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Old 06-10-2011, 01:12 PM   #1
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Unhappy Boyfriend stopped making effort

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything, however I kept telling myself hang in their its just a phase he will remember me and start makin an effort again, but sadly not At first i thought maybe he was starting to fall outta love with me, but after i talked to him about it he assured me he was madly in love and hes just "busy". But i just can't take that excuse anymore , "busy" .... i don't care how busy you are, taking time to send one text to the person you love isn't asking too much, is it?

Like when we are together things are wonderful, is there anything I can do to maybe get his attention back? Like talking to him doesnt work cause he's so stubborn, like what should I do? Its not a real relationship if everythin revolves around him yano? Anyone any advice on getting his interest back? I really appreciate anyone who can help. x

 
Old 06-10-2011, 01:23 PM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Even if you're married to someone, you still don't want to be "underfoot" too much. If he thinks all you're doing is sitting at home waiting for him to make time for you, that might make him feel pressured and make him want to stay away even more.

Sounds like you're already talked it out, so I don't recommend anymore of that. men don't really respond to words and talking, anyway. They respond to action. You don't give any information as to whether you live together, share children, or anything like that, but maybe an impromtu Friday evening out with the girls, not always answering his text immediately, etc. will make it clear to him that he's not your whole life. maybe even a weekend getaway without him. I think most men get really uncomfortable and they start to feel stifled and pressured if they feel that their woman has made him her whole, entire life. Plan some things that don't involve him. I know it can be hard when all you want to do is be with him, but work really hard at getting a full, well rounded life of your own. If he's going to be working late, instead of staying home and hoping he'll make it in time for a late supper with you, go to a movie by yourself and tell him you'll see him tomorrow. And then don't text or call him for the rest of the night. It may sound like playing games, but really it's just getting back to you. He's got a full and rich, rewarding life without you, so you need one without him.

I mean, life is short, and you only get this one. You don't want to waste any of it waiting for someone to decide they're ready to spend time with you. Make every day, make every evening count. Make great plans for yourself and if he wants to join you, great. If not, oh well, maybe next time. Simply give him a chance to miss you. If he still cares and still has passion for you, he'll let you know he's missed you and will want to spend some time with you. If he doesn't, it could be he feels the relationship is just running its course and is winding down. that could be. Happens every day. But better to know now than to sit and wonder for months, or years.

 
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Old 06-10-2011, 01:39 PM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Alll relevant points and believe me I've taken it all on board, cause if im bein honest at the start when he started acting this way I would get upset alot and be miserable, checking my phone the whole time , completly needy, then when i thought about it, would i want me, like this? So i calmed down, hung out with my friends, never texted him tilll he text me, often went hours till i'd text him back, made sure he knew i had a life and I could survive on my own yano?

But still his interest is dominated by his stupid car & job, like is it a phase or maybe me acting independant completly has that made him feel unwanted?

 
Old 06-10-2011, 01:53 PM   #4
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Hi lonely,

His "stupid job" is important, as it is the means by which he provides for himself, as well as builds his experience for his future.

His "stupid car", whether it is a hobby for him or a necessity for him to spend time on, either way that is his interest and cannot be taken from him. If you are to challenge the time he spends on either, he will certainly resent it and pull away.

The makings of a good relationship is one that inspires each partner to do their best in life, to enjoy their time both together and away from each other. I would ask him how many times a week he is free to spend time with you and stick to that. Maybe in is only once. Since he has already pulled away, you might need to give him more room, for some time.

Men are naturally designed for the hunt, and being smothered is the best way to turn off that hunt instinct.

Now, I know you are hurting and want him so badly, but this might be a sign that this is not the man for you. There are plenty of men out there that do desire a woman to be waiting for him every minute, and being available at the drop of a hat. You might need to choose a different man, rather than try and change the one you have.

I wish you the best.

 
Old 06-10-2011, 02:12 PM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelyisland View Post
But still his interest is dominated by his stupid car & job, like is it a phase or maybe me acting independant completly has that made him feel unwanted?
No, I doubt it. You went out and got a life BECAUSE he started being neglectful, right? No, i don't think he feels unwanted. It could be he's just not that into you anymore. No matter how much he says he still loves you. I dated a guy who took me shopping for engagement rings. We measured our ring fingers and looked at wedding sets and everything. He told me he would never leave me, he was so glad he found me, and was honored and proud to be my boyfriend. The next week he dumped me. Listen to your gut. If your guts says he doesn't love you anymore, no matter what his mouth is saying, your gut is what you listen to. It's not anything you did or didn't do, it's not anything you can "fix" if only you had the right answer. Sometimes the love a person feels for another person just dies, and they just move on. that's the risk we take when we love someone.

 
Old 06-10-2011, 02:20 PM   #6
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

The only real thing you can do in this situation is, if you feel like he is neglecting you, to try and compromise with him, how much time does he spent with you on a weekly basis? if you feel it isn't enough you could first try and not start neglecting him, he's probably really comfortable in this relationship and thinks he can just do whatever, you need to show him that just because you've been in a relationship for sometime he can't just think he doesnt need to try, you need to develop a life outside of him, that way it might seem like you don't have time for him.

I use to date someone who would do this to me all the time and I hated it, we were always on his schedule, when he wanted to see me, when he felt like it, sometimes he would ruin plans we had made prior or he would simply want to hang out last minute, eventually I got fed up with him and I made it a point that if he didn't make plans with me in advance and gave me enough time to do what i needed to do, I wasn't going to be available to him anymore, this relationship didn't work out but I still have this boundarie set up with my current SO.
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Last edited by 00lady00; 06-10-2011 at 02:26 PM.

 
Old 06-10-2011, 02:26 PM   #7
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Can we have some more info please....

Do you live together?
Do you work?
Children?
How often do you see him?
Whats he like towards you when together? Loving etc...?
How much time do you spend with him?
How much time do you not spend with him?

Sounds like cars are his big interest and when a guy is really into something its hard to prise them away....my ex was a serious xbox 360 addict but i learnt to live with it he absolutely loved it.

Last edited by cryingforever; 06-10-2011 at 02:27 PM.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 05:36 AM   #8
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
Can we have some more info please....

Do you live together?
Do you work?
Children?
How often do you see him?
Whats he like towards you when together? Loving etc...?
How much time do you spend with him?
How much time do you not spend with him?

.
No we don't live together, yes i too work and love my job. I use to see him alot now i be lucky to see him once or twice in 2 weeks and might be jus for an hour or so.We have a very close relationship, and i broke up with him once over a different issue and he drove 6 hours in the car up to me just to get me back. I don't question how much he loves me, that i trust and feel. I just find he seems to have gotten into this habbit where he calls the shots, and i just don't think that's healthy yano?

And i've let it go on so long now that if i start giving out it will just push him away, i support him fully i love him have drive and passion about his job and car. But there has to be a limit. x

 
Old 06-11-2011, 09:46 AM   #9
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

You say you have a very close relationship but in my opinion it doesnt sound it to me. You rarely see him, hes calling the shots all the time and tells you hes ''busy'' all the time and doesnt make much time for you.

You shouldnt have to 'try' and get his attention or more time, he should be making that effort on his own.

I dont think hes that into you anymore , sorry i am just been honest this is what it looks like from the outside. I could be wrong , i hope i am wrong hun.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 10:32 AM   #10
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

no i agree how it looks, but when i mean close, we share everythin together. When we really need each other where there for each other. I suffered very badly with depression, thankfully iv made it through it, but he still stuck through it with me.

I dunno apart of me thinks maybe he spent so much time minding me and being there for me, his life was put on pause and he's tryin to get it back.

I know its easy to say he's not that interested the ways hes acting, but then I be talking to his friends and they be saying how he never shuts up about me. And when he does wanna meet up he might bring me to dinner at his parents.

Maybe the best thing to do is be patient and if things just die between us, then i know the relationship has run its course.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 02:30 PM   #11
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelyisland View Post
no i agree how it looks, but when i mean close, we share everythin together. When we really need each other where there for each other. I suffered very badly with depression, thankfully iv made it through it, but he still stuck through it with me.

I dunno apart of me thinks maybe he spent so much time minding me and being there for me, his life was put on pause and he's tryin to get it back.

I know its easy to say he's not that interested the ways hes acting, but then I be talking to his friends and they be saying how he never shuts up about me. And when he does wanna meet up he might bring me to dinner at his parents.

Maybe the best thing to do is be patient and if things just die between us, then i know the relationship has run its course.
Edited......read posts below and thought yeah they got a good point.

Last edited by cryingforever; 06-12-2011 at 04:01 AM.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 09:11 PM   #12
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

I would fall ALL THE WAY back. Men are funny. They tend to become extremely interested when you're not as interested in them. I assure you that if he thinks you're losing interest for whatever reason, he will come looking for you. Also, men like women who have their own lives (friends, hobbies, job, etc.) so go out and do your own thing and let him contact you when he's ready.

 
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Old 06-11-2011, 11:48 PM   #13
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

Well put Caput!

And I would go back to using real time, rather than using text time which is instant. I don't know how old you are but there was a day when life was not so instant, and it was much better in some ways. For example, if someone called another person one evening, the call may be returned the next evening, rather than in one minute. That allows time for the intrigue and excitement to develop. It also establishes the fact that you are currently busy, which we should be most of the day and evening, doing something.

Now if he is not available or interested in spending enough time with you to provide you with enough time to be fulfilled and satisfied, then you may need another kind of man. What ever you do do not settle, because of blind love. There has to be a happy medium that comes naturally to both parties. Forcing it will lead no where.

It seems that you are too willing to wait...iI ask "wait for what? For him to change or wait for more waiting? Having to play games or run off to make him run after you is not right. It is his actions that show his interest in you, not his words. Words are often used to get what we want, but actions tell the true story.

I know that this is hard for you, but it is one of life's tough lessons that have to be lived through in order to learn. For those of us who may not be giving you the answers you want the most, they are coming from women who have been there and only want to make you aware of some very typical mistakes we have made, often more than once, and we are just trying to spare you long drawn out relationships that end up painful anyway.

Make yourself the most important person in your life, make your time the most important time of all. First, do what you need to in life to provide for yourself , second do what you want the most, for your future, next you have free time which should be spent in whatever way that you feel the happiest and most fulfilled, and waiting should be reserved for red lights. Using that formula, you will turn yourself into the most interesting, fun to be with, and most desirable woman that men and women aspire to be with, and act like. Anything less, is cheating yourself of the life you deserve. Life is a wonderful and exciting experience, and do not wait for it to come to you, go out there and take it for yourself!

 
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Old 06-12-2011, 07:26 AM   #14
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

I agree with all your opinions, that i do, all relevent points. I am 28 years old and as much as i agree about going back to real time, its not practical in this day and age.

I understand that all of ye are of the opinion that I shouldn't I have to change etc.... i too agree with that, but please understand when you love someone you love all of them even the bad parts, and that's exactly how i feel with my partner. I am not one who gives up easily, there was a time when I was younger that I would not stick around. I must make this clear I am not a push over nor am I one to stick around if treated poorly, but we've come so far, and what we have is worth fighting for.

I put it to you this way it's like a new born, they keep you up late at night, Your sleep pattern changes, but what motivates us to get up at night for the late night feedings and so on? Love! Love and our natural instincts motivate us when were tired and just want a break. I know you may not agree, but the way i feel for my partner is similiar, all though lately he seems to be not himself, I've faith in us you see.

I've always had an optimistic approach to life, and I know it may seem naive and you would think waiting may only lead to more waiting? And maybe ye guys feel this way. But I choose to calm down and just enjoy day by day. And I do hope that it will be with my partner by my side if not, as ye have said I am better off with someone who deserves me. I hope ye wish me luck, if not I do thank you for ye're opinions and advice, and trust me when I say every comment has helped. I always find it helps me to talk things out. x

 
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Old 06-12-2011, 07:43 AM   #15
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Re: Boyfriend stopped making effort

I wish you luck on the decision that you have made hun

 
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