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Old 07-05-2011, 08:51 AM   #1
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Husband Sleeps on the Couch

I'm new here. I found a post/thread here based on my googling "sleeps on couch". I read CKL's post "Husband Still Sleeps on Couch" and wanted to comment, but the thread had been closed. So I will respond here I guess.

I have a similar situation and can only offer my opinion on my relationship because every one is so different.

My husband naturally is drawn to fall asleep on the couch to the TV. In his case I believe it's a matter of lifestyle. While growing up his mom used to do it often so that's probably where he picked it up. I think this is very unhealthy. The couch is not as comfortable, he gets way less sleep and it affects our relationship negatively.

One of my favorite things about being in a relationship is sleeping together. I love the closeness, snuggling, security, bonding and intimacy etc. When I was single living in Chicago I longed to be married and share a bed and now that I'm married I'm just as lonely if not lonelier due to the rejection, resentment and loneliness combined.

He will say that he likes sleeping with me and he wants to but over all his natural behavior reverts back to the couch time and time again. Actions speak louder than words right?

We've argued this topic for years. We have been together for 11 years. The first 6, on again off again and the last 5 married. He says, "let me have one night a week to stay up and I'll sleep in bed with you the rest of the nights. How about Wednesdays I'll stay up." But every night it's me pulling. It's as if he forgets our agreement/conversations and he is drawn to the couch.

Often he'll say, "I'll be up in 5 min." and will fall asleep on the couch with the lights on. He'll promise...swear up and down that he'll be right up and I'll subconsciously wait for him; and he will fall asleep in front of the TV. Even at 1am he still won't just come to bed. So I told him, "if you're not coming up now then just don't come up otherwise I'll end up waiting for you."

I feel like I'm pulling him into bed and that I would have to do that every night. Only if he's ill will he go to bed early/before me.

So I wonder what he does while I'm sleeping. He's a pretty good guy, faithful, so I don't think he's doing anything but it still is very lonely sleeping alone.

We've also argued about which time to go to bed on nights he won't sleep on the couch. He said we have to pick a time. So we said 11pm but even that is hard for both of up to uphold because chores keep me up longer sometimes. So he'll use that in an argument "even you break our rule".

But what hurts is that it really seems like he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be with me in the bed otherwise he would do it. When I accuse him of not caring he swears up and down that he cares and tells me that I'm making the wrong assumption.

So his norm is to stay up late putzing around watching you tube videos, posting on FB then eating a ton of candy and falling asleep to the TV around 1 - 2am on work nights (we get up at 6am). And mine is to wash up and go to bed anywhere between 10:30 and 1am.

So no matter what, each of our norms prevail. If I want him to sleep with me I have to keep asking him, reminding him, bug him. If I leave him alone he just doesn't care at all and will be glued to the couch. There is no drive in him to come up and be with me.

So, exhausted and hurt beyond belief from arguing about it, I gave up completely for a while. I just went up to bed without even saying goodnight to avoid arguing. I know it won't change because that natural behavior is so embedded. If he hears me go upstairs he'll say, "good night honey, happily" knowing how bad it hurts me that he's going to stay downstairs. It's a manipulation to me. To act nonchalant about something that is a hot button; about something we've argued about time and time again; to just say, "good night hun" happily. It hurts.

We have other issues too and I've researched his personality traits and came up with: Passive Aggressive, Manipulator, Invalidator and Emotional Abuser.

I consider divorce often.

So CKL I feel your pain. I believe their mothers didn't raise their sons right. They didn't socialize them on being with a spouse. Mine too resented me for not being able to help with the kids when I was ill. He kicked my bed and said, "get it in gear" after I spent the night before throwing up. And another visit to the doctor where I had severe bronchitis and went to the emergency room he didn't touch me at all or ask if I was ok and complained about the medical bills we'd incur. That alone was almost the straw that broke the camel's back. I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum because not sleeping me is a deal breaker when combined with the other serious issues we have. Ugh.

Last edited by ladalia; 07-05-2011 at 09:55 AM.

 
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:56 AM   #2
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

WOW your husband really is selfish. My boyfriend used to do this stay up really late and i'd go to bed alone. Hes changed because i told him if things do not change then i am gone as i was so fed up. Luckily he changed. He sometimes nowadays goes to earlier than me because he works and i am like you tidying up, cleaning etc...doing house work that needs to be done.

I think the ultimatum is a good idea. Personally though i think you should get rid of him he is a very heartless man as you say he was very cruel when you was ill. That shows he really doesnt care.

You deserve ALOT better than this. One day you will get severely fed up and just fall out of love, maybe your close to that now. I remember my mum told me her brother (my uncle) was sat having dinner by himself in a restaurant and stopped eating looked around and thought to himself i want to share my life with someone and for someone to spend time with me doing things like this , his partner at the time was a miserable woman who never wanted to do anything. He left her and has since found an amazing woman i have heard who he can finally share special moments with.

Last edited by cryingforever; 07-05-2011 at 11:57 AM.

 
Old 07-05-2011, 12:27 PM   #3
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

This sounds pretty strange. Like your husband never grew up and is still acting like a boy who may need Mom to take him back to bed and etc.

In my case, we do at times watch the news or movies late. But I always can tell my husband to turn in and he usually does. We sometimes fall asleep in the sofa by accident. But we always go to bed and we can always tell each other to go to bed. I now try to go to bed earlier without watching late movies.

You can also set up a time for TV and set up a time to go to bed and etc.

I think it is about his old habits. Of course this may reduce the closeness because you don't get to "sleep" or close your eyes together and do intimate things on the bed....

It also depends on what he thinks about this habit. If he sleeps there all night, how can he work in the day without sleeping properly? Did he sit there and sleep?

This is indeed some bad habit and a couple should sometimes go to bed together properly. Of course if one is busy working or babysitting, it is something else.

It seems in your case, it has been a long shot. Well I am with you if you want to leave him.

Sometime ago someone here in this board asked if eating time is less important than sleeping time. Well, I think for a couple, everything is important and any time together is a plus. Eating together is good too. So go to bed together or sleep overnight together certainly is necessary for a couple.

Overall, it is the quality of your marriage that counts.

Good luck,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 07-05-2011 at 12:36 PM.

 
Old 07-05-2011, 03:12 PM   #4
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

He doesn't care because he isn't doing what you want him to do. "I don't want to sleep alone". "I love sleeping with someone"... "I, I, I"... have YOU gotten up and gone and slept with HIM on the sofa.

People have habits some are harder to break than others... but if sleeping on the couch makes you feel rejected... maybe you should look at yourself... there seems to be some co-dependency going on... within you. Your husband has been with you over 15 years and hasn't left you - hasn't cheated (I hope) that's love.

Get in your sexy nighty, perfume, etc., and go and lay on the sofa with him... maybe YOU should take a different approach than nagging him... its not all about what YOU want... and in the grand scheme of not getting cheated on, hit, beat, having your husband take your money... sleeping on the sofa is minor.

Try reseaching YOUR traits: co-dependency... sometimes it is so easy to point out the fault in OTHERS... remember marriage is a meeting of TWO MINDS... and rarely is it 50/50....

I could just agree with everything you say, but I truly want you to be happy and often times that requires US to change, NOT the other person... its just easier to put it on THEM rather than ourselves...

Woman snap out of it, sex up that sofa then move it to the bedroom.... give him a reason to get up... and stop making the problem larger than it needs to be... You'll be happier..... and so will he.
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Old 07-05-2011, 04:16 PM   #5
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

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Originally Posted by Alone in Vegas View Post
He doesn't care because he isn't doing what you want him to do. "I don't want to sleep alone". "I love sleeping with someone"... "I, I, I"... have YOU gotten up and gone and slept with HIM on the sofa.

People have habits some are harder to break than others... but if sleeping on the couch makes you feel rejected... maybe you should look at yourself... there seems to be some co-dependency going on... within you. Your husband has been with you over 15 years and hasn't left you - hasn't cheated (I hope) that's love.
Well I don't think asking the spouse to go to bed with you at proper time to sleep is wrong. If the husband is always sleeping in the couch and ignores his bed - it is not healthy for one thing.
This has NOTHING to do with co-dependence. What is wrong with going to bed in the bedroom?
In the old times, the couple sleep in different beds or even different rooms.
But if you get a double bed in your master bedroom, then you should sleep together. Otherwise get 2 different beds in the same room and you would not care when he comes to bed.

My husband did complain that I went to bed too late sometimes so I try to go to bed earlier. He meant well for me.

So if the husband won't go back to his own bed, it is really negative for the marraige.

Just my 2 cents,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 07-05-2011 at 04:20 PM.

 
Old 07-05-2011, 05:48 PM   #6
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

I actually believe that sleeping in separate beds is healthy for a relationship for many reasons.,,,(google this for more details). Plus if your spouse isn't sleepy and not ready to go to bed I don't see why you have to "force" them. That is ridiculous.

With that being said, I wonder how the rest of your relationship is. Is he on the couch every single night of the week? I'd say a few nights is ok but if it's every single night then there may be a problem. How is your sex life? Is he romantic with you outside of the bedroom? Is there passion in your relationship? These are some questions you need to look at.

For now I'd say stop stressing and enjoy the fact that you have a nice huge bed all to yourself. I know lots of guys who fall asleep on the couch because they just simply enjoy it. Don't force the issue and don't nag him about it. And stop trying to bargain with him...it won't work and it will make you look bad in the end. Learn to find humor in the situation....I dated a guy once who used to fall asleep on the couch and we used to laugh about it.

Good luck.

 
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Old 07-05-2011, 05:51 PM   #7
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

Totally agree with ninamarc. This definately has nothing to do with co dependancy. This is to do with a wife feeling lonely because her husband doesnt sleep next to her and she doesnt have the comforts and love that she needs. 2 people sleeping on the sofa is not ideal at all. ladalia you are is within your right to want some proper love time.

Anyway , ladalia .....how you feeling after all the responses? Have you thought about giving him a ultimatum? and if so then you must must must stick to what your saying to him because he may test is a little bit to see if you mean it.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-06-2011 at 01:42 PM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed.

 
Old 07-06-2011, 10:35 AM   #8
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

What is the PROPER time? For whom? Who determines that? He's a husband not a possession..... he has a mind and behavior all his own. He's not her child he's a man.

I'm sure he did mean well for you, but is getting angry because the person didn't go to bed when and where you wanted cause for thinking he doesn't love you or care? That's a bit extreme and does infact show co-dependency. He's in another room NOT another home... marriage doesn't equate that the spouse is owned, and it doesn't mean that he cares less for her because he does. He's a night person, hence the staying up late. She's not. I'm not saying that its ok if he NEVER sleeps with her. I'm saying the emotional response from her is disproportionate to his actions... and fussing at him isn't going to do anything but make him less wanting to be in bed with her. I know I wouldn't want to be in bed with someone who fusses about it allllllllll the time.

Constant arguments and fussing will do nothing but create negativity in the marriage not solve the problem. And who needs that.
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Old 07-06-2011, 03:49 PM   #9
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

Perhaps you and your husband are just not compatible. Each has different habit.
I think when it comes to habits or sleeping, the spouse can decide if it is not enough and choose the alternative.
Sure you can stay but maybe you never get to sleep with him often. Do you sleep with him at all?

It depends on how separate you and he are. If he is always in the couch and you are in the bedroom, you may as well have 2 bedrooms...

Someone here mentioned co-dependency, I think this is stretching the whole thing. The habits are just not compatible. He is a night person but does he respect the wife?
Marriage is about respecting each other, and if it is just about independence and there is nothing mutual here, why marry?
Ok I know someone who married an opera singer. He was a scientist. He divorced her because she sang too much. Well, it is just about incompatibility.

Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 07-06-2011 at 03:54 PM.

 
Old 07-06-2011, 05:38 PM   #10
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

By ''PROPER time'' i mean like affection, cuddles in bed, making love, kisses. That is what a wife will miss if her husband does not give it to her. No a husband does not care if his wife has expressed her feelings and hes done nothing about it. No co dependancy here. Just a wife wanting to spend quality time and romance with her husband. Nothing wrong with that. One sided marriage is seems.

Last edited by cryingforever; 07-06-2011 at 05:41 PM.

 
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Old 07-07-2011, 12:25 AM   #11
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silvercity,
I don't agree that it's healthy to sleep in separate beds. I would say it's fine to occassionally sleep separate and yes I do enjoy having the bed to myself. It's just the bedrock below everything that hurts. the bedrock that he, in fact, doesn't care if he sleeps with his wife or not.

And I will nag him about it because he is wrong. The intimacy of sleeping together is a huge part of being married. It is very enjoyable and he is selfish to keep that from me.


He's the one who suggested a time. He said 11pm last night and I told him it wouldn't work because every night is different. I would be fine with each night we say when we're tired, and when we want to go to bed and if the other person wants to stay up fine. My point is that it isn't 50/50. It's not like 50% of the time he comes up to bed with me. It's more like 10% and I don't want to have to ask him to come up. I don't want to ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. I would like it if he would just come up because he wants to. I hurts that he doesn't care. That's the point here, he doesn't care to be with me in bed.

Alone in Vegas,
when you get married and you go to bed alone most nights then let me know how you feel.


Right now he's asleep on the couch, ha, and I don't want to wake him and I don't mind sleeping alone at all : ) It's just over time, when most of the nights are him choosing the couch over me...it hurts and is so lonely. He really and truly doesn't care if he sleeps on the couch for years as long as he sleeps in the bed once in a while, like once every 2 to 4 mos. or something. It is a compatability thing. I really don't think we should divorce over it but again, it does hurt. And I know a different man would say, "you ready (to come to bed)" ever night and some nights I'd say, "yeah" and others, "not yet". But this one that I've got is 95% for the couch. ugh

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-07-2011 at 02:42 PM. Reason: Posts merged, inappropriate comment removed.

 
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:32 AM   #12
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Re: Husband Sleeps on the Couch

Ladalia, dont know if you have read my recent thread on relationship health forum. Im going through a somewhat similar time in my marriage and I have only been married a year. I have already discussed divorce.
I totally agree with you , your husband should want to sleep next to you every night that is one of the most important aspects of a marraige that we look forward to. To have that intimacy. My situation though a little different, (my husband doent like spending time alone with me) I have to beg for it and you end up feeling rejected and clingy and stupid.

As I have learnt from many useful posts. We deserve better, we deserve men that want to love us and spend all their time with us, not men who we have to ask for their affection all te time. Im still struggling and all I can offer you is a hug of support and strength

 
Old 07-07-2011, 09:07 AM   #13
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

Actually lots of couples do have trouble sleeping physically together and thus they often buy separate mattress (full size or twin) and put them together. So this way the couple sleeps together and yet they won't be disturbed if the other person rolls a lot.

In the old times, some couples like my FIL slept in separate beds with my late MIL in the master bedroom. It was traditional in the old times (even the old movies show this.) My FIL is 90 now.

So the key is really if the couple do have intimacy or not, however they sleep is another matter. Of course, I still agree the husband should come to the bedroom at proper time.
Also, if he has to get up by 6 am, sleeping at 2am seems too late and is not good for his health.

Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 07-07-2011 at 09:08 AM.

 
Old 07-07-2011, 10:52 AM   #14
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

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Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-07-2011 at 02:46 PM.

 
Old 07-07-2011, 10:56 AM   #15
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Re: Re CKL's post about Husband Sleeps on the Couch

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