Hello, I am just putting this question out there, because I feel I have been contemplating this for a while now. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, the problem we have is he always puts me down and insults me. He says I'm old, which I am not, and says I am very conceited and full of myself which in no way is true, I am very down to earth, just because I buy beauty products to make myself look better, (makeup, hairstuff) he thinks these things. I said girls like makeup and to look pretty. He doesnt understand. Then the other day, i was wearing a tshirt that said bombshell on it (it was a free tshirt) he says to me, "your no bombshell" your far from it. I was deeply hurt by that, and then went on to say I am not his number one, and I am like what the heck?? Where is this coming from? He always tries to knock my self confidence and says I am fat, I am 105. Its totally weird., I just dont know if he says this things because he is jealous or just plain mean. I can't be with someone like that though, being insulted all the time sucks, even when things are normal, an insult will get thrown in there and make me feel bad. I just want to know what you guys think and whats at the core of his treating me this way.. Thanks Guys!
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: myachingbackkk cryingforever (07-03-2011), fjeeva001 (07-05-2011)
I think it doesn't matter what's at the core of him behaving this way. He's verbally abusive. Maybe one day if he ever gets tired of women either leaving him or being too weak and low in self esteem to leave, he'll change, maybe he won't. But this is who he is. And staying with him will only chip away at your self worth and your self esteem that you won't even recognize yourself. It will sneak up on you and one day you won't like what you see in the mirror at all, you won't have any trust in your own judgment you won't even feel like leaving the house.
I've been there. I stayed with a man who said mean things, who talked me down, who just didn't seem to think I was special in any way, in fact who didn't really think I was much of anything. Those precious few sweet, tender moments kept me there hoping I could make the bad, mean guy go away and the sweet, tender guy come out for good. But I can tell you from personal experience what a total waste of time and energy it is. You can't change him, you can't save him, you can't fix him, and you can't love him into loving you the way you want to. You don't have that kind of control over him. No one has that kind of control over another human being unless that human being allows themselves to be controled, and it sounds like he won't. So that means you have two choices - 1) stay with him and be verbally beaten down and stay miserable and feeling low and worthless or 2) leave him and be free and keep your sanity and be available to find a nice guy who will treat you well and who won't want to damage you. I'm sure you can tell which one I think you should choose. But this is your life, and you only get one, and it's short. You can either waste it being treated badly by some jerk, standing on your head and oing somersaults, trying to love him into changing his mind about you like it will make some kind of difference, wishing he will one day magically change into someone else, or you can spend it with your head held high, following your dreams and passions, and surrounding yourself with good people who respect you and treat you right. The choice is totally yours, and what you end up with at the end of it all, will be because of the choices you make. After all, it doesn't make a lot of sense to willingly stay with someone who treats you like dirt, begging them to change, when you have the freedom to walk away from them and not subject yourself to their shoddy treatment of you, and then get upset because they treated you so badly for all those years, right? You were the one who stayed there and decided to let them keep hurting you. Now, far be it from me to victim blame, that's not what I'm doing. But in my situation, the thing I regret the most is not being able to find out how to be the woman that he could treat well. What I regret most is not being true enough to myself to not walk away when the poor treatment first started.
I think you answered your own question in ya thread lol...jealous and plain mean. Hes trying to knock you down so you dont go anywhere and feel like you can't get better than him or that no one will like you and you may end up believing it one day if ya dont get rid of him. He is a bully and he is feeling insecure within himself so he takes it out on you.
My question is ....why havnt you left this idiot by now? He sounds horrible.
You deserve much better , and even if you are old (i dont know ya age) then so what? every human being gets old and doesnt mean ya ugly or not worthy of love respect and you should do what you damn well want if you wanna wear make up you go for it girl. Likes hes mr perfect and worlds most gorgeous amazing person his personality and the way he treats a woman is vile. Hes also trying to emotionally control you to make you feel bad and stop doing or dressing how you want.
If you dont mind i'd like to share abit of my experience with you. My ex boyfriend was a nasty jealous bully and like your boyfriend does , he put me down constantly , controlled me very badly , even controlled my own money and i wasnt even allowed to give my own dog a treat after walkies he was that controlling couldnt work or goto college or anything, couldnt have friends rarely saw my own family. I spent my life thinking it was my fault the time i was with him for 2 whole years i was terrified of him, letting him get away with it, because i loved him and i tried everything in my power to get him to love me but instead he was abusive cruel, manipulative controlling and he totally and i mean totally brain washed me, he bullied me into an abortion and laughed when i was heartbroken and in serious pain he would say ''boo hoo'' and laugh at me. I was so messed and still am a little as the damage was so severe. I ended up writing a book on my whole life again. because if i said i did something or said something or felt this feeling he would brain wash me into believeing that i didnt feel that way i didnt do that i didnt say this that. I wrote a book and i did that to RE DISCOVERED who i really am , to find my lost self identity. he cheated on me over and over aswell and was so paranoid when he came to my home he would look at any piece of paper lying around to check no mens numbers was on it , he wanted to see who texted me who called etc...it was a total nightmare. The list goes on about my horrific experience and believe it or not im still messed up now but not as bad. i put my current boyfriend through hell and was on this board blaming him when infact i was so mentally damaged from my experienced that it was my behaviour that needed to change and with therapy i did.
My advice.......get out of there soon as possible and NEVER look back and get some counselling or therapy to help you rebuild your lost confidence and self esteem.
Its true what larrylous mom said.....you will lose yourself that you wont know who you are anymore. ive been there aswell. leave him its gonna get worse. if you put up and shut up , it gets worse , if you shut them up and put them behind you your free of pain and this idiot.
Sorry i know i have wrote alot but just wanted to say something else hope ya dont mind.
People who are.... stick thin, medium, fat, morbidly obese, young, middle aged, old, or very old, have learning diffacults, black white mixed any race religion or appearance etc.....all deserve to be loved and respected by people who chose to be with them or be around them like a friend etc.....
Your boyfriend is acting like you are scum and not worthy when he says your ugly , fat and old. But so what if you are old or fat? not saying you are but that doesnt mean your not entitled to been loved and cared for and be respected.
Tell him this , and as above suggested ask him questions like why you with me then? etc........hes just jealous and insecure and a waste of time.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-03-2011 at 08:11 PM.
Reason: Posts merged.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, the problem we have is he always puts me down and insults me.
So by that statement you have been tolerating his abusive nature for four years? You must have a lot of patience and a lot of hope to be expecting that your boyfriend will change. If he hasn't changed in the past four years, or even if has been going on for one, he's not going to change. In order for a person to change, it takes a lot of willpower and consistent effort to pull it off. Nevertheless, since you have been contemplating leaving him, you already have the answer you seek. Recognizing it was the first step, next step is the most difficult one but also most rewarding one, taking action and walking away.
Originally Posted by myachingbackkk
I just dont know if he says this things because he is jealous or just plain mean.
Your boyfriend is both, with a whole lot of self-esteem and trust issues to top off the icing on the miserable cake. You can live your life without such a person. Don't be afraid, let go, and just walk away. You'll look back it and be proud of yourself for making such an important decision. It's a self-confidence booster to distance yourself from someone as negative as your boyfriend. Don't think, don't hesitate, and don't panic, just do it. Call him on the phone, text him, send him a postcard, whatever, just tell him simply "Go to hell", err I mean, "It's over". Sorry, I was reminiscing on what I did in the past. Good luck.
I have great faith in fools; self confidence my friends call it.
- Edgar Allan Poe
One of the things I most regret about my relationship with one of my exes is that I didn't end it sooner. I stayed for YEARS, hoping he'd realize how awesome I was and he'd stop cheating and commit to me. Well, he never did. He was mean sometimes too. I wish so much that I'd left him when he started all that garbage. I wasted so much time when I could have been with someone who cared about me truly and didn't need to lie, cheat or put me down.
Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't waste another minute hoping he'll "change" or realize he's not being nice, because he won't.
The following user gives a hug of support to CadenceA: cryingforever (07-04-2011)
You know the answer. Leave him if you are independent enough. You are not even married. He has his own issue. It is his mentality. He is abusive. He is using you to be abusive. Maybe he is nicer to his parents...
It is his problem and I don't think you need to hang around to take the heat.
Leave him. The core might be that it is his mentality and it is his problem.
I know many people who like to abuse emotionally. Like the book about "Tigress Mom", some Moms like to abuse the kids to make sure they get grade A and best school and etc.
This is not the right comparison here, but I think your boyfriend is using you more now as he pinned on your normal weight. Maybe he does not like you somehow (he got tired and etc.)
Leave him and find a nicer guy.
Last edited by ninamarc; 07-05-2011 at 09:55 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to ninamarc: myachingbackkk (07-06-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post: myachingbackkk (07-06-2011)
I agree with all these women have said. I was told how a man treats his mom is a good indicator of how he treats his girlfriend or wife, and sometimes the way a man's father treats his wife is an indicator of how your husband or boyfriend will treat you. My ex-husband's father yelled at his wife in anger and blame all the time and so did my ex-husband. There is a pattern they learn from and some never change. They are intimidators, bullies, controlling and manipulative. I left after 10 years and 3 sons. What a mistake having children with him. I'm glad I have my sons and got out early while they were little. I want them to treat women with respect and love. Don't waste your time with someone who treats you abusively and acts toxic towards you. You are worth more. Best wishes.
The following user gives a hug of support to renko: myachingbackkk (07-06-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post: myachingbackkk (07-06-2011)
hello, i am just putting this question out there, because i feel i have been contemplating this for a while now. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, the problem we have is he always puts me down and insults me.
yes you should!
__________________ Life... it's what happens while you're planning for it.
The following user gives a hug of support to Alone in Vegas: myachingbackkk (07-06-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to Alone in Vegas For This Useful Post: myachingbackkk (07-06-2011)
Thank you to all of you for your kind words and advice...breaking up is hard to do, as we all know, but I've been a punching bag for way too long now...especially when I don't deserve to be, as I am a nice, sweet person, he will be in for a shock!
Thanks again to all...
The following user gives a hug of support to myachingbackkk: cryingforever (07-06-2011)
He sounds like he is insecure about losing you and the only way he can keep you from finding someone better than him is to make you feel bad about yourself. That way, he has reversed the insecurity to you and you feel lucky to have him. I have a very low opinion of guys that treat their girls this way. You should break up with him and tell him why. He brings you down. That remark he made about your tee-shirt was completely uncalled for. Find someone that makes you feel good. Dump him. That's just my opinion.
The Following User Says Thank You to Wayla For This Useful Post: cryingforever (07-08-2011)