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Old 07-07-2011, 04:15 PM   #1
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My boyfriend might have been cheating on me this whole time.... Advice please :(.....

So, this is my first time posting here. Hello, everyone. I'm sorry it's about such a silly topic, but after looking for advice in other threads, I am just desperate. I'm 19, almost 20, and for an entire year, my boyfriend (23) and I have been happily committed. We started off as best friends, and continued as such through our relationship. He has been cheated on many times in his past, and his insecurities started to show a few months ago. After our year mark, he became insecure and possessive. He says it started with him getting cheated on, and then continued when we first met. I had been interested in another guy when we first met, and my boyfriend saw a conversation between him and I before we were together.

Well now, just Tuesday, I found him doing something that hurt me horribly. I snuck up behind him on our college campus to give him a hug, because he believed me to be in class. I glanced over his shoulder, and saw him on his phone. As he panicked and tried to hide his phone, I saw him talking to another girl on his old myspace.... He had asked her if she liked the pictures she sent him, and she made it clear that the pictures were very sexual.

I'm honestly at a loss of what to do. I have that awful, hollow, betrayed feeling in my heart, and I really feel like it is over. I know he immediately was ashamed in himself, and for the past few days he has been doing everything possible to get me back. He was honestly my best friend, and I really felt like he was better than most men in the world. I really felt like he was above all the shortcomings of the world, but I am just torn apart. I know pictures aren't that big of a deal, but I'm scared to trust him again. He hid a relationship he had with a mutual friend before, reasoning that it was 'casual, and just didnt mean anything'. I gave him another chance, and I'm really afraid of going any further, but I'm also afraid to move on. I have invested so much of my heart into him, and I know he was serious with me, but I feel like he willingly threw it all away. Am I overreacting? Definitely need advice Maybe we can all become friends?

 
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:41 PM   #2
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Re: My boyfriend might have been cheating on me this whole time.... Advice please :(.

You could all be friends if it's all innocent and on the up and up, but you can't be friends with her if he hides her from you. And if he's hiding her from you, chances are they are a bit more than friends.

Sometimes, it seems that people who are jealous and possessive and sooooo sure you're seeing someone else, they behave like this because THEY are seeing others behind your back and they either assume you are doing the same, or they assuage their guilt by projecting their actions on you. You guys are young, and you might want to take a step back. How you feel about not breaking up, but taking a step back, continuing to see each other, but agree to see other people as well, or take a break so you can both see other people? I personally am not a fan of "taking breaks" but you're not ready to let him go, and he's not ready to trust you or fully commit to you. So what else to do? It's a tricky one. But you need to do some soul searching and decide what you really want from a relationship. If you want a relationship with a guy who's going to be your best friend, trust you and have faith in you, and not behave inappropriately, like flirting and texting sexy pictures back and forth with other women, then this is not the relationship you want. And it's up to you to do something about it.

I wouldn't recommend "talking" about it. Most men don't really respond to talking. You start off with "I think we're at a stage where we should be able to trust each other, and when you text these kinds of things to other women, it makes me feel...." and that's when his eyes glaze over, and all he hears is "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah." Men respond better to action. Like, "you get sexy texts from another woman, I walk out the door." A-ha, he says. If I don't want her to walk out the door, then I will have to stop the texts. But before you can show him what you want and what you won't put up with, you have to know yourself. Right now it sounds like you're willing to put up with just about anything and hope that it will just go away so you won't have to think about leaving him. Think long and hard about what you want out of a relationship, and be honest about how realistic it is to think you will get it from him.

 
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:54 PM   #3
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Re: My boyfriend might have been cheating on me this whole time.... Advice please :(.

I don't think you're overreacting. He was caught and he knows it. I'd have to wonder what else he is doing or was he planning on doing while you are in class or otherwise not around? Doesn't look good to me. If he's really your best friend, maybe you're better off with him just as a friend and that's it. In the grand scheme of things, you've only been with him a year, you're young, and can find someone better. For someone who had been cheated on himself, you'd think he'd think twice about cheating on you. Maybe he hasn't done anything yet, but it seems like it could very well lead in that direction, especially if he already hid another relationship he had with a mutual friend. So this seems like the second strike against him, so do you really want to wait around for the next time something like this happens?

 
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