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Old 04-20-2011, 04:28 PM   #1
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hurting so bad

I am a 36 year old women and my partner has just left me....I tried to give him everything and at lass it was not enough. I am so broken that I cant do the small things in life...I am a teacher/manager so I cant hide behind my work because I have to teach and be in front of people all the time.
To give you a short story of what happened we met when I had just split from another relationship....we nearly got married but it all fell apart in my previous so I was broken ....When I met my new partner it was difficult at first as he never seem to contribute in terms of sharing costs of shopping etc and being there for me...We however got closer but we were very different in terms of our outlook on life. I thought we wanted the same things and he wanted to move up north to follow a career and I tried to follow him but could not get a job. I spent the first 7 months of our relationship scared to loose him...living in fear of him going without me and it made me so insecure but I never felt I could be honest how it was effecting me so I bottled it up. It would come out in outbursts of upset every 4 weeks or so and I would end it or say I needed to get away and think. ...i could not stop these emotional outbursts and when he left he said he could not take the ups and downs... We went to plan B and because he has an Australian passport we decided we would move to Australia... He talked about it and we agreed that we would need to be married if i was to quit my job move away etc.....We talked about the move but he never talked about how we would make it happen and he never committed to starting to plan for the move or our so called wedding. I felt ripped inside and knew deep down that he did not want to commit to me....I felt it every day and was worried sick he was going to end it ....He never seemed to be there for me emotionally and It seemed i was always trying to make his dreams come true but he never really put the effort in... I'm not here to just slate him and i feel I am responsible for wrecking out relationship....I should not have kept ending it and fearing him leaving me...I felt so insecure.... He aloud his brother to put us through so much and never told him to stop...he was always feeling sorry for himself that he could not find the one and he was always putting on people to make him feel better. When we moved in together we was not aloud to celebrate because he was so angry at us and said he felt deserted. We went on holiday with his brother and parents and he wrecked the first part of the holiday being nast to all of us... My partner said I was to sensitive and took things on board to much...but I always felt that I was left on the outside looking in .... He was awful when he ended it and text me it was over and said he was not coming home and going tohis mums... I drove all the way to his mums crying and shaking and begging him to come back. He was horrible to me and would not even talk to me alone and his parent were there...He said his feelings had changed and that he did not want to carry on and had made up his mind...He left me crying and shaking in the services and did not even care if I was okay....He promised to come to me but never turned up and thats why I drove to his mums...His mum blamed me and said I was stuck in my way yet I was so giving and caring to her and tried to change my life to fit in with his dreams....
Well Ive heard nothing from him since he moved his stuff out....he has been so cruel ...does not care about how it ended ..how i feel what I tried to give up for him... or his part in all this... Im left shattered and broken on the floor... Im desperate and I cant eat,sleep and i keep panicking about my future.. I have my own home... I know i have a good job....and I know im healthy but I just feel drained and feel no one wil lever love me and as the cycle aways goes they always leave me... I give so much and I nkow Im not perfect but why did he not want to work things thruogh with me....I dont run away at the first hurdle I try... What can I do to carry on ...it hurts so much and im left shattered on the floor...The morning are the worst I wake up and just feel frozen...I lay in bed and struggle to get up..carry on ..see the future...Ive been thruogh so much pain and dont want to feel this anymore..Please help what shall I doo i feel worthless and desperate...

 
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:23 PM   #2
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Re: hurting so bad

I know it may not seem it now but the pain will fade away in time. Allow yourself to go through the recovery process which means crying , feeling angry, broken but each day will get easier i PROMISE you its just so fresh at the moment so its maybe hard for you to imagine but i have been in your position before i did everything for my ex 3 year ago and he treat me like dirt, control freak, cheater, in the end ran off with a woman who he was cheating with and his new girlfriend was sending my texts rubbing it in , it hurt like HELL the pain was horrible i did everything for him. He once said to me after though ''You'll thank me one day that i left'' and he is sooooo right aswell because i have seen him on FB and when i see his face i feel violently sick at the thought that i went with him and was with him , i realised he is unattractive and horrible and i am sooooooo happy that he went. I am much much stronger now too and you may become stronger too.

Days , weeks, months, and years will pass by without him and you will get used to it and i bet you anything you will look back and think what the hell did i see in him he is so not worthy of my time. You will become like me feel nothing for the ex i think anyway. Whatever you do, you need to get on with things , hard as it is pull yourself together go and see your close friends and have girly time after work or any spare time , pamper yourself. He is not worthy of your tears he really isnt he didnt treat you like a man should treat a lady.

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-20-2011 at 05:26 PM.

 
Old 04-21-2011, 06:36 PM   #3
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Re: hurting so bad

You should never give "everything" just to try to keep a man. I think maybe they leave because you give up so much of yourself that you no longer exist...make sense? So many of the posts on here are from women who say they gave their ex soooo much, did everything for him, gave up their friends, family, moved away from home, and he still left them. That's because a man will lose respect for a woman who completely gives herself up to try to please and keep him.

You are a good person, that seems obvious. But you cannot lose yourself in someone because when they leave, you have nothing left. Keep yourself who you are and don't ever try to change to please someone because you are fine the way you are, and a man who truly loves you will love you for who you are, not because of all you give up for him.

 
Old 04-21-2011, 10:16 PM   #4
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Re: hurting so bad

Excellent advice CadenceA..........I too have gave everything to an ex and it really does get you no where. I hope us women who do this get stronger and dont let no one treat us like dirt. How you feeling today gillgill ?

 
Old 04-22-2011, 03:50 AM   #5
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Re: hurting so bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by gillgill View Post
.... I have my own home... I know i have a good job....and I know im healthy ...
Focus on this, and be thankful that you have escaped this man and his family. Next time around, don't allow your heart to lead the way alone. I am sure you wouldn't teach this to your pupils/students/trainees... You need more instinct and reason in your life, and your task is to find ways of developing those aspects of your character.

 
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Old 04-23-2011, 03:39 AM   #6
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Re: hurting so bad

Sorry you are hurting. This man was selfish from the start....as he didn't even want to share in the cost of groceries which he was helping to consume I imagine. The signs are always there from the start. I think he did you a huge favor. He sounds like a loser to me who doesn't even deserve to be with a woman like yourself.

 
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Old 04-24-2011, 12:32 PM   #7
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Re: hurting so bad

I am at my mum and dads at the moment....It been such a hard 3 weeks ...I have been lucky enough to be on half term...thanks for asking how I am and I will try to put it into words....I know I will here nothing from him ever again....that I have excepted...he left without so much as a backward glance...I feels so rejected and have a numb umloving feeling for myself. I am seeing a councellor on a weekly basis as I dont like myself so much and feel that I am not worthy of love....I am trying to get back on my feet but feel lost and broken. I loved him so much and keep hoping he is missing me but I know deep down he is not...I know he is not because of the way he treated me in the end...Im scared about my future and dont know what will become of me and have imense guilt that I can't give my life to someone less fortunate than myself...someone who has everything to be here for and me well I just hurt the people I love... like my parents who just want me to find happiness...I keep letting them down. At 36 I feel I will never have children and be able to see them grow up and love a special person...Im lost and don't understand as Im not a bad person yet everyone ends up leaving me forever....whats worse is they never even stop to look back. I look at what other people have...the love the family the laughter and it kills me inside. My dad is an orphan and has grown up and lived his whole life with this feeling and I could not even bring him happiness through me... I cry on and off but I have hit this wall of numb...Im not functioning well and I feel like I am having an outer boby experience...I watch me going through the motions...trying to put on an act...I go over in my head over and over what he is thinknig ...he must hate me...he is out living it up and I just cause myself even more pain...i wonder if i can ever get thruogh this again and im not sure anymore...I can't find happiness in any part of my life right now.... I try to go out and walk I try to feel again but at lass I feel nothing...im so scared

 
Old 04-24-2011, 08:04 PM   #8
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Re: hurting so bad

Gillgill,

I would like to tell you I had been there although it is not similar situation. But I was hurt mentally badly. Really bad. So bad I even went back to my ex-boyfriend who left me again anyway and then I met my husband. It is going to be a bumpy road, but if you see more new people, they can comfort you and make you forget about the sad past. It is not your fault because he treated you badly. If he had been a nice guy, why would you feel this way? A good split up is nicer.
Don't think too much about having kids - you are still young enough and there are many ways to get pregnant and there is infertility clinic and all that. But if you do want kids, time is precious. You certainly should move on. Don't lose confidence. There are other good guys out there. Even if you and he went bad, it does not mean you won't have a good relationship. I know it is dark right now, but if you go see other people and other world, things will open up. I say this from my own experience.
Take time off and go sightseeing and see old friends and see new people. Join a new club or group and do new things. It hurts but you need to move on before you sink too much... If you need it, seek a therapist and/or medication.
You will get better. Sorry about what happened.

Take care,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 04-24-2011 at 08:08 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2011, 02:33 PM   #9
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Re: hurting so bad

I am trying to get back on my feet again now....I feel so strange inside...very numb and I log on here and all lthe posts I get really help...thanks to everyone who has taken the time to write to me...or reply...
I have not heard from him at all firstly and know I never will now. Im trying to work out what I want to do with my life and it is really hard going. Im not really sure what I need to do next and not sure which way to turn to find my happiness. My parents want me to go to the doctors but I dont want to...I want to do this on my own... Well as you know I was going to go to Australia to live my life with this man and really deep down I still want to go. I have now booked onto the IELT's test...I have to get 7's in four areas to pass and get 25 points to get into Australia. If I go for the state visa...sponsor I will be able to get in to the country in about 12 months... It is going to cost 4 thousand all together and I could start the application tomorrow but once I sign on the dotted lines I have to pay this money...Im scared in case I am running away but I have always wanted to live in australia and start a new life...I dont know what to do and I dont know if I should go ahead tomorrow. If I leave it much longer it could be difficult to get in and the rules are changing in a month and that might mean i dont get in under the new regulations ...so I feel like it is now or never. Im scared to make the wrong decision but scared not to go ahead... I feel I should be building towards my happiness and I am not happy in England...there is to much pain here and memories. Im suppose to be meeting a guy as well tomorrow on a blind date and I feel so worried that he will reject me...I know I sound like I am all over the place but I just dont know what to do to find happiness.....He sounds really lovely on the phone but of course does not know the full story with me and I feel guilty for lieing to him....Its messy is it not my life and I feel totally confused.......

 
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Old 04-27-2011, 02:52 PM   #10
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Re: hurting so bad

sounds like he did you a favor......he's no good....you're better off without him. he wasn't emotionally supportive, etc.
please never put a mans needs and dreams above your own.......

 
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Old 04-27-2011, 07:23 PM   #11
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Re: hurting so bad

You only live once and you have no ties now you are single. Life is about creating memorys and taking opportunitys. Sometimes people are scared to make that step to follow there dreams. If i could move to another country i would , i too am from england i hate england its crap but i have ties here in england which means i can't go just yet.

from the sounds of it you could do with a fresh start too and to achieve your dreams. I'd say go for it girl. Take the opportunity. Imagine waking up in the sun everyday , nice places to look at, palm tree's , beautiful animals etc.....or you could always stay in england and see the same old and be tormented by the memorys although in time that may fade.

Hugs xxxxxxxxxxx

Last edited by cryingforever; 04-28-2011 at 12:57 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 11:01 AM   #12
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Re: hurting so bad

GillGill, By all means go to Australia if you have all the stuff ready. But if your heart is not ready and goes there to feel sad or lonely or foreign, it is not good for you. So you need to decide first if you are OK mentally. Don't go to another country and get lost in your mind there... It would not help. If you have a purpose even if was meant to be done with him, you can still get on with it to accomplish things for yourself.
Remember you have a goal in that country and make sure you are ready for it.

Good luck,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 04-28-2011 at 11:02 AM.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 11:44 AM   #13
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Re: hurting so bad

I would encourage you to go to Australia if you already have a job there and know people you can count upon. Otherwise, it can be a very hard experience, even if you feel elated in the very beginning because everything feels new and fresh. I don't want to sound like a damper, though.

If you make up your mind to go, have a plan B for just in case you want to come back "home."

 
Old 04-28-2011, 01:00 PM   #14
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Re: hurting so bad

If you go and you decide its not for you , you could always come back. I know you might of paid alot of money to go BUT at least you tried and gave it a go. Why not take a holiday there and see if you think you can live there? Yeah i agree with another post , always have a back up plan.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 08:16 PM   #15
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Re: hurting so bad

Just make sure to be honest with yourself and make sure you're not going because you're hoping to work things out with him. Uprooting yourself that much to go after a guy is a bad idea, especially when there's not a future with him.

 
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