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Old 05-01-2011, 03:42 AM   #1
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Wife cheated on me several times

Hi to all members. This is my first post on this forum and I'm Glad I have found it and hope I'm posting in the right thread.

Ok! I'm a father of 3yr old Son and 3months old daughter. I have been married for 6yrs. This is all I wanted. But 2 years (my son is only 1year old) back I have found my wife cheating on me.

1st time : Caught her with sms on her phone. I have given her all the freedom, I've never suspected her. Even when she was on the phone for long times. But I have warned her to be careful with the "long lost friend" she suddenly found.
But one day I felt just to check her inbox. Prior checking the phone I did feel bad suspecting her like this but when I saw the stuff in the inbox and outbox I did not. I spoke to her regarding the sms and she admit that the long lost friend has become her new found lover. She has skipped work and gone outings. She did apologies that it was a mistake and will never be repeated.
Even after such thing I manage to forgive her. I have not spoken to anyone regarding this. When I asked did I do anything bad or am I a bad husband she said no. I'm confused. We have a wonderful life (Love, Health, wealth, sex, happiness, children) what more can you ask for. I bloody organise surprise b'days for her.

2nd time: After three months one of her work mate phoned me and informed me that she has gone out for unnecessary reason. He has overheard her telling that sh is going on a date with some guy. I went to find out and caught her red handed. (Way she got caught is a long story, dont want to make the post huge ) She refused first but I manage to get her company telephone bill and there I found long listed phone calls made to the new found lover.
After the first encounter I told her don't ever do such thing again but her she broke her promise. I had to tell her parents regarding this as I was gonna divorce her. They were shocked as me (obviously). When I said that I was gonna divorce her they begged and asked me not to. I thought of my son this time thinking what would happen to him. After forcing my head I manage to get the strength(for the sake of my son) to give her another chance.

3rd time: Just now I got a call (from a trusted source) that she has another relationship). Where she had met her many times and even invited him when I was not at home. And my 3yr old son had start saying his name and she has told to stop it. We have a beautiful 2 months old baby girl and a son. How could she betray them. I haven't done anything bad things to her. She must be having some mental disorder to do such thing.

What should I do now? I want a divorce but what about my kids. I love them soo much I cant live without them.

 
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Old 05-01-2011, 11:08 AM   #2
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Divorce no questions ask. I would get custody of the child...dont need a role model like that. You gave her plenty of chance but obviously no respect for you our your child.

 
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Old 05-01-2011, 04:00 PM   #3
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Three times??? Without trust, what do you really have as far as your relationship is concerned. Divorce is a huge decision, and too many couples give up too easily. I say go with your gut. I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust. Period.

 
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Old 05-01-2011, 04:05 PM   #4
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Divorce her she wont change , shes already done it 3 times and got away with it theres no stopping her now because she knows you always stay. Staying is allowing.

 
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Old 05-01-2011, 06:00 PM   #5
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Gasuhe - was this an arranged marriage?

 
Old 05-01-2011, 09:09 PM   #6
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Gasuhe - was this an arranged marriage?
Unfortunately no. We had a affair of 4yrs prior getting married.

I manage to check her secret mobile that she used to contact the new lover. When o went through the sms it is clear that they are having an affair.

My question is will I be able to get custody for both of my kids. What matters is the daughter as she is only 3months old. O dont wont any of my kids to become like there mother.

Could she be having a mental dissorder?

Thank you all for your valuable response.

 
Old 05-02-2011, 05:12 AM   #7
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Hire an attorney to know what your rights will be and to help answer your questions about the divorce and custody of the children.

She could have a mental disorder but more likely she just does it because she doesn't really care about you and cares more about herself than anyone else.

 
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Old 05-02-2011, 08:33 AM   #8
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

This sounds kind of strange. I admit she should not have acted like that and even her son picked up some guy's name like that...
However it sounds like you are the "boss" here. I know you said you got everything, but do you expect a good wife who follows your orders in the old-fashioned way? You told her family you would divorce her - have you told her again and again? Did she tell you why or anything? I know she is acting very wayward as a wife, but how is your life with her? Do you order her around? Does she have things to do or is she bored? I don't know your background, but sounds like you got "spies" to spy her around. I mean your friends are the one that found out about her??? Did you ask them to follow her or check on her?
If this marriage is not based on mutual respect, it is not going to work anyway. You sound like it is unfortuante if it is not arranged. I think something is not right here. If you feel a wife needs to do what you want to do, then maybe she is just rebelling.

Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 05-02-2011 at 09:12 AM.

 
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Old 05-02-2011, 11:28 AM   #9
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

I agree with Nina: all of this sounds very strange, very confusing. You say you give her everything, including love and wealth; she cheats on you, but only recognizes it was a mistake when she is found out. And then she goes on cheating again. Like this were an addictive behaviour. Or what is this man giving her that you are not giving?

I don't think she is mentally ill, or else you would have noticed it a long ago. I think you need a very open and honest conversation with her, possibly in the presence of a mediator, to get to know what is really happening. Why is she doing what she is doing over and over again?

You seem to have all grounds for a divorce, but I wouldn't, if I were in your shoes, until I had tried to gain some insight into what is happening under the surface.

 
Old 05-02-2011, 11:31 AM   #10
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Maybe she is doing it because she WANTS you to divorce her.

 
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:00 PM   #11
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

I agree with trystme. Someone who keeps cheating over and over again clearly doesn't want stay married. I can't think of any other possible reason for the repeated cheating. This marriage seems to be far beyond repair and not even worth anything anymore. If I were you, I'd get the best lawyer I could afford and get custody of the kids. What else is there left to do?

 
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:04 PM   #12
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Unhappy Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Quote:
Originally Posted by ninamarc View Post
This sounds kind of strange. I admit she should not have acted like that and even her son picked up some guy's name like that...
However it sounds like you are the "boss" here. I know you said you got everything, but do you expect a good wife who follows your orders in the old-fashioned way? You told her family you would divorce her - have you told her again and again? Did she tell you why or anything? I know she is acting very wayward as a wife, but how is your life with her? Do you order her around? Does she have things to do or is she bored? I don't know your background, but sounds like you got "spies" to spy her around. I mean your friends are the one that found out about her??? Did you ask them to follow her or check on her?
If this marriage is not based on mutual respect, it is not going to work anyway. You sound like it is unfortuante if it is not arranged. I think something is not right here. If you feel a wife needs to do what you want to do, then maybe she is just rebelling.

Nina

Thanks for your response Nina

I never boss around nor order stuff. I would do what a regular husbands do sometimes I cook, look after the kids, do shopping etc. We were happier than a regular couple (she admits that as well). I have given all the freedom. She wanted to work, I found her a job. I never suspected nor did spy on her. The third time I was informed by one of her best friends. I never believe anyone till I found out the truth my self. Even at her workplace what they said to me was how could she do such a thing to you and your son. Maybe everyone likes me or pity me.

I have never told that I would divorce her at the first time. But I made her promise me that she'll never do such a thing again. She sometime say what a bad person her boyfriend is and what nightmare he has done for our life. Meanwhile she was enjoying the relationship with him behind my back.

It was the second time when I found her cheating that I request a divorce. Her family was against her when she started me. Her parents insisted me to stop her going to work and when this happened they told me the same thing that if she has not been to work this would have not happened. Maybe they new that she is a loose cannon.

At one stage I was suicidal, I was suffering with bad memory and couldn't sleep and according to my therapist I was under depression while she was all normal. Which made me think whether she's having some kind of a mental disorder. When I took her to my therapist what he said was that she needed more treatment than me.

I admit that I couldn't love her as much I used to but it all changed after she got pregnant. I was willing to forget all those (even when I get the "flashbacks"). But 1 month after giving birth to my daughter she managed to find another lover. How could she

When we had the conversation last night regarding the 3rd incident, I've found that she has left the kids with her friend and gone out with him 4 times. Would a mother who love her kids do such a thing? The guy she's having this affair has a wife and child. She's willing to get divorce but requested at least to stay together till I immigrate so we will not be shamed.

To date non of my family members nor my friends knows about these. Which put me in a place where I don't have anyone to talk with (except you guys). I'm very sorry for writing so much but I can't help it.

 
Old 05-02-2011, 12:15 PM   #13
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
I agree with Nina: all of this sounds very strange, very confusing. You say you give her everything, including love and wealth; she cheats on you, but only recognizes it was a mistake when she is found out. And then she goes on cheating again. Like this were an addictive behaviour. Or what is this man giving her that you are not giving?

I don't think she is mentally ill, or else you would have noticed it a long ago. I think you need a very open and honest conversation with her, possibly in the presence of a mediator, to get to know what is really happening. Why is she doing what she is doing over and over again?

You seem to have all grounds for a divorce, but I wouldn't, if I were in your shoes, until I had tried to gain some insight into what is happening under the surface.
The questions I asked from her when I found out she was cheating at the first time.
What did I do to you to do such thing? Nothing
What he has that I don't have? Nothing
Am I a bad husband? No
So why the hell did you do such a thing? I don't know it was a mistake.

A mistake she kept on doing. I was confused (still somewhat confused) as you are now.

 
Old 05-02-2011, 12:15 PM   #14
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Re: Wife cheated on me several times

Okay, that was enough. Yes, now I can see that your marriage is probably beyond repair. I don't think she is seeing things very clearly now as if she were doped up on drugs or something. I am sorry for you, but I am sure you will be able to build your life up again.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-02-2011 at 12:28 PM.

 
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:30 PM   #15
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Unhappy Re: Wife cheated on me several times

I don't know where to start, what to do. My mind is all over the place, I just cant think straight. Wife and her parents are willing to raise the kids. But I highly doubt it. I don't want my kids to end up like her. But Sometimes I get the feeling whether the kids are mine which makes me cry every time I think of it.

I just don't know what to do

 
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