I'm a single mother of a son, who is 23 going on 18. He hasn't worked in four years, is only qualified for minimum wage jobs, and can't even find one of those. He got rid of his troublesome car a year ago. Last month he began talking to a girl at church. I say "girl"...she is also 23 but makes HIM seem mature...she looks and acts about 14. Anyway, he's upset that I need to watch our cell phone minutes and object to driving him back and forth on weekends to her parents home a 15-20 minute drive away when the price of gas is so high. Nothing has "happened" yet, but I worry about them being intimate if her parents weren't home. They'd probably have no clue about preventing a baby. His father is deceased. When I ask questions or make comments he either basically tells me to stay out of it or to trust him. It's more HER I don't trust...he's much better looking than her and she practically throws herself at him. I say he's living under my roof and I'm supporting him so it's up to me how much he sees her. Comments?
stop supporting him!
stop paying for his cell phone.
let him get his own phone and pay for it with his own money!
he's an adult!
why would he not know how to prevent a pregnancy? have you ever talked to him about birth control? has he had a class at school about it?
stop supporting him!
stop paying for his cell phone.
let him get his own phone and pay for it with his own money!
he's an adult!
why would he not know how to prevent a pregnancy? have you ever talked to him about birth control? has he had a class at school about it?
We're on a family plan so the additional line is only an extra $10.00 a month...I'm just concerned about him exceeding the alloted minutes.
I'm sure they talked about birth control in health class when he was 12, but at that age he had the mentality of an 8 year old and I'm sure it went right over his head. He has NO experience with girls so is literally like a teenager. He would be so embarrassed if I tried to explain how to put on a condom. I'd rather just not even bring him to her house so it doesn't have to come to this. So back to my question: Would it be unreasonable to simply tell him I'm not taking him over there?
Yes, it is totally OK to tell him NO. But, I do think that you should talk to him about birth control even if it is uncomfortable and embarrasing for the both of you.
I might add that when I did voice my concerns he got upset because he has no real friends and asked what's wrong with having a friend. I KNOW this girl wants more than being friends!
He would be so embarrassed if I tried to explain how to put on a condom. I'd rather just not even bring him to her house so it doesn't have to come to this. So back to my question: Would it be unreasonable to simply tell him I'm not taking him over there?
so you'd rather take the chance on an unplanned pregnancy instead of embarassing him? Just because you don't bring him to her house doesn't prevent anything from ever happening.....how long can you shelter him? Does that mean he will never meet another female just because you won't drive him to her house? I think it would be better to equip him with the tools to make good decisions, and by tools, I mean knowledge....
I think it's unreasonable that you continue to support him and treat him like a teenager when he's adult. You're not allowing him to grow up.
I might add that when I did voice my concerns he got upset because he has no real friends and asked what's wrong with having a friend. I KNOW this girl wants more than being friends!
your opinion of this girl seems to be slanted.....of course I guess it's natural if you have to pick a side, to side with your son......but what exactly do you KNOW this girl wants from your son? pardon my saying so, but he doesn't exactly seem like a great catch......he's lives with his mom, doesn't work, and is dependent on his mom to give him money, pay his cell phone, and has no independence. What exactly is it that you think she wants to dig her claws into? Certainly if she was "plotting" pregnancy, she would do it with someone who is employed and can afford to give her a future and support the baby?
My opinion is if he's going to ACT like a teenager, I'm going to TREAT him like a teenager. I had to follow my parent's rules until I moved out at 21 even though I was working full time and paying them rent.
He might not be a great catch money wise, but he's very handsome. She also has no job, but she's very unattractive and even more immature than he is.
My opinion is if he's going to ACT like a teenager, I'm going to TREAT him like a teenager. I had to follow my parent's rules until I moved out at 21 even though I was working full time and paying them rent.
He might not be a great catch money wise, but he's very handsome. She also has no job, but she's very unattractive and even more immature than he is.
why not encourage him to act like an adult?
wouldn't that be better?
and a handsome guy without any money, job or independence is not really that attractive......
why not encourage him to act like an adult?
wouldn't that be better?
and a handsome guy without any money, job or independence is not really that attractive......
I do. A few years ago he actually told me he doesn't want to grow up.
He's never given me any problems so I don't want to seem like I'm being mean, but I feel put out driving him back and forth and then worrying hoping the girl's father is going to be home.
does he have a drivers license?
if not encourage him to get it.....
then let him work and save money to buy his own car
like other young adults do.....
you're not doing him any favors by continuing to treat him like a child......
one of the jobs of a parent is to help make their child self-sufficient so they can take care of themself.... to help them be independent not dependent.
can you honestly say that you're doing that?
does he have a drivers license?
if not encourage him to get it.....
then let him work and save money to buy his own car
like other young adults do.....
you're not doing him any favors by continuing to treat him like a child......
one of the jobs of a parent is to help make their child self-sufficient so they can take care of themself.... to help them be independent not dependent.
can you honestly say that you're doing that?
Yes, he has a license and did have a car for 5 years, but we got rid of it last year because it wouldn't start half the time. He can't save for one without a job and I have to continually push him to apply (no self-motivation). Then when he gets the rare interview for a minimum wage job, he doesn't get hired anyway.
Yes, he has a license and did have a car for 5 years, but we got rid of it last year because it wouldn't start half the time. He can't save for one without a job and I have to continually push him to apply (no self-motivation). Then when he gets the rare interview for a minimum wage job, he doesn't get hired anyway.
sounds like you've got an answer for everything.....
I guess you're just going to have to continue to support him because he will never leave the next unless he is forced to, and you're not going to force him to. You must like something about this situation (him being dependent on you, and you having control over him )since you're allowing and encouraging it to continue!
I'm answering your inquiries honestly explaining the circumstances.
I'm trying to help you, i know you're probably thinking I'm being mean.....
I think what I meant is that you've got excuses for everything.....
probably just like he would......
if you're not willing to set a fire under him, nothing is going to change.....
are you still going to want to control him when he's 30? 40?
if he doesn't know how to prevent pregnancy now, how will he in 10 years if no ones told him?
it doesn't seem that you're encouraging him to be independent.....if you are, please explain how because I'm not seeing it.....
When I see jobs in the paper (can't trust him to search on his own/he wouldn't) I tell him to be ready and I let him take the car to apply. I have a feeling he doesn't appear confident, enthusiastic or capable at the interview...and when I try to give him advice on how to present himself better, he tells me he "knows all that" and has "heard it before". For whatever reason, he's not getting hired. On the plus side, he does help around the house/yard and does whatever I tell him to.
When I see jobs in the paper (can't trust him to search on his own/he wouldn't) I tell him to be ready and I let him take the car to apply. I have a feeling he doesn't appear confident, enthusiastic or capable at the interview...and when I try to give him advice on how to present himself better, he tells me he "knows all that" and has "heard it before". For whatever reason, he's not getting hired. On the plus side, he does help around the house/yard and does whatever I tell him to.
then it's time to boot him out if he can't be trusted to search for a job on his own.....he waits for his mommy to do it for him......can you see how ridiculous that is? the fact that he helps around the house and does whatever you tell him to is the payoff that I was speaking of......THATs what you're getting out of it.....is that worth sacrificing your sons independence over? boot him out and let him grow up.....it's time for some tough love
then it's time to boot him out if he can't be trusted to search for a job on his own.....he waits for his mommy to do it for him......can you see how ridiculous that is? the fact that he helps around the house and does whatever you tell him to is the payoff that I was speaking of......THATs what you're getting out of it.....is that worth sacrificing your sons independence over? boot him out and let him grow up.....it's time for some tough love
I can't/wouldn't do that. He can't pay rent...he'd be on the streets.
My older cousin sounds like your son. He wasn't really in the mood to grow up in his early 20's. he failed out of college more than once, even though he was very smart, he just didn't like to apply himself and he had ADD that was never treated in his earlier years and couldn't hold down a job. Finally, his parents were fed up with him and kicked him out. He spent his mid 20's floating from job to job, using drugs, and gambling. He ended up in a halfway house at some point too. Eventually, around 28/29 he realized he was throwing his life away and grew up. He took EMT classes and got a job. He realized the medical field was something he enjoyed, so he did well in his training and his job. His parents let him move back home so he could save money. He took more training classes and landed a job at a hospital as a surgical tech and met a great girl. He has learned how to save money, balance his finances and after a few years at home, he saved up enough to purchase a condo with his girlfriend. His parents acknowledge kicking him out was hard, and at times felt heartless but everyone know realizes that if they hadn't done it, their son would have never grown up. I'm not saying you have to go such extremes with your son, but he is an adult and needs to be treated as such, and if he can't handle growing up and becoming a productive member of society and your household by getting a job, saving money, etc, then he needs to be asked to leave.
I can't/wouldn't do that. He can't pay rent...he'd be on the streets.
do they not have shelters where you live?
he wouldn't be on the street.....he can go to a shelter
you'd be helping him......you're not helping him now
you're just teaching him to be more dependent
you're teaching him that he doesn't have to do anything, that you will hand him whatever he wants, that you will feed him and put a roof over his head and he has to do absolutely nothing for that privledge......
you're teaching him to just hold his hand out and expect........
