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Old 07-21-2011, 02:39 PM   #1
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Unhappy My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

I always turn to google in my times of need, and after typing in the title of this thread in the google search...it brought me here. I read through many of these posts, and decided to join to hopefully get some advice on my situation. ANY advice or suggestions would greatly appreciated!

The situation goes as follow: I am in a serious, committed relationship with my boyfriend. We are in an LDR, or Long-distance relationship, and met through unexpected circumstances. My best friend and his were also in an LDR, and we began to interact. It wasn't long before we began dating, and I have made several trips to go and see him. He lives in another country, and since he works, it was easier for me to go to him. I plan to move to to live with him, about two weeks from now. I love him very much, and he loves me as well. He is a perfect gentleman, and always treats me with the utmost respect and care...except for one teensy thing. He is obsessed with my past, and the guys I have been with. Now, in his defense, he has OCD, and combined with that, trust issues within. He's had rough relationships in the past, and has been treated very poorly. However...

Recently he has begun to go overboard with this. We cannot go a few hours without him bringing up my past, asking detailed questions about guys I have slept with, what exactly I have done, how many times, etc. He wants every single detail about everything I have done. As annoying as this can be at times, I have no issue with telling him. The issue is that he becomes withdrawn, angry, and incredibly upset. He gets angry over things that I have done in my past, and sometimes can be very brutal about it. He has gone into fits and called me 'disgusting', 'gross', 'easy', 'a *****', and makes me feel very bad about what I have done. (He calls the 'old me' these things, if that makes a difference, I'm not sure...) He knows very well that I regret my past, as I was a party-goer and have slept with my share of guys, both relationships and flings, and that I would certainly change it if I could. However, the catch is that he has slept with almost as many as I have (I have slept with eleven men including him, and including me he has slept with ten woman) and I have only asked him about his past on few occasions. I have never gotten angry or upset with him over his. He is constantly asking for the tiniest details, and gets angry with ME when I tell him something he doesn't like, which is ANYTHING to do with my sexual past. I'm not going to lie to him, but i'm not sure what I can do. It has begun to get very stressful.

I feel as if he has begun to focus more on my past than on our present, as a couple. I try my best to be supportive and to just reassure that he is the only one that matters, but lately it has gotten worse. I am not sure how to handle this behavior anymore, but I am willing to do anything to make us work. He has threatened to break up with me over my past and has stated that 'he shouldnt have to carry the burden of my .... past'. I have tried to tell him how I feel about all of this, but he always turns it around like he is the one that is suffering. I know it hurts to think about me being with another man, but am I wrong to feel incredibly hurt and judged by this behavior? I am desperate for advice on this matter! ):
(Breaking up is not an option for me! I love him, and he is perfect in ever regard, besides this one. I just need help on dealing with this!)

Last edited by Administrator; 09-10-2011 at 05:28 PM.

 
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:45 PM   #2
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

please reconsider this relationship, or at the very least reconsider moving to another country for this guy......this constant badgering will get old....trust me....you think it's bad now? wait until you're there with him....and he will have the upper hand because he's still in his comfort zone and you moved far away and have no one but him to depend on......this will get real ugly, fast.....
next time he asks an inappropriate question, just tell him "I'm not discussing that", or "I'm not getting into that", and DON'T!
whatever answer you give will not satisfy him......

 
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:51 PM   #3
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

Thank you for such a fast reply...
I've been considering this for a long time, and i've felt that it may get better once I am there. I am hoping that if I am there I can stop these fits before they begin to fester in his head (Which is why sometimes it gets so bad...it gets on his brain, and instead of opening up, he lets it eat at him)
Does that make any sense, or do you think I would be able to make a difference in that way? ):

EDIT: He also has bipolar disorder and is supposed to be taking medication for both that and his OCD. He was diagnosed by a psychologist when he was younger and does suffer from depression as well. He has a history of self harm, and was admitted to a rehab, where he was diagnosed with this. I'm not sure if this behavior is the product of this, or not. He also is supposed to take sleeping pills for his insomnia, but refuses to take any of his medication. I have always been very supportive of him, and I love him very much. Just starting to get incredibly stressed over this behavior. ):

Last edited by Ms Tee; 07-21-2011 at 03:12 PM.

 
Old 07-21-2011, 03:39 PM   #4
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

I think it would be a huge, huge mistake for you to move there. He clearly has many issues which are not resolved, which you will never in all of your life be able to fix for him. He has absolutely no right whatsoever to badger you about that stuff, it is none of his damn business! What does he expect you to do about things that have already happened? What good does it do to keep rehashing it? It does way more damage for him to keep bringing it up than to just leave the past in the past.

If you move there with him, you will be setting yourself up for major disappointment. I don't see how you could possibly think it could get better by you moving there! It will only get worse and you will have nowhere to go when things turn really ugly, which they absolutely will because of all of his mental problems, guaranteed. The only thing you can be sure of 100% is that things will get really bad really quick because he has a serious mental problem and that's why he keeps bringing this up over and over again. It won't ever stop. That's why you should absolutely not under any circumstances move there because you will be totally trapped with nowhere to go in a foreign country. At that point all you can do is hope to be deported so you can come back and start a new life away from this guy.

 
Old 07-21-2011, 04:11 PM   #5
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

I have to agree strongly with the others. Considering he has made a choice not to follow through with the standard therapies for all the ales him, he has the potential for any number of things to happen, the best of ones being that he drives you crazy and you have to escape his clutches, and the worst possibility is something none of us want to see happen to anyone, much less a wide eyed trusting young woman.

Please don't do it, unless of course you are professional in the mental health field that has years of experience in handing such multiple diagnosis's. As beautiful you intentions to fix him are, they are very misguided, and could potentially ruin your entire life.

Find a guy who you can watch his daily actions, his relationships with his family, how he treats his mother...all much better methods of determining one's true self.

 
Old 07-21-2011, 04:13 PM   #6
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

Its sounds like he is very insecure and it will only get worse as time goes on. EVERYONE who has had a relationship carries some sort of baggage with them, however, it is NO excuse to ever belittle or disrespect your partner. Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect. How is him treating you like that being respectful to you? Do you call people terrible names if you respect them?

I'm sorry but with all of those disorders that you mentioned and his refusal to take his medications it's not going be better if you go up. These are HUGE red flags that are the size of a building waving in front of you.

It's your decision to go up there, however, I hope you are prepared to be his emotional punching bag. His outburst/anger won't stop there and without him taking his medications, it could get violent. He is NOT going to change and you CAN NOT save him or his disorders. He is the only one that can do that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms Tee View Post
(Breaking up is not an option for me! I love him, and he is perfect in ever regard, besides this one. I just need help on dealing with this!)
This is where I think everyone who reads this will disagree with you. You ALWAYS have the option to walk away and he is far from being perfect. If a friend of yours posted this and you read it, would you really tell them that this is a great relationship to be in??

Also, as much as I hate to say it, Love DOES NOT EQUAL HAPPINESS. Only you can decide if you want to be happy or if you want to be miserable while making yourself believe it's love.
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Last edited by Administrator; 09-10-2011 at 05:30 PM.

 
Old 07-21-2011, 04:58 PM   #7
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

As much as you may want to, you can't fix him. I hope you realize this. Whether you stay here or move there, it won't make it any easier to deal with all of his many, many problems. If he had just one of those disorders it would be hard enough, but to have so many going on at the same time and he refuses to get on meds to work through it? He is literally a walking advertisement for a mental institution. People who are unmedicated with bipolar and OCD make everyone's lives around them miserable all the time. And then they get angry because they think its everyone else who has a problem, not them. It's a horrible, tragic life to live with someone like him and I can't imagine anyone with any sense of self preservation would willingly put themselves in that environment. It has tragedy written all over it from start to finish. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need to think very hard about your life and the freedom and happiness that you will be giving up if you go live with him. I would rather stab myself with a rusty knife 100 times than to subject myself to that kind of misery.

 
Old 07-22-2011, 06:32 AM   #8
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

Hi, I feel for you as when a person loves someone that much they are willing to do almost anything to be with that person. That said, sometimes the only way to learn is to live it.

I once loved someone very deeply and I knew he had mental disorders though I was not sure exactly what he had. I would become upset from his outbursts, his lies, etc. yet I forgave him because I loved him that much. Later on I realized he was a sociopath and even then I still loved him though during that time I was trying to separate myself from him emotionally which I did. It took me a long time to get over him simply because I saw the "good" in him.

I knew I could never change him and I didn't even try. I just loved him but he drained me and I needed to let go of him for my own sanity and inner peace.

Again, sometimes the only way we learn is by living it. I wish you the best!

Sunny

 
Old 07-22-2011, 06:57 AM   #9
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

oh honey no.....especially now that you say he's bipolar, i was married to an unmedicated bi-polar man for 10 years.....it doesn't get better it gets worse. you can't fix him and he's not interested in fixing himself......
this would be a train wreck, and you will end up very hurt and broken, emotionally and possibly physically.....please, please don't do it.

 
Old 07-22-2011, 11:16 AM   #10
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

My biggest fear for you is getting so far from home and enduring what ever he feels is his right to possess you, to badger you, and you have no way out. If you have to go to see for yourself, please always have enough money squirreled away to get yourself out of there at a moments notice if things get scary. Having a mental disorder or two, three, whatever the number is, is not his fault, but choosing to bring another person into that chaos is irresponsible.. While he might not see it that way, you need to look beyond his ability to make sound decisions for someone else, when he has chosen not to take care of himself.

I encourage you to take some time reading the boards dealing with OCD and bipolar disorders here, and see what you can learn about those fighting these issues, as well as their loved ones.

Choosing a partner with such mental challenges is choosing a life full of difficulties. If you have to do this, please always have yourself an escape plan...,my best to you

 
Old 07-22-2011, 12:34 PM   #11
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

I just dated a bipolar man who did the same thing to me for a bit over a year. Let's just say we broke up and he would call me <disgusting names> and I haven't slept with anyone in seven years but him. Don't tell him a thing. NOTHING will help. You are in for a nightmare. Sorry, being real.

Last edited by Administrator; 09-10-2011 at 05:32 PM.

 
Old 07-22-2011, 12:45 PM   #12
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

Not to pile on but I too was in such a relationship. I was married to my ex for almost 25 years and at about year 15 or so, she started with the BP depression thing and sought help. So far so good but then over the next 5+ years she stopped communicating with her doctor and slipped further and further from reality. Now, I'm all for sticking it out in marriage but when one participant so clearly demonstrates they don't care one bit whether they get better or not, I'm out! She got so bad at the end that I did anything to not be in the house. She'd provoke me all the time and eventually pulled a 9mm Glock on me for what, because although she'd been home all day, I needed to do the dishes right then! So, I got a pistol pulled on me. This, of course, was the final straw. In the hearing for the restraining order (in a packed courthouse) I had to tell my story about the dishes. You'd have thought I was a comedian, even the judge laughed! Aside from all that, I was granted the order and that really was the beginning of the end of my marriage.

Anyway, as you can tell, and especially if he's not taking care of himself, this will not have a happy ending. I really wish I could tell you differently but that's the deal. I wish you all the best!

 
Old 07-22-2011, 02:33 PM   #13
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

edited.....got confused with another post. sorry

leave him, hes no good at all for you. he treats you badly and it wont change. if you move in with him it WILL get worse. find someone better id say.

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Old 07-22-2011, 03:02 PM   #14
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

He's an abuser. leave him.
By tolerating his abuse and allowing him to make you feel "bad", you've already proven to him that you have absolutely zero self-esteem and will neither protect nor defend yourself against his abuse.
Therefore, he feels entirely justified in continuing it (wouldn't you?), and it's only going to escalate. Emotional abuse this severe will invariably turn physical in time, if it hasn't already.
Get away quick. Text him and tell him it's over, and never to contact you again.
If he wants to know why, tell him that based on your vast sexual experience, he's an unsatisfactory lover and therefore you're leaving him for a real man.

Best of luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 07-22-2011 at 03:03 PM.

 
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Old 07-22-2011, 03:15 PM   #15
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Re: My boyfriend is obsessed with my sexual past, please help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kali333 View Post
He's an abuser. leave him.
By tolerating his abuse and allowing him to make you feel "bad", you've already proven to him that you have absolutely zero self-esteem and will neither protect nor defend yourself against his abuse.
Therefore, he feels entirely justified in continuing it (wouldn't you?), and it's only going to escalate. Emotional abuse this severe will invariably turn physical in time, if it hasn't already.
Get away quick. Text him and tell him it's over, and never to contact you again.
If he wants to know why, tell him that based on your vast sexual experience, he's an unsatisfactory lover and therefore you're leaving him for a real man.

Best of luck.
i agree with this , but if you said hes a crap lover and your going to find better he might freak out big time on you and become very dangerous. saying that would provoke him even though he still would have no right to behave worse.

definately tell him its over though and change ya number instantly so he can't try and talk you round by begging and saying im sorry and ill change. its rubbish.

 
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