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Old 04-29-2011, 10:14 PM   #1
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what do i do? my fiancee hates my family

I don't know if I attract controlling me, if I like it or if i'm partially insane. I always knew my fiancee was a little controlling. Since his ex wife cheated on him, it s understandable to be a little insecure. I am completely devoted to him and I would never think of being unfaithful. Myproblem is that he believes I do too many favors for my family. I can't believe my relationship is coming to an end for lending my car to my mother. I don't think this is normal. Recently, my parents asked me to move in to my house for a week. My fiancee and I live together in my house and although i knew he was not going to like it, I told them my doors were always open to them. This has caused so much turmoil, we are barely in speaking terms. I don't know what to do.. I love him. I am in love with him, but I feel if he cannot accept my family, our relationship will never work out. Even though it has been my life long dream to have a child, I have accepted that we may never be able to have a child because he has a medical problem that affects that and even though i don't like drugs and have repeatedly requested for him to stop, he smokes pot on a weekly basis for days at a time. I wish i could find a resolution to this problem. He does not want me to do my family any favors and I refuse to turn them away. Help....

 
Old 04-29-2011, 10:54 PM   #2
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

Tell him to not let the door hit him in the butt on his the way out of your house. Trust me -- you're waaaaaay better off without him -- for sure!!!

 
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Old 04-29-2011, 11:27 PM   #3
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

Quote:
Originally Posted by amygdala View Post
Tell him to not let the door hit him in the butt on his the way out of your house. Trust me -- you're waaaaaay better off without him -- for sure!!!
Thanks for the advice, but I really do love him. God knows I was willing to marry him knowing these things. Everytime we fight, he threatens to leave me and I can't stand that kind of instability. I got off an abusive relationship prior to meeting this guy. I know what it does to you and how it weakens you. I will never do that again.. I'm almost feeling like it's heading towards that path... But I am in love with him and the thought of losing him hurts my heart and my ego.

 
Old 04-29-2011, 11:34 PM   #4
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

Quote:
I'm almost feeling like it's heading towards that path...
Hello????? You're not heading towards that path -- you're ALREADY THERE
Take a step back; re-read your initial post, and see if the proverbal light bulb comes on. For your sake, I hope it does.

 
Old 04-30-2011, 02:20 AM   #5
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

Quote:
Originally Posted by amygdala View Post
Hello????? You're not heading towards that path -- you're ALREADY THERE
Take a step back; re-read your initial post, and see if the proverbal light bulb comes on. For your sake, I hope it does.
Think again, please. Are you sure this man "loves" you? Love means compromising. "Scratch me, and I'll scratch you". There is hardly any exchange in this relationship.

 
Old 04-30-2011, 04:15 AM   #6
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

If i was you i would say to him ''My family will always be in my life so you either have to accept it or move on without me''. He has NO RIGHT at all.

 
Old 04-30-2011, 04:20 AM   #7
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

Why does he hate your family and not want you to do nice things for them? its not his family so he has absolutely no right to try control you and blackmail you. tell him to get lost. hes a control freak and a bully.

 
Old 04-30-2011, 06:08 AM   #8
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

Please move on.... and I agree, dont let the door hit him on the way out. I am very familiar with what you are experiencing, and it will get worse if you stay and horrible if you ever had children with this person. Would you want your children, I know you said he cannot have children, but would you want your child behaving this way, treating you, or your family and his or her spouse with such disrespect?

I cant emphasize enough the severity and damage this is going to do on you, and your future. I know from personal experiece that it will affect both your physical and mental health, and make you very sick if you continue in this relationship. There are sooo many warning signs in your post, go with your gut, follow it out of the relationship.

i know you are in love with him and i understand it is difficult to even think of the possibilty of leaving him, but who do you love more yourself, or him? Dont you need to protect yourself? He seems to be comfortable where he is, but tear you down and isolate you from your family, that will continue and once you are married, it will get worse. Dont you want more?

Last edited by mominpain2; 04-30-2011 at 06:22 AM. Reason: added something

 
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Old 04-30-2011, 06:57 AM   #9
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

Let's see, he is insecure, controlling, hates your family and won't allow you to help them, can't have kids but you want some eventually, and he is a pothead. That's who he is in a nutshell.

It's a shame that you aren't able to see him for who he really is and for that to be reason enough for you to break it off. Your family is your family and will always be not matter what. Of course you will help your parents when they need it because that is what normal people do within families - they help each other. Perhaps your fiance was repeatedly dropped on his head by his parents as a child so now he is a pothead who hates his own family and doesn't like anyone else's.

But the point is, how you choose to interact with your own parents is your business, not his. He has zero right to tell you what you can or can't do with them. For him to even try shows what a control freak he is. Do not ever allow him or anyone else in your life control your interaction with your family because that is off limits to outsiders. He will never be family, he will always be an outsider to that unit, even if you got married and he needs to accept that or else he needs to be the one to move on and find someone else.

If he did up and leave you as a result of this, he would be doing you a huge favor. It's pretty clear that if you married him, he would just end up controlling everything you do and you would have no freedom to do anything of your own choosing anymore. I think it is a huge mistake for you to stay with him because if you think it's bad now, wait until you're his wife and he starts using the old, "You're my wife and you will obey me" line on you. That's going to turn out very badly for you, I'm sure of it.

Plus he uses drugs and for me that's a deal breaker and I have a zero tolerance policy for that. I wouldn't get involved with a pothead in the first place, much less get engaged to one, because I won't tolerate that juvenile behavior around me. It's pretty clear that you have never liked it either but still you kept dating him, got engagedan and invited him to live in your house. As you can see now, that was a huge mistake on many levels and that's why you need to kick him out of your house and out of your life.

 
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Old 04-30-2011, 10:12 AM   #10
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

I know you love him, but the truth is, it takes a lot more than just love to make a relationship work in the long run. It takes understanding, compromise, respect, and compatibility. And it seems all these other things are missing from your relationship. He doesn't understand your relationship with your family and how important it is to you to be there for them, he's not willing to compromise at all on the matter, he doesn't respect your feelings for your family, and his being a pothead is not compatible with your feelings amd beliefs on drug use. It would seem that, lovey dovey feelings aside, this relationship just doesn't have very much going for it.

I'm not sure if he hates your family, like you say in your title, or if he hates your attention being anywhere but on him. In any case, your family is an important part of who you are, and he really has no right to tell you what you can and can't do for them. You can talk things out and compromise so that your doing for your family doesn't inconvenience your household to an unreasonable degree, but from what you said in your post, there has been no talking it out, no compromise at all.

And the whole threatening to leave you every time you argue thing, very immature and manipulative, a strategy intended to keep you stressed, insecure about the relationship and off center, and a childish trick to try to get his way on everything. You really need to think long and hard about why you think this guy would be a good life partner. Can you come up with 5 true statements about why he would be a good help mate and life parter BESIDES "but I loooooooovvvve him!!" ? How does he elevate you, how does he make you and your life more than what it is without him? How does he fulfill and enrich you?

 
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Old 04-30-2011, 02:10 PM   #11
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Re: what do i do? my fiancee hates my family

Quote:
Originally Posted by about2break up View Post
I don't know if I attract controlling me, if I like it or if i'm partially insane. I always knew my fiancee was a little controlling. Since his ex wife cheated on him, it s understandable to be a little insecure. I am completely devoted to him and I would never think of being unfaithful. Myproblem is that he believes I do too many favors for my family. I can't believe my relationship is coming to an end for lending my car to my mother. I don't think this is normal. Recently, my parents asked me to move in to my house for a week. My fiancee and I live together in my house and although i knew he was not going to like it, I told them my doors were always open to them. This has caused so much turmoil, we are barely in speaking terms. I don't know what to do.. I love him. I am in love with him, but I feel if he cannot accept my family, our relationship will never work out. Even though it has been my life long dream to have a child, I have accepted that we may never be able to have a child because he has a medical problem that affects that and even though i don't like drugs and have repeatedly requested for him to stop, he smokes pot on a weekly basis for days at a time. I wish i could find a resolution to this problem. He does not want me to do my family any favors and I refuse to turn them away. Help....
Are you seriously asking us if you should waste any more time with a dude that smokes weed all day and doesnt support family? Are you serious? You cant find anyone better than that?

If it were me, I'd cut bait and find someone worth dating, that guy sounds like a loser, the fact that you are here on this board means you know he is a loser.

This is life, and you are wasting yours by devoting any time to this scrub simply because you think you love him.

 
Old 04-30-2011, 03:51 PM   #12
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Re: what do i do? my fiancee hates my family

Quote:
Originally Posted by about2break up View Post
My fiancee and I live together in my house and although i knew he was not going to like it, I told them my doors were always open to them. This has caused so much turmoil, we are barely in speaking terms. I don't know what to do.. I love him. I am in love with him, but I feel if he cannot accept my family, our relationship will never work out. Even though it has been my life long dream to have a child, I have accepted that we may never be able to have a child because he has a medical problem that affects that and even though i don't like drugs and have repeatedly requested for him to stop, he smokes pot on a weekly basis for days at a time. I wish i could find a resolution to this problem. He does not want me to do my family any favors and I refuse to turn them away. Help....
It sounds like you are holding on to him because you are afraid you won't find another guy. Well you will.
Marriage is about family - both sides of families also. It is like 3 families actually - yours, his and your own with him. If he does not understand what family is given his attitude toward yours, he should not live with you and continue to be your fiance. What about his family? I bet he will ask you to comply... Not fair, isn't it?
He is not facing his responsibility and he smokes pots. He has not grown up really or he is not ready for marriage.
So you need to dump him and move on.

Your problem now is you are afraid you will be alone. Don't be. Your family is your help. You will move on with your Mom's help. You will meet a better guy one day. A guy who loves family.

Take care,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 04-30-2011 at 03:52 PM.

 
Old 04-30-2011, 05:02 PM   #13
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Re: what do i do? my fiancee hates my family

I recommend you end the relationship and then stay single for a long time, until you find out (perhaps with therapy) why you are attracted to abusive men and keep getting into toxic relationships. And why you believe you feel "love" for these kinds of men.

 
Old 05-01-2011, 09:12 AM   #14
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Re: what do i do?my fiancee hates my family

You are right. He is jealous of my relationship with my family. He want to be the most important person in my life as he feels I am to him. There is no compromising with him, because he feels that if he accepts any part of this situation, it would be the same as saying they are more important to me than HE is to me. At any rate, I totally messed up his relationship with my parents. In retrospect, I completely regret telling them the situation and how my fiancee felt about them. At the time, I was angry and desperate. I coulndn't handle his rejection, the screaming matches and the threats. At the time, I wanted to be out of this relationship.
He does have some valid points. I do lots of favors for my family and they don't do much for me. However, that has not always been the case, and I've always been in the frame of mind that when I give, I give from my heart and not expecting anything back. In my mind, God or life will repay me. I don't agree with him and I probably will never agree with him. We are trying to work out this very uncomfortable situation. Other than the pot issue, and a medical issue he has, we have never had any problems. Ithink it's mainly because i'm usuallly so passive that I will just go with the flow. We agree in most life issues. I don't know what will happen next time we have a disagreement.
Now, we are still arguing over the situatiion, but the damage is done. My family will never ask for another favor again. I am saddened by the whole situation, because I don't want them to think they can't rely on me... which really is the case. I can't believe my "perfect little relationship" is coming to an end because i do "too many favor" for my family. Now it' s coming to an end because i disrespected him in front of my father.. and that is true... I ruined any kind of civil relationship they might have had. but at least, now the feeling is mutual.. now they both don't like each other! I'm ashamed of what I did.. I ended up hurting both their feelings... but at least they will never ask for another favor again

 
Old 05-01-2011, 09:37 AM   #15
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Re: what do i do? my fiancee hates my family

Your been to hard on yourself i think. You spoke to your family because you was upset and needed to talk. If your fiance wasnt selfish and mean towards you anyway then you wouldnt of vented to your family about the upset hes causing you. So actually its his fault for upsetting you in the first place. You have to talk to someone , someone who you can trust and confide in and that seems to be your family , if you didnt talk about whats going on for YOU (and not always about him) then you would go crazy or severely depressed. We all need to vent and express ourselves , because i bet you couldnt speak to your fiance because hes all me me me and blames you for everything as you said. Dont feel guilty but obviously if you tell your parents the negative things they will have a different view on him but again thats nothing for you to feel guilty about. Just because your an adult doesnt mean you cant talk to your mum and dad about issues thats bothering you they care for you and thats what they are here for.

Your fiance is the selfish one and it is none of his business if you help your family , because its YOUR family not his. If he has jealousy issues over your closeness with your family he has to be grown up about it and put his feelings aside and would want to see you happy with your family as he knows exactly how it feels not been close to his own. Maybe if he had more of an involvment with your family maybe he will feel apart of the family and be happy. Seems hes stressing far too much about you helping family. Everybody whos decent helps there familys no matter what and no matter how many times or sacrifices they have to make.

 
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