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Old 05-04-2011, 06:45 PM   #1
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Jane7176 HB User
Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Hello -

This is my first post. I joined this forum today because I realize I need someone to talk to. I have never been to a psychiatrist and don't have anyone I can talk to. I am in a position where I feel I am losing someone who has played a major part in my life the past 8 years. My problem is the relationship with him caused me to isolate myself from my family and friends to the point where now all I have left is him (or so it seems to me). And now even he is pulling away, and I find myself feeling very empty on a daily basis. Feeling like I gave everything to him and I'm growing old in the process (30's, met him in my 20's before I finished college) and don't recognize myself any more since I've changed so significantly over the past 8 years of our relationship.

I would like to describe my situation in more detail, just to get it off my chest, but I'm not sure if anyone is reading this. If someone is willing to listen, could you please reply and I will tell you my situation in the hope you might lend an ear and ease some of my feeling of loneliness and isolation that I'm experiencing.

P.S. : I'd also like to add that I'm extra isolated due to the fact that not only was I in an intimate relationship with this person, we also worked together as freelancers on a project. The project ended last year, and our relationship seemed to get more and more distant since then. I'm now at the point where not only have I lost him, I've lost a project and cause that I was passionate about since we no longer work together. Since I don't work outside the home, I feel extra isolated with not much to take my mind off the situation and no one to diffuse my pent up energy.

My dissatisfaction with my life is affecting my physical health I think. I spend my entire day alone trying to drum up a new project as a freelancer. A lot of the time I fluctuate between being vaguely resentful at him for abandoning our relationship after an intense 8 years, and feeling heartbroken and wishing we could make things work the way it used to be. I almost feel like besides the work I do planning my next project, I spend a lot of the day waiting for him to call (sad but true) and then I end up getting disappointed when he does call and only has a few minutes to spare and sounds distant to me, and unemotional. He says I love you every night before we hang up to go to bed (he lives 200 miles away) but there's no feeling in the words he says. Not sure if there ever really was.

Anyway, lots to tell....and my heart's open to learning how to heal from this if anyone cares to listen. All I know is, it's time to do something. He's keeping me in limbo, and seems fine with that, since he's very busy with his career now. I suppose I'm keeping myself in limbo too, by clinging to the hope I have inside and not caring enough about myself, and maybe caring too much about him when he really might not even need that from me at this point. I'm ready to heal and take responsibility for my future. I'd be honored to have anyone's moral support or advice on how to feel happy and satisfied again when I've lost all the relationships that meant anything to me.
Sorry if this is more about relationships than depression, but they are related in my case.

Thank you, and blessings to you.

 
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Old 05-04-2011, 08:43 PM   #2
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Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Hey there i read your post and i can totally relate to you being depressesd by being all alone. I want you to know that you found a WONDERFUL board to post on because everyone on here is SOOOO caring. PLEASE write me back it doesn't matter how long it is i WILL read it and i WILL answer you back and i will tell you my story too. Just remember you are NEVER alone you always have us. I hope to hear from you soon. Until next time TAKE CARE!!!!!!

 
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Jane7176 (05-28-2011)
Old 05-28-2011, 08:29 PM   #3
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Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Thank you very much for replying. I hope you're doing well and I just want to thank you so much for your understanding. It really helped to ease a bit of the loneliness to know that there was someone who understands and can relate and I was touched by what you wrote. I think you are right this website does seem to have much to offer and I feel relieved somewhat to have found it.

I'm still experiencing a strong feeling of isolation and loss with regard to my relationship and the feelings are escalating today because he's not here, and he will be going overseas Monday for a month. He goes overseas about once or twice a year for a month at a time and every time he says that the next time I'll go with him. But it never happens, and I always remain here pining for him to show that he cares, and waiting for him like an anxious child. When the pain is too great, I try to convince myself that I don't care and that I would be better off without him, but then he calls and I fall into the same trap and cycle again. I'm starting to feel weary of my broken heart and the tears I shed on a regular basis. I'm not as vibrant and physically healthy as I used to be and maybe that's why I'm starting to question things more and becoming more aware of time and wasting time. I long to discuss it with him as he doesn't seem to have the time to talk about it and is impatient to change the subject if I do try to mention it. He makes all sorts of promises but they never happen. The promises used to tide me over for a while. I'd believe him and feel satisfied and happy enough to go on. But now after 8 years of false promises I'm getting kind of close to maybe trying to end the relationship. We have been through life changing experiences together, and it's going to be hard but I know I'll have to be the one to end it because he never will. I just wish I knew his true feelings. It is kind of pathetic that after all this time I don't really know how he really feels about me. It's going to be a tough road and I may seek counseling but it does help to get some of these words out of my mind and off my chest.
Thank you for listening.

 
Old 05-29-2011, 10:42 AM   #4
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Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Just curious ......how come you two live so far apart? 200 miles thats long. Is it a long distance relationship?

 
Old 05-29-2011, 01:00 PM   #5
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Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Need to talk i am here ANYTIME!!! Thanks

 
Old 05-29-2011, 01:00 PM   #6
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Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

When we met I was on a break from university. I had one year left to complete. But we became serious straight away and moved in together and started working together as well on a film project. After about 3 years I wanted to go back to finish my last year of college, so I moved back to my hometown and finished the year, and we saw each other on weekends or a few times a month with me usually travelling to see him and I continued to work on our documentary film project while I was in school. When I finished college, I went back to his town to be with him, but his job started to demand more travel and at first I used to switch between staying at our place and then staying with my parents because he had a thing about me staying in the apartment alone. But I started to feel like the relationship was unhealthy and him expecting me not to stay in the apartment alone struck me as a jealous streak, as I have never been unfaithful, so I started spending more and more time away even when he was not travelling. I have some resentment I guess about all the times I travelled to see him, a hundred probably and I just got tired of keeping up with this crazy schedule and him feeling strange about sharing a home together. I tried and we got close to making it work, but it never did. The past two years I have had to move back in with my parents in my hometown and I'm trying to rebuild my career because he kind of ran off with the "prize" of all our hard work so to speak on the film which was completed and released. At this point he is the one with the notoriety, the awards, money etc after the film was released and I'm pretty much just left with a strained relationship and trying to let go of the last few strings holding us together for my own sanity. Now I'm back at square one, and frustrated living with my parents at my age (30's.) He never discusses any personal things like our living arrangement, etc any more and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. And still he pretends like nothing is wrong. He'll call every day, saying I love you. He visits my parents and me a couple times a year at most for holidays. And he travels all the time for work and to see family overseas. It's driving me crazy this part time love situation. We haven't been physical with each other in over 2 years. Maybe his age is slowing down his libido or something because he's 12 years older than me, and it's fine with me, but he never even mentioned the sudden stop, as if nothing was wrong. I did have some migraines and health issues, so I suppose that could be the unspoken reason he stopped showing interest in me. But this situation is getting ridiculous now. I need to get on my own two feet, but he keeps calling every day. I write emails for him, proposals etc and a lot of things for various projects, usually on a daily basis so it's not like I don't work or do anything, but this isn't the kind of working situation that is healthy for me. It's very tough mixing work with personal relationships and it's hard to get out of this one but I'm trying as he has a mean streak as well and I'm sensitive to stress and anger. The couple times I didn't answer his calls, he showed up at my doorstep so it's not as easy as just not answering the calls.

 
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Old 05-30-2011, 04:32 AM   #7
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Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Hi there, I just joined a couple of days ago myself and was thinking of posting my relationship issue on here and just came across yours..
I'm going through a similar thing. Everything was great the first year with my boyfriend of 3 years and recently I have been feeling rather neglected and unappreciated for a while now. We don't live together due to my family circumstances so when we are at his place it is really special and I know he does love me...He just never ever expresses his emotions or gives me any sort of certainty or clarity about our relationship... Whereas I'm the exact opposite. I do everything I can possibly do for him and I'm the one that's waiting for him to contact me and I have developed this obsessive compulsive disorder with the whole relationship. I feel anxious when he doesnt contact me or doesnt express his love towards me and i feel as if Im the only one frantically trying for this relationship to work. Since we only get to see each other about 3 times a week a lot of tension build up between these times and we often have silly arguments and he said that these arguments make him wonder whether we will be together eternally... We often talk about marriage and our future but I think he is still having doubts about me....I so want the whole marriage and kids and everything but I dont think he thinks im the right one for him....I feel like I love him so much whereas he could live happily without me.. I wanted to break off the relationship many times but I can't bear the thought of living a life without him and I'm a coward... Ive had two bfs before him but he really is my true love and soulmate and am prepared to do everything it takes. I just had a long chat with my boyfriend immediately prior to posting this reply and found it really helpful.. I told him everything I was feeling, how I deserve some sort of certainty and clarity on behalf of him to know where I stand in this relationship, how you see this relationship going and how he regards me as a whole. He took this pretty well and answered all my questions. This is the first time we talked in so much depth and because I break down crying with these kinds of talks it had to be online... Tell your partner you have something that youd really like to talk to him about and write things down beforehand if you think you will forget. Express to him how much you really love him and all the other feelings he has made you feel... I told my guy as much as i love him to death, i just want him to be happy. If it means choosing a life without me it will have to be that way and ill accept it...(i dunno where that came from but i know if it meant his happiness i will let him go..) At least Ill walk away knowing Ive tried everything I can with this guy and if its not meant to be its not meant to be. I will regard that as fate if everything fails despite my hard efforts..Best of luck to you. Pick a day, arrange a good time and seriously share everything on your mind with him until you have absolutely nothing to say. I found that online chatting was good because we couldnt raise our voices or anything and we both allowed each other to talk without one person interrupting. He really thanked me in the end and said that was a really good chat and a lot of good came out of it. I dunno what he means by that and i have no idea what will happen to us but now i feel a bit better. One minute I think I can go on without him and the next minute tears start to fill my eyes when i think of his face. Relationships truly are so difficult and i admire you for having been in one for such a long time. I hope you work things out with him...Do keep us updated....:-)

 
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Old 05-30-2011, 04:58 AM   #8
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chikepeter HB User
Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Hello jane,
l read your story,my dear it's terrible losing someone really close to u.So what actually do u want us to do? listen,advice or what to do get him back?.
Note:We are here to asiste u.

 
Old 05-30-2011, 01:50 PM   #9
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Re: Depression and isolation upon losing the love of a partner

Jane- I read your post and it touched my heart. I could feel your pain even thow I do not know where you are. If you think you are growning old, in your 30's; that is young. Try being 41 and all of the sudden finding yourself totally alone. It's an awful feeling. I can relate because I did the same thing for my wife. I loved and adored her and a year ago, she left me for another and filed divorce. I had slowly over time, just like you; gave up my friends and family and had completely centered my life around her and her family. Now I too am left in isolation. But not giving up. I have good days and bad days. As long as I'm kept really busy at work or doing something, I am not great, but O.K. It's during the evening and weekends when the "monsters of depression and so forth" come out and nash at me. Loneliness can be so awful. I too have lost who I was and am searching for my loves and interests and trying to figure out how I can gain everything that was taken from me, a wife, family, home, and everything I held dear to me. I actual felt your sorrow enough through reading your thread that I shed a few tears. Yes, I'm a man but a man with a heart who can relate to you. From reading your post, I do believe it is time to let him go and totally let him go. I feel from my intuition that he is stringing you along and wants out but cares enough about your feelings that he doesn't know how to do it. I don't think a long distance relationship will last for long, too much temptation in this world. That is sad, but true. With all of the people on this site, wouldn't it be wonderful if we all could be together, hugging and supporting each other in person. Then we wouldn't be so alone. It has been 10 months since she left me for another and to top it off, both of them are living in a house that I built with a child that is mine. I don't have much respect for people who have low enough morals to break up a marriage and a family and even less respect for women who do not have enough integrity to accept responsibility for the vows they spoke. I guess I am old fashioned but commitments are made to not be broken unless there is special circumstances like abuse, mental illness, alcoholism or so on. I do not know what you do for a living, you spoke of free lancing and projects and I assume you work out of your home. Perhaps you should find other employment so you are not working out of home, that makes for less isolation. With me even thow my wife broke her vows, divorced me and moved another in; I still loved her. But I broke all communication off with her. I try not to even think about her and when I do. I simply get up, do something or go somewhere to try and take my mind off her and my problems. The only communication I keep with her is email and I only email when it concerns my 5 year old son. He is my world and I worry every day about another being around him. And it's not fair for a father not to be around their child every day. Anyway, I am sending you a hug wherever you may be. You can send me a message any time and we can exchange stories and vent to each other. Hugs.

 
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