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Old 06-17-2011, 02:45 AM   #1
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Girlfriend traits

Can someone please help me shed some light on the bizarre behaviour of my girlfriend...

Basically;

After 9 years together (16-25 years old) I found out she was having an affair of some sort with my best friend. (I have known him 18 years). We had a domestic that resulted in her sitting tight for 2 or 3 days and then when I went to work, she went to the police and made allegations against me. Some are true, some are exaggerated and some are just complete lies!

She has always been a liar (never really anything significant)

I have since found out that she may be a thief (incidents over the years that could now well be explained by this.)

She may have cheated on me before (about 90% sure)

Since around Christmas time I have noticed a change in her and we had a stale period during our relationship. (throughout this time we were 'fine' and still sleeping in the same bed, sharing jokes and had generally living normally.)

Now I have found out that she is still seeing this "best friend" late at night but no one has really seen her out and about during the day. I have been charged by the court and am awaiting the outcome. We shared all the same friends and it has come as a complete shock that she could do this on me! If she wasn't happy with me, why have an affair with my best friend? (his loyalty should have been to me I know). Why go so far with the police by telling lies to make the situation out to be more serious than it was? Why does it seem she has no remorse for telling these lies? Could she really just be happy to be rid of me?

Finally, she has taken our dog that I paid for, have a licence for etc and refuses to let me see it! It has been 6 weeks from the incident and I haven't laid eyes on her or him. It's as if she actually doesn't care for me AT ALL and neither does he after all those years we were together!

I am no angel myself and over the 9 years I have did things that I am not proud of, but she knows me inside out and knows that I am not a bad person and loved her dearly (maybe I didn't always show it but who doesn't go through tough times in a long term relationship like that?). It wasn't long ago that we were looking to purchase a house together and my "best friend" and his ex girlfriend (who were engaged) were asking me to be best man at the wedding!

Can anyone shed any light on this change in behaviour so sudden over a few months or has the character traits always been there and she is just wolf in sheeps clothing? I know she loved me and I am not disputing that, but what would explain this malicious behaviour?!

Thank You to anyone who takes the time to read this and reply to me.

 
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Old 06-17-2011, 09:09 PM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend traits

I think she feels guilty for cheating on you, and she may be scared you're going to retaliate, so she's trying to make you look bad, before you make her look bad. She's anticipating you getting mad or getting rid of her, so she took the dog before you could take him yourself.

 
Old 06-17-2011, 10:08 PM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend traits

You said you "had a domestic" so I'm assuming that means you had a physical fight. We're not hearing her side of the story, so I'm sorry, I can't just believe out of hand that she has lied. I'm assuming this was not the first time you raised your hand to her in anger and violence? You say you have done things in the past that you're not proud of, but did not elaborate. In this case, I think the details here are important. How much you have abused her in the past may explain her behavior now. Perhaps she bended the truth of what happened in last particular incident, but perhaps these things happened before? Or maybe she's truly afraid for her safety or her life and wants to make sure you can't hurt her again. Again, without her side of the story, or without knowing all the true facts of the story, it's hard to say.

The simple long and short of it is, love can die. Especially when physical violence is involved. It's just as simple as that. You can beat a woman once too many times. Now, again, I don't know the exact nature of the "domestic" incident, and who beat or hit whom, to what extent, etc. But it just sounds like a very dysfunctional , unhealthy relationship that you both are probably better off to get out of. I suggest you get into counseling, anger management, and deal with your own issues and grow and become a better man so your next relationship with the next woman can be more healthy, respectful and productive.

And one last thing, whatever you do, please do NOT make the dog a pawn in whatever is going on between you two. In many many situations like this, the man hurts or kills the dog to get back at the woman, to hurt her or "show her who's boss." I certainly hope you would not do that. I hope she wouldn't, either. If you honestly think she will give the dog a good him and treat him well and be good to him, perhaps you'd be better off just leaving him with her and moving on from this chapter in your life completely.

 
Old 06-18-2011, 02:44 AM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend traits

Yes in the past there have been incidents when we have argued a lot and there have been isolated incidents such as pushing, shoving, grabbing etc! I know it's wrong but they were mostly alcohol fuelled (still doesn't make it right I know).

On the day in question when I found out she was having a relationship with my "best friend", I admit that I assaulted her once in the heat of the moment! I admitted this instantly to the police a few days later and told them I was regretful but she only went to the police 3 days later when she knew that I was going to find out 110% the extent of this affair! Whilst I was at work, she went to the police and told them the truth, exaggerated some of the story and completely fabricated other parts!

Over the few months when she was involved with my best friend (she still is by the way), I took him under my roof when he split up with his ex to make sure he was ok and made sure he didn't want for anything! If she was so scared off me why was she doing what she was doing behind my back and right under my nose in my own house? Knowing I could find out anytime?

She has always been a liar and new thins have come to light that suggest she may be a thief too. I have also since heard a story that would suggest she has cheated on me before and had been using cocaine (only on nights out with friends.)

I admit that I have a bad temper and have fuelled many of our arguments over the years but she knows I would never go too far as I always showed remorse right after. I never beat her, it was always stupid things like a push and a shove. That doesn't make it right I know that! However, with those character traits I have outlined, do you think there is a correlation with this behaviour of having a relationship behind my back and right under my nose with my best friend, then when getting caught going to the police and not fully telling the truth? To finish, I will give you an example of one of her allegations that I have now been charged with;

FALSE IMPRISONMENT: She says I kept her against her will for over 2 days at our house and she tried to escape, but I wouldn't let her go! She says I didn't leave the house either!

My evidence is I was at work both days and have many witness statements to prove I was at work. I was also at a funeral. I was at the bank. I was at cash cash machines. She was out in her car with me too for god's sake! I can prove all this.

Why has she lied so blatantly? Does she like my "best friend" and hate me that much? And she knows all the times before he cheated on his ex girlfriend, who she was also friendly with! It's a crazy situation and I know I have played my part somewhere in it without doubt, but I am really worried about her state of mind and has it always been in her....

Thank you to everyone who read and replied.

 
Old 06-18-2011, 06:22 AM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend traits

Her state of mind is no longer your concern, plain and simple. It's not your business, and even if there were something wrong with her mental state, you are not the one in the position to do anything about it anyway. You trying to see her, claiming she's crazy, she needs help, and you have to talk to her to help her, etc. will only make your own situation worse. It will make you look like a stalker, the violent, crazy ex boyfriend who can't, won't let go, who is fixated and unpredictable, and who might even try to hurt or kill her. Don't help her case by making her put a restraining order out on you. The best thing you can do now is leave her alone.

It's a matter of where to focus your mental energy. Right now you're focused on the wrong things. How could she do this, why would she do this, what's really going on between the two of them, etc. What you should be focused on is getting good, solid legal advice to address the charges against you, gathering proof for your defense, and wrapping your mind around the fact that it's over, go through the grieving process of the relationship beint over, and moving on and getting past it. That's where your attention needs to be directed.

Well, I'm glad you never actually hit her, but the common mistake that most people who have anger issues make, is saying "at least I never...she knows I would never go TOO far...." well, no, she doesn't. The thing about abuse is, it can escalate, and the victim of the abuse never really knows how bad it's going to get. Even the threat of the violence possibly getting worse is considered abuse in and of itself. That's why even pushing, shoving, arm grabbing, even getting in someone's face and yelling, these are unacceptable. It's scary and threatening. Again, I recommend counseling, anger mananement, learning how to relate and communicate in a more healthy, mature manner, and getting past this. Let her do whatever she's going to do with her life, you don't have the business or the position to "save" her from her own choices, you get on with your life.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-18-2011 at 06:25 AM.

 
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Old 06-18-2011, 08:54 AM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend traits

Abusers ALWAYS say they are sorry after, and they ALWAYS think the woman should forgive them just because they said they are sorry. And they ALWAYS do it again. Then apologize. Etc., etc. Oh, and they ALWAYS say the woman brought it on somehow because she did this or that.

Until you get out of the mind set of "I know it was wrong, BUT...", then you should just stay away from her and don't worry about what she's thinking. What YOU are thinking should be your primary concern, because staying in the mindset you currently have will stay with you into your next relationship. If you can find some help to get you thinking and acting in a healthier way, that will be good for you and for whomever you are involved with next.

Tell the court you realize you were wrong and that you accept your responsibility and you'd like some counseling. Perhaps since this is your first arrest they will allow you a probationary period with counseling as the requirement.

 
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:22 AM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend traits

Sounds like you both wasnt happy and compatiable. Your main concern should be how to put your life back together after the break up. I dont think you should contact her in anyway as thats giving her ammo to use against you. If you want the dog back you would have to find some other way of getting it back without direct contact with her. You may never ever know why shes done this , its pointless questioning it the relationships over and by the sounds of it its probably for the best aswell. You have a chance to move on and when your ready and stable enough you could find someone new who won't cheat, lie , or over exaggerate things just to look like the poor victim (unless she is a real abused victim).

Block her and the ex best friend from your life , they are both no good.

 
Old 06-18-2011, 10:31 AM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend traits

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
Tell the court you realize you were wrong and that you accept your responsibility and you'd like some counseling. Perhaps since this is your first arrest they will allow you a probationary period with counseling as the requirement.
I agree with this 100%.

Your focus right now is all wrong. You should be focusing on getting through court and making sure you don't end up in prison. That's your only priority right now.

As for all of these questions you asked about her - why she did this, why she did that, why she said xyz, etc - none of that matters. It's not important at all. The only important thing right now is your self-preservation. The best thing you can do for yourself is completely cut both of them out of your life and move on with your life.

 
Old 06-18-2011, 10:49 AM   #9
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Re: Girlfriend traits

Thank u to everyone who replied I really appreciate it!

 
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