It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-11-2011, 02:58 PM   #1
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: bradford uk
Posts: 12
alan1961 HB User
divorce please help

Hello Friends
PLEASE FORGIVE MY INABILITY TO SPELL

This is all very complecated but I will try to make it short. I have been married to my wife for 9 years, it would be 10 years this oct. We have been together over 14 years now and have a seven year old daughter. Last May out of the blue an argument ensued and she asked me to leave the house and said she wanted a seperation. I was in total shock and had been suffering from depression for quite some time leading up to it all.

The end result after a month was that I entered hospital as a volenteer patient as I was suicidal. I was their for three weeks. During this period my wife sent me a text message saying she wanted a divorce and came into the hospital the next day to tell me so. This through me into even deeper shock and depression.

On coming out she went in July to the States to see her folks with our daguter who is now seven. She agreed after much pushing on her return to come to councelling and did so for Three sessions. I feel now that this was purely because she wanted to have fixed place to tell me that she no longer loved me and still wanted a divorce.

A few months after this we had stayed friends and I was just beggining to build again when her sisters visited the house our house. I was homless at this point. She removed her wedding rings and told me she was going to divorce me. I agreed to go through mediation for the sake of our child to make the possible divorce as easy as possible it has been all far too pleasent and inside I am dead. I have been sucidal many times and rung the samaritans for help in my times of despair. I am on medication to help the depression I have been unable to work apart from a short time but it all became far far too dificult. I deeply love my wife. For 10 years she had a terrible disordy Crohns it meant many times in hospital with constant stress for her I saw her on deaths door three times during this period with many long stays in hospital The stress finaciall and emotionally was intence to say the least. Eventually three four years ago she had a major operation to remove her bowl leaving her with a permanant stoma.
This put lots of pressure on the marrage but I really did try to support her through all. Two years ago she had a final operation to remove other more personal parts of her antomy. She was devastated as was I because this meant no riversal was possible. But we struggled through and she regained her health.

When you watch somone suffer like this and support them throughout as the marrage vows ask the pain of sudden rejection is unbarable. MY daughter is suffering and so am I but my wife seems set on the course of divorce and truly seems to reconise my good deads she only sees the bad ones. Of course i have made some major errors in our marrage but they were all with the truest intention of my wife's happiness.

She is now seeing another man who she met in though friends we met in the church we attend. I am devestated my vows and my family were everything to me I have failed I only want one chance to try. I thought forgiveness was part of our god pleas help if you can Thankyou!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-11-2011, 03:56 PM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: divorce please help

Has she given you a reason why she wants a divorce? What was the argument about? What was your errors? I'm asking these as i think a little more information would help so people can help you or advise you more. Its hard to say much when not much information has been given.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 04:03 PM   #3
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: bradford uk
Posts: 12
alan1961 HB User
Re: divorce please help

MY wife insists I was not supportive, that i let her down financially and that I talked to two people about her surgery. Some of this is true but not wholly true. Control was about trying to help her keep well and the financial pressure came about because a lot of the time I could not work because of the illness it ruiend my career. She tells me she no longer loves me and that she has not loved me for three years, yet a year ago she expressed a desire to remarry in church for our tenth anerversary

 
Old 04-11-2011, 04:08 PM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: divorce please help

Could you suggest counselling again ? It sounds like she does mean what she is saying though.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 04:17 PM   #5
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: bradford uk
Posts: 12
alan1961 HB User
Re: divorce please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
Could you suggest counselling again ? It sounds like she does mean what she is saying though.
I recieved divorce papers the yesterday. will not talk about it. I saw her today and told Her how much I still love her. She maintains she wants a divorce and remains silent

 
Old 04-12-2011, 06:03 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: divorce please help

I'm sorry for you. And I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think you should keep fighting for this marriage. Just let her have the divorce if she really wants it. It looks like she is being unfair to you and a bit confused as well, but you would do well to stop saying you love her and accusing her of anything, if ever you do so. This will simply add to your pain. Actually, at this point there is not much you can do. There are marriages that simply won't work, despite the vows. Please seek the support from your friends and try to move on with your life.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to pendulum For This Useful Post:
alan1961 (04-12-2011)
Old 04-13-2011, 05:25 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
trystme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,101
trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: divorce please help

It is time to rebuild your life without her in it. Do your best to try to get over her and move on. Focus on yourself and your daughter.

For your daughter's sake stop this sucicide insanity!!

 
The Following User Says Thank You to trystme For This Useful Post:
pendulum (04-13-2011)
Old 04-13-2011, 04:21 PM   #8
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: bradford uk
Posts: 12
alan1961 HB User
Re: divorce please help

When you are so low it is not your clear mind that thinks but somthing deep and primal Suicide is somtimes the only way one can think of stopping the pain. Does anyone think their is anychance with my wife. Has anyone gone as far as divorce and rekindled the relation ships I see my wife every day and she is really friendly their lies the madness are you not supposed to be best friends with the one you love.

 
Old 04-13-2011, 06:27 PM   #9
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: divorce please help

My honest opinion is i think this is the end of the marriage from what you have said so far. I know your really down at the moment but your daughter doesnt need her dad thinking, saying, or attempting suicide or even doing it. She still needs her dad. I think it would be selfish to end your life because even though your hurting too that you and your wife is split up and possibly divorcing but your daughter will be hurting too , the kids suffer the most i think. Your daughter needs 2 strong parents who can do all this in a calm respectable way. Not saying that you don't already i am just saying anyway.

You really need to take a break from trying and see what happens. Maybe give it 2 week for her to change her mind , because if you take a step back she may realise and want to stay. No guarantee's that she will but for whats happening for you at the moment, anythings worth a try , right? If no luck after 2 week then i would suggest to accept that its over and move on and focus on the future. Give yourself time to heal and focus and be strong for you and your daughter. I know it is very very hard and heartbreaking for you at the moment and you want your wife back but if shes truly not happy then the kindest thing would be to let her go so she can be happy. Everybody deserves happiness.

I wish you luck and strength.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
pendulum (04-14-2011)
Old 04-14-2011, 01:10 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: divorce please help

I know some people may not agree with this tactic, because they may find it too sly, but when I saw that Crying suggested that you take a step back for say two weeks, I thought: Oh, well, you can't really change people, but one of the surest ways to influence people is to feign indifference. As if you really didn't care. When she notices you are only minding your own business, she may start to look at you with different eyes, and then who knows what can happen?

I'm saying this only because you insist on keeping this marriage. Otherwise, I think you would be better to admit it is over and to move on.

 
Old 04-14-2011, 03:50 AM   #11
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: divorce please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
I know some people may not agree with this tactic, because they may find it too sly, but when I saw that Crying suggested that you take a step back for say two weeks, I thought: Oh, well, you can't really change people, but one of the surest ways to influence people is to feign indifference. As if you really didn't care. When she notices you are only minding your own business, she may start to look at you with different eyes, and then who knows what can happen?

I'm saying this only because you insist on keeping this marriage. Otherwise, I think you would be better to admit it is over and to move on.

Good idea lol. I have done this before and it worked. My ex a few year ago would disapear for weeks on end completely ignore my calls and texts i was devastated then i would talk to my mother and she would say ''You know what to do then don't you , make it look like your moving on, oh and do not ring or text and he will start wondering what your upto or he might think ooooh thats strange shes not chasing me anymore''. I took that advice and it worked everytime he came back. But after a while i ended the relationship. It also worked for a couple of other bad relationships too.

So i think this maybe is a good suggestion for you Alan. My post was pretty much the same thing , give it 2 weeks no trying, no words about 'getting back' or 'divorce' just take a step back say nothing get on with things and see what happens but i wouldn't suggest waiting for more than 2 weeks.

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-14-2011 at 03:52 AM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 03:38 PM   #12
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: bradford uk
Posts: 12
alan1961 HB User
Re: divorce please help

any other advice pleasssssssssse

 
Old 04-29-2011, 12:31 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: divorce please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by alan1961 View Post
When you are so low it is not your clear mind that thinks but somthing deep and primal Suicide is somtimes the only way one can think of stopping the pain. Does anyone think their is anychance with my wife. Has anyone gone as far as divorce and rekindled the relation ships I see my wife every day and she is really friendly their lies the madness are you not supposed to be best friends with the one you love.
I am very sorry you are divorced now. But if she made up her mind to leave you and take the child, there is nothing you could do to change her unless some day she realized she still wants you... In the mean time, it is done. She didn't reallly explain why and etc.
You need to move on. Here where I live, there is very bad case: the dumped husband went crazy and ruined himself by eliminating his kids saying his ex-wife is mean and all that... It is so horrible.

You have to see a doctor for your depression. You may need some medication to calm you down. I know how sad and angry you feel, but she just didn't buy it. I am not sure why she didn't care how you felt in the hospital.... I am sorry she is breaking you like this. But you need to be rational. This can happen to anyone with shock and I am sorry it happened to you. Please find a support group to talk about it. Your kid still needs you so please try to find help and maybe one day you will accept it and move on.

Take care,
Nina

 
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post:
pendulum (04-29-2011)
Old 04-29-2011, 03:33 PM   #14
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: bradford uk
Posts: 12
alan1961 HB User
Re: divorce please help

I sm not divorced yet My child was with me today and tells me that my wife has been seeing a man who I know is twice divorced. He is sleeping in my marital home and with my wife. He claims he is a christian and that it is not adultery and as it is in the scriptures he even said to me that he understood what I was going through. It took me all my strength not to harm him

Please help me somone how do I deal with the pain and anger at the hypocracy of it all. I do beleave in christ and my wife met this man through our church the pain is too much too too much

 
Old 04-30-2011, 04:37 AM   #15
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: divorce please help

There is no other way of getting the pain and hurt to go away other than TIME. In time when months and years pass by the pain will fade or maybe it will go forever. You just have to be strong for you and your child and focus on the future as hard it is you just have to keep on going. I agree with another post about getting some medication to calm you a little and see a therapist to talk it over. Sorry its a diffacult time for you but seriously theres no other way to make the heartache go than time.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Divorce while still in our 20s Resolute Relationship Health 4 01-18-2011 07:00 AM
you want it. you got it. your loss. ms1 Relationship Health 26 10-17-2008 10:30 PM
Scared of marriage pa43 Relationship Health 21 09-27-2007 09:01 AM
help please charlatans Relationship Health 443 02-27-2006 09:06 AM
PLEASE HELP! Is it over or is there a hope? lovingyou Relationship Health 202 06-20-2005 12:05 PM

Tags
depressed breakup love lost heartbroken, desperate, divorce, seperation



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1165), MSJayhawk (1000), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:14 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!