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Old 04-11-2011, 12:00 PM   #1
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Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

Hi all,

My first post here.

I need some advice or maybe even to vent. I found out a week ago that my husband of 14 years has been having several emotional affairs. Before I had found out about the affairs, I was contemplating leaving because of numerous issues. Even still I was flabbergasted to find out that he had been communicating with several women and had joined numerous dating sites. One of the sites is actually a paid membership site. And I know his earliest sign up date was July 2010. So this had been going on since July 2010 until March 31st.

I basically found all this info out by logging into his email. I printed off all of his email exchanges and his profile screen shots. I then wrote a letter to him and told him it was over and taped my wedding rings to the letter.

I am still with him right now because I cannot afford to move me and my 3 daughters out of the house-though I am working on saving the money to get out asap. I have a new business and its just starting to get popular so I am trying to be self sufficient.

Anyway-my trust in him has been devastated, even though he is trying like crazy to win back my trust and my love. But I just cannot believe him anymore and I feel if I did stay that maybe he would do it again. I mean who knows.

Has anyone else been through something like this? Its like living in limbo all the time- I have to be nice to him because I cant afford to get out yet. Which makes things a little calmer for me ( I also suffer from anxiety/panic attacks) so the calmness helps- that is the other thing that bothers me about his affairs. When I was at my weakest point with my anxiety/panic-he chose to search for someone else. Just really hurts I guess. I feel so betrayed and I am pretty sure I can't forgive & get past this-so I must leave.

But while I am still stuck here-he is doing his best to seek forgiveness- though my feelings just aren't in it. How do I get him to stop and just make him understand that I plan to leave still?

Any advice-gladly considered-thanks.

Last edited by taberdude; 04-11-2011 at 12:01 PM.

 
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:24 PM   #2
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

I am sorry this has happened to you. Though this has never happened to me, I have read similar situations on these boards. Are you sure that your husband has never met any of these women?


Maybe you can put it this way - "I will never be able to trust you again. Every time you log onto the computer or email, I will always wonder if you are joining a new dating site or seeking out new women to meet. When you leave the house, I will wonder if you are meeting someone. I will want to always check your email, phone, and credit card bills. I can't be in a marriage without trust and this cannot be restored. There is NOTHING you can do to make me trust you again."

I think the last line is particularly important so he hears that there is nothing HE can do, since men often want to fix problems.
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:25 PM   #3
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

Apparently in order to appease him, you could make an effort to really forgive him (whether he is being sincere or not, it doesn't really matter, you are doing it basically for your own heart), but nevertheless state that this doesn't make any difference in your decision to leave.....


Did you ever ask him what his reasons were for doing this?

 
Old 04-11-2011, 12:52 PM   #4
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

If I were in your shoes--married for 14 years, three children--I'd want to have a better understanding of what was going on in my partner's head which led to the so-called emotional affairs. No, it's not OK regardless of the answer. But, maybe he's just a dirtbag who had no regard for you and your family, or maybe he was in a dark place himself and looking for a way out. Either way, I'd want to know. The online world has taken a lot of victims over the years--I think a lot of people inadvertently get caught up with it all, and then it becomes almost like an addiction. And any depression and unhappiness just fuel the fire.

It would cause me extreme anger and distress to find out my wife was doing something like this, but my first instinct would not be to walk out the door. My first instinct would be, OK why did this happen.

Of course, maybe your relationship was already doomed and this just put the nail in the coffin.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 01:09 PM   #5
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

You said there were other things going on in the marriage that made you want to end it even before you found out about him cheating. If I were in your shoes, I think for me the cheating part would be the straw that broke the camel's back and I'd be done with him. You're right that it's just way too hard to trust again after something like this.

I think you should find a good lawyer who will help you work it out so you can stay with the kids in the house. He should be the one that moves out, not you. I can think of 3 ladies Ii know with kids who divorced due to infidelity and all of them were awarded the house because they were given primary custody of their kids while their ex husbands were just given visitation. I think it's worth exploring because, for the most part, family court judges would rather award the house to the parent who has the bigger resonsibility of the kids.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 01:41 PM   #6
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes, there were numerous things happening in the marriage itself.

1) He had a rough time finding employment for almost a year. So I took it upon myself to begin an online business that still keeps me very busy. I did this to better our lives & our kids lives. He insisted that this was the reason why he was looking elsewhere. The problem with that is his adventures started last summer and my business didn't start until November of last year and I was under the impression that our relationship was fine while he was signing up to dating sites.

2)In February this year. This year he did our personal taxes and instead of having the money deposited into our joint account, he had it deposited into his personal account. I confronted him at that point about it and he quickly put some money into our joint acct so I could access it too-but I had also discovered that he was looking at porn sites- and these weren't normal porn sites-they were totally degrading to women and involved machinery. I confronted him about it and he said he wouldn't do it anymore.

3) On March 31st- I went and stood behind him while he was at his computer. I looked at the screen and he was frantically trying to exit out of his email. But not before I got a glimpse of the email saying from another woman " I'm not sure if I want a relationship right now." That kicked up my suspicions. The next day I logged into his email and found out that he was emailing at least 2 women and saying romantic things to them. One of them he was trying to set up a joint bank acct with & purchase plane tickets. This was the same time he did the taxes. Hmm coincidence? Then with both women he was planning on sending pictures to them.

4) On the dating sites-he says he is willing to travel. He put that he was separated and on one he said he was willing to see where a relationship led.And he also was looking locally for women. He also had added women to his friends list and had chats with them. The profiles told me all these things.

5) Before finding all of this out- I started having panic attacks in October last year. Went to the emergency room 4 times. He went one time but stayed in the waiting room-he could have come back with me but did not. These were brought on because my 13 yr old daughters attempted suicide. When that happened-it was at night. She told me she took too many tylenol and I quickly grabbed my truck keys and told my husband where I was going. I rushed her to the hospital by myself- he never called, he never showed up at the hospital nothing. I handled it myself. Since that time my panic and anxiety is under control. Through natural therapy and vitamins.

6) Then there are the things like-I handle everything when it comes to the kids, plus run my business. He can be very negative as a person. As my 13 yr old was growing up he would pick on her weight issues. She has since lost weight but the scars of his words are still there. Her suicide attempt was directly related to him.

7) So throughout all of this rough patch (LOL) and my anxiety/panic attacks- he chose to be more selfish and find someone else. So he betrayed me in a big way, at least in my eyes.

There were many times he made me feel alone and I hated our relationship but I never once even thought about stepping out on him.

So in light of all of the above- would you say I have a good reason to leave?

 
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Old 04-11-2011, 03:49 PM   #7
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

YES you definately have a good enough reason to leave him. He sounds a rubbish husband and a rubbish dad the things he has said and done is awful and so disrespectful to you and your daughter. Leave him hes no good for you , you and your kids deserve so so so much better than him.

 
Old 04-12-2011, 07:22 AM   #8
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

OK, I take back what I said about learning more before rushing to a decision. Your husband sounds like a lost cause. The cheating aside (which, it looks like he was well on the road to take the cheating to the next level), nothing makes me more PO'd than hearing about a father being a $%&#@ father. It sounds like a really unhealthy environment for your daughter.

 
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:36 PM   #9
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

My ex-H had an emotional affair while we were married - it ultimately led to the divorce, tho there were other issues, like in your case. About the time I discovered the emotional affair (with a woman we both knew but I didn't get along with), I had discovered his interest in online dating sites. He claimed he just liked to look at and read the profiles, that he's a "people person" and always interested in what people say. I didn't push it, as we were having so many other problems, but I certainly started watching his online activity more. Which finally led me to discover the "affair".

Like you, I lost all trust at that point. And all respect. We fought over it, he swore he would not have anything more to do with her, and we got back together. I still didn't trust him, and of course when we'd argue it was always my fault, my issues, my problem - never his - which is another good indication that something else is going on as they want to lay the blame on you, not them. My ex even used to pull the "I'll just cancel the Internet then" crap. Of course he didn't mean it; it was his way to try to make me feel guilty. Didn't work - I told him to go ahead! (Needless to say he didn't.)

Of course, I found that they didn't stop their online communications (or maybe for a brief period) but he became more secretive. Didn't work - I discovered it and finally had enough and ended it.

If he has gotten to the point of joining dating sites and communicating with women, he will not stop. Oh, he may stop for a brief period, but you cannot believe how addicting it is. He may tell himself that he'll never meet the women, that he just enjoys the "pen pal" aspect of it. Yeah, right. The next time he is mad at you, or depressed or upset or feeling neglected, where do you think he'll go? This will become a seesaw of behavior, and your emotions will be up and down as long as you live in the house.

I agree with others that you should consider going to see an attorney and making him move out of the house. He is responsible for child support (I assume he's the father of the kids?) and to help with living expenses while you get on your feet. If you choose to continue the living arrangements the way they are, so be it. Just remember that he has learned before that he can hoodwink you; he will only find ways to become more sneaky at it. And of course he will try to win you back; I'm sure in his way he doesn't want to lose you.

Good luck and guard your heart. Emotional affairs can often be worse than physical ones - much harder to fight and they take a huge toll on us, wondering what we were doing wrong to make him feel he needs to go to another woman, etc. Just remember you did nothing wrong. If he felt depressed or lonely or whatever, he should have come to you and discussed it, not turn to another woman.

 
Old 04-12-2011, 02:09 PM   #10
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

Quote:
Has anyone else been through something like this? Its like living in limbo all the time- I have to be nice to him because I cant afford to get out yet.
Oh, yeah. You just described my entire life: from birth, right through both my marriages, until the present day.
If I could afford to, I'd live alone.
You can't trust anyone but yourself, really.
I know that sounds jaded, but there it is. I truly believe it.
Everyone will screw you over, given a chance.
Yours got caught in the act. I'm sure many others here just haven't gotten around to catching their husbands at it yet.
For myself: once burned, twice shy. I'd never look in my husband's computer or his personal stuff. I don't want to know what I might find.
Do I trust him?> Hell, no.
But I can't afford to live alone, and no other man would be any better.
And I do love him, although I don't trust him.

So... if you can afford to live alone and self-sufficiently, more power to you!
If you can't, well... you're probably going to have to accept that he did it, that you can't trust him, and that he'll more than likely continue to do it. And you'll have to see if you can love him despite that, and turn a blind eye to it.

But, no. I don't think any man can be trusted in a relationship. I'd become a lesbian, but I doubt any woman can be trusted in a relationship either.
In fact, I myself haven't always been that trustworthy (which merely proves my point).
Everyone lies sometimes, everyone sneaks sometimes, and it's a dangerous proposition to ever trust anyone with your whole heart.

Best of luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 04-12-2011 at 02:11 PM.

 
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Old 04-13-2011, 12:19 AM   #11
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

Can you not get legal advise on getting him out of the home as you have children to care for? My aunt went through something similar some years back, only her husband was actually cheating with a friend of theirs. They had to live together until he could move out and she made it quite clear that she wasn't interested by ignoring him, completely. She stopped cooking his meals, doing his laundry etc, he had to look after himself.

I disagree that no-one can be trusted in a relationship. Kali, I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences, but you can't tar everyone with the same brush. There are plenty of decent people out there. I've been with my husband 20 years and neither of us lie, sneak or cheat. I'm not saying we haven't had our ups and downs over the years, but neither of us has ever given the other any reason to lose trust.

 
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:56 AM   #12
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kali333 View Post
You can't trust anyone but yourself, really.
I know that sounds jaded, but there it is. I truly believe it.
Everyone will screw you over, given a chance.
Yours got caught in the act. I'm sure many others here just haven't gotten around to catching their husbands at it yet.
For myself: once burned, twice shy. I'd never look in my husband's computer or his personal stuff. I don't want to know what I might find.
Do I trust him?> Hell, no.
But I can't afford to live alone, and no other man would be any better.
That is an awful view of the world. Maybe I'm still young and naive (32), but I fully 100% trust my wife with everything and anything. I'm also very lucky to have two parents who are going on 40 years of marriage and are still best friends and have worked together every step of the way to build a wonderful life for themselves. So, I have seen that relationships can work.

 
Old 04-13-2011, 07:19 AM   #13
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kali333 View Post
Oh, yeah. You just described my entire life: from birth, right through both my marriages, until the present day.
If I could afford to, I'd live alone.
You can't trust anyone but yourself, really.
I know that sounds jaded, but there it is. I truly believe it.
Everyone will screw you over, given a chance.
Yours got caught in the act. I'm sure many others here just haven't gotten around to catching their husbands at it yet.
For myself: once burned, twice shy. I'd never look in my husband's computer or his personal stuff. I don't want to know what I might find.
Do I trust him?> Hell, no.
But I can't afford to live alone, and no other man would be any better.
And I do love him, although I don't trust him.

So... if you can afford to live alone and self-sufficiently, more power to you!
If you can't, well... you're probably going to have to accept that he did it, that you can't trust him, and that he'll more than likely continue to do it. And you'll have to see if you can love him despite that, and turn a blind eye to it.

But, no. I don't think any man can be trusted in a relationship. I'd become a lesbian, but I doubt any woman can be trusted in a relationship either.
In fact, I myself haven't always been that trustworthy (which merely proves my point).
Everyone lies sometimes, everyone sneaks sometimes, and it's a dangerous proposition to ever trust anyone with your whole heart.

Best of luck.
Maybe Kali is being somewhat cynical about humanity, but the bottomline is that she is reminding us that we are not perfect as human beings and we all can make mistakes at some given point in our lives. He who thinks he is morally superior to everyone else is probably deceiving themselves. If we bear this in our minds, maybe we won't be so affected by the deception other people cause to us and won't turn it into our problem (it is actually their problem). In some cases, being deceived by someone else kind of opens your eyes and you become stronger. Of course, everyone has their own level of tolerance and has to decide which people they can live with and which they should avoid at all.

 
Old 11-03-2011, 10:17 PM   #14
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Re: Anger & confusion over husbands emotional affairs

If he didit once he will do it again or you will end up leaving him anyway because what has happened will never leave your mind.

 
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