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Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

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Old 04-11-2011, 01:05 AM   #1
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Unhappy Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

I don't feel as if I have anywhere else to go. I don't know who to turn to or what I want to hear, so I thought that people I don't know would give me the straightest answers.

He's been addicted to cocaine since he was 15, if not 13. I tried it when I was 18 and got addicted. We partied together. We also really loved (love?) each other. We got married. It has been almost 7 years together, almost 6 years married. It has been almost 4 years since I kicked my habit and have not done any coke since.

We went into recovery together, where I stayed clean, and he got a year. Then used, then used again, and so on and so on, Roughly every 3 months, going down to every 2 months, and now it seems to be every month.

I just moved 5 hours north because of an amazing job. My husband stayed behind to finish work. We just returned from a trip, which was sooooo wonderful. I had to come back up north to work, and he will be joining me in two weeks when his job ends.

When I first got clean, it made me so angry when he would use, because I had no desire to have it in my life and couldn't understand why he did. He felt terrible everytime he did it. He would lie, and be gone for days with no word from him, coming back and crying that he messed up again and was SO SORRY. I would be so angry, but a couple of days would pass and I would forgive him. Because I believe he wants to get better and quit the cocaine for good, but has more trouble than I did.

What felt like everytime I had a nightshift, or work in another city, or vacation, whenever I wasn't there, he would use. As it went on (almost 4 years now) I would get mad, kick him out of the house, want to leave. But always he would come back and I would forgive him, and believe he wanted to get better.

Right before I moved he used again, and for some reason I wasn't mad or angry. It was a totally different feeling. I was disappointed, and I was hurt to the core. I think because I started to really see, that he didn't want to get better. I don't know.

He used 1 time every month since I have been moved away, and each time I have only felt pain, and an odd calmness that I haven't felt other times, no anger, just calm pain. A stabbing in my heart, a tightness, but a calm head.

I am at work right now, I have some time to be in my head. He is using right now. It has happened so many times before, I know the signs. I KNOW he is using. He won't call, or answer his phone, when we usually talk 10 times a day. I get a feeling in my heart, and I just know. It has never failed me.

So I sit here, trying to figure out what to do. Should I stay or should I go? Do I keep believing that he wants to get better?? Do I stay and believe that? Do I bring kids into this world with only the belief that he wants to recover? Do I continue to wonder everytime he doesnt answer his phone for a day if he is doing terrible things? I just don't know what to do anymore and it is tearing me apart inside.

I'm so lost.

Should I stay, or should I go?

Tired of the bs

I decided to stay:::::::

So, here I am months later and in the same situation. He used last night, while I was asleep, and I woke up to find him using in our house with his cousin. He didn't care. He finally fell asleep and when he woke up he threw up for hours and then fell asleep again. He is sleeping on the couch now. He hasn't said anything to me.

I want to leave. I understand now that my love is not enough to cure him. I can't handle the pain anymore. I just can't. But at the same time it tears me apart to leave. I love him with everything in me. Finacially I can't leave.

I don't know what to do........My heart hurts and my soul is torn apart.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-14-2011 at 05:40 PM.

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Old 04-11-2011, 07:14 AM   #2
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

Just because you leave does not mean you don't love him anymore or support his recovery. You need to take care of yourself. You need to call Al-anon or another support group for family members of addicts. You also need to worry about your safety. Knowing you can't help him is a very important step. No.. never bring children into an unstable home. Good Luck. I will be praying for you.

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Old 04-11-2011, 01:02 PM   #3
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

Your tale is heartbreaking, and I feel truly sorry for you. Of course I realize that my sympathy won't cure your husband, Tyler.

Your husband is ILL. He doesn't use because he wants to. I uses because he HAS to. He is an addict and needs care - just like a man with a broken leg! I've been there, so I know.

You ALONE cannot help him, but you can be there for him. He will need it. He will need a lot of patience, foregiveness and understanding for a while.
Cocaine and other drugs can take so much control that even love can't cure the addiction. Love won't heal a broken leg, and won't cure addiction. But it is curable, if the addict wants to. Your support can help him make that choice. But the choice is HIS alone.

Even if you love him, you can't keep waiting for a miracle. When he is off the drug, talk to him - as calm and steady as you can. Check when there is a NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting nearby, and tell him to go. For starters don't demand anymore than that. If he goes, then you're at least off to a good start. If not, leave. Just leave, don't explain. You don't have to leave for good. But maybe once you been gone for a week, he'll realize that he needs YOU more than drugs!

Anyway, it's essential that he realizes that he must choose between you and the coke!
Once he gets that, there's a good chance he will do the right thing.

You have done the right thing to reach out here. You are not alone!
My thoughts and prayers go to the both of you. Have faith that love will prevail!

All the best

Old 06-22-2011, 06:39 AM   #4
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

I have just read your blog regarding your husbands cocaine addiction, and wanted you to know that I am going through the same thing with my husband, although I have never been an addict.
We have been together for over 10 years and have two lovely young boys, and I think he generally has a good life. Unfortunalty all he seems to be interested in is cocaine and this has been the bain of my life for what seems like forever. He is a compulsive liar and deceitful and will say and do anything to make me believe that it is all in my head. I have threatened him hundreds of times and said that I will leave with the children and he has cried and pleaded with me to stay saying he will never do it again. Yesterday morning he went to work and has not yet returned, he has done this so many times, I have now reached the point where I do not care anymore, I will not cry and let the children see me upset and I have packed his bags. He is 40 years old, and nothing more to me now than an embarrasment, I have lost all my confidence, all my trust and withdrawn myself from all my friends because of him and what he has done to my life. I think 10 years is enough time to give someone time to change, I don't believe that this is an illness, it is a way of life for some people and it destroys so much. I will suffer financially but that wont be as hard as suffering mentally.

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Old 06-22-2011, 03:18 PM   #5
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

There are places that can help you I am sure. Al a non helps family members of drug/alcohol dependents. You might also check out abuse hotlines for help. After all. He is abusing you emotionally and I am sure at sometime verbally. No... All the love in the world can not make him stop. You have to keep yourself safe first. Also, if he gets caught you can be arrested also. There is help, turn to a church, family... don't be ashamed. You are not the first and won't be the last. I will put you in my prayers.

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nic76 (06-23-2011)
Old 06-22-2011, 11:23 PM   #6
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

I left my fiance of 5 years because of his cocaine addiction. It took me until he got me addicted for me to realize I needed to leave (to save myself). Best decision I ever made. good luck to you.

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Sharonce (06-23-2011)
Old 06-23-2011, 04:30 AM   #7
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

It has been a while since my last post to your "report" on your situation and your husband's cocaine use.
Well I sincerely hope things have improved? If not, here's an additional piece of advice:

There's a fairly new pharmaceutical drug called Neurotin (or Gabapentin and other trade names). Anyway, Neurontin is NOT a narcotic drug. It is in NO way related to the known drugs of abuse. Not a controlled substance, perfectly legal with a prescription it has "little or no potential for misuse", according to the manufacturer.

That said the point here is that Neurontin/Gabapentin has a wide variety of uses; anti-epileptic, moderate non-opioid painkiller AND for veining people off cocaine and other socalled "uppers". Given in a single moderate-high dose, app.1800 mg/day for 2-3 months, it has been reported to reduce or eliviate cocaine cravings.

I'm not a doctor and off course you shouldn't just take my word for it. But it might be worth talking to your doctor about it.
Your doctor might not have heard of it, or the mentioned use - the drug was autorized for use in the late 1990s, which makes it rather new compared to other pharmaceuticals, and the anti-addiction use is "off-label". BUT the positive effect has been descripted by scientists. You can check it online.

BUT off course any treatment should be prescripted and monitored by a physician. Preferably a psychiatrist.

Best of luck

Old 06-23-2011, 09:03 PM   #8
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

Neurotin has been around a long time. It is an older drug that use to be used for depression but has really good results for nerve pain and other uses. It is not addictive. But I have never heard of it being used for helping get people off of drugs. I also am not aware of every use for it. Also, the max dose a day is 1300mg.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-23-2011 at 09:51 PM.

Old 06-23-2011, 09:30 PM   #9
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Unhappy Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

sadly i have a friend that had recently passed from an overdose after relapsing form using coke. but if you dont even get mad anymore when he does it and he is on the verge of dying from it too, an you really dont want to leave him, I, personally would tell him to get help or you will leave. then you would at least know how he feels if, if not directly, then subconciously. but i would say if you are worried financially about leaving him, then start saving up before you do it and let your friends and family know so that they could possibly help you out.

Again i know what its like to see someone relapse and over dose. its not a good thing.

Best of luck to you though.

Old 06-23-2011, 09:35 PM   #10
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

just saying it is actually used in new york as part of court ordered rehab.

Old 08-13-2011, 05:57 PM   #11
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Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction -Still wondering should I stay or should I go

Hi, this is my first post, like you obvisouly upset but also at the end of your tether.
I recently (six days ago!) Left my fiancee after finding out he had secretly been addicted to cocaine for three years - he was at his worst using daily - £700 a week and dealing. I feel stupid for not even realizing as he was only doing it at night RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE!

I found out he'd been using as he was suffering health problems that he sed doctors didn't know what wrong. So I looked online and all he symtoms matched cocaine - running or blocked nose, mood swings, obessed with sex and getting moody if I didn't want it, 'coke bugs-itching', staying up late, being protective over his phone, not knowing where his money was going, not being able to answer simple questions like where's he's been, accusing me of cheating, getting in debt and being anti-social in groups (the groups were normally my friends that are not drug users).

I found out, though looking through his phone and tried to help his by organing councilling etc. But nothing changed, we went though four weeks of him swearing he would never use again - to me finding it in his socks, wallet, hat or around the house and his car. If I took it off him when he had already taken some he would literally chase me round the house, go absolutly crazy and even threaten to hurt our animal. He would also beg, and say he can only try to give it up and that you cannot 'just quit', even though he promised he wanted to - to me screaming in my face he chose the cocaine over me.

We are both 22 years old with a house and mortgage and been together since we were both 16 - I truly love him and thought these kind of things only happen to people in magazines etc. But have found no matter how much you love and want the person who you fell madly in love with to be again - it just cannot happen if they make excusses about quiting and the constant lieing.

Everyday I am a mixture of anger for him messing up what would of been a beautiful life together - expecially when we both worked so hard for what we have at the moment and also absolute terror and sadness as I have lost my best friend and the only person I feel ever really knew me ( even though that obviously isn't the case with him) even with family and close friends around me.

I have learnt the best way is to cut contact and let our parents deal with the communication with regards to splitting our possesions up and the selling of the house we shared togethet.

I truly feel like he has died, as he his not the person I thought I was going to marry next year. It is important to remember if they did really love you and want to quit then they would - and not just continue it behind your back. To be honest though even though finding his secret cocaine use - it is also the betrayel or trust that has been shattered that I could not get over - even though I constably seek approval from othets and myself that I am doing the right thing. He cheated on me four years ago and he promised then he would always care for me and never be so stupid again. The trust is truly broken, no matter my feelings of complete love for him.

Please phone a support line like frank ( which really helped me) or your local council for help, advice or legal aid. You cannot sacrifice your own life for another who has no regard for yours - you only have one life to live.

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