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Old 07-18-2011, 07:21 PM   #1
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Husband thinks he's perfect and that I need to improve or else.

Please Respond:
Hi, I've been married for ten years now. Both of us are going to a man counselor at the present. We are now going every three to four weeks. This is a huge step b/c before, he had told me that he would not go to a counselor because it was a problem of mine not a marriage problems. While going to a woman counselor for over a year (and she did meet my husband a couple of times and talked to him) I decided and still think that he's OCPD. I just got back from a trip with my best gf and really had fun. I teach, therefore; I'm on vacation right now. I had to get the house back in order today and get all of my things unpacked. He was rushing around b/c he was running late. Before he walked out the door he asked if I would hang up his shirts today. I washed the clothes yesterday, but other than that did nother. I told him I would start back getting things in order today. We have no kids at home (I have two grown boys and he has none) It really upset me because he asked me that b/c I do that during summer. After school starts I get so overwhelmed with school work that sometimes I will hang shirts on the back of chairs. I was being kind of a smart *** and said "well, which should I do first the kitchen or hanging the shirts. ETC.
When I called him at work later I could tell that he was really mad at my behavior. I'm not really sure why I was mad. I talked to my best friend and she said, that since I had just came from a five day trip maybe I was really tired and just sensitive. I don't know if it's that or not. He sent me a few emails from work (I really stayed level headed and answered in a nice way) I told him in the email that he sounded mad and I didn't understand why I also asked him if he could send me the grocery list he had made out. Here's what he said:
]First – you jumped down my throat this morning when I asked you very nicely if you would hang my shirts up today. Obviously asking you to hang up the pants is too much to ask. You were up almost all night but you still “Didn’t have time” to do it. I guess hanging up the clothes would interfere with Facebook. From now on I’ll take care of it myself – washing, drying and hanging up my dress clothes.

Second – you NEVER want a grocery list anyway. You said that it makes you too nervous to have one. So go on to the store without it. Besides, the printer is not working. I won’t dare ask you to pickup a toner for it. Because then it would be too hard, you would not understand, you would not want to pay for it , … So that’s something else I will take care of So what were you doing for 5 hours from 10 PM until 3 AM ? Let’s see now, does cleaning up the kitchen take 5 hours ? Did you have to water the grass all night ? Did you have to clean up your room ? Did you clean out the garage ? So I don’t believe you about turning off the computer. You got an attitude after we left . And it’s the same behavior as before I went to *** – its not changing. You go along for just a bit and then revert back to the old self. And this is why I don’t trust you. I want you to really think about that.

Yea, I get irritated when I have to tell you the same thing 3 or 4 times (ie, no they don’t take D batteries). But I guess you want to argue about that. And don’t say I was on your *** about the clothes. And don’t say I was ugly to you, yelled at you, treated you badly or anything like that because it will be a lie. Hey here is an idea that’s really far fetched. Do you think you can move YOUR suitcase from in front of my closet ? Now I know why the clothes weren’t hung up – the suitcase was in the way !! And of course in front of my closet is the “perfect place” for it. Why should it be moved out of the way or even over where your things are ? That just doesn’t make any sense at all – stupid me !!

I hope someone will read this and let me know if I should have been upset this morning. If I was wrong, I definitely think he made up for it for the things he said to me. He used to put me down a lot when he would get mad. (note to self) use your brain. well it's just common sense ) I will say we've come a long way.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-26-2011 at 09:44 PM.

 
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Old 07-18-2011, 08:18 PM   #2
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect and that I need to improve or else.

Well, he definitely could've handled it better and been nicer....he sounds like he's yelling at a teenager. It also sounds like he's a bit jealous of your online time...does it distract you lot or keep you from spending time with him in the evenings? When your married the almighty internet can be a not so great deterrant....we don't realize how long we sit in front of it ignoring others.

I would have a very clear talk with him at y'alls next psych about the way he speaks to you and how degrading he is. You're both working, so both put into the family home, he doesn't get to be King of the Castle. I would also have that email printed out and take it with you for reference. See what your pdoc has to say about the behaviour.

It sounds like both you guys have some issues to work through. Do you think this new therapist is helping?

Oh and hello btw from a fellow Texan, I grew up in Kingwood, south of Houston. The heat and drout conditions are probably not helping anyones tempers stay cool either.

I hope that you can get things ironed out, I don't think I could remain in that kind of a situation for too long if there wasn't a therapist involved.

Good luck and take care.

kat

 
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Old 07-19-2011, 07:24 AM   #3
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect/ I need to improve (Lots of anxiety)

Thank you so much for reading my post and helping with advice. The first thing, you asked was, is the therapists helping? I'm not sure because he is determined that I have issues, not him. We have been going to this therapists for about six or seven months. When anything happens, he always says, "wait till I tell *** this!!" I do get on fb now. Usually I'm on the couch at night. The answer can't be because he wants my time because he has 13 computers upstairs and that's where he is most of the time. Although, now that he knows that I get on fb he used that as an excuse if something isn't done. etc. Like he said in my posts. "What did you do for five hrs. last night? " I had trouble going to sleep because I took my Vyvance later than I should. He said he turned the TV off at 4AM. therefore I had five hrs. to hang the shirts up. Since going to the therapist, things have been so much better. He used to get mad at me for so many reasons. That has been cut a lot. I will say that as I was cleaning the house (and the house is usually clean) I was vacuuming and doing everything that needed done and I would look over at the chairs and see that I still hadn't hung up two of the shirts. When he went into the kitchen to make his coffee last night he said "I wish you would put it back when you finish it b/c I have to always put it back. I told him that I hardly ever use the the nozzled spray hose. I know I put it back most of the time. (but I didn't argue) when he says things like this : this is where "OK I guess I'm going to have to start pointing it out to you b/c you don't believe me. I thanked him for putting it back in it's place. I guess I just have to know when he says I do something out of place. HE WILL ALWAYS SAY THAT I DO IT ALL THE TIME. His mom lives an hr. from us and I told him that I called her yesterday telling her I would go down Wed. and Thurs. and spend the time with her and work in her back yard. She is the most positive person that I know. I called the dr. to make an appt. this wk. and the only opening was Thurs. afternoon. So last night I told him that I would have to either go down today and tomorrow or have to wait till next week. It's just been the last couple of days that it seems like he's acting like he used to. It's because of this statement that I need to make sure that I journal everday. Like I said in my earlier post, I did a lot of reading on OCD (not in the category of washing or checking every few minutes. I hope you can have a clearer picture now. I appreciate so much you responding to my post b/c it gives me another perspective. I'm not wanting to cut my husband down at all I just want things fixed. What do you think now?
Thank you,

Last edited by Administrator; 07-26-2011 at 09:42 PM.

 
Old 07-19-2011, 07:34 AM   #4
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect/ I need to improve (Lots of anxiety)

Honestly, I think you might benefit from having your own therapist as he seems to claim this one....

Has he always been like this? The behavior is just so childish for a grown, married, established man.

I wouldn't "agree" with him everytime he says something cutting to you, but also wouldn't constantly fight with him about it. So it seems your handling it well by just not engaging him in a discussion....but it seems like it can be a very stifling relationship, and you would most likely benefit by having someone that you could confide in, without fear of something being said to your husband. Does that make sense?

Hopefully you guys can work through this.

Kat

Last edited by Administrator; 07-26-2011 at 09:41 PM.

 
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Old 07-19-2011, 07:54 AM   #5
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect/ I need to improve (Lots of anxiety)

Thanks Kat,
I was seeing a woman therapist for a couple of years and she did talk to him a couple of times and she felt sure that he had full blown OCD. Well, I knew he wouldn't go to her especially after telling him what she said. (she told me that she even told him to his face that he is OCD) and that's the reason I got the man therapist for us. He seems to like him a lot. I especially feel that way when he says "wait until I tell *** this. He has always been very anal about everything, ie. he didn't want me washing the drip pans from the oven in the front yard. He said that when I put old rags on the back porch (on the firewood holder) that sometimes they may stay out there for months. I told him that I didn't see that that was a problem. He now has an anwer. The last time he mowed he said one of them had blown into the grass and he ran over it and it shredded. He decided that he wanted me to put all the silverware down. He even down loaded manuals showing how they should be put in. Every once in a while he will put the dishes up from the dishwasher. Final decision is : if I puts the silverware in her way, (not his) then I can put them up. When I see things are going really good, BAAMMM! something happens... Like I said things have been pretty good since going to the therapist, just the last couple of days have scared me b/c I don't want it to be like it was before we started going to the th. I guess I wish the therapist did have a plan. I think his plan (or at least so far) is to just listen to us and then ask the other one "what were you thinking or how did you feel about that?" I'm not saying it's not helping at all, bt I just wonder if it could be more productive if there was some kind of plan.

Thank you so much for reading and helping.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-26-2011 at 09:40 PM.

 
Old 07-19-2011, 09:07 AM   #6
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect/ I need to improve (Lots of anxiety)

Yeah, I'm not getting that great a "vibe" when you talk about your current therapist. Your husband seems to think of him more as a buddy, who has his back. He does sound like there is something "mental/emotional" about his actions, OCD perhaps, but not standard presentation.

I take it your husband is not a big fan of talking things through with you (without arguing) or having his faults revealed....unfortunately one of the keystones of a good marriage is the ability to talk with your spouse and confront issues head on....the reason I left my marriage of 23yrs., my husband was not capapble of it, at all.

You guys have made a great start, employing the Therapist, perhaps you could talk with the Therapist privately and ask him to talk with your husband about his controlling behavior and ways to not be that way? I'm sorry, i'm just tossing out ideas here, but these situations don't have a manual....*l* it would be a heckuva lot easier if they did.

Try to hang in there, I'm sure you don't want to throw your marriage away over such a workable issue, but as you know....he has to be willing to "work" it...

Kat

 
Old 07-19-2011, 09:26 AM   #7
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect and that I need to improve or else.

What would be really helpful for you both is if you could work with the therapist to learn how to argue constructively. Right now, it seems like you both are too quick to say hurtful things during an argument. But if you guys learned how to communicate effectively with being able to be open but not rude about it, that would go a long way toward making things better for you.

 
Old 07-19-2011, 12:48 PM   #8
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect and that I need to improve or else.

I have to say when I read the first post, I kept thinking to myself, if that person was talking to me like that I'd tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine. Way too much attitude there! He makes it sound like he's delivering the almighty word from high above, give me a break.

IMO, not only is he OCD, he sounds like he's a flaming narcissist as well. All the signs are there and let me tell you from experience, living with such a person is not easy at all. It's like this, I talk-you listen, I know-you don't, anything but my way won't work. You get the idea. This type person doesn't leave much in the way of compromise. Honestly, I don't think he's going to get much out of counseling because deep down inside, he feels like he knows better than the expert. He may nod his head and look like he's taking it all in, but he's not. He'll do just enough so he doesn't appear to be the bad guy. That gets him off the hook and puts the blame somewhere else, because obviously he's the man and he couldn't possibly be wrong.

Sorry for the rambling but this hits close to home and I'm afraid you're in for a tough time. I wish you the best though.

Last edited by Whoopee; 07-19-2011 at 12:49 PM. Reason: phrasing

 
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:34 PM   #9
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Re: Husband thinks he's perfect and that I need to improve or else.

I want to thank all of you for giving me your opinions and ideas. I did call the therapist today and told him that I would like to see him alone before this coming Sat. so I could to him in private. You hit it on the nail when you said he acts like the therapist is his buddy. I am now in my fifties and don't want to run down and get a divorce without being able to say that I did all that I could. I'm still thinking of the things that I need to talk to the counselor about tomorrow. I know that I want to ask him exactly what his plan is. i really would want him to start confronting him more especially since he now has a lot of confidence in him.

I have set up an appt. with the dr. for Thurs. to talk to him about the Vyvance I've been taking for my ADD. After three months of taking it I realize that it is not helping me at all except for giving me energy. i have always bitten my nails and I now realize that I need something for anxiety not to increase the antidepressent I'm on. It's really helping me a lot journaling my thoughts and also to have concerned people respond with their ideas and thoughts. It's helping me to see more objectively. This morning when he left for work he told me that it would be a perfect time early before it starts raining (if it does, but it didn't) to go to the store. He has told me or I should say strongly suggested for me to do things in the past and when I didn't he would end up telling me that I don't believe him. When he called me around noon he asked if I had gone to the store and I told him that I had. I went on to Wal-mart around 3:00. I felt relaxed when I went in, but then I started thinking about the time and I could feel everything inside of me tightening up. I called him about 5:20 and he was already on his way home. i really started getting nervous after the call knowing that he would get home before me and then find out when I got home with all of the groceries he would then know that I had lied this morning. I will start paying attention to my inner feelings and then figure out where those anxious feeling are coming from. Again, thank you and please continue reading my journals and please be blunt and let me know honestly how you feel.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-26-2011 at 09:46 PM.

 
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