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Old 05-05-2011, 09:03 AM   #1
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How much control should I have?

I'm a single mother of a son, who is 23 going on 18. He hasn't worked in four years, is only qualified for minimum wage jobs, and can't even find one of those. He got rid of his troublesome car a year ago. Last month he began talking to a girl at church. I say "girl"...she is also 23 but makes HIM seem mature...she looks and acts about 14. Anyway, he's upset that I need to watch our cell phone minutes and object to driving him back and forth on weekends to her parents home a 15-20 minute drive away when the price of gas is so high. Nothing has "happened" yet, but I worry about them being intimate if her parents weren't home. They'd probably have no clue about preventing a baby. His father is deceased. When I ask questions or make comments he either basically tells me to stay out of it or to trust him. It's more HER I don't trust...he's much better looking than her and she practically throws herself at him. I say he's living under my roof and I'm supporting him so it's up to me how much he sees her. Comments?

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:15 AM   #2
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Re: How much control should I have?

stop supporting him!
stop paying for his cell phone.
let him get his own phone and pay for it with his own money!
he's an adult!
why would he not know how to prevent a pregnancy? have you ever talked to him about birth control? has he had a class at school about it?

 
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Old 05-05-2011, 09:23 AM   #3
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Re: How much control should I have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
stop supporting him!
stop paying for his cell phone.
let him get his own phone and pay for it with his own money!
he's an adult!
why would he not know how to prevent a pregnancy? have you ever talked to him about birth control? has he had a class at school about it?
We're on a family plan so the additional line is only an extra $10.00 a month...I'm just concerned about him exceeding the alloted minutes.

I'm sure they talked about birth control in health class when he was 12, but at that age he had the mentality of an 8 year old and I'm sure it went right over his head. He has NO experience with girls so is literally like a teenager. He would be so embarrassed if I tried to explain how to put on a condom. I'd rather just not even bring him to her house so it doesn't have to come to this. So back to my question: Would it be unreasonable to simply tell him I'm not taking him over there?

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:28 AM   #4
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Re: How much control should I have?

Yes, it is totally OK to tell him NO. But, I do think that you should talk to him about birth control even if it is uncomfortable and embarrasing for the both of you.

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:31 AM   #5
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Re: How much control should I have?

I might add that when I did voice my concerns he got upset because he has no real friends and asked what's wrong with having a friend. I KNOW this girl wants more than being friends!

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:31 AM   #6
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Re: How much control should I have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There View Post
He would be so embarrassed if I tried to explain how to put on a condom. I'd rather just not even bring him to her house so it doesn't have to come to this. So back to my question: Would it be unreasonable to simply tell him I'm not taking him over there?

so you'd rather take the chance on an unplanned pregnancy instead of embarassing him? Just because you don't bring him to her house doesn't prevent anything from ever happening.....how long can you shelter him? Does that mean he will never meet another female just because you won't drive him to her house? I think it would be better to equip him with the tools to make good decisions, and by tools, I mean knowledge....
I think it's unreasonable that you continue to support him and treat him like a teenager when he's adult. You're not allowing him to grow up.

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:35 AM   #7
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Re: How much control should I have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There View Post
I might add that when I did voice my concerns he got upset because he has no real friends and asked what's wrong with having a friend. I KNOW this girl wants more than being friends!

your opinion of this girl seems to be slanted.....of course I guess it's natural if you have to pick a side, to side with your son......but what exactly do you KNOW this girl wants from your son? pardon my saying so, but he doesn't exactly seem like a great catch......he's lives with his mom, doesn't work, and is dependent on his mom to give him money, pay his cell phone, and has no independence. What exactly is it that you think she wants to dig her claws into? Certainly if she was "plotting" pregnancy, she would do it with someone who is employed and can afford to give her a future and support the baby?

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:39 AM   #8
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Re: How much control should I have?

My opinion is if he's going to ACT like a teenager, I'm going to TREAT him like a teenager. I had to follow my parent's rules until I moved out at 21 even though I was working full time and paying them rent.

He might not be a great catch money wise, but he's very handsome. She also has no job, but she's very unattractive and even more immature than he is.

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:42 AM   #9
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Re: How much control should I have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There View Post
My opinion is if he's going to ACT like a teenager, I'm going to TREAT him like a teenager. I had to follow my parent's rules until I moved out at 21 even though I was working full time and paying them rent.

He might not be a great catch money wise, but he's very handsome. She also has no job, but she's very unattractive and even more immature than he is.
why not encourage him to act like an adult?
wouldn't that be better?
and a handsome guy without any money, job or independence is not really that attractive......

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:44 AM   #10
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Re: How much control should I have?

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why not encourage him to act like an adult?
wouldn't that be better?
and a handsome guy without any money, job or independence is not really that attractive......
I do. A few years ago he actually told me he doesn't want to grow up.

He's never given me any problems so I don't want to seem like I'm being mean, but I feel put out driving him back and forth and then worrying hoping the girl's father is going to be home.

 
Old 05-05-2011, 09:55 AM   #11
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Re: How much control should I have?

does he have a drivers license?
if not encourage him to get it.....
then let him work and save money to buy his own car
like other young adults do.....
you're not doing him any favors by continuing to treat him like a child......
one of the jobs of a parent is to help make their child self-sufficient so they can take care of themself.... to help them be independent not dependent.
can you honestly say that you're doing that?

 
Old 05-05-2011, 10:07 AM   #12
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Re: How much control should I have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
does he have a drivers license?
if not encourage him to get it.....
then let him work and save money to buy his own car
like other young adults do.....
you're not doing him any favors by continuing to treat him like a child......
one of the jobs of a parent is to help make their child self-sufficient so they can take care of themself.... to help them be independent not dependent.
can you honestly say that you're doing that?
Yes, he has a license and did have a car for 5 years, but we got rid of it last year because it wouldn't start half the time. He can't save for one without a job and I have to continually push him to apply (no self-motivation). Then when he gets the rare interview for a minimum wage job, he doesn't get hired anyway.

 
Old 05-05-2011, 10:12 AM   #13
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Re: How much control should I have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There View Post
Yes, he has a license and did have a car for 5 years, but we got rid of it last year because it wouldn't start half the time. He can't save for one without a job and I have to continually push him to apply (no self-motivation). Then when he gets the rare interview for a minimum wage job, he doesn't get hired anyway.
sounds like you've got an answer for everything.....
I guess you're just going to have to continue to support him because he will never leave the next unless he is forced to, and you're not going to force him to. You must like something about this situation (him being dependent on you, and you having control over him )since you're allowing and encouraging it to continue!

 
Old 05-05-2011, 10:14 AM   #14
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Re: How much control should I have?

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sounds like you've got an answer for everything.....
I'm answering your inquiries honestly explaining the circumstances.

 
Old 05-05-2011, 10:18 AM   #15
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Re: How much control should I have?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There View Post
I'm answering your inquiries honestly explaining the circumstances.

I'm trying to help you, i know you're probably thinking I'm being mean.....
I think what I meant is that you've got excuses for everything.....
probably just like he would......
if you're not willing to set a fire under him, nothing is going to change.....
are you still going to want to control him when he's 30? 40?
if he doesn't know how to prevent pregnancy now, how will he in 10 years if no ones told him?
it doesn't seem that you're encouraging him to be independent.....if you are, please explain how because I'm not seeing it.....

 
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