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Old 05-22-2011, 09:26 AM   #1
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Family

I get on with my family well (didnt use to) but i still feel like there not all that interested in me. I think they find me boring maybe. Had family dinner today and no one asked me how i am , what i been upto etc...but soon as my brother and his girlfriend walks in its all chatty and full of interest. I talk about whats going on for me for a change and they just look at me and smile , no conversation no interest. I understand my brother and his girlfriend have a son so they got lots to talk about (my nephew doing cute things etc...) and thats fine but i mean in general talks. My brothers recently got a job out of luck he not worked in years and i find myself feeling depressed because i want a job and try to find one but nothing happens. Sometimes i find it pointless going to family dinners as its all about them every conversation and i am just sat listening. My family go out places together too, shopping together and i never get asked to go. They are all very close and i try to be but how when i just feel like they have no interest in me.

I have had this sort of relationship with my parents for the past few year and growing up was diffacult my mum was most of the time cold towards me , treat me like my feelings didnt matter , not much affection i cant even remember a time my mum hugged me dad just took her side but he was a little softer than mum ,kicked out at 16 for running up a phone bill living a life of hell in hostels and witnessing some horrible things and been in dangerous situations while my parents didnt care. Now we get on well , weve put the past behind us and never talk of it and thats fine too but i am left with severe confident issues i am scared to talk to people in fear of rejection , i am paranoid that i am boring to everyone, i am nice to people i know and strangers and i get paranoid thinking they think i am ugly and an idiot. I get nervous alot and dont like going out by myself. I can honestly say i have become boring and no personality and not very social but its because of anxiety and depression and my evil ex's made me feel like i am nothing aswell. I am also co dependant because of this i discovered it after reading a book on it. I am really affectionate and if i dont get it i crave it , i have trouble been by myself and been single , i have always been in relationships and because of my needyness to be loved properly i jumped into relationships then chose the wrong guy and he was so wrong for me and brought me down more, i have self respect issues i feel im not worthy anyway so i put everybody else before myself , i get paranoid that relationships or family will abandon me again or hurt me.

I am pathetic i really am. I am not hiding it anymore i have to say whats really going on.

I need to put myself first and follow my dreams and ambitions but have problems letting myself go to do them because i am severely co dependant.

This is how my mum used to be : infront of her friends or customers shes a mobile hairdresser she would speak to me nice , very nice on the phone or in person looking like shes a fantastic parents but soon as she wasnt around her friends and customers she would be cold , looked at me like she hated me , spoke down to me, if me and my brother was naughty when we was kids (he usually did worse things) then my mum would forgive him within same day or the next day , me she just hated on me for 2 weeks. Felt my mum bullied and didnt like me.

Anyway , i am kind of over it now , but i think its had a bad affect on me and the lack of interest is still bothering me.

Last edited by cryingforever; 05-22-2011 at 09:30 AM.

 
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Old 05-22-2011, 11:01 AM   #2
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Re: Family

I am sorry to hear this. All I can tell you is that you are not alone at all. I was an only child and had the same feelings about my parents and my extended family. I felt like the ugly duckling, lol. I knew I had good things inside, but I didn't know how to bring them to the outside. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much to do about one's own parents. You have to accept them the way they are. I know we usually have high expectations about our parents and we tend to forget they are simply human beings like everybody else. If you can't love them, try to respect them at least, and move away rather than quarrel with them. And when you have your own family, please do better.

I know this wasn't very helpful, but...

 
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Old 05-22-2011, 12:31 PM   #3
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Re: Family

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I am sorry to hear this. All I can tell you is that you are not alone at all. I was an only child and had the same feelings about my parents and my extended family. I felt like the ugly duckling, lol. I knew I had good things inside, but I didn't know how to bring them to the outside. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much to do about one's own parents. You have to accept them the way they are. I know we usually have high expectations about our parents and we tend to forget they are simply human beings like everybody else. If you can't love them, try to respect them at least, and move away rather than quarrel with them. And when you have your own family, please do better.

I know this wasn't very helpful, but...
Thanks for replying. It is helpful , to know that i'm not alone. I do get on with my parents and have kind of accepted it but its just affecting me now with like confidence and co dependancy. I love them with all my heart and show lots of respect and no longer argue with them or resent them but i just think its not very nice them not showing much interest in my life it is hurtful even though this has been going on for years. if i ever have a problem they just answer with simple things , no long talk like sitting down with me letting me pour my heart out , i once lost my baby and my mum laughed at me down the phone and said ''oh well guess it was for the best''...if my brother and his girlfriend just have a petty argument my mum and dad goes well out of there way to support them and sort there relationship out even before they had a baby. there is many many examples i could give you but its too draining to explain everything and it would be extremely long to read lol.

Just fed up, having a down day. thanks anyway.

Last edited by cryingforever; 05-22-2011 at 12:33 PM.

 
Old 05-22-2011, 12:46 PM   #4
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Re: Family

You are definitely not alone in this. In many years of doing my own personal work and facilitating others, I would have to say that virtually everyone who embarks on this journey does so because of parental issues. They may not all realize it at first, but soon come to find that everything that they are and do comes back to layers of emotional damage done in childhood. You are trying to fill the gaping hole in you that cries out for love and nurture, and because you have been taught that you are not worth loving, you seek out partners who prove this over and over again. It sounds to me like you almost welcome the abuse as it is "what you deserve". If you have not experienced healthy parental love and affection, you cannot give it. At this point there is only one person who can fill this gap, and that is you. To start with, this whole thing is definitely NOT behind you; everything you write cries out with hurt. Like many abused people, you are full of empathy for others. You are so supportive on this board, but do you give yourself the same support? You must get in your own corner, affirm that you are a worthy person, and recognize the hurting child that runs your life. Write more, it truly helps. Hugs, Sera.

 
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:08 PM   #5
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Re: Family

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Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
You are definitely not alone in this. In many years of doing my own personal work and facilitating others, I would have to say that virtually everyone who embarks on this journey does so because of parental issues. They may not all realize it at first, but soon come to find that everything that they are and do comes back to layers of emotional damage done in childhood. You are trying to fill the gaping hole in you that cries out for love and nurture, and because you have been taught that you are not worth loving, you seek out partners who prove this over and over again. It sounds to me like you almost welcome the abuse as it is "what you deserve". If you have not experienced healthy parental love and affection, you cannot give it. At this point there is only one person who can fill this gap, and that is you. To start with, this whole thing is definitely NOT behind you; everything you write cries out with hurt. Like many abused people, you are full of empathy for others. You are so supportive on this board, but do you give yourself the same support? You must get in your own corner, affirm that you are a worthy person, and recognize the hurting child that runs your life. Write more, it truly helps. Hugs, Sera.
What an amazing reply and EVERYTHING you say is true. I think now i am 25 i am unravelling the truth behind why i am the way i am and what i am doing and why i am always in crap relationships and dont enjoy being me and respect me. First i discovered i am co dependant so thats good finally knowing whats wrong with me and this is just another piece that was missing from the jigsaw, now with opening up on here i have filled another missing piece of the jigsaw if i am making any sense haha probably not lol i am tired today ...the piece been (childhood memorys).

I am extremely caring , too caring sometimes. I will work on myself now it has been confirmed what it is thats wrong with me. I had a feeling it was this but its hard to face and i have just tried pushing it back of my mind for years , now i am facing it and going to deal with it. have to.

 
Old 05-22-2011, 01:27 PM   #6
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Re: Family

Maybe you have made it a habit in the past of putting everything into your relationship with whatever boyfriend you had at the time and neglected your family? I've seen this before with friends who disappear when they get a boyfriend, and when they break up they suddenly want to hang out because they have no boyfriend to fill their time anymore. By any chance have you done that with your family?

I have a tendency to neglect my family too. But I am lucky. They gently chastise me for neglecting them but they ALWAYS take me back so to speak. They are loving and accepting and they tell me that all they want is for me to make a place for them in my life. Maybe you can take this opportunity now that you are single (you are still single, right? You didn't go back to the boyfriend, right?) to ask the family members to do things with you. One on one at first, so you can have a good talk with each family member separately. Maybe offer to babysit the nephew so his parents can go out? Maybe ask your brother's girlfriend to go shopping or to lunch with you? Start small, make time for them in your life and you may find that it is possible to start a new, better relationship with your family members.

 
Old 05-22-2011, 01:31 PM   #7
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Re: Family

Hi cryingforever, hopefully one day you will be smilingforever. Anyway, your post brought tears to my eyes.. I also have a mother who was not nice, critical, unloving, cold, and all those other words that describe this kind of person.

I was also kicked out of the house when I was very young for really stupid reasons (especially when my Dad was not around, he was travelling). I went to many therapists and none of them could give me an answer except to tell me that I would be better off staying away from my mother. Of course when I was really young, that was hard to do but eventually I did move out and found my own place.

Even after that, there was a time when I went to my Mom's store to visit and outside of the store I ran into my older brother and I said something to him (not mean, just some words he didn't want to hear regarding a friend of mine) and he started to choke me over and over again, my sister and uncle were there and they were pulling my older brother off of me.. I called the police and had my brother put in jail. But when my mother came out she took my brother's side!! How sick is that?

I could write a book on how my mother treated me but you get the idea. Thankfully my Dad was loving and gave me the attention I needed except that he sided with my mother many times because he didn't want to create more problems. So what kind of men did I look for? Men that were like my Dad.

So no, you are not alone.. I'm much older now but the scars will always be there. I will tell you one thing that helped me and that is I had to learn how to build my own esteem up and learn how to like myself and that is not easy to do... I had to prove to myself that I was worthy and I did that through work, by treating myself nice, trying to look nice, and whatever it took to feel good about me..

I'm not perfect, far from it and I'm aware of many of my faults but I'm also aware of my good points as well and to this day I need to remind myself of my good qualities because of my past...

I think you are very wise to see this at your age.. You are so many years ahead of most people to want to explore this.. There are people in their 60's, 70's, and older who never explore this because it's easier for them to stick their head in the sand.

Yes, it is painful and I feel your pain.. Yet I believe you will become a better person for all this as time goes on...

Hugs to you,
Sunny

 
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:42 PM   #8
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no, CadenceA, ive always seen my family once a week nothing changed in that way. they got work so i couldnt see them all the time and at weekends on friday and saturday they would go out with there friends and sunday family dinner and i would go everytime. ive started going on a tuesday now i travel to there house. i have my own place now. no i didnt get back with aaron.

Thank you sunnyrise for your reply and others too.

Sunnyrise , so sorry you went through a horrible thing like that how on earth can a mother take your brothers side when he could of killed you. Oh i know too well about emotional scars but there is one good thing though that comes with it which is that never in a million years would i EVER treat a person or a child the way my family have treated me and makes me wiser by observing there behaviour it makes me more loving but also been too loving gets me into trouble aswell like loving someone way above myself. I do have some good qualitys about myself and feel like listing a few.....i am 100% faithful, caring, can't treat someone like they are nothing , i'd be a great mother one day , i care about feelings and i am a type of person that won't go ''oh i have had it hard lets go get drunk and do some drugs and say its your fault mum''...i always want to keep strong and sane and not let anything or anyone destroy me to the point where i'd end my life or drink and do drugs.

My mum said to me last week that she was proud of me , she was telling her friend that ''most of her friends do drugs and she has been to there partys been surrounded by it and she doesnt touch any of it'' ...she was complimenting me and it felt good. I was really touched as my mums always put me down. Believe it or not we are close , we see eachother more often but like i say it still goes on that they dont seem interested in me much and what i do in my life, and i am not going to hold it against them but the way i am today is kind of there fault ....fear of humiliation, embarrassment, no confidence, anxiety, poor self image, feel not worth anything. I can just imagine my mum saying in her head ''oh well its only you no one important'' when i try talk to her about issues or if anything bad happens to me or im upset. Nowadays i dont ever goto my parents if i am upset anymore it feels pointless.

Heres a few examples : My dad once said ''dont apply for any jobs that need high skills , your not that bright so you should just be a cleaner''....

laughed down phone when miscarried and said ''well it was for the best''

another time i was pregnant my mum was HORRIBLE to me and was bitching about me to other family members and she bullied me too . i think she had jealousy issues because she could never have children she adopted me and my brother at a young age (1 and 2)

i got kicked out of a hostel at 16 years of age and my dad said ''well you and ya new boyfriend will have to keep eachother warm on the streets''...i got kicked out from the hostel because i got offered a new place from the housing place but it was in a very violent area so i turned it down and no one told me the hostel rules that if you turned a place down they dont have a duty to care for you anymore no one ever told me.

one of my ex's was very violent almost killed me and my parents knew it was going on i was like 18 at the time and they did nothing to take me away from it , the domestic violence homes was full of women at the time so i couldnt stay there either. i had no contact with friends was completely stuck.

theres toooooooooooo many i could say but it would be way too long.

another thing....my biological parents. my biological father is a well known paedophile and i have 20 + half siblings out there that was abused aswell. apparently they was suspicious i was abused but not enough evidence but he definately abused my brother. my bioloigcal mum never wanted a daughter ever so she hit me around when i was a baby and me and my brother was taken away from them. i spoke to biological mother about a year ago (gave her a chance to tell her side of the story) wanted to know what happened and she told me and then told my brother ''i dont want to speak to cassie (me) anymore i never wanted a daughter i only wanted a son'' ...now none of us speak to her. we have closure on the past we know what happened when we was babys and we dont care about it.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-25-2011 at 04:00 PM.

 
Old 05-22-2011, 02:21 PM   #9
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Re: Family

Hi crying,

So sorry to hear these terrible stories.. I really feel for you. How cruel of your biological mother to say what she said..

Yes, people can be so cold, cruel and unfeeling but that doesn't mean we have to be like them. As you said, you are more loving because of what has happened to you and that's a beautiful quality.

Another lesson I needed to learn was "acceptance".. I could not change my family nor any other people around me but I could learn and did learn how to change how I viewed people and how I viewed myself and apply that to my everyday life.

From your spelling I am guessing you live in the U.K. or nearby so I don't know if they offer free classes there... What I am trying to say is that perhaps if you could get involved with a program, perhaps you could become a counselor of some sort so you can help others and get paid for it. You have fantastic insight and are so good at helping others.. Why not make a career out of it?

Just a thought,
Sunny

 
Old 05-22-2011, 02:33 PM   #10
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Yes i am in the UK unfortunately haha (crap weather) but i have looked into counselling but it costs money well at this place i was looking into, but if i am honest i havnt looked everywhere so im going to get on it tomorrow , i already planned to ring colleges tomorrow. I have also rang voluntary places but had to leave a message as the persons was in a meeting and hopefully they will call me back tomorrow hope so fingers crossed X X hehe. I do believe also that i would be a good counsellor but in a slight way i am abit put off as maybe i should be trying to help myself first before yet again helping and caring for others. Maybe i try to be everyones mother haha...well what a mother should be like anyway. one of my friends is like me too shes great. she lives far away though.

acceptance yes thats a good thing , i been working on it. opening up is really helping me , i am currently sat my computer and thinking wow i feel wierd my heads becoming abit clearer and i am looking around thinking what the hell am i doing. i need to change.

I think i was slowly getting it , if you know what i mean. I started to think to myself i put so much into love, relationships, people yet i end up with nothing and more broken each time. I knew they needed to be some changes and that i need to put myself first and care about myself more. Its just a shame its taken so long.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-25-2011 at 04:01 PM.

 
Old 05-22-2011, 03:01 PM   #11
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Re: Family

Hey, I'm in the U.S. and we have crappy weather here too! Rain, rain and more rain..

Yes, I know school costs money, I guess it's the same most everywhere.. I think volunteering would be wonderful for you! And who knows? Perhaps once the people around you see how good you are at helping others they may be able to suggest schooling that wouldn't cost so much... One thing can lead to another..

As far as you first helping yourself, I think by helping others you ARE helping yourself.. Think of the satisfaction that you can achieve by helping another.. Not everyone's problems are the same and I'm sure you can sit down with someone who is suffering and direct them in the right direction.. Something to think about..

Hey, you are making feel really old here! LOL! Darn, I'm 54 and you're 25! Maybe you feel older because of everything you have gone through and you may not see it now but you have a beautiful life ahead of you!

And yes, it's time for you to get a bit selfish without feeling guilty about it.. You deserve it!

Sunny

 
Old 05-22-2011, 03:15 PM   #12
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Re: Family

Its funny you should say that , i once got talking to a taxi driver about his crap past life and mine and he said ''Your old before your time''....lol. Maybe thats true but its quite good aswell. Yeah ya got me thinking now about the volunteering yeah what a super idea im gonna look into it i'll call the voluntary centre tomorrow see if they got any positions going. Feeling quite positive now. I may have issues but i sure am a good person with a heart of gold. my ex used to say ''talk to your parents you need to about the hurt they've caused'' and i was like ''no no i cant my dad gets depressed easily and him knowing that his and mums upbringing of me has messe dme up would crumble him'' me and my brother always say the same thing that if my mum and dad wasnt together , dad wouldnt of let us go. my dads a big softie but he went along with whatever my mum says or wants as shes the boss in there marriage and hes devoted to her. i admire my dad in some ways hes a good man but just like me a little weak. i do love and forgive my parents but i need to get rid of this co dependancy and fear issues but dont know how. working on it though i am determined and whenever i put my mind to something i usually succeed.

 
Old 05-22-2011, 06:20 PM   #13
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Re: Family

I am glad to hear that you are at the point where you know that it is all up to you now. You cannot look outside yourself to fix you (as in trying to make a relationship heal you). Helping others is very valuable for many reasons - you can learn; you can connect with others with similar issues and share; you can feel good about yourself. I think it is important that you basically stay single for the time being. You must love yourself a lot more than you do if you are have a healthy successful relationship. I feel for you, you have never really had a chance, as if you have been rejected by not just one, but two mothers. This will take a lot of work. Do not attach labels to yourself, such as codependent- this a good guide to certain learned behaviours which can all be unlearned; it is not a definition of a person. You need to be your own best friend, and use your empathy and nurturing skills (which are very good) on yourself. Talk to yourself as you would to a dear friend, and do not put yourself down ever. It is said that there are 3 parts to our psyche, adult, parent and child, and you can usually tell where you are coming from at any given time. Your hurt and anger are the child, your self criticism is the parent (yours is not a sympathetic mama, but a critical and harsh one), and the part of you that helps others, and is looking for help is the adult. Keep a journal and be always aware of how you are dealing. If you experience a strong emotion over a relatively small trigger, you can often tell why it went off.
Read anything you can about behaviours, parent stuff; knowledge will help you. Write write write - it is known that the mechanics of forming prose in your head and writing it down and reading it back is a powerful tool for self awareness. Good luck, Sera.

Last edited by Seraph; 05-22-2011 at 06:23 PM. Reason: typos

 
Old 05-23-2011, 11:37 AM   #14
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Re: Family

Thanks everyone for replying. I have started writing now to open up to myself and so i can read it over and over.

 
Old 05-24-2011, 01:10 AM   #15
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Re: Family

Please KNOW that we ALL care about each other on this board and we will always be here for each other to listen to and help in ANY way we can. I am so sorry you have had to go through SO much at such a young age. My mother even though we grew to be best friends when i became older when i was growing up i was treated the way you were REALLY REALLY GREAT in front of others but then when no-one was around it was like i didn't exist. I NEVER treat them the way i was treated. I have been blessed with a wonderful son and i have ALWAYS (not to brag) treated him like gold and we havw an amazing relationship!!! The ONLY complaint we have with each other is that we dont get to spend enough time together as we live 4 hours apart but i wouldn't trade him for nothing.I wish you all the best TAKE CARE!!!!

 
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