Before I get on with what I came here to say, I have to mention that seeking help like this is highly unusual for me to do. I stumbled upon this website after searching some pretty not-so-smart things on Google. To be clear, I am looking for advice and help with how I can better the relationship.
If you don't like reading long posts, then this isn't going to be your cup of tea. ;)
If anyone needs any more clarification on things, or just more information in general, be sure to mention that.
Let me get started...
Well, I am in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, though I am planning on moving out to where he is very soon. We have known each other for four years, started dating almost right after meeting, and broke up during that first year. We have found each other again one year ago, and he left the girlfriend he was with at the time for me. He claimed he was devastated when I broke his heart, yet never stopped loving me and couldn't fill the spot in his heart where I left it. I know that we share a very strong bond, no matter what happens, but sometimes it gets too much for me.
We argue almost every day about the stupidest things. He is a perfectionist and hates when something doesn't go his way. I'm human, and I make mistakes. I try to work on what needs to be improved and fix what I did wrong. This doesn't stop him from insulting me, though. He constantly calls me a failure and puts me down so much. Yes, I have talked to him about it; he knows how I feel and agrees he could be nicer. I don't see that happening, though.
Recently, we got into an argument over something in a game we play online (this is what I was talking about.. stupid). We weren't even doing anything significant, just going against other players for fun. I made a little mistake and my boyfriend exploded at me. I tried reasoning it out, but with his attitude, he wouldn't take it. He always assumes things that are often false and exaggerates based on the situation. I quote: "Don't try to turn it around on me, you idiot. Hurry up. How dare you try and act like you don't have to apologize? You're freakin' disgusting. Go kill yourself. You just love being so freakin' retarded that you act like you're not at fault. You just have to fight me and lose (he always claims that I will never win an argument, so I should stop 'going against him') instead of being smart. If you cry, I'm dumping you. Got it?" Another note, he does threaten me like this; it's nothing new. I know he won't leave me. The funny thing is, I don't feel like crying, probably because I'm getting used to this treatment. That doesn't stop me from feeling bad, though.
Anyway, I was not responding to anything he said after that; I got sick of it. He is now spamming my cell phone with calls (73 and counting), which is also something he does when we argue and he doesn't get his way (which he does most of the time). Several times before when this has happened, he texted me threats. Threats going from him going to cheat on me, to threats about how he'll be more mad and will make me pay (cause me to feel bad/suffer). He has taken out his anger/frustration out on punching walls. I honestly don't know what to do when I know he does that. Usually it's just to make me pity him or show him that I don't lack the care he thinks I do. Talking things out by his standards usually leads up to more arguments.
Basically, I'm tired of this treatment. It's been either like this, or similar to it, since we started dating again. All he wants me to do is to do everything he tells me to and to not mess up. Sounds a lot easier than it is. We do want to be with each other; we've shared a lot and are very much in love, but I don't want to have to deal with this behavior anymore. I know he will listen to what I'd have to say, but the problem now is that I don't know what to say anymore.
Last edited by EonLight; 07-16-2011 at 12:41 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to EonLight:
Take it from someone who's been there, you're in an unhealthy relationship. You're boyfriend is showing classic signs of an abuser and no doubt will eventually get physical with you when you do move closer to him.
He's already got the verbal and emotional abuse down. He's like a bully, who needs to put you down to make himself feel better. It's pathetic, and trust me when I say, its only going to get worse.
These are some questions they ask you to see if you are in an abusive relationship...
Do you feel afraid of your partner most of the time?
Do you avoid cetain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
Do you feel you can't do anything right for your partner?
Do you feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does he humiliate or yell at you?
Does he criticize you and put you down?
Does he ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
Does he blame you for his anger and abusive behavior?
Does he have a bad and unpridictable temper?
Does he hurt you, threaten to hurt or kill you?
Does he threaten to do things to himself if you leave?
These are just a few, and already you can answer yes to all of them.
I hope you open your eyes to all these red flags and determine that you deserve to be treated with respect, love, equality, compassion and again, respect. Nobody deserves to be talked to the way he does you.
Don't feel you need to be in a relationship where you're constantly walking on eggshells and put down like your not worth anything. That's not love. He needs psychological help. And no, you can't change him. Being there for him, and understanding and hoping your love will change him isn't going to work.
You need to run for the hills and find someone who's going to treat you the way you should be treated.
I've been in your shoes..I chose to stay.
I ended up in the hospital because of it.
You deserve so much better.
Find someone who's gonna do the things you love and laugh at the little mistakes you make and see a game for what it is, a damn game! These aren't stupid arguements you guys have, they're warning signs. Read them!
Last edited by SimplyBroken; 07-16-2011 at 05:24 AM.
This isnt love. If he loved you he wouldnt treat you so badly. This relationship will never work sorry its obvious hes set in his ways (abusive, controlling, nasty) and he wont change. Moving to his home will make it worse ALOT worse. He could hit you , hope if you do go through with it and move in with him that you are not totally dependant on him , like you having your own money put aside if anything happens, you have a job etc....
This is a bad situation and i hope you leave him. You deserve better. He treats you very badly and its disgusting.
Your boyfriend is definitely abusive, there are no questions about that. I would say the chances of him getting physical if you move out there are at about 99%. Aside from that though, I think you need to focus on the abuse now. I think a lot of people try to focus on physical abuse, thinking it's worse than other types of abuse, and it's not. Abuse is abuse. Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and controlling. That can often be more damaging than physical abuse. Emotional abuse leaves people feeling helpless and leaves deep emotional scars that can take years to fade.
I won't sugarcoat it because I think you already know the answer to your post. Be good to yourself and end it now. Things will not change, they'll only get worse. Is this really something you want to live with? This is not love, not in any way, shape or form. People confuse an unhealthy attachment to each other for love. Ask yourself this... what exactly is it about him that you "love". And what is it about him that you hate? I'm guessing the "hate" list is probably more significant than the "love" list. It may not be a longer list, but things on the list will have more an impact than the things on the "love" list.
Leave him. He is abusive. If you want a better relationship, find someone who is understanding and not abusive. Sometimes his abuse came from his own childhood or his family's style. You have no way to win this.
Get out when you can.
The most important relationship we have is with ourselves. That is the relationship you should be trying to "better".
Think of someone who you know truly does love you (a parent, a sibling, a dear friend). Do they do any of the things this guy does to you? Do they talk that way to you?
He blows up your phone after he abuses you because he's frantically trying to hold on to the one woman who will accept his abuse and tell him she loves him after he abuses her. There are very few women who will accept this shabby treatment and he knows it. That's why he needs to hold on to the one woman he finally found who will not only allow him to abuse her, but will stay and take more abuse. He found the one woman who dislikes herself enough to accept being abused.
I advise you to NOT be that woman. Find out why you don't love yourself enough. Find out why you think so badly of yourself that you think you deserve to be treated like this. Find out why you think love means abuse. You seem very well-written and intelligent. So, you don't have to have a relationship with a mean, nasty, insecure abuser. You can find a wonderful, caring man who appreciates you and treats you like the good person you are.
You said you stumbled here while searching for 'stupid' things on the internet.
If you were searching for clues as to what's wrong with your bf, that isn't stupid at all.
Keep looking, keep reading. Eventually it will sink in that he's an abuser and you're in an abusive relationship. Eventually you'll read enough to see that you can't 'better the relationship', you can only escape.
Sometimes it takes a while, that's why I'm encouraging you to keep reading. Read lists of common abuser traits and behaviours, read about how victims of emotional abuse feel. You'll see yourself there. Remember, you can't change him, you can only change how you react to him. By letting him continue, by 'taking it', you're only entrenching yourself further as his victim.
If you've never been a victim to this type of abuse before, it's really hard to see it for what it is, that's why I encourage you to keep reading about it.
Eonlight, I hope you're still reading these posts, even though none of them have said what you apparently wanted to hear, but I'd like to address what you wanted to hear...
How to make the relationship better. Well, how do you think any woman can make a relationship better with a man who thinks she's stupid, wrong, a man who has no respect at all her her feelings, for who and what she is, what she brings to the table, for how her mind and heart work? Do you really want someone to tell you how to try to walk even more softly on the egg shells he lays down? How to better tolerate his berating and belittling? Is that really the kind of life you want?
You say you know he will listen to what you say, but you don't know what to say anymore. Stop and think about that. The reason why you don't know what to say anymore is because HE HASN'T LISTENED TO ANYTHING YOU'VE SAID ALL ALONG. The reason you're at a loss is because everything you've already said has been ignored. So I'm confused as to why you think he'll suddenly start listening now, if only you could find the magic words that can make him listen.
Eon, that's not how it works. You dont' find a man who chooses to treat you like crap and then try to twist yourself into a pretzel to get him to stop treating you like crap. You find a man who treats you like gold, and who loves you for who and what you are NOW and what you bring to the table. The most important relationship anyone has in the world is the one we have with ourself. YOU are the only person in the world you HAVE to spend the rest of your life with. And you dislike yourself so much that you think this guy's opinion of you is more important than the one you have of yourself. You think that trying to win this guy's respect is worth getting emotionally beat up every day. You love this guy so much more than yourself that you are willing to allow yourself to be hurt, your self esteem to be chipped away, your confidence and your trust in yourself to be eroded, in order to please him, something that will never happen, because he doesn't want to be pleased. He wants to make you feel bad. THAT'S what makes him feel better. Not making you happy, not trying to understand you or trying to make the relationship better. But MAKING YOU HURT makes him feel powerful, in control, and more like a "man." There's nothing you can do to fix that. So I'd recommend working on the relationship you have with yourself. Ask yourself why you don't think you deserve any better than this abusive jerk. Ask yourself why you give this guy the power to do this to you, and why you stand there and choose to be a victim and let him verbally beat you up day after day after day. THAT'S what you really need to be dealing with.
This is your life, the only one you get, and it's short. All we really have are the choices we make, and right now, you are choosing to be this guy's verbal punching bag. You have chosen it, and only you can unchoose it. Please stop and think about how much sense it makes to stand there, getting hit (metaphorically) by someone, and instead of just walking away, stand there and beg them, plead with them, bargain with them, cajole them, implore them to stop hitting you, while they continue to keep hitting you?
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-16-2011 at 04:36 PM.
Sometimes you may be thinking that you can save him or help him.
Beside from the fact that everyone says you need to love yourself and be assertive, you also need to realize that you cannot save him. If he is abusive, he is his parents' problem. You cannot fix it. If he spams your cell and threatens you, I think you need to be afraid. It is not the right way. It sounds like a gangster threating you for something! Is he on drugs or something?
Whatever it is, he has to face it and stop it. If he cannot, you need not to be there to take it. You are not his savior. He may make it look that way - you can save him and so on.
Either way, it is not healthy for you. And you want to move there to be with him? You think you need to move there to save him?
Don't. It will be worse. He is manipulating you.
Try to see more people and you will find a better guy.
sounds like that old movie w/ Julia Roberts--"Sleeping with the Enemy" I think...
Just going to echo what pretty much everyone has said here--he's a bully and abusive in multiple ways. He thinks he has you under control, you do what he says how he says it and you won't have a problem. When you mess up, he explodes, you apologize and make it better, he says don't let it happen again, and you move on. This is so wrong! But I'm afraid of what would happen if you said that wasn't going to work for you anymore. He obviously thinks of himself as smarter than you, better than you. It's like he thinks you're subservient to him. You need to get out of that relationship--I wouldn't even waste time trying to tell him what needs to change--you said it's always been this way, so this is him. Just get far, far away from him before he is more forceful in making you do what he wants....
What Larrylou said is right. You will NEVER "get it right" because even if for some reason you decide you are going to try to do every single thing he says to do, exactly as he says to do it, he will STILL abuse you and call you names. He doesn't want to stop, his goal is to keep being mean to you because he is insecure and has low self esteem. He found someone who he can pick on and feel like he's better than, and he doesn't want to give that up. You are the dog he gets to kick, and he likes it.
You shouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who only keeps you around to be mean to and abuse.
He's long-distance, so at least you don't have to move out of his place, try to avoid running into him, etc. You can just block him on the computer and stop responding to him. You can change your number and your email address. You can "unfriend" him and change any screen names you have so he can't cyber-stalk you.
I get it, you don't want to end the relationship, you just want him to stop being mean. You need to realize that you can't have it that way. He wants to abuse you, so you can either stay and agree to be abused, or you can stop communicating with him and meet a decent, loving, caring man who will cherish you. Your choice.