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Old 05-11-2011, 05:58 PM   #1
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Loneliness Is Killing Me

Okay, some of you know my story. I'm kind of tired posting threads on this place about my life when I read other peoples threads and it sounds as though they are going through a much rougher time than I am. But a little background for those who may not know, I may not cover everything but I'll try, I find that simply writing about this stuff helps a little when I know that there are people out there with some perpsective on things.

I dated my ex for 3 years before we got engaged, we were engaged for 2 months before sheb left me and she started dating another guy 2 weeks after the break-up. 3 months into the break-up, even after her filing a restraining order against me that she filled with lies, she came back and begged me to take her back, which I eventually did after a few weeks. We were back together and engaged once again for just over a year when the relationship started to fade and I decided to end it.

We have been apart for almost 3 months now and have had zero contact. She already has a new boyfriend, just don't understand how she can jump into new relationships like that, it makes me feel as though I meant nothing to her. I just don't get it. She's been dating this new guy for about a month now and life is better than it's been in five years and all her FB posts have little hearts in them, yeah yeah I know stop creeping on FB, easier said than done.
The thing is that even though I feel that it's her that I miss, that's not really the case. It's the thought of her, the companioship, knowing someone other than family loves me is what I miss the most. Waking up to someone laying beside me. I miss it so much and no matter how hard I try to keep myself busy, what I do to distract myself from her, EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I have even gone as far as moving and selling everything that we had and it's still not enough. Even when I go to the store I miss her walking next to me, being able to ask her opinions on things, her voice, her smile. I've thought about therapy but I did that the last time we broke up and it didn't make a difference.
How do you move on? How do you forget when everything is a reminder?

 
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:08 PM   #2
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

I really feel your pain right now. My 7 year relationship just ended almost 2 weeks ago. I am stuck in the apartment we shared and EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Worse, I am leaving to go back to my hometown (which I need) and MANY things remind me of him there : (

Just know that you are not alone. Never feel silly posting here. It makes me feel sooo much better to just vent here. We all understand.

What I would do to try to forget her is to think about all the times she hurt you. I would def concentrate on the whole restraining order thing and her going off being with other men so soon. I am sorry, but people who care about others, just do not do that. Who gets a restraining order on someone (well, unless there was a reason...)? Who moves on so fast? I would feel the same way; I would feel like I meant nothing. That being said, why do you want someone who would make you feel that way? My ex climbed into bed with a stranger he met at a bar two days after our relationship ended. I had no idea he was such a pig. Why would I want someone like that in my life?

Keep your chin up and try to focus on YOU.

 
Old 05-11-2011, 07:23 PM   #3
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

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Originally Posted by tattooedgirly View Post
I really feel your pain right now. My 7 year relationship just ended almost 2 weeks ago. I am stuck in the apartment we shared and EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Worse, I am leaving to go back to my hometown (which I need) and MANY things remind me of him there : (

Just know that you are not alone. Never feel silly posting here. It makes me feel sooo much better to just vent here. We all understand.

What I would do to try to forget her is to think about all the times she hurt you. I would def concentrate on the whole restraining order thing and her going off being with other men so soon. I am sorry, but people who care about others, just do not do that. Who gets a restraining order on someone (well, unless there was a reason...)? Who moves on so fast? I would feel the same way; I would feel like I meant nothing. That being said, why do you want someone who would make you feel that way? My ex climbed into bed with a stranger he met at a bar two days after our relationship ended. I had no idea he was such a pig. Why would I want someone like that in my life?

Keep your chin up and try to focus on YOU.


There was no reason for the restraining order. I swear on my grandother and best friends graves on that one. She made up accusations that I was stalking her, that I threatened to break her ribs, that I beat my dog, she tried to have my dog taken from me and I had to spend $100 to have the vets examine my dog for abuse. When we got back together she said she filed the restraining order so I couldn't make a scene in public, not that I ever had or would anyway.

I read your post after I posted mine, yes we are going through a very simular situation and I feel what your are going through. My ex and I also shared an apartment and I had to get rid of everything we had, but I have my dog, which she bought me and she has her dog that I bought her. We currently live 5 minutes from eachother, every time I go into the city I have to drive by her house. I thought it would be easier being back home but I'm reminded of her more often now then ever. Every time I walk into a store that we would frequent, the resturaunt's we liked, all my friends bring her up ALL THE TIME because she started to become good friends with them as well, mainly because she didn't/doesn't have any friends.

 
Old 05-11-2011, 08:35 PM   #4
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

Oh man. That is hard. I am so sorry. I know how painful that is. I just found a poem that my ex most likely wrote his "crush". Crush my butt. Is there a way that you can tell your friends to not speak of her out of respect for you? I think that is mean they would do that? Is there a way you can bypass anywhere you two went? I know that may be hard, but you need time to distance yourself from anything "her".

Seriously though, focus on the messed up stuff she did and the hurt she caused. It makes it easier, believe me...

 
Old 05-11-2011, 08:43 PM   #5
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

Sounds like my son's ex...loving and wonderful for seven years then BANG! Out the door, new man in four weeks, nastiness, refusing to let him see the 3 kids, the whole nightmare. Told him and everyone else that the marriage had been a sham from early on. Mind you, it was his fault- he got sick with a neurological thing that has more or less disabled him. She is a narcissist, and I see a bit of that in your ex. My son has been single for 3 years, and I would say that it is only now that he really is over her. It will hurt and you probably will never get real closure, because you will never know why she went off you. It is just what they do. Have NO contact with her, clearly she can drag you in again and she will do that one day between more promising men. You are really better off without her, but it will be painful. No matter how it ended it carries the same emotional weight as a death, and you will grieve just the same. You will go through all the stages of grief and it will pop up and ambush you from time to time even when you are more "over it". Don't push yourself, time will make it easier, and I can guarantee that one day you will look around there will be someone or something much more important on your horizon. Cheers, Sera

 
Old 05-11-2011, 08:49 PM   #6
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

I think theres only 2 ways you can get over her. TIME or NEW LOVE. In 'Time' these feelings and memorys of her will fade and it will hurt less and may also go forever. Or if you feel strong enough and ready to move on then maybe find a new partner but take it slow. They may also be a 3rd way to get over her....therapy. It may not have worked first time round but not all therapists are good , so maybe try a different one?

 
Old 05-11-2011, 08:53 PM   #7
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
Sounds like my son's ex...loving and wonderful for seven years then BANG! Out the door, new man in four weeks, nastiness, refusing to let him see the 3 kids, the whole nightmare. Told him and everyone else that the marriage had been a sham from early on. Mind you, it was his fault- he got sick with a neurological thing that has more or less disabled him. She is a narcissist, and I see a bit of that in your ex. My son has been single for 3 years, and I would say that it is only now that he really is over her. It will hurt and you probably will never get real closure, because you will never know why she went off you. It is just what they do. Have NO contact with her, clearly she can drag you in again and she will do that one day between more promising men. You are really better off without her, but it will be painful. No matter how it ended it carries the same emotional weight as a death, and you will grieve just the same. You will go through all the stages of grief and it will pop up and ambush you from time to time even when you are more "over it". Don't push yourself, time will make it easier, and I can guarantee that one day you will look around there will be someone or something much more important on your horizon. Cheers, Sera
Your son's ex sounds horrible !!! poor guy

I do agree with you also........

Its all about time, because after weeks, months, and years you will get used to her not been there or her not been with you and in time the feelings and memorys and hurt will fade. Its how it goes. Just don't rush it and take your time to properly grieve so then you get it all out and then you become strong and fresh for a new and BETTER relationship.

Last edited by cryingforever; 05-11-2011 at 08:53 PM.

 
Old 05-12-2011, 06:57 AM   #8
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

Yes, I agree with what the others are saying: Time is on your side.

Focus on the negative side of your ex, but at the same "forgive" her and let her go.

Resentment will not help you move forward. That is the way she is, and it can't be helped.

Yes, focus on yourself instead.

Chart a plan, put it in practice, and follow it through. It could be shaping up your body in the gym, picking up a difficult foreign language, or learning a new skill (cooking?) - it must be a challenge for you, anyway.

While you are concentrated on your new project, loneliness will feel less bitter.

 
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:38 AM   #9
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Focus on the negative side of your ex, but at the same "forgive" her and let her go.

Resentment will not help you move forward. That is the way she is, and it can't be helped.

Yes, focus on yourself instead.

Chart a plan, put it in practice, and follow it through. It could be shaping up your body in the gym, picking up a difficult foreign language, or learning a new skill (cooking?) - it must be a challenge for you, anyway.

While you are concentrated on your new project, loneliness will feel less bitter.

Awesome feedback!

I would add that the worst thing anybody can do after a major heartbreak is to see solace in the form of a new relationship. Rebound relationships often do not work out -- and then there is more hurt.

Go out, meet people, have fun...........but seeking another love is definitely not a good idea -- IMHO.

 
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:20 AM   #10
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
I think theres only 2 ways you can get over her. TIME or NEW LOVE.
Realize this is easier said than done but it is truth.

And based on the OPs ex finding "new love" so quickly, it is possible that these new hookups are a way of getting over you. I have seen that firsthand, an ex moves on so quickly it makes your head spin then finding out later they were rebounds in an attempt to forget about me as quickly as possible.

Wish I had better news, but the two things cryingforever brings up are really spot on. Good luck, I know it's not easy.

Quote:
Focus on the negative side of your ex, but at the same "forgive" her and let her go.
I think this is good advice also. It may seem odd to focus on a negative, but as humans we tend to sugar coat the past and even a really bad relationship can be looked back on with all sorts of fond memories, when in reality we are selectively forgetting about what made them bad in the first place.

One thing that helped me in the past was making a list on my phone (most phones have some sort of note taking app) of all the things that I will NOT miss. Whenever I got blue or lonely I looked at it.

Last edited by DuckDodgers; 05-12-2011 at 08:22 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2011, 10:04 AM   #11
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

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Originally Posted by DuckDodgers View Post

One thing that helped me in the past was making a list on my phone (most phones have some sort of note taking app) of all the things that I will NOT miss. Whenever I got blue or lonely I looked at it.
I really like that idea, I wrote a list of all the things that I disliked about her before and kept it on the table and would read it whenever I was feeling down, but threw that list away when I moved. I never thought of putting the list into my phone.

I guess the hardest part is that she's already found someone and I haven't been able to. That's what hurts the most. I feel like I was nothing to her, like we meant nothing, nearly 5 years of my life devoted to her and her happiness and it's gone just like that. I know she's got to be thinking about me, comparing her new boyfriend to me.

Don't get me wrong, at the same time I'm really happy for her. That she was able to find someone and that she is happy, that's always what has meant the most to me. That she was happy. I'm glad that the break up didn't send her in a complete depression, I'm glad she doesn't want to get back together and deep down it's not her that I want to be with. I don't want to find someone like her.

In all honesty I hope she never wants to get back together because I don't think I'm strong enough to stay away. She was able to pull me back in once and I don't think she will have a hard time doing it again. Why do people do this to themselves? Why is it that even though I don't want to be with her that if she wants me back I won't be able to turn her away?

 
Old 05-12-2011, 10:23 AM   #12
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

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Originally Posted by robj118 View Post
I guess the hardest part is that she's already found someone and I haven't been able to. That's what hurts the most. I feel like I was nothing to her, like we meant nothing, nearly 5 years of my life devoted to her and her happiness and it's gone just like that.

That's how everyone feels when they are in a breakup and their ex moves on right away. Everyone feels that way when it happens, and it happens like, pretty much all the time. My last ex swore up and down that the reason he wanted to break up was he wanted to work on himself. Found out a few months later he got married to the girl he was cheating on me with! What an idiot!

Anyway, my point is that I think for the most part, people who move on that fast probably checked out of the relationship a long time ago before actually leaving. Like they had been planning their escape and were afraid to pull the trigger, so finally when they grew the spine to do it, it looked like they moved on fast because they found someone else right away. That's why, in your case, I don't think you should automatically assume your relationship meant nothing to her the whole time. It's more like it only started being a burden on her a little while ago, but long enough time to where it made it easier for her to leave and find someone else. Do you see what I mean?

In any case, being alone sucks really bad sometimes, I know. But after a while, it starts to be comforting to feel like you don't have to answer to anyone or ask anyone for their permission or approval to go places and do things, etc. It's lonely but it's freedom, and it's something that so many people currently trapped in horrible relationships wish they had.

 
Old 05-12-2011, 02:54 PM   #13
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

I've been enjoying my freedom and have been trying to keep as busy as possible because it's when I;m bored that I miss her the most. I miss being able to say "babe, you wanna go do something?". I really miss that because it's so boring hopping in my truck and taking a ride to the store or wherever by myself, it just makes me miss her even more.

watching a hockey game with no one to discuss it with, taking the dog for a walk with no one to talk to, walking around the store on my own with no one to ask opinions on things I like....I'm always stuck in my head......with my thoughts......and those thoughts are always "I wonder what she's doing right now?"

 
Old 05-12-2011, 06:18 PM   #14
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I find myself constantly thinking about my ex. Certain stores or restaurants trigger all sorts of memories for me and it feels like a knife in my heart all over again. And I swear everyone in my town drives the same vehical that he does!

Not sure how you feel about this but I have found that keeping a journal has helped. I'm one of those "analyze a situation to death" kind of people and hated to keep talking about him to my friends! I was getting sick of hearing me talk about it! LOL Somehow documenting my feelings and being able to look back and read my comments on my good days made me feel better.

I also made one of those "Things I Hate About My Ex" lists and it can help to get through those hard days! I put everything on the list from his laugh to the fact that he constantly broke promises. Just keep reminding yourself why you guys aren't together and focus on that when a place or item reminds you of good times with her. Eventually I think you will get to a place where you will look back fondly on the good times you had together, but feel content knowing that it wasn't meant to be.

This discussion board has also been a huge help! Knowing that other people are going through the same thing and knowing that others have gotten through it and are in better relationships gives me hope!

 
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:37 PM   #15
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Re: Loneliness Is Killing Me

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Originally Posted by ibelieve2008 View Post
I can totally relate to what you are going through. I find myself constantly thinking about my ex. Certain stores or restaurants trigger all sorts of memories for me and it feels like a knife in my heart all over again. And I swear everyone in my town drives the same vehical that he does!
I know EXACTLY what you are talking about when it comes to the vehicle thing, whenever I see a car that is the same color I have a mini panic attack, it's really hard to deal with because I'M NOT LOOKING FOR HER CAR!!!, the color catches my eye out of no where at all!!!

It's even to the point where I keep thinking that I see her in the store, anyone with the same body type and hair color as her give me a mini panic attack. I have no idea what i'm going to do if I were to see her out in public. I KNOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, we frequent the same places so often that it's only a matter of when not if.

 
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