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Old 06-26-2011, 02:39 PM   #1
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need help don't know what to do.

Please bare with me this is my first time posting to a site like this but I do not know what to do. I am not sure what my problem is and no one else seems to get it. Let me start at the beginning. I am I guess you would say very depressed and angry I can't really pinpoint where it started but I will give you an idea. About 9 years ago I had a falling out with my family long story but alot of my family doesn't talk to each other. But this was around the time my wife and I were planning our wedding. This caused basically all of my family to not come to my wedding. Another issue is that the wedding put me deeply into debt something that I have been battling to this day. Now before the wedding my wife was working as a hairdresser making decent money. But not too long before the wedding she lost her job. With the wedding coming very soon I told her to not worry about work until after we returned from our honeymoon. Well in the 6 years since with the exception of a few failed attempts she hasn't consistently returned to work. From what she has told me and what I have looked up on the internet it appears she has adult separation anxiety that has progressively gotten worse over the years. She would call or text me at work so many times that if I didn't get back to her she would be freaking out. This happened so much that it eventually cost me my job of 10 years. The boss said I was too distracted by my home life to work. I am still on unemployment and I am worried it could run out anytime. Now that I have been home my wife literally follows me around the house all the time if I go to take out garbage or walk in the other room she is right behind me. The only time I am alone is when I am in the bathroom. It drives me crazy not that I do not love my wife but never being apart day or night makes us fight. Oh yeah I forgot to mention since the large amount of debt we are in we live with her parents which has its own problems. Sometimes when I really need a break I will go outside and I have to actually say to her I need to be alone. That makes me feel terrible because I can tell it hurts her feelings. I actually get panic attacks thinking about everything. I really just want to be able to get a job that will be a career and have her get a job so that we can dig out of this hole. I do not have the money or insurance to be able to talk to someone and I do not have any family to talk to and the friends I do have I do not have any private time to be able to talk about any problems I have. I have only included half of my problems but I didn't want to take up any more time. I just wish their was a way I could talk to someone cause I can't take much more. Thank you for your time.

 
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Old 06-30-2011, 07:06 AM   #2
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

No wonder you are stressed and have panic attacks.
You are dealing with a lot of problems and losing your job means you no longer have more than 10 minutes alone.
What do her parents have to say about her behaviour? Could they pay for some type of therapy?
Can your wife not join a forum so she can maybe talk to others and find a solution?
Have you tried talking to her so you can find out what her fears are exactly? Maybe you could start doing small things apart such as going to the shop or park.

 
Old 06-30-2011, 01:21 PM   #3
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Even when I did work she would text or call me constantly. I am very afraid to go get another job because of this happening again. Her family sees it happen and will make joking comments about it when they see her following me around. When I try to talk to her about it once or twice she admitted to it but most of the time she has an excuse for why she had to be right where I am. I don't know it is literally driving me crazy. Whats worse is I don't have anyone to talk to about it I am so far in debt that I can't afford therapy and her family doesn't have money for it either. I have a few friends that I have tried to talk to but no one really understands the situation. Trying to talk about it is difficult. It's hard to explain even though I am completly smootherd by people I feel totally alone. This is the biggest conv. I have had about this thank you so much for replying having someone to talk to feels good

 
Old 06-30-2011, 01:44 PM   #4
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

tell your wife to knock it off.....if you wanted to be followed from room to room you'd get a puppy.......
you're afraid to work because she will call incessantly and you will lose your job? tell her that.....and tell her you will call her on your break or on lunch and that's it....if she calls every 5 minutes you will not be available to talk.
are you willing to give up everything just to be available to her 24/7 ?
if she's that insecure you might want to re-think this marriage....
where can it get you? unless you want to spend the rest of your lives living with her parents because you can't work and can't get out on your own.....that doesn't sound like much of a life.
you need to put your foot down

 
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Old 06-30-2011, 02:36 PM   #5
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

I agree with Rose: You should reconsider this marriage.

On the other hand, I would also suggest that you seek a job away from home, in another city or State, where you need to relocate.

You would first go alone. This might help you to "unstress" a bit. And then, when adequate, your wife would join you. And maybe in a different environment, she will feel more encouraged to find a job for herself.

Working is therapy.

But do you think she could afford to leave her parents and follow you?

 
Old 06-30-2011, 03:00 PM   #6
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Is your wife in treatment?? If not and you need a solution, maybe that can route to try?? Good luck :P

 
Old 06-30-2011, 03:07 PM   #7
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IDK77 View Post
Even when I did work she would text or call me constantly. I am very afraid to go get another job because of this happening again. Her family sees it happen and will make joking comments about it when they see her following me around. When I try to talk to her about it once or twice she admitted to it but most of the time she has an excuse for why she had to be right where I am. I don't know it is literally driving me crazy. Whats worse is I don't have anyone to talk to about it I am so far in debt that I can't afford therapy and her family doesn't have money for it either. I have a few friends that I have tried to talk to but no one really understands the situation. Trying to talk about it is difficult. It's hard to explain even though I am completly smootherd by people I feel totally alone. This is the biggest conv. I have had about this thank you so much for replying having someone to talk to feels good

The other p;osters are a bit harder than I am as I thought you still oved her and wanted her to change.
Do you want the marriage to end?
It's a shame you are in the US and unable to afford treatment.
You have to bite the bullet and decide the best way forward as living like this for much longer will make you ill.

 
Old 06-30-2011, 04:36 PM   #8
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

I agree with both of you absolutly. At my last job I didn't answer her and she actually called the office and had me paged saying it was an emergency. It is just the position I am in is a bad one. My family background is a bad one that I got out of. I literally don't talk to anyone in my family anymore. So that complicates things with the state of my finacial situation. I have thought long and hard about just leaving sometimes but the problem is I have no one to turn to even for a night. I just feel like I can't have a serious discussion with her especially not here. Then the other side of me says with the situation we are in if she isn't gonna pull her weight and get a job to help why should I. I know thats not realistic but thats just how I feel sometimes. I just wish I had a wife that could help contribute if I'm down I feel like I am in this alone. This person isn't the same person I married. Thank you it feels good to be able to talk to someone. One of these days when I have some time I will write about my family life maybe it will help you understand a little more about me growing up we didn't express our feelings we just held it in didn't address it and eventually it lead to none of us talking anymore. I see that I still hold in my feelings as an adult and it is really eating me up inside

 
Old 06-30-2011, 05:04 PM   #9
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Vanished - I am not sure what point I am at yet do I still love her - yes but I am just not sure if I am still just in love with the person I married which I know is not the same person I am married to now. I am afraid to push the issue too much because I have no one else. every time in my life when I have expressed how I really feel that person is gone goes away. Brief summary of my life. My brother is 10 years older then me when I was 12 he had a blowout with my parents and I didn't see or hear from him for about 15 years (about a year before my wedding) I hated him because as far as I knew made my mother upset and growing up you never talked about him around my parents. Well my one sister started talking to him and my mother found out and freaked out. I tried to stay out of it stay neutral but apparently not taking my mothers side was the wrong in her eyes. Which started to break down the relationship between my mother and I. I began talking to my brother and informed my mother that he would be coming to my wedding. Well I'm pretty sure you can see where this is going. So my mother somehow got the rest of the family aunts & uncles and cousins to not show up to our wedding. So after that I only talked to my brother and sister and since then I have had blowouts with both of them and no longer speak to either. I know that it sounds bad and reading this I would think that I must be the problem but in the longer version of my family history it makes sense that I just had to get away from these people and I wonder if that is why I am married to who I am married to and why I am the way I am. I don't know if any of that makes sense but hopefully it give a little of the story Good luck to the reader of this. lol

 
Old 06-30-2011, 05:08 PM   #10
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IDK77 View Post
I agree with both of you absolutly. At my last job I didn't answer her and she actually called the office and had me paged saying it was an emergency. It is just the position I am in is a bad one. My family background is a bad one that I got out of. I literally don't talk to anyone in my family anymore. So that complicates things with the state of my finacial situation. I have thought long and hard about just leaving sometimes but the problem is I have no one to turn to even for a night. I just feel like I can't have a serious discussion with her especially not here. Then the other side of me says with the situation we are in if she isn't gonna pull her weight and get a job to help why should I. I know thats not realistic but thats just how I feel sometimes. I just wish I had a wife that could help contribute if I'm down I feel like I am in this alone. This person isn't the same person I married. Thank you it feels good to be able to talk to someone. One of these days when I have some time I will write about my family life maybe it will help you understand a little more about me growing up we didn't express our feelings we just held it in didn't address it and eventually it lead to none of us talking anymore. I see that I still hold in my feelings as an adult and it is really eating me up inside
It sounds like you both have some issues, and- unlike some of the other posters- I disagree that all your problems will be solved if you just ditch her. It sounds like the problems are not hers alone.
It's difficult to find help when you're poor and uninsured, and suffering from psychological problems. Trust me, I know.
Sometimes, even when you know that you and/or your partner need professional help, you just can't get it, and that's all there is to it. You might have to look for another way to help yourselves.

One thing I can recommend, re: the separation anxiety.
Tell her that you need time apart from her occasionally, but that you will always be back. ALWAYS. Tell her that you will not be accepting her calls while you are away (wherever you're going- to the store, job-hunting,whatever).
And leave her with something- a personal item of yours that she knows you need: your wallet, for example. Your driver's license. Something you'd ordinarily never be without.
That should help convince her that you are not sneaking away forever, never to return.
Tell her, "I know you feel afraid when we're apart, although I'm not sure why. Maybe you think that one of these days, I won't come back. I will always come back, though, and that's why I'm leaving this (wallet, cell phone, whatever) with you, so that you'll know for sure I'm coming back, and you won't have to worry and stress out about me leaving forever."
This often works with children who suffer from separation anxiety, and I see no reason why it wouldn't help your wife.

I think you'll need to get this problem resolved before either one of you can find work, unless you are able to find a job that will hire you both and allow you to remain attached at the hip (which is highly doubtful).

I think you should try my suggestion tonight. Give her some personal item of yours to hold, and then leave for awhile; go out for a long walk or something. See if having something of yours calms her anxiety at all. Maybe leave her your cell phone, that way she won't be able to pester you with calls while you're out.

Best of luck.

 
Old 06-30-2011, 05:18 PM   #11
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Thanks Kali - I will try that. The difference between us is I know I could use help but my issues are not debilitating and she doesn't want to fully admit that she has a problem and her problems are keeping us from really having a life.

 
Old 06-30-2011, 05:31 PM   #12
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IDK77 View Post
Thanks Kali - I will try that. The difference between us is I know I could use help but my issues are not debilitating and she doesn't want to fully admit that she has a problem and her problems are keeping us from really having a life.
It sounds like something- or a series of things- has happened to make her terrified.
The woman you describe sounds like she's living in mortal fear.
I think, at some level, she must know how useless she's become to you as a partner. This no doubt increases her fear... fear that if she ever allows you out of her sight, you're going to run away and never look back.

It's not so important that you find out what caused her condition, I don't think. It's important that you acknowledge and address her condition realistically, so you can both move forward. You have got to find a way to help her feel less afraid. You've got to find a way to let her know she is not worthless to you, despite the difficulties her perplexing behavior has caused.
You should openly acknowledge to her that yes, her behavior has made your life difficult. It's basically derailed all your plans. Yet you know that some of it is beyond her control, and you still value her, love her, and want things to get better for you both.
If you want to get back the woman you married six years ago, you have got to try your hardest to make her stop being scared of losing you.
That's going to be tricky, especially since you now feel ambivalent toward her and maybe aren't even sure if you have a future together.
But you've got to try. Promise her a million times, if you have to, that you love her, value her, want a future with her, and will stay with her forever.

And if nothing helps and the relationship ultimately doesn't work out, don't feel guilty about breaking those promises. You were only trying to help her with her abandonment issues. Divorces are all about broken promises; they are the breaking of every promise we ever made, starting with our marriage vows. So a few more broken promises won't matter.

Last edited by Kali333; 06-30-2011 at 05:32 PM.

 
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Old 07-01-2011, 06:35 AM   #13
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Re: need help don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IDK77 View Post
Thanks Kali - I will try that. The difference between us is I know I could use help but my issues are not debilitating and she doesn't want to fully admit that she has a problem and her problems are keeping us from really having a life.
I have been thinking about you and your wife. Of course, as some poster has said, both of you have issues/problems of your own, which is the most natural thing in the world, since a couple's problems are always rooted in both partners, and rarely in only one.

I was thinking about her fear. This may sound off-topic, but according to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), fear is caused by an imbalance of the kidneys.

I was thinking about your depression and anger. These maybe related to your lungs (sadness) and your liver (anger).

I am not saying that TCM would be the ultimate solution to your problems, but if I had the means, I would look to see what TCM could do for me. Often a psychological condition can be improved through some minor adjustment in what you do, eat and drink.

In her case, her fears might be alleviated, and in your case, you would be able to let go some of your resentment.

Would this help you?

Last edited by pendulum; 07-01-2011 at 06:37 AM.

 
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