Hi everyone, i've just joined this site and this is my first thread so i'll get started.
Firstly i'll just let you know acouple of things, i'm 17 and this november i'm starting training for the british army. I have alot on my plate and i really have to be mentally stable over the next couple of months so i can keep up my health.
Anyway, last october i came out of one the happiest relationships i've had, i really believe i was in love and it all ended and i was made out to be the bad guy, since then i've met a girl three months ago and after a month of getting to know eachother we got together. I thought everything would be happy and normal but i'm having the worste time ever.
I do believe i love this girl, she makes me happy. But at the same time she breaks my heart on a daily basis. Basically i feel like i'm making all the effort, i'm always the one that has to ask her to see me, the one who always has to text or message her first and the one who has to call her, i honestly believe that if i didn't get intouch with her she just wouldn't bother with me and it hurts me so much that i've had to come to this site to express myself and try and get help.
She tells me she loves me and all that, but when i say to her "If you love me you would try harder" nothing comes of it, it just keeps going round and round, she doesn't seem to care and it makes me angry, we've had petty arguments over the past few weeks and it's pathetic.
I don't want to hurt her or break up with her even though i know i could have someone who gives me the attention and affection that i need. But i'm running out of time and i don't want the last relationship of my young life (before i join the forces) to be one filled with sadness.
I need some advice or something, someone please help me? Should i keep trying my hardest or should i give up? Thanks.
Welcome aboard. I have been married for over 51 years and trust me..it is a 2 way street. Each has to make the other feel wanted and appreciated. This is just my opinion, BUT, sounds like she is either playing the hard to get routine, or is stringing you along. Sorry to be so blunt but it's time to wake up and smell the coffee kiddo.
Try going a day or so without calling or texting and see if she makes the first move. If she LOVES you she wil, if not, sorry but I think you should move on. At your nice young age I'm sure Ms. right is out there and you should not have to settle for anything else. Yes it hurts when you care for someone and don't get the love nor attention back so why settle for it.
Everyone has had at least one or two encounters with the wrong mate but eventually the right one comes along. I truly hope if this girl cares for you she will show it, if not, cut your losses and move on.
I went through this with my youngest son many years ago and had the same talk. Eventually he did cut his losses and is now married to a lovely gal and they have a beautiful baby boy and are one VERY happy family.
Hopefully this helped some, and good luck..JJ...
When you come to the end of your rope..tie a knot and hang on!
Last edited by JJ; 07-04-2011 at 02:22 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to JJ For This Useful Post: mottled dove (07-05-2011)
Dont text or call for a few days and let her think your not fussed either and some people realise what they have and make contact but not all do. As another post said if she loves you she will contact you FIRST for a change.
It might be that you're putting too much pressure on her. You use some pretty strong descriptions of what you're looking for and feeling from this relationship and I think they might be too much for someone who is just 17 (I have to assume she is 17 or younger). She 'breaks your heart on a daily basis'? And you tell her "If you love me you would try harder"?
Those, plus some other things you wrote, are really big red flags. At 17, you really shouldn't have to be trying so hard. If you two aren't getting on, then you should break up. You can't make her be something she isn't. And if I were in her shoes being told I had to try harder, well, I'd probably be inclined to do less.
It's sounds like you may be putting way too much pressure on this relationship. And telling her she isn't doing a good enough job isn't going to win her over. I would suggest moving on, or at least definitely stop 'trying your hardest'.
Can you tell us what went wrong with your last relationship?
The Following User Says Thank You to Thisby For This Useful Post: cryingforever (07-05-2011)
Firstly i'll just let you know acouple of things, i'm 17 and this november i'm starting training for the british army. I have alot on my plate and i really have to be mentally stable over the next couple of months so i can keep up my health
I had joined the US Marine Corps (British equivalent is Royal Marines) over a decade ago, did my duty, served my country, and got out. The military is really a youthful adventure. In 2003, my unit was deployed to Kuwait. I spent 5 months in a sand pit of the Middle East. One month prior to being deployed, I had started a new relationship and my heart was broken and torn when I couldn't enjoy it anymore since I was shipping off. That was my biggest, possibly only, regret while in the military, which was not ending the relationship because I was being selfish and asked her to wait. That was the most miserable time of my life, since I couldn't let go and all I wanted was to be with the girl. What was worst is I knew fellow Marines that received letters from their girlfriends that decided to end their relationship. Nothing is worst then being stuck in a sand trap of the butt end of the world, out of reach, and unable to have a face-to-face conversation with the person you are romantically involved. My advice, don't go into the military hoping or wishing to have a girlfriend, especially one that is aloof. Enjoy the service, make friends, and get whatever experience you can out of it. When you get out, unless you plan on making a career out of it, you can worry about finding a girl that is not aloof and has no qualms with returning your affections and attention. Since you said you want to maintain a mentally stable outlook, and you already know that a relationship is not jolly good time all the time, remain single for this period of your life, so you can stay focused.
Originally Posted by xBrandonLeex
...since then i've met a girl three months ago and after a month of getting to know eachother we got together. I thought everything would be happy and normal but i'm having the worste time ever.
I do believe i love this girl, she makes me happy. But at the same time she breaks my heart on a daily basis.
I have to point this out, you are contradicting yourself. How can someone that is breaking your heart on a daily basis also make you happy? I understand what you are trying to illustrate, that your love for her makes you happy, but since she doesn't return it, she's making you miserable. She is aloof, and most likely doesn't know what she wants. I on the contrary don't have much confidence that even if you decide not to call her for a day or two, she probably will continue behaving the same way. You can have a serious discussion with her and maybe she will change, but honestly if she doesn't, you're going to have to forget her and move on. The sooner you do the better it will be for you.
Originally Posted by xBrandonLeex
But i'm running out of time and i don't want the last relationship of my young life (before i join the forces) to be one filled with sadness.
Nobody wants a mar on their soul from a relationship that is in a sad state. But it's part of life and it's one of the truths you need to accept, so you can mature past it, and roll with the punches that relationships will throw at you. Also I'm 32, I am still young, and definitely have not been in my last relationship. Hope that helps with your perspective.
I have great faith in fools; self confidence my friends call it.
- Edgar Allan Poe
Simply put: you can't love someone you don't respect...
You're 17 and believe me, there will be other women... but you have to learn that love begins with respect if you don't have that; the other person will NEVER love you and you'll end up being used and abused.
True love is reciprocal... they will want to give to you and make you happy as much as you will want to give it... anything else is just a game....
__________________ Life... it's what happens while you're planning for it.
I just realised I was once the girl in your relationship.
In that relationship I felt pressured to spend time with the guy. It's not that I didn't want to spend time with him, but he wanted to be with me all the time, and was always making plans of things we could do together.
I never felt like I could say no to spending time with him, which meant some of the dates I said "Maybe" too, which turned into a "Sorry, I can't come" on the day.
I didn't even realise I was feeling this way until I went on a trip I had planned before I got together with him, and during the trip I realised I was happier without him, and so shortly after I got back I broke up with him (I had tried to talk to him about the issues the first time I saw him after I got back, but felt like I got nowhere).
The truth is, I think that what she wants from this relationship, and what you want are two very different things.
And if I were in her shoes being told I had to try harder, well, I'd probably be inclined to do less.
"Try harder" is not the best choice of words, but perhaps someone who is GENUINELY interested wouldn't take "try harder" as an attack or threat and perhaps wouldn't feel motivated to do less. Maybe they'd take them as fiery words of sincerity about something positive - a care for their relationship. They'd take a step back to consider his concerns, and take it as a cry for help to nurture a relationship he cares about and thought she cared about too.
Last edited by mottled dove; 07-08-2011 at 05:47 AM.
STOP beating yourself up over this crap, you're 17... last time I checked there are lots of 17 year old girls out there and you don't have to kill yourself for their attention. Dust yourself off and get out there and get another one.
You don't see HER killing herself over you and the last thing you need is to be another man killing himself over another woman who's too selfish to appreciate what's being done for her.
NO ONE'S LOVE IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR OWN. MOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE ALONG!
__________________ Life... it's what happens while you're planning for it.
I think thats abit extreme , i dont think feeling suicidal is the issue here.
But yes they is definately other fish in the sea and this girl wont be your only girl that you'll have in life your both so so young and got alot of living to do. If its not working though i'd suggest moving on also.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-07-2011 at 02:51 PM.
Reason: Unnecessary quote removed.