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Old 06-28-2011, 06:16 AM   #31
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Even if you had - by accident - enjoyed the sex you had with him, he was selfish and violent and trying to "seduce" you. Please don't think it is ALL your fault. It isn't. He was just using you again. He thinks that by giving you this kind of sex, he'll be giving you enough to be satisfied and to keep your mouth shut.

Ok, you gave him three days and you want to keep your word about this. But don't change your mind about the divorce, because if you do, you will be deceiving yourself again. The longer you take to get rid of him, the harder it will be to get rid of him. Or if you prefer "sweeter" terms: to set both of you free.

There will be some pain with the divorce, of course. You may even think you will be missing him, but in fact you will be missing your dream about having a nice and responsible husband. It is not about him, it is about your dream.

You are entitled to move on and to keep trying to make this dream come true with another man.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-28-2011 at 05:58 PM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed.

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 06:58 AM   #32
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

wow you have certainly put up with a lot and held things together as best you can! But I think now it sounds as if you are ready to say enoughs enough and to move on. It sounds as if you desperately want to create a lovely family environment and are prepared to do anything to fight for it . but i think sometimes relationships , married or otherwise, are past that point. Only you can know what you truly want.
My relationshio broke up when I was pregnant and I thought it was the worst timing ever and all the practicalities alone almost made me want to stay, and then he left me! but now me and my daughter have such a strong bond and I am a strong person without her dad who was never right for me and who wouldve weakened me and make me unhappy and insecure. your mum sounds like a strong female role too and I think she wants you to be happy more than anything. Marriage and happiness dont come hand in hand and it takes a good man to make you happy, not someone who uses you and wont answer simple questions and compromise with you. as women we always seem to people please to make things good even when we shouldnt be. but its only when we demand respect that we get it.
i suggest you tell your husband you want couples counselling and to give things one last go and expect his best efforts,
and if he wont, then you need to brush yourself off and walk away. its hard but its so worth it.
I am now with a man who is right for me after someone who wasnt, and it makes so much difference to you as a person. You deserve the best and if he wont give you that, someone else will. Just dont give up on your dreams.! xxx

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 07:08 AM   #33
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katy1978 View Post
...
...

i suggest you tell your husband you want couples counselling and to give things one last go and expect his best efforts,
and if he wont, then you need to brush yourself off and walk away. its hard but its so worth it.
Well, this is not a bad idea, but who is going to pay for the counselling? You alone? Then it is not fair. But what to do if he can't pay for it too?

A good counsellor - and one may be too hard to find - will probably want to talk to each of you privately and hear the complaints from both sides.

I don't know if counselling is common in your country. Anyway, I think it is better for the counselling you choose to be neutral and free from religion.

 
Old 06-28-2011, 09:44 AM   #34
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

The thing with counselling aswell is it can be a long waiting till you see one (paid or free) due to lots of people going for it unless its quick over there. He may treat you still like crap till you eventually get to see a counsellor.

He just had sex with you , paid you small bit of attention to keep you quiet for longer , no doubt he will go back to his old ways. Do you believe he will change and stick to these compromises? Thing is you should not even have to ask to see and spend time with your husband.

In my opinion hes blown it , i suggest still to walk away and find someone who can make you happy , respect and appreciate both yourself and your kind big hearted mother. He really doesnt know how lucky he is.

Its totally upto you its your life and always do what feels right for you.

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 10:05 AM   #35
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

its way past time to move on if you werent giving him all the perks you are,he would have been gone a long time ago,time to move on to someone who is ready to be considerate of your needs.he certainly isnt interested in your needs at all.

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 04:43 PM   #36
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

I agree with the other posters but just wanted to add that he is who he is. You are who you are. These changes in his behavior are just temporary to appease you. He's eventually going to go back to who he is and do the same thing over and over unless you decide to end it.

Life is tough at times but you need to be strong for yourself and for your mother. He's going try to break you down so just remind yourself that you deserve to be happy and that you deserve better!

Good luck!

 
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Old 06-30-2011, 11:28 PM   #37
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

How are you fjeeva? I keep looking in to see that you are well and ok...I worry if I dont see a post, but ofcourse you will be fine...how are things coming along?

 
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Old 07-04-2011, 06:18 AM   #38
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Hi everyone
Thank you all for your wonderful replies, concerns, advice and support.
My mum went for an operation (skin grafting post 2nd degree burns) so I was occupied with that. Its been a week since the unwanted 'sex' episode and divorce talk.
After the sex episode I spoke to him and said that I need space to make the decision so it would be better if he went to stay at his friends for a week so I could make my mind up clearly and also since mum was going for the op , I could deal with that first. He agreed and stayed 2 nights the 3rd day was mums op and he was calling me the entire day, sweet words, hows mum? dont worry etc..I never ever got so much concen and suppport from him ever in this past year, anyway the Thursday night he came back , said pplease just let me stay while your mum is not well, you guys are alone etc..i wont bother you and take your time and make the deciosn. Since then till today he is still at home, we sleep separate. But he constantly texts me during the day, to say have a good day, i miss you , i love you..Its just irritating now more than confusing. I agree with everyone , this is just a new tactic now to get me to change my mind and I really really want to stick to my plan. Mums doing well now again, so its decison time by the end of this week. He said we should call all my family (mums sister and her kids) and then I should announce my decision to all and then he will agree to evrythig. But I must admit he is doing everything emotionally possible to change my way of thinking..texts, calls, brings home chocolates, overall concern, asking me if I need a massage, did I have a hard day at work? Telling me not to cook if Im tired , he will buy food!!! Its impossible to be angry when he is being ultra and super sweet and nice...but I just have to keep in mind that as soon as I submit (I am in danger of doing justt that, can feel myself softening a fraction), he WILL return to the monster he is.
Please all, keep me in prayers, ask God to give me strenght and help me take this man out of my life before I get caught in his web once again.

 
Old 07-04-2011, 06:24 AM   #39
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

If you want to give it another go tell him LAST CHANCE and no more horrible treatment from before , and it goes at your pace and to take things slow. Be wary and careful though. If he turns into a monster again, instantly leave.

If you truly dont want him, then divorce him.

Glad to hear back from you though and hope your lovely mum makes a full and fast recovery.

Last edited by cryingforever; 07-04-2011 at 01:56 PM.

 
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Old 07-05-2011, 10:05 AM   #40
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

yes, the danger is being too cynical, it is possible he realises that you have drawn the line and wont settle for the rot,and lifted his game, but its entirely possible its just temporary too. wonder how long he can keep it up? 1 month? the true measure of his enduring love??? this you must consider. I bet after 2 weeks his nice guy act will start to falter....then you will know if its an act, or true repentence. Perhaps you could buy a little time with excuses about your mum, or fake some migraines and say you cant think, wait for a couple of weeks at least, see how he is handling it, is he being pushy, frustrated, demanding, starting to be the same old way?? then you will see if its an act, and you can beat him at his own game...he MAY be genuine,,,,,,or not..

Last edited by nightingale00; 07-05-2011 at 10:06 AM.

 
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Old 07-05-2011, 10:34 AM   #41
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

I still think you deserve better. Hes telling you he loves you , but if he did then no way would he of ever treated you like crap. Its simple you dont treat people you love or care about like crap. I wouldnt even treat a stranger in the street like that.

I believe he will go back to his old ways. Hope i am wrong though if you do give him a 2nd and final chance.

When someone truly loves someone they could never in a million years hurt them deliberately and they would make a instant change if they said or did something wrong. They would treat there partner like they are the most important thing in the world. Never want to see them unhappy, never want to cause them a single tear, never want to cause them any harm.

I feel like this above towards my boyfriend. I am devoted to him and love him to bits.

You deserve all that above too, but i doubt you'll get this from him. In my opinion hes still blown it, but its totally up to you if you want to stay with him its your life , your marriage, your feelings and wellbeing.

Last edited by cryingforever; 07-05-2011 at 10:34 AM.

 
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:13 PM   #42
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Hi, I am half Japanese and was adopted by a full Japanese family. My mom died when I was 12 and I stayed with my dad until I was 18 years old. I understand your loyalty to your mother and have read all your posts. Please do not get pregnant by this man and find a way to get the priests to come and eat with you and shame your husband and get a divorce. He will not change and is only acting nice and loving but his character has not changed and he does not respect you nor your mother. You need to take charge and not give him your car or your home nor your food. I understand how you feel. I married a man and saw many red flags which means lots of things he did that I shouldn't have married him. He was selfish, angry, blaming me for everything, critical and unloving. I would cry all the time yet I wanted to make my marriage work. I had three sons and then finally had enough. My sons have suffered from my leaving them with their dad since I didn't have a job and took care of them. I made a bad mistake. Don't have any children with this man and please find a way to leave him. He doesn't love you. He only wants what he wants and was scared that you gave him an ultimatum. Most couples who love each other and marry want to spend time with one another. If they don't, something is wrong. You haven't done anything wrong and you need to be strong and stand up and be respected. You are a honorable and intelligent young woman and he has taken advantage of you and your mom. Please listen to those who want you to leave. It is not your fault the kind of character he is. Best wishes and I hope you do the right thing. Don't let him manipulate or control you and don't trust him.

 
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Old 07-05-2011, 01:39 PM   #43
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It never ceasess to amaze me how much we are willing to give up for the sake of being with someone ... ANYONE....

simply put... NO ONE'S LOVE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR OWN...... all the other stuff just doesn't matter... Walk out and don't look back; the quicker you remove yourself, the quicker you can open your heart to TRUE happiness...

WOW! Pack everything you can fit in your car and leave... don't look back... all that writing and excuse... bottom line... one sentence: You're abused and unhappy.

You can support yourself... so do that... walk out and don't look back...

NO ONE'S LOVE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR OWN...
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Life... it's what happens while you're planning for it.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-06-2011 at 12:38 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
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Old 07-06-2011, 06:20 AM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by renko View Post
Hi, I am half Japanese and was adopted by a full Japanese family. My mom died when I was 12 and I stayed with my dad until I was 18 years old. I understand your loyalty to your mother and have read all your posts. Please do not get pregnant by this man and find a way to get the priests to come and eat with you and shame your husband and get a divorce. He will not change and is only acting nice and loving but his character has not changed and he does not respect you nor your mother. You need to take charge and not give him your car or your home nor your food. I understand how you feel. I married a man and saw many red flags which means lots of things he did that I shouldn't have married him. He was selfish, angry, blaming me for everything, critical and unloving. I would cry all the time yet I wanted to make my marriage work. I had three sons and then finally had enough. My sons have suffered from my leaving them with their dad since I didn't have a job and took care of them. I made a bad mistake. Don't have any children with this man and please find a way to leave him. He doesn't love you. He only wants what he wants and was scared that you gave him an ultimatum. Most couples who love each other and marry want to spend time with one another. If they don't, something is wrong. You haven't done anything wrong and you need to be strong and stand up and be respected. You are a honorable and intelligent young woman and he has taken advantage of you and your mom. Please listen to those who want you to leave. It is not your fault the kind of character he is. Best wishes and I hope you do the right thing. Don't let him manipulate or control you and don't trust him.
Renko, thank you so much for your response. I totally agree with you. You have analysed my situation so accurately and correctly. Thank you for the courage and strenght. Since he is playing the nice guy, im just waiting for him to slip up once more so I can tell him, plesae get out.
I totally agree, bringing a child into this mess, is not a good idea at all. I am on birth control and I do not want to bring his child ever and tie me down to him. Besides any child needs and deserves a strong, honorable and respectful father, and he is definitely not going to be that.
Thank you for sharing your story, hearing about others makes me feel like im not alone in this thing.
I will keep you updated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alone in Vegas View Post
It never ceasess to amaze me how much we are willing to give up for the sake of being with someone ... ANYONE....

simply put... NO ONE'S LOVE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR OWN...... all the other stuff just doesn't matter... Walk out and don't look back; the quicker you remove yourself, the quicker you can open your heart to TRUE happiness...
Alone in Vegas...
Thank you for the courage. My mum says these words to me evry day.."Love yourself more than anyone else" coz nobody is worth giving up anything for.

Please keep me in your thoughts. I sooo want him out of my life, he has killed any feelings I had with his horrible attitude and behaviour, its just that hes playing the total opposite now "Mr Nice Guy" so sweet, but I know its a farce, he knows that if hes so good , how can I leave him and once Im in his web agaaihe will go back to his real self. But I just feel stifled and stuck/
Im a pushover and soft person and often hurt myself instead of others, and even though I know he is LYING when hes being so sweet now, I just cant find it in myself to kick him out when hes sweet.
I kinda wish he can be horrible again so that its easier for me to leave and tell him to go.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-06-2011 at 12:38 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
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Old 07-06-2011, 06:29 AM   #45
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Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Hi, I'm so glad you are remaining strong and standing your ground and deserving respect. I was an only child too and loved my mom very much and I'm so glad you have your mom in your life. I like you was very shy and not very confident in myself and my marriage sexually was not satisfying either but I tried to make it work by doing everything for my husband and children. I remarried an older man who loves me and tried to please me sexually and emotionally and never criticized me or blamed me for things. I have become a stronger person inside and I reach out to others who I can talk to because most people are shy and afraid of others. I hope you continue to get encouragement from men and women on this forum and that you live a full and fulfilling life. I look forward to your updates and I'm so thankful that you are not having a child with this man. You want a husband who is a good father, provider and honorable and good to your children, mom and you. You have achieved a lot in your life and deserve to be treated respectfully and honorably. Anyone who ignores a person or is a non-confronter in a relationship is a person who needs counseling and help in their life. Take care. Best to your mother and you.

 
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