.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Ely4 For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-27-2011)
Old 04-27-2011, 11:13 AM   #19
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
Hey i am just curious whats ''finals'' ? I am from UK and im not sure they say that over here although they might do hehehe!!!

In my opinion , i think talking to him in the car on the way is not a good idea.
Finals are our end of the semester cumulative tests. At my school each test is about 3 hours and they make up most of your grade for that class. So they are majorly important!

It's funny how you and Ely4 said the car thing was not a good idea. I wasn't to sure of it either, but my therapist says its so people can't leave. She also said if it doesn't turn out well we can just turn around and go home, lol. I don't know about that. I don't think him and I will get into an argument it's just more the idea of me being in a terrible mood the whole time because I didn't hear what I wanted to hear.

I just have to hope it doesn't turn out crappy. He's a really nice guy and I don't think I could just be his friend. If he dated someone else I would hate that. I don't even like to hear him talk about ex-girlfriends.

 
Old 04-27-2011, 12:17 PM   #20
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
Hey i am just curious whats ''finals'' ? I am from UK and im not sure they say that over here although they might do hehehe!!!

In my opinion , i think talking to him in the car on the way is not a good idea.
Finals are our end of the semester cumulative tests. At my school each test is about 3 hours and they make up most of your grade for that class. So they are majorly important!

It's funny how you and Ely4 said the car thing was not a good idea. I wasn't to sure of it either, but my therapist says its so people can't leave. She also said if it doesn't turn out well we can just turn around and go home, lol. I don't know about that. I don't think him and I will get into an argument it's just more the idea of me being in a terrible mood the whole time because I didn't hear what I wanted to hear.

I just have to hope it doesn't turn out crappy. He's a really nice guy and I don't think I could just be his friend. If he dated someone else I would hate that. I don't even like to hear him talk about ex-girlfriends.

 
Old 04-27-2011, 01:58 PM   #21
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsConfused View Post
So I'm in a situation with a guy that I'm not sure I can even call dating. We've been hanging out with each other for two months now about 6 days a week. We are intimate and I've met his brother and his parents. He hasn't met my mother yet, but that is usually because she is at work.


So how do I go about this gently? Do I put in hints? I don't want to play any games with him, I would hate that if he did it to me. What do I say? For a girl I am conversationally kind of dumb. I'm not good with talking to people. Help!
You only went out with him for 2 months. Well maybe you could give him more time. Seeing family this quick may not mean it will work out. But sometimes it works this fast.
I am on the old-fashioned side - only men chase women kind of thing....
So I will say first of all you make sure he is sincere dating you (e.g., not married or has other dates or gf.) Once the field is clear and you know it is a close relationship or one on one relationship, then you can continue to date him to know him more. The thing is it is the guy who has to tell you he loves you and would like to date you and get serious. A gal waits a little bit until it takes too long to know what is going on. In the old times, if the guy never expresses that he wants to go serious or steady, then the girl just leaves like nothing happened. Did you know that even my Dad and Mom only said they were friends - but never boyfriend and girlfriend? They are in the age of 80s.

Anyway, it sounds passive but if the guy really wants you, and is not too shy about it, he will let you know. Until then, don't get too serious because it would not be mutual.

Take care,
Nina

 
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-30-2011)
Old 04-27-2011, 07:31 PM   #22
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Thats like trapping him into a conversation though in the car where he can't leave. Your therapist shouldnt of suggested that i dont think anyway. Yeah i agree with the other poster that it maybe better in your home so then if it goes wrong its not uncomfortable for 9 hours on way home. Also talking to him is good but maybe you could have a hug aswell so that would be nice because if your in a car and he says yeah a relationship idea is great you can't hug him.

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-28-2011 at 01:00 AM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-30-2011)
Old 04-29-2011, 04:54 PM   #23
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ninamarc View Post
I am on the old-fashioned side - only men chase women kind of thing....
So I will say first of all you make sure he is sincere dating you (e.g., not married or has other dates or gf.) Once the field is clear and you know it is a close relationship or one on one relationship, then you can continue to date him to know him more. The thing is it is the guy who has to tell you he loves you and would like to date you and get serious. A gal waits a little bit until it takes too long to know what is going on. In the old times, if the guy never expresses that he wants to go serious or steady, then the girl just leaves like nothing happened.

Anyway, it sounds passive but if the guy really wants you, and is not too shy about it, he will let you know. Until then, don't get too serious because it would not be mutual.

Take care,
Nina
I know that he is not seeing anyone else. I wouldn't date him if he was.

Most people tell me that it is the girl that has to initiate the relationship because the guy won't do it. He will think everything is fine as it is. But you say the complete opposite. I don't know what to think. This whole situation is stressing me out.

 
Old 04-29-2011, 09:31 PM   #24
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
Thats like trapping him into a conversation though in the car where he can't leave.

Also talking to him is good but maybe you could have a hug aswell so that would be nice because if your in a car and he says yeah a relationship idea is great you can't hug him.
I was thinking the same thing about it seeming like a trap. But I think my therapist has it as that it is supposed to be a light conversation, not a heavy one. Although I'm not sure how to keep it light.

This may sound weird, but we've only hugged once. I wish it was more. I'm starting to really overanalyze this now. I have to see my therapist again in May. We have to talk more about this.

 
Old 04-29-2011, 09:33 PM   #25
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsConfused View Post
I know that he is not seeing anyone else. I wouldn't date him if he was.

Most people tell me that it is the girl that has to initiate the relationship because the guy won't do it. He will think everything is fine as it is. But you say the complete opposite. I don't know what to think. This whole situation is stressing me out.
I suggest you read a book called He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Humorous but very good advice. If a man is really into you, he will pursue you. If he's really into you, he doesn't want anothe rman snapping you up, doesn't want you losing interest and moving on. If he really thinks you're a catch, he will actively pursue you. The only time a woman really has to initiate the relationship is when he's not that into you, he doesn't really care if you find someone else, or thinks he has you so tightly in his hip pocket that he knows you're faithful and won't go anywhere, and he just wants to have you around for now. Men are still basically hunters and gatherers, and they still love the chase, and bagging something really great that all their friends are envious of. They still find it very satisfying to go out and get what they want. Read the book. It will really open your eyes.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-30-2011)
Old 04-29-2011, 11:30 PM   #26
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I suggest you read a book called He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Humorous but very good advice.
I've heard of the book and found that you mentioned makes me really depressed. But then I started thinking, he's the one that usually contacts me. I would say about 80% of the time. He invites me over to dinner a lot and we go to dinner with his brother. I guess I don't feel as though I'm pursuing him. He's the one that initiates the most contact. I've had trouble sleeping lately and missed some classes so now he texts me most mornings to make sure I'm awake and at school. I think he puts in a lot of effort for someone who may not be that into me. He even wants to go on vacation with me next year out of the country.

But your post helped me think about this. I have to admit I'm too scared to read the book right now. Maybe after finals...

 
Old 04-30-2011, 04:29 AM   #27
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

From what you have said , i do think he IS into you. Maybe he thinks that you two are have just naturally grown into a relationship without words actually confirming it. He sounds a nice man and if he doesnt want you as a girlfriend i think that would be quite shocking because he does seem to treat you like your already his girlfriend. I wish you luck when you have 'The Talk' hun x

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-30-2011 at 04:29 AM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-30-2011)
Old 04-30-2011, 08:55 AM   #28
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsConfused View Post
I know that he is not seeing anyone else. I wouldn't date him if he was.

Most people tell me that it is the girl that has to initiate the relationship because the guy won't do it. He will think everything is fine as it is. But you say the complete opposite. I don't know what to think. This whole situation is stressing me out.
Oh I see. This must be a new trend. It makes sense in a way if he pulls the tricks too long. Like if he is playing too much...
I know about many sad stories about how the girl feels betrayed thinking the guy did all the things to chase her and only to leave her in the end for another girl using the excuse of having never told you the truth or never meant to make it happen for real.
Do you read Jane Austin's novels or movies? Lots of stories like that. Yet in the end a nicer guy came along to save her.

I think if you feel your guy is going too far - say, see lots of your family members without any commitment such as a marriage, then you can ask him what is going on. If he cannot make a commitment, then you may want to have a second thought on that.

Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 04-30-2011 at 08:59 AM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-30-2011)
Old 04-30-2011, 05:43 PM   #29
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Oh my goodness, I just have to vent about myself! The perfect opportunity came up for me to tell him that I want to go to North Carolina with him. He was talking about seeing a friend in Maryland that has a beach house. This is a guy friend that he used to work with. I was kind of hoping he would invite me, but he didn't which bummed me out. Anyway I told him that I wanted to go on vacation too and he asked me where. Perfect time for me to say, "I want to go to North Carolina and see all the things you tell me about. It sounds interesting." But no, I froze up and just said "I don't know." This is so stupid. What is wrong with me? I know that part of me was too scared to say what I wanted and then have him say no. I would feel so frustrated that I think I would yell at him and then he would think I was crazy. I'm just so frustrated with this whole situation. I can talk with him about a lot of things, except when it is something I want. Then I freeze up and stress myself out even further. I hate this!!

 
Old 05-01-2011, 08:49 AM   #30
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: paso robles, ca
Posts: 660
CadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB UserCadenceA HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

If you are too frightened to tell him what you want because you are worried about scaring him away...this doesn't sound like a good relationship.

Or, you are letting your fears of scaring him off ruin it for you. Are you afraid of rejection?

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Can't get past the "friend" stage. Giant_Squid Relationship Health 4 04-17-2011 10:47 AM
how do you know when you have found "the one"? lindsjean Relationship Health 25 08-19-2009 11:32 AM
About to end it because of the "M" word. jess1866 Relationship Health 33 05-03-2007 11:58 AM
being the "other woman" tanabear6 Relationship Health 71 03-02-2007 07:25 PM
the "why buy the cow" speech lady346 Relationship Health 58 10-16-2006 08:57 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (159), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (102), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1011), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (761), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:08 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!