It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-09-2011, 08:49 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
When to have "The Talk"?

So I'm in a situation with a guy that I'm not sure I can even call dating. We've been hanging out with each other for two months now about 6 days a week. We are intimate and I've met his brother and his parents. He hasn't met my mother yet, but that is usually because she is at work.

The point is is that I'm going a little crazy not knowing exactly what we are doing. My mind is going crazy between dating, FWB, casual dating, just friends. What is going on? So I need to know how to ask him what he thinks. I don't want to pressure him into anything. We are both really busy people and are coming up to the end of the semester so we are both a bit stressed out from school. If I wait to have this conversation with him once the semester is over how should I bring it up? I don't want to ruin the friendship we have developed, but I want more from him. I know he's not paying attention to any other women and I have no interest in any other guys, but I get easily confused by men in general.

So how do I go about this gently? Do I put in hints? I don't want to play any games with him, I would hate that if he did it to me. What do I say? For a girl I am conversationally kind of dumb. I'm not good with talking to people. Help!

 
Old 04-09-2011, 09:26 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Well, I don't think I can be a whole lot of help since I'm not so good at that kind of stuff either, but I can just offer you my support. I do think that even though it's only been two months, you have the right to know if the person you're sleeping with is sleeping with other people or not, at the very least. Maybe you can just be really honest with him and tell him you don't want to put any pressure on him, you just want to know what the picture looks like to him and ask him if you're exclusive (I hope you've been using a condom every single time if there's any doubt at all on that score). It may be a bit too soon for the "where is this going" talk, but you sholuld at least know whether he might be picking up diseases elsewhere and whether or not he considers you his girlfriend. I'm sure others can give you more detailed and experience-driven advice, so I'll just say good luck to you.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-10-2011)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-09-2011, 10:46 PM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Well, I don't think I can be a whole lot of help since I'm not so good at that kind of stuff either, but I can just offer you my support. I do think that even though it's only been two months, you have the right to know if the person you're sleeping with is sleeping with other people or not, at the very least. Maybe you can just be really honest with him and tell him you don't want to put any pressure on him, you just want to know what the picture looks like to him and ask him if you're exclusive (I hope you've been using a condom every single time if there's any doubt at all on that score). It may be a bit too soon for the "where is this going" talk, but you sholuld at least know whether he might be picking up diseases elsewhere and whether or not he considers you his girlfriend. I'm sure others can give you more detailed and experience-driven advice, so I'll just say good luck to you.
Thanks for your response. I made it clear before we slept together that neither he nor I would sleep with anyone else, so that is definitely covered. But thanks for mentioning because that is really important!

Thank you for your support and luck!

 
Old 04-09-2011, 11:09 PM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5,111
writeleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Good move on your part, and just at the right time too. Before anything happened.

May I ask a few questions about what kinds of things you do basically every night, or is it night? Are you eating out, sharing dinners, cooking, meeting up at a bar, what kinds of things are you doing together? I imaging you must live fairly close together, or are missing a lot of sleep.

Funny! I can relate to you, because after 8 years of dating a wonderful man, we still do not call "it" anything either. Here I am trying to offer you advise on something I need advice on too. Dating? maybe that would do, but after all this time we hardly date! Maybe I better follow along and see what advice you get...

Best of luck!

 
The Following User Says Thank You to writeleft For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-10-2011)
Old 04-10-2011, 06:19 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 874
resolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

writeleft: Ditto. Not 8 years but otherwise ditto.

It's funny because in the first 6 months I was excited that this relationship would follow "normal" patterns and maybe be the one. The fact that he can't name it makes me assume it means nothing but friendship. I can't be alone in feeling that way.


MsConfused: It's up to you. Figure this out for us. We'll be reading along.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to resolution09 For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-10-2011)
Old 04-10-2011, 11:19 AM   #6
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
May I ask a few questions about what kinds of things you do basically every night, or is it night? Are you eating out, sharing dinners, cooking, meeting up at a bar, what kinds of things are you doing together? I imaging you must live fairly close together, or are missing a lot of sleep.
We live about 15 minutes from each other so its not hard for us to get together. We mostly study a lot, but we also go out to eat, go for walks, and sometimes just get coffee. We also work together so sometimes we are studying all day and then go to work at night. He's a runner so he's getting me into that too. Hopefully one of these days I'll be able to keep up with him, lol!

Quote:
Originally Posted by resolution09 View Post
writeleft: Ditto. Not 8 years but otherwise ditto.

It's funny because in the first 6 months I was excited that this relationship would follow "normal" patterns and maybe be the one. The fact that he can't name it makes me assume it means nothing but friendship. I can't be alone in feeling that way.


MsConfused: It's up to you. Figure this out for us. We'll be reading along.
That's what freaks me out because he is much more than a friend to me, but what if that is what he thinks? But then we are always together and usually it is his idea to hang out so I'm very confused.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-10-2011 at 11:45 AM.

 
Old 04-10-2011, 12:32 PM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Why not just ask him?



You two seem to be close and able to communicate so why not just ask him? Don't feel shy about it or feel like you can't talk to him ,you deserve to know whats going on. If he is great as you say, i am sure he would be very open and honest with you and gentle with his words if he says nothing but friendship.

Example if you ask ''Just wondering if we officially together or just friends''.......where in this question is there any pressure. Finding out where you stand with someone is NOT pressure. Its all good that your thinking about him but you have yourself to think about too, your feelings, where you stand etc...its not all about just him.

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-10-2011 at 12:37 PM. Reason: added the example bit....

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-10-2011)
Old 04-10-2011, 02:41 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 811
Kali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB UserKali333 HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

I think, instead of "asking him" to communicate his feelings or his perception of your relationship and what it means (guys usually are really not good at that sort of thing), you should just tell him how you feel.

Just say, you know... "Look, I've really been enjoying your company these past months. I really have fun when we're hanging out together, and the sex is awesome. I love what we have, but I'm kind of starting to want more, because my feelings for you are growing stronger."

Just see what he has to say to that. I mean, he'll either say yes or no, and then, either way, you'll know where you stand.

Best of luck!

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Kali333 For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-10-2011)
Old 04-10-2011, 10:13 PM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Thanks cryingforever and Kali3333, you guys are both right. I think my biggest problem is myself. I'm really scared he'll say he doesn't want anything more. He's really busy with school and when we started hanging out he said he didn't know if he could be in a relationship right now. However, since then he's been treating me like we are in a relationship. I figured when he said that initially then nothing would happen between us. But now I don't know what to think. He constantly texts me and even if he's been at school for 12 hours that day if I ask him to meet me for coffee for an hour he'll still meet me even though I know he's tired. Everyone thinks we are a couple at work (friends and strangers), so I guess we give off that vibe.

After he's done with school (in about 3 or 4 years) he might move back to another state he lived in once. Since he's said that he has asked me several times if I could live in a different state. But he never links the two things together. I don't know if I'm making a connection that isn't there or I'm seeing it for what it sounds like. Is he seeing me as a perspective long term relationship one day? Would he ask me to go with him?

I just don't know how to handle being just friends with him. No, I know I wouldn't be able to handle that. Every time I would see him it would kill me. So I'm really scared to ask even though I'm getting frustrated wondering about it at the same time. I don't want to ruin everything. My friends say they are so happy for me, but then I think, "why do I feel so sad then?" Why don't I see what everyone else sees?

Edit: Bonus question! lol For any ladies (or men) who read this. Do you meet many guys that will point out a baby to you and say how cute it is. I have never had a guy do this to me before, so when he does it I'm curious to know what it means. He says he's glad he hasn't had kids yet, but he does talk about having them in the future (he doesn't mention me in this, just a general want about kids). I don't know if I should read into that or not.

Last edited by MsConfused; 04-10-2011 at 10:19 PM.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 07:15 AM   #10
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

I think he wants you but maybe is shy to ask just like you are. They sound like hints to me. I really hope you two become official you sound great together.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
MsConfused (04-11-2011)
Old 04-12-2011, 02:39 PM   #11
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 112
sarberrie HB Usersarberrie HB Usersarberrie HB Usersarberrie HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

maybe I'm just weird, but I've never been intimate with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with, because those are the only conditions in which I will have sex. With my current boyfriend, who I've been with for just about a year, we had been seeing each other everyday for 3wks straight when one night when I was over late he asked me to stay. I basically responded back that I wasn't going to be in his bed until I knew where I stood with the situation, and not to answer that question at present time because it was 3am and I knew what he wanted. Before I left he said that I was the only girl he planned on sleeping with and that he would call me the next day with an important question. when we went out the next night he had a dozen roses for me and asked if we could officially be in a relationship. he said that was what he had been planning from our first date, to make things official, but that sometimes it is an awkward process so he was actually glad that I stood my ground and brought it up. I would suggest instead of trying to read signs, to just come out and ask what's up with your situation. you said you are afraid he won't feel the same way, but it's better to know the truth than to continue on confused and unsure.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to sarberrie For This Useful Post:
cryingforever (04-12-2011)
Old 04-13-2011, 12:08 AM   #12
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 462
Ely4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

I think you should just ask him where you stand. If you're regularly being intimate with someone you should be able to talk about these things. If you scare him off then you have your answer, and at least you'll know now rather than later when you've invested more time and emotion into this.

 
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Ely4 For This Useful Post:
cryingforever (04-13-2011), MsConfused (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 04:18 AM   #13
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

So I haven't done anything yet. I'm actually going to see someone on Friday to talk about this. I want to see what they think before I do anything. I'll keep everyone updated, but I know that I fear his rejection more than I hate being crazy about not knowing what is going on. I just hope things turn out ok. Thanks everyone.

 
Old 04-14-2011, 04:37 AM   #14
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarberrie View Post
maybe I'm just weird, but I've never been intimate with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with, because those are the only conditions in which I will have sex.
See I'm usually like that, but for some reason this guy is different. I just feel so comfortable around him that I didn't even think about it. Now I am scared that I ruined it. The thing is is that the last relationship I had was in high school, 13 years ago. I was 15 and never slept with the guy. I wasn't ready for that then. So as you can see I haven't slept with anyone, but the guy I'm with know. I never thought I would be able to just sleep with someone like that. Usually I'm too nervous around men, but this guy is different to me for some reason. I would hate it if I ruined everything because I slept with him. I've met very few men that I was even attracted enough to sleep with them. Guys usually just become my friends.

 
Old 04-15-2011, 12:18 PM   #15
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Please choose
Posts: 41
MsConfused HB User
Re: When to have "The Talk"?

So I saw someone today to talk about this and she said it was best to wait until the semester was over. I can't agree with her more, both he and I are to stressed to talk about this right now.

For anyone wanting to know how to have the talk she basically don't me to say something light in passing. Nothing that will start a heavy conversation or a time when we can have a conversation. Basically when we are both hanging out, but still a little busy. Like in my case, since he and I work together, right before work I can say something about with the semester being over if we have time to be like bf/gf or if he could see us being like that. I don't know if this helps anyone else, I hope so. The key is to not make anyone feel pressured and make it sound like a light topic. I'm still nervous about that though, but I can't worry about that now. End of semester, must study, lol!

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Can't get past the "friend" stage. Giant_Squid Relationship Health 4 04-17-2011 10:47 AM
how do you know when you have found "the one"? lindsjean Relationship Health 25 08-19-2009 11:32 AM
About to end it because of the "M" word. jess1866 Relationship Health 33 05-03-2007 11:58 AM
being the "other woman" tanabear6 Relationship Health 71 03-02-2007 07:25 PM
the "why buy the cow" speech lady346 Relationship Health 58 10-16-2006 08:57 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (999), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (667), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:57 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!