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Old 06-11-2011, 05:26 AM   #1
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Can People Change?

Hello Everyone! My thoughts may be a little all over but here I go. About 8 years ago, I met the first person I fell in love with. We hit it off fast and fell apart just as fast. The attraction was instant. WE ARE COMPLETE OPPOSITES. I'm the good girl and he's (was) the party guy that everyone loved for being that way. We weren't together long. When we were together, he treated me well. I truly felt he shared a different side than the party guy he showed everyone else. We both have/had issues with depression and such. I, the good girl, took the proactive route and went to therapy and sought out a good anti-depressant. He chose pot and still smokes. The good girl would never do that. I was/am still a virgin. He's the person I did the most with but b/c of issues I'm still working out, shut that part of me down. He never expected me to smoke but wanted me to accept it as a part of him. He felt I was trying to change him, which now because of my family role, I realize is true. I'm the fix it person in my family, so that travels to relationships with men. He never smoked in front of me but we fell apart when he moved into an apartment with his buddies. It was party central and I wanted no part of that. I fell apart after we broke up.

Move forward 8 years. I've learned so much about myself and I'm still learning as I've had great therapists. Last year he "friended" me on the famous social website. We exchanged pleasantries and went on our way. A few comments here and there. I know he's been in relationships, was engaged, but in the last year broke up with someone else. Me, dating is really hard. 3 months ago, he sent me a personal message, asking how I've been. It threw me off guard. He brought up our first date and things I thought only I remembered. He mentioned possibly getting drinks. He included that he knows we have our differences but it's a new day. Maybe we are meant to cross paths for the better. I know he still smokes daily and he knows I'm still a virgin, that we've discussed. Which as much as they are still the issues, I feel they are already out on the table. My question is this: As much as I'm still the good girl and hate the pot, could he have changed in other ways that outweigh that flaw of pot smoking? I didn't think I would think of him and I again, but it's definitely in my head. Am I holding one flaw against him, when I'm sure I have many? Am I still assuming he's the loud party guy when maybe he's more subdued, 8 years later? I'm so confused!!!!

 
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Old 06-11-2011, 07:21 AM   #2
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Re: Can People Change?

You have to decide for yourself how much of a deal breaker it is that he still smokes dope everyday. Only you can decide for yourself whether his other qualities are worth putting up with the pot. BUT....I will say, if he's still smoking every day, then his brain is still being influenced by the THC, and it's very unlikely that he's changed in a significant way in other areas of his life. I think the fact that you haven't had luck dating or finding someone else is making you want to run back to the familiar and making you hope it will somehow miraculously turn out differently even though there is absolutely no reason or proof to think it will. Sometimes people can change in significant ways, but I didn't see anything in your post that would indicate that HE has changed at all in any way.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 08:43 AM   #3
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Re: Can People Change?

Thank you for your response. As much as I don't like the pot, I don't consider it dope. I consider crack to be dope. We haven't even actually spoken yet. I'm very protective of myself because of the first time so I'm cautious in "running back." I know that there are probably many professional people in the world who smoke daily and live productive lives. I guess I'd have to meet up with him to see what if anything has changed. It's the unknown I fear. It's opening up again. Yet, as I said, "What if he's matured in other areas?" I haven't just come out and said "Let's get together." because I'm protecting myself. Because we are opposite, he was the one who pulled me out of my shell a little and I was the level headed one. Who knows?

 
Old 06-11-2011, 09:31 AM   #4
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Re: Can People Change?

The only way to find out is meeting him and seeing it for yourself. Yes people can change he was younger then and a party guy but as people get older they cut down on partying or stop and want to settle down with a partner and/or children , marriage etc....however some dont stop partying (my 32 year old friend still acts like a teenager into partying, drink and drugs and acting silly)...I was once a party girl (didnt do drugs though and didnt drink heavily) but now i am a home girl and dont drink at all, i only like tea and want to settle down hehe!!!

Do you want to meet him again and see what happens?

Yes people can change.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 10:39 AM   #5
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Re: Can People Change?

What does he do for a living? More and more jobs today require drug testing. What kind of future can there be with someone who's breaking the law? It is against the law, right? Will there be health issues for him somewhere down the road because of his smoking? If two people, both of whom have suffered from depression, get married and have children, isn't there a good chance that the children will have the same problem?

Be sure to think about all the possible consequences.

 
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:58 AM   #6
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Re: Can People Change?

Yes, people can change, but not everyone does. The only way you will know for sure is to meet up with him and find out for yourself. Has he mentioned meeting up?

It's been 8 years and still hasn't settled down so he may still be just the same. How old is he? Do you know why his engagement was broken?

Be prepared that he may be just the same as you remembered him and not get too disappointed.

 
Old 06-11-2011, 11:06 AM   #7
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Re: Can People Change?

I don't mind people smoking pot on occasion, however, I would never date someone who likes to smoke on a daily basis because they're addicted to it and I wouldn't think such a person was responsible/reliable, but I also wouldn't date someone who drank too much. I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, you could go out for drinks but look at it more as two friends hanging out and catching up, you two obviously shared nice moments but it's been 8yrs and he could simply be seeing it as a lifetime ago and things that you could talk about and have a good laugh as friends. Chances are, he's probably still the same, especially if he hasn't grown out of his pot smoking days.
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Old 06-11-2011, 02:09 PM   #8
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Re: Can People Change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
Thank you for your response. As much as I don't like the pot, I don't consider it dope. I consider crack to be dope. We haven't even actually spoken yet. I'm very protective of myself because of the first time so I'm cautious in "running back." I know that there are probably many professional people in the world who smoke daily and live productive lives.
Well, it's just a matter of semantics. I'm probably much older than you, and when I was young, there was really no such thing as crack, certainly not in wide use. And yes, in the late 60s, early 70s, everyone called marijuana "dope," among many other things, so that's why I do call it and consider it dope.

It sounds like it's not such a deal breaker to you that he still does pot everyday. But I can't tell if that's how you really feel deep down, or if you're trying to convince yourself that you could be ok with it because you really want this guy back. Like others have said, you really won't know just how much he's changed, if at all, unless and until you meet him face to face. But don't get too far ahead of yourself. It seems at this point, he's only asked you how you've been, and such, yes? That doesn't necessarily mean he'll want to get back with you. He might just be curious, he might just be going through a bored, lonely and horny stage and wanting to see if you're up for a months' worth of booty calls. Proceed with caution, I'd say.

 
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Old 06-11-2011, 05:17 PM   #9
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Re: Can People Change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Will I Be Happy View Post
About 8 years ago, I met the first person I fell in love with. We hit it off fast and fell apart just as fast. The attraction was instant. WE ARE COMPLETE OPPOSITES. I'm the good girl and he's (was) the party guy that everyone loved for being that way. We weren't together long.

I, the good girl, took the proactive route and went to therapy and sought out a good anti-depressant. He chose pot and still smokes.

Move forward 8 years. 3 months ago, he sent me a personal message, asking how I've been. I know he still smokes daily and he knows I'm still a virgin, that we've discussed.

My question is this: As much as I'm still the good girl and hate the pot, could he have changed in other ways that outweigh that flaw of pot smoking? I didn't think I would think of him and I again, but it's definitely in my head. Am I holding one flaw against him, when I'm sure I have many? Am I still assuming he's the loud party guy when maybe he's more subdued, 8 years later? I'm so confused!!!!
Hi, I didn't read anywhere where he has changed, he smoked pot daily 8 years ago and he continues to smoke pot daily (addiction problem? sounds like it to me). I'm in my 50's and have known people who smoked pot/dope (whatever you want to call it, it's still a drug that changes one's personality besides being illegal) when they were younger and stopped smoking it when they grew up and took responsibility for themselves.

I agree with everything Larrylou'smom said and I also agree that you should proceed with caution. You sound like a really nice person and from what you wrote I think you can do better.

Good luck to you,
Sunny

 
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Old 06-11-2011, 06:15 PM   #10
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Re: Can People Change?

People who smoke pot/weed can become very selfish, less care about things/people/life in general, less alert and get moody/aggresive if they run out of pot. Thats the pattern i have witnessed when i have been around pot users.

Can you accept his pot smoking? be honest and think deep is it worth it?

People can change and grow up but hes still using pot therefore i'm not so sure wether he has or not grown up and matured despite him still smoking the pot which is in my opinion immature.

Do you even want to try again with him?

 
Old 06-12-2011, 12:42 PM   #11
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Re: Can People Change?

Has he indicated that he wants you two to start dating? IIRC, you wanted more from your previous relationship and he pulled back and didn't want to get seriously involved. Have you gotten any clues from him that he is ready to make a commitment to be a couple with you?

I do know some professional people who smoke pot, but they have ALWAYS been responsible and mature people who happen to smoke maybe on the occasional weekend. They were never "partiers" who got completely stoned out of their minds at parties or with a big group of people. However, the people I know who were big partiers still are. Those people never "changed" and suddenly become mature and responsible. And I know people in their 40s and 50s who are still like that, and their lives are a mess.

I too think you want to believe he's "changed" because you've always wanted to be with him. As far as I can tell, he's still doing the same thing (smoking pot) but you want to believe that despite that, he is somehow more mature and responsible now. What have you seen in him that proves to you that he has become a changed person?

 
Old 06-12-2011, 08:11 PM   #12
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Re: Can People Change?

He sounds like bad news to me. I can see how you'd be tempted, but do you really want to be around that lifestyle? I don't see you having a future with this guy. I think you want to believe he has changed, and maybe he has in ways, but it doesn't sound like he has changed much. He may be okay as a friend or a fling, but some things are better left alone, I'd say. He doesn't sound like a good influence, or someone you'd want to bring around to your parents. If he wanted to quit smoking pot, and is seeking you out as an opposite to turn him around, then maybe I'd consider him, but otherwise, I'd say there are other fish in the sea.

 
Old 06-13-2011, 01:50 AM   #13
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Re: Can People Change?

Can people change?

Of course they can, and many of us change in many ways simply by the passage of time. Others choose to make changes to better our lives, or simply to move onto the future in their jobs, their relationships and their accomplishments. When a person sets their mind to change, it can be very successful and rewarding.

In this case, there has been no changes required for him, as far as you know, so any choices he has made that have led to changes would be something only a conversation would answer. I would not have expected him to make changes that would have changed your ability to be good partner for you, as once your relationship ended, his changes were likely for someone else, if any. What would you have wanted him to change? I can understand the smoking, but you already know the answer to that one.

To me, I get the feeling that you are protecting yourself from the possibility of being hurt, and while you are in that self protection mode, you will likely never know the "what if's". Does that protection extend to all men, or just him? I imagine you can find out anything he is willing to tell you on your social media sight, without an in person meeting.

If you are not afraid to meet up with him somewhere to catch up, then do so. Make it clear that you are simply catching up with an old friend and that's it. Whether he changed or not does not seem to be that important to me...have you changed? Does that factor in to any of this?

Let us know what you decided...and the best to you

 
Old 06-13-2011, 01:32 PM   #14
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Re: Can People Change?

My feeling is you and he have this big distance. He did pot or is doing pot, and you have never done that and you are so pure that you are his hiding place...
Sometimes maybe he likes to find someone to rest after a day of trouble. Maybe he needs someone who is calm. However, how will you stop him from smoking pot? You are not a charity organization that helps people stop smoking pot.

My reaction is you and he are very different. I would suggest that you find someone simpler like a guy out of college or a guy who has regular job and has nothing to do with pots.

Just my 2 cents,
Nina

 
Old 06-13-2011, 02:58 PM   #15
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Re: Can People Change?

Smoking pot reduces ones inhibitions. So, if you have a relationship with him, whether dating or eventual marriage, he will not likely be trustworthy. Imagine him going to a party (smokers don't like to smoke alone), getting high, losing his inhibitions and getting it on with another girl.

 
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