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Old 06-12-2011, 07:49 AM   #16
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

I do wish you luck as well, lonelyisland. And while I think someone in a relationship chooses to call herself "lonely island" says a lot, I do respect your decision to stick it out, at least a while longer. I've been there, and I did the same. had a man I loved completely and he started pulling away and acting distant. I thought all we needed to do was talk it out, but he decided he didn't love me anymore, if he ever had, and left rather unceremoniously. Now, I regret having wasted so much time and energy on him, on the relationship. I just don't like to see anyone else go through the same thing. But I hope it turns out differently for you.

 
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Old 06-12-2011, 09:20 AM   #17
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Hahaha no sorry lonely island actually is a private joke, well its not all that private, went away to majorca to this completly isolated part. Ha but thank you for your help

 
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:26 PM   #18
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

If you are afraid to tell him how you feel because you think if you do he'll leave you, then sorry but you two are not as close as you think you are. If he loves you the way you say he does he won't leave you just because you tell him something is bothering you. And if he does leave you over that, well then he didn't love you the way he should.

 
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Old 06-13-2011, 08:43 AM   #19
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

No im not afraid of telling him how i feel in the slightest, i tell him very easily and if he leaves me well he's not good enough for me, my problem was when i did tell him it just created alot of tension and just wasnt the right approach to the situation.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 10:34 AM   #20
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

The fact that you told him and it just caused tension should tell you a lot. What other kind of approach is there, if you can't talk to the person you are in a relationship with then you're in for a lot of problems in the future.

He just doesn't want to make room for you in his life, you are not a priority. If he was as madly in love with you as he claims he'd be prepared to listen to you, respect your feelings and come to a compromise.

Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming that he's not as into you as you'd like to believe.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 11:29 AM   #21
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

No offence theres advice and then theres just being cruel, i respect everyones opinions but saying its the wrong approach, what is the right approach every human is different and every situation needs be dealt with in different ways, there is no right way. I made this thread for advice how to deal with it not to be told my relationshipo is doomed or hes not that into me.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 11:39 AM   #22
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

lonely, I'm sorry you feel that way, but please hang tough. I genuinely don't think anyone is trying to be cruel or hurtful. We're just really straight talkers here, and especially those of us who have been on these boards for several years now, we don't really mince words. Straight talk seems to get through the best in most cases, though it can seem, and feel, harsh sometimes.

I know you have a great deal of hope for your relationship and want it to work out, and I'm not saying it won't. But I do recommend you read the book He's Just Not That Into You, even though I know you don't like the thought of it. I think regardless of your current relationship status, this is just really a very valuable book to read. It's short, quick, funny, but still chock full of very valuable information. I tell you, if I could work my will, I'd make it required reading for every high school girl in the country. It's what every woman really needs to know about men. I think even if you've got a good man for the long term there are still things to be learned from this book.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 11:42 AM   #23
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

But I think the problem here is that talking out what's wrong is what is normal and expected in a relationship. And if you have tried that and in your own words it caused tension, then how do you expect to work through problems that come up throughout the relationship? If you went to couples counseling, the whole premise of that is to get the couple talking to each other to get all of the issues out in the open so the issues can be discussed and dealt with appropriately. To say that attempting to talk it through is the wrong approach not only makes this relationship totally unstable but it also sends a bad message for trying to work through future issues.

This thing about him not making time for you is a minor issue. But what's really a huge issue is that he won't even talk about it with you to see if you guys could come up with a compromise! Successful relationships are grounded in open and honest communication, compromise, mutual respect and loyalty. It sounds like you guys are missing several of those foundational elements, which is why this relationship is limping along so badly right now. He needs to man up and be willing to have an open dialoge with you as you need to be with him whenever either of you feels like something is going wrong. Otherwise, this thing isn't going to last much longer.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 11:55 AM   #24
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelyisland View Post
No offence theres advice and then theres just being cruel, i respect everyones opinions but saying its the wrong approach, what is the right approach every human is different and every situation needs be dealt with in different ways, there is no right way. I made this thread for advice how to deal with it not to be told my relationshipo is doomed or hes not that into me.
I don't think anyone is telling you your relationship is doomed because they want to hurt you.
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Last edited by 00lady00; 06-13-2011 at 12:00 PM.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 02:47 PM   #25
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

No ones on here to upset you , people just say there honest opinions because as an outsider it can look/seem different. You may be in denial i am not sure but please dont be offended by any comments people are here to help and are just being honest because its pointless telling you what you want to hear as thats not fair on you , and you could get hurt. Sometimes we need to look at it from all angles to work out what really is going on.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 02:49 PM   #26
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Lonely,

It is possible that he is busy. Also maybe he is not as romantic as you wish him to be.
It depends on how much time you want to be with him. I hope you are not obsessive.
So it could balance out here - he is busy with his thing and you are busy with your things.

Maybe you just have to schedule some time for you two. Discuss the schedule with him and make some dates.

If you are not compatible, you will know more later on.

Good luck,
Nina

 
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:42 AM   #27
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

ok thanks and all, but stop saying he's not into me, I wouldnt try work things out otherwise? we all have issuses but what makes relationships strong is ur will to fight, we all hav negative points, and my partner is just one of theses people that if u try tlk stuff out with him all at once it can overwhelm him and he shuts me out, sure not the ideal situation, and i accept him just the way he is, when u love someone you love all of them including there flaws, In my partners case he just a very proud and stubborn man and hates to be wrong.

But thats not a reason to leave some1 or think hey there not into me, i see how he looks and talks to me, what we have is real, all i wanted was advice on how to handle the situation gently. Yes i know ideal advice is to talk it out with them but every person is different. Some men just need a push in the right direction. And i love my man so i stand by him even when things are tough, thats why we are close.

But im asking for help on our situation not opinions on our relationship. Reading that he may not be into me is'nt helpful it's just upsetting. I love being straight up and to the point equally i respect those who are the same. Just advise on what I asked not upset me with your theories or opinions on us. thanks x

 
Old 06-14-2011, 09:14 AM   #28
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

I used to date a guy who played in a local cover bar band, and sometimes they would play as the warm up act for national acts that would come to one particular club. He coud put me on the "list" so I could get in for free. One time I had friends coming with me and we were expecting a couple of free tickets because he said he was going to put me on the list, but he forgot. One of the women with us whispered to her sister "there's a relationship in trouble." It upset me terribly that she would say such a snotty thing, especially since her intention was not to help in any way, but to just be catty and vent her irritation at having to pay to get in. But what I didn't realize, or actually REFUSED to realize at the time, was that she had actually seen somethign that I didn't. Ever hear the expression "you can't see the forest for the trees?" That means that sometimes you can be too close to a situation, and be too emotionally invested in having it turn out the way you really want it to turn out, that you lose your objectivity and can't really see the situation clearly, and you can't see everything that's happening, whereas casual observers can see things that you are missing.

No one here is trying to upset you, and no one here is simply opining your relationship just to sound off or look smart. Sometimes when we get advice, it's not always what we want to hear. I think people here are simply offering another perspective, another possibility that you really just don't want to consider. That's undestandable. But I don't think it really gets you anywhere productive to say "give me advice, BUT only tell me what I want to hear."

Anyone will tell you that communication is the #1 most important ingredient to a good relationship. The fact is, if there are problems, and the two of you can't or won't address them and talk them through, the fact is that doesn't bode well for a healthy, mature, mutually happy and rewarding long term relationship. It kind of sounds like he just wants you to accept the way things are and leave it alone. Unless you are willing to do just that, you're going to reach some kind of an impasse. At some point, he is going to HAVE to participate in a real, grown up way in the relatioship. I don't know if there IS any good advice on how to gently, subversively cajole him into wanting to actively participate in the relationship or to care about how you're feeling if he just doesn't.

 
Old 06-14-2011, 11:52 AM   #29
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Ok.... I just have to step in here. I am in almost the exact same situation right now as your boyfriend... in fact it the similarities are uncanny. Dating for the same amount of time, I'm getting harassed about not thinking about her during the day..texting..responding to texts... calls... or even a small email saying anything to show she is on my mind. I hate talking things out (with her).

The problem is.... drumroll.... you (or at least he thinks so). Why hasn't he broken up with you? Well, that's easy. It's because he loves you and wants to be with you. There are many aspects of your personality/character/relationship that he adores... and he is waiting to see if you will mature enough to get some self confidence. You are insecure... incredibly, incredibly insecure. You're trying to argue against this assessment in your mind right now... because of how outgoing you are. Most outgoing people are insecure and act out constantly for attention. No one can fix this but YOU.. not caused by him, caused by you.

Every time you "bring up" your desire for attention... which is most likely EVERY DAY, he responds mechanically without thought or feeling. It is probably some type of assurance backed with less emotion than he exhibits over a hamburger. Why? Well, it's all he can do aside from punching you in the face out of extreme frustration. Here's a little excerpt of a likely conversation on the topic between you two:

You Say:
"All I asked for was something showing you were thinking of me... a text, call.. email. You said you would get better about it. Don't you think of me at all during the day? I was hoping today would be the day it changes. We even talked about it two days ago and I waited until today to bring it up... and still nothing. Do you still love me?"

He Hears:
"So, remember the other day when I b*%ed at you until you told me whatever you thought I wanted to hear so I would shut up? Well, it's that time again."

He Thinks:
God help me. Please put the right words in my mouth to make her shut up. She is so incredibly insecure. I love her, I've told her so. I never have told her the opposite... and she harasses, and harasses.

He Says:
.... long pause, possibly vacant stare...

You Say:
Something... not really important, reiterating your first statement in about 5 different ways as if there were some possibility that perhaps he didn't understand you the first time.

He Thinks:
Happy place... happy place, go to my happy place.... my car. I wonder if that new wax really works like the manufacturer says... I mean just wipe off? Come on, you'll most definitely have to buff it afterward to get a respectable gloss.

He Says:
"I'm sorry, you are right... we did agree that I would communicate to you more throughout the day."

He Thinks:
That'll probably do the trick... well, not really. It is a weak effort and I've got a few more cards in my pocket... I'll play a new card every 5 minutes, as to not look too obvious that I'm just trying to shut you up.

.... and the conversation continues.... not until some sort of resolution is reached, but until YOU feel he has suffered the same anxiety that's been boiling in your mind for the past 48 hours while waiting for his email/text/call... glancing at your phone every 10 minutes.

And now my advice:
1. Mature a little (ok, a lot) and get some self confidence
2. Harassing him = bad idea
3. Do not start going out / girls night / etc to make him jealous. He won't think "wow, she has an independent life of her own, that's refreshing. I should re-invigorate my interest in her." He WILL think "well, if that's what she wants to do now... then that's what she wants to do.. if in all this going-out, she finds a guy then I'm not fighting to keep her. why would I want to be with someone who I have to fight to keep?"
4. Find something... a hobby... that you are both interested in long-term and do it together (night college class in ceramics)... it doesn't matter what, as long as it involves substantial interaction (not watching TV). Don't overlook this suggestion... 1 and 2 may be long-term work-on things for you, but this one will have an immediate effect of bringing you closer. Note, this not an opportunity to get him interested in something you want to do... if you do this, it will have the opposite effect. Find something you both could have interest in (more so him than you... to ease the effect of this possibly looking like a step to further smother him.)

One last note on why he hates talking things out with you:
He has to be on-guard the whole conversation against wording things in a way you might find offensive (and thus pull the conversation into an unnecessary and time-consuming tangent). Oh, you don't mean to do this.. but you do it anyway in nearly every conversation. Why does this happen? It's because your insecurity and anxiety jump in your mouth's drivers seat.

This is not about his inability to properly communicate in a relationship, it is due to his being on the edge of breaking up with you over your immature neediness and insecurity.

 
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Old 06-14-2011, 12:16 PM   #30
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Totally agree with the facts of what John U says, though not the perception, but it's interesting to get a man's point of view. This is a guy who may love you, but as we've been saying, it's not the same as being "into" you. A man who just wants you to shut up and leave him be and accept that the "relationship" is what it is, he's giving all he intends to give and doesn't care that the relationship is lacking in your eyes at all, to my mind is a guy who isn't really looking years and years into the future with you. I think your man is probably thinking all the things John says he is. Men like this may "love" the women they are with currently, but they are not IN love. They are enjoying the relationship for the now as long as it's fun, but as I said, any guy who just wants you to shut up and doesn't care if you're unhappy, and has no interest in what you're feeling or experiencing....kinda says it all, doesn't it?

I also agree that you shouldn't go out on "girls' nights out" as a ploy to get him jealous. But rather, you should go out with friends, spend time with family, to have a more well-rounded and diverse social life so you won't be making him the whole center of your universe, because it's not healthy to make your man your entire world. Socializing with other people and not spending so much time focusing on when you will next get to be with your boyfriend will give you some perspective, some distance to see things a bit more clearly.

I know you really want this relationship to work out, but I think at this point in the relationship, it might be a good idea to just enjoy what you have for the moment. And when he's not around, find other things to enjoy. After all, you can't bully him, push him, or talk him into loving you the way you want him to. If the relationship continues to be unsatisfying for you, then it will be totally up to YOU do decide whether you want to remain in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship with a guy who just wants you to shut up and be happy with the crumbs he feels like throwing you, or if you are ready for something more real, substantial, mutually respectful and lasting.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-14-2011 at 12:32 PM.

 
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