It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-06-2011, 06:36 AM   #46
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 145
fjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB User
Crying forever and nightingale

Thank you so much. You are like my sisters in a way.
Your constant support and encouragement really helps, you have no idea how much.
My mum is recovering well thanks, she cannot move her left hand for 2 weeks so I need to hekp her bathe, comb her hair dress all that. Thanks for the wishes.

I have asked God and looked within myself and I really and truly dont want him in my life anymore. I dont have the strenght to go through it all again and for the rest of my life. He will never change, I know this is all only temporary. Im taking your advice nightingale and just playing for time,...Im waiting for him to make a small slip up again so I can tell him, this is it, Out right now, He is being very shrewd at the moment and being over over and super sweet, its actually a joke. but for the benefit of the doubt Im just waiting to see, if he has changed he will stay like this forever, if not he is bound to make a mistake again, say something horrible again, do something wicked again. If he is just pretending than his real self will surface again soon.

I actually wish he does somethung bad again soon so I have a current excuse to tell him to go. I just cant do it while he is being so sweet. Im a pushover by nature and just too soft..I know I need to wake up and be more firm and stern and stand up for myself but I think I am improving just by asking him for a divorce, is something I would never have done, the old me would have carried on and on and on...

I attribute my small improvements to this Board and posters that gave me courage to atleast speak up. Atleast now he knows I can stand up for myself.
He is trying another tactic now, bt I know God will show me the truth.
Please pray its soon. Id rather be alone and free then in this cage where Im scared of him all the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by baffomet View Post
I agree with the other posters but just wanted to add that he is who he is. You are who you are. These changes in his behavior are just temporary to appease you. He's eventually going to go back to who he is and do the same thing over and over unless you decide to end it.

Life is tough at times but you need to be strong for yourself and for your mother. He's going try to break you down so just remind yourself that you deserve to be happy and that you deserve better!

Good luck!
Baffomet
Thank you for your comments. That is a very intelligent and I think correct analysis of him. He is who is ..thats what Ive been telling myself, he could not have changed overnight. This is a pretense because he changed so suddenly. I know I deserve happiness ..im craving real love, real happiness.
I know I would do my best in any relationship, I hope I oneday can find that same honesty, love and understanding reciprocated.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-06-2011 at 12:39 PM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-06-2011, 06:43 AM   #47
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 269
renko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Yes, I wish I had this forum when I was your age but my good friend told me to keep trying with my husband and I tried and prayed and cried and was so miserable. I know a lot of my emotional problems was losing my mom at a young age and wanting to be loved and cherished by my husband. I would have done anything for him but he didn't show me love and respect and thought of himself and never changed. He has only gotten more women to be in his life to blame, criticize and leave him too. Your husband won't change and he is using a different tactic but he has a good thing, having a home he doesn't have to pay for, food to eat and clothing and I know God will answer your prayers and give you wisdom and strength. You are like a daughter to me because my youngest son will be 30 in December. Please be careful of him and protect yourself and your mom. In the US we have restraining orders to keep a person from our home. I know all things will work out but keep strong and keep in touch with all of us on the forum who truly care about you. How did you end up in South Africa? Where are you and your mom from originally? Take care.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-07-2011)
Old 07-06-2011, 07:19 AM   #48
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

You can still leave the relationship even if he is been sweet and kind. You can simply tell him something like ''I have given it alot of thought but i just dont feel the same anymore and i want to move on , what we once had is now gone'' .....then ask for the divorce.

Its almost like hes trapping you with his nicey nicey but you should not have to mention divorce in order for him to change he should of loved and respected you in the first place.

Glad you and your mums okay. I am glad i have helped you a little. People care about you and others on this board.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-07-2011)
Old 07-06-2011, 09:52 AM   #49
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,712
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
You can still leave the relationship even if he is been sweet and kind. You can simply tell him something like ''I have given it alot of thought but i just dont feel the same anymore and i want to move on , what we once had is now gone'' .....then ask for the divorce.

Its almost like hes trapping you with his nicey nicey but you should not have to mention divorce in order for him to change he should of loved and respected you in the first place.

Glad you and your mums okay. I am glad i have helped you a little. People care about you and others on this board.
Yeah, I agree with Crying. You can always leave this marriage (or have him leave it) even if he is being super nice.

Hmmm, I am under the impression that you are hesitating and that if he really behaves well with you, you will keep him by your side... I know it is almost like a shot in the dark. What if he is really changing or at least making an effort to change? Everything is possible, but the real chances are that he is only being an actor.

In my mind, though I may be wrong, you need a quick decision: either say you want a divorce right now or take him to couple therapy (that is, give him a last chance); don't accept him only because he is behaving well.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to pendulum For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-07-2011)
Old 07-06-2011, 10:19 AM   #50
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 269
renko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

I tend to agree with the women who are giving you advise. It is better to be proactive than reactive. It seems like you are waiting to see if he misbehaves and he is on his best behavior. You seem to be miserable so you have a choice to make. It doesn't matter how "good" he is acting, if you want him out and you have lost all feelings for him, tell him to leave and divorce you. Someone has to change the course of your marriage and I think like the woman above that he is being a good actor and it won't last. If you still care about him then get counseling but waiting until he misbehaves may be a while since he has everything he could ever want. He may even live without intimacy with you. I wish you the very best and I know making a decision is making a choice in changing your life for the better. Take care.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-07-2011)
Old 07-06-2011, 10:22 AM   #51
Senior Member
(female)
 
Alone in Vegas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 120
Alone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

every day... every minute you stay with him YOU are ALLOWING him to do and behave as he chooses. He doesn't own you, you seem self sufficient. Walk out the door and dont look back. Until YOU have had enough, you'll be here typing about what he's done to you. You cannot fault him for being himself. If you leave right this minute, the world YOUR world will not come to an end.

I know right now its a big pity party for you but sorry. Only you have the power to change your life and until YOU do, you'll be just another woman existing and not living.... utilizing only PART if any of your potential for a good life. Honey, life is too short and the longer you stay with him, the less time you have to share your life with someone who deseves you.

If there no children, there is NOTHING in that house that you can't replace if you leave, they are ONLY THINGS. Walk out and don't look back, until you don't you cannot blame ANYONE not even him for your life, YOU allowed it. I wish you courage. But self-pity... nope, I don't have any to give.

Read my tag line. "Life, it's what's happening, while you're planning it!
__________________
Life... it's what happens while you're planning for it.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Alone in Vegas For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-07-2011)
Old 07-06-2011, 10:29 AM   #52
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 269
renko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

I don't think you can walk out of the house your mother owns. You need to ask him to sign a form or bring your priests and then ask for a divorce and have him say it three times if that is your custom and tell him to pack his bags and leave. He seems to have friends he spends lots of time with on Sundays so he should have a place to go and if not, it is not your responsibility. He has worn out you and your mom's hospitality and a decision can be made. Life is short and you are young so please let this guy go. You are the one holding your future.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-07-2011)
Old 07-06-2011, 09:14 PM   #53
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: LaLa Land
Posts: 26
Landaks HB UserLandaks HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

I think I have different thoughts than others.

Maybe you should think why you guys were married in the first place.
Is divorce really the best option to your problem?

Why don't you try to get out of it without getting divorce? why don't you just let him be himself? why don't you just try to be yourself and don't think about what a year of marriage should be?

If I were you, and he is treating me that way.. yes, I will feel miserable, confuse.. then I will pray to God to give me strength to be patient. I will not put any expectation on him anymore, but I will try my best.

I will not asking him, that we should do this, we should do that coz we are married. I think the most important thing is we both grown up together in this relationship. It doesn't matter how everybody doing their marriage like, but my marriage have our own uniqueness.

I will be myself, let him doing what he wants, and I can also doing what I want, enjoy your life more, love yourself more. Then, after a while, ask him time to talk about it with you. ask him what he wants, and considering again why he proposed to you in the first place, discuss why you both getting married in the first place, find the direction, compromise each other.

A marriage or a relationship means two people, two character in one direction.

Maybe after married, you both have forgotten to be yourself again instead of thinking that if you guys married you should do this or that together.. and I think.. nah.. you both can have your own style of marriage, maybe you were getting married too fast, you both haven't had time to be with or grow up together as a best friend, couples, partners yet. Coz I think in a relationship, we have to build trust, respect, honesty, communication, support, compromise, care with each other.

Now, your marriage seems like a disaster coz of that fast forward thing, then why don't both of you step back.. and be just like a couple, or boyfriend and girlfriend again? you don't have to get divorce thou.

build that what you have missed with each other. be yourself again (as you said you are independent, working, etc).. let everything go, just believe in GOD, and Don't worry everything will be alright. Don't ever depend on someone else unless GOD and yourself. let him be him, let you be you. Loving someone is not about having him, but to love is to let go.

If GOD put you to it, He will make you through it.

If Marriage is what people say have to be always together, doesn't mean it should always be together. Jeezz.. everybody is different.

Goodluck dear.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Landaks For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-07-2011)
Old 07-07-2011, 05:45 AM   #54
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 269
renko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

I agree with what you are saying about trusting God and being the best you can be in a marriage but it takes two to tango or make a marriage and if on the day that you are off, you go and spend time with friends and not take your wife or husband and stay with your friends for hours at a time, I think there is a problem in your marriage and communication. I tried to stay in a marriage for years with children and my husband doing his own thing and we had nothing in common except the children. But eventually I realized that I was doing most of the work in the marriage and in the home and he was not contributing anything but his finances which I was thankful for but a relationship for life should come together and have the similar likes or times together to talk and enjoy each other's company. It rarely ever happened in my marriage no matter how much I prayed. I made a decision and choice to leave the situation and now I am so much happier and have a quality of life. I know it is your opinion but sometimes thinks don't work out. I don't believe in divorce either but sometimes a couple needs help to bring them together and if one chooses not to communicate then it is like hitting your head against a wall. Take care.

 
Old 07-07-2011, 08:31 AM   #55
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 451
BigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

My opinion is that if you decide that you do want to see if perhaps he is willing to change his behavior, that you call your religious leader and arrange counseling sessions. Your husband must be willing to attend the counseling sessions with you and to actively participate in them. If he is not willing to attend sessions or does go to the sessions but does not really participate, you have your answer.

I imagine that both of you have parts in the failure of your relationship so far. It's rarely simply one person's "fault". And laying blame doesn't help, so saying "fault" is really not a good idea. If your religious leader is a good counselor, or if your church or community has a good counselor, you both will benefit immensely from the counseling IF you both actively participate and take ownership of whatever behavior is contributing to the issues.

If your decision is that you have lost all feelings that you initially had and you believe he won't be willing to change or that you can't trust him anymore, then you need to make a quick end to it. Dragging it out doesn't help anyone. Both of you deserve to either work together to develop a great relationship with compromises on both sides, or to be free to find someone who can give you what you want.

Neither decision is wrong - you are the one who is in the situation and is the best person to make decisions for your life. Just try to overcome your innate need to give to another, and love yourself. (I suspect that some of your need to be loved stems from lack of father growing up and a counselor can help you with that.)

You sound like a very nice, friendly and caring woman who deserves to be happy. After hearing different opinions and contemplating all sides as best you can, make the decision that works for you and stick with it.

I lived the life for 16 years - believing he will change his behaviors, thinking it's all my fault, changing my behaviors, counseling, leaving, trying again - it did not work in my case as ultimately he had no desire to make any compromises or to contribute to our relationship. He wanted life on his own terms and no one else's opinion mattered. But what mattered to me was that I gave it every chance I felt I could - though I stayed WAY too long and gave up precious years of my life. I'm now with a wonderful man, not perfect but perfect for me, who treats me as I deserve to be treated and shares in the daily load including cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. We do things together as a family and make decisions together regarding the household. You can have a great life - just decide what you want and go for it. You may also consider counseling just for yourself to learn more about your need to give and any other issues you feel you may like help with. It did wonders for me!

 
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to BigRed54 For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-12-2011), Landaks (07-11-2011), pendulum (07-07-2011)
Old 07-10-2011, 04:13 PM   #56
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Any update hun? Hope your well and okay and most of all happy.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-12-2011)
Old 07-12-2011, 04:00 AM   #57
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 145
fjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Hi All

Thanks again to everyone for your encouraging and wonderful posts.
An update..things are as they were last week with him being sickly sweet to the point where im getting diabetes from it...!
Im taking advice as per nightingale and just playing for time, seeing his reactions and if he is really genuine or what.

It however dawned on me yesterday why he is being so extra nice as well, I just got my paycheck last week and Mister has the gall to ask me on Friday night..how much did I get this month??? I didnt say a word I jst said my money is my business (not as harshly) more as a joke and I gave him my share of the utilities to pay. Only lights and water, petrol, domestic garden everyything I had to pay myself ..he didnt offer and since the whole divorce talk I felt it stupid to ask for anything, he always pays the lights and water bill so I just gave him half.= and he took it.
Another thing bothering me is that why he wants to stay married, he is not a resident of SA, he has moved here 10 years ago but still in process of applying for residency through work permit etc. But being married to a resident weighs extra on his application so maybe he just wants to stay married for his residency and after that he will leave..I know that he has an interview on 23 august, so im thinking that maybe hes one up of me and hes playing for time too.

I dont know if Im correct or not, I dont want to judge him wrongly if its not that but there is just no way of knowing about that.
Like I said still praying for DIVINE help, to get me out of this situation.
I hate being such a non confrontational person and push over. I wish I could jst go home and say please leave. I guess I need all your prayers to get this courage and grow a backbone!

 
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: fjeeva001
cryingforever (07-12-2011), pendulum (07-12-2011)
Old 07-12-2011, 06:32 AM   #58
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,712
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

As I see it, it doesn't matter any longer who made mistakes in this relationship and if restoring the bond, if ever there was a bond, is feasible. It is clear (to me) that both of you already know that the relationship has been exhausted and that in your case, your peace of mind is much more important now than any residual feeling you might still have for him and any mutual effort that you would both employ to make the relationship work. I think it is only a question of time until you part from each other and go different ways. I think it is your style to do things gradually rather than rushing into actions and decisions. I wish you serenity to deal with this "difficult" moment in your life...

 
The Following User Says Thank You to pendulum For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (07-12-2011)
Old 07-12-2011, 06:36 AM   #59
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 145
fjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Pendulum
Thanks for this accurate insight. You are absolutely correct. I know in my heart that this is going to end its inevitable, whethe now or in 10yrs time, there is no future (If there ever was)
You are right I take things gradually (im a coward of sorts) but I thank you for your wishes and I hope this all ends sooner rather than later so I (and he) can have a real chance at love , marriage, kids and life

 
Old 07-12-2011, 09:46 AM   #60
Senior Member
(female)
 
Alone in Vegas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 120
Alone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB UserAlone in Vegas HB User
Re: Really depressed.need advice contemplating asking for divorce/separation today (l

Quote:
Originally Posted by fjeeva001 View Post
Pendulum
Thanks for this accurate insight. You are absolutely correct. I know in my heart that this is going to end its inevitable, whethe now or in 10yrs time, there is no future (If there ever was)
You are right I take things gradually (im a coward of sorts) but I thank you for your wishes and I hope this all ends sooner rather than later so I (and he) can have a real chance at love , marriage, kids and life
If I may ask a question: "why are you willing to waste 10 years of your life in a relationship you KNOW is going to end?"
__________________
Life... it's what happens while you're planning for it.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Alone in Vegas For This Useful Post:
fjeeva001 (12-01-2011)
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Really needing some thoughts. 99Z51 Relationship Health 8 12-15-2010 12:21 PM
Need help chester1984 Relationship Health 4 05-25-2009 08:05 AM
Need some advice am I wrong or not? fiddlesticks Relationship Health 18 05-24-2008 02:27 PM
stuck in a really bad marriage robigibou Relationship Health 31 02-09-2008 05:14 PM
Divorcing and Depressed ChanceFL Relationship Health 7 01-06-2008 05:58 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:35 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!