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Old 07-22-2011, 09:18 AM   #1
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Post I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on a board like this...I know for much of this story I am in the wrong, and a big part of me knows what I need to do- but I need to get this off my chest and seek advice from non-bias people.

I was always very shy- I had a lot of female friends but when it came to anything more, it wasn't happening. One of these friends is the girl who I know deep down I'm in love with. From the moment I met her I felt a connection (corny I know)- I told her a couple of times (a brave thing for me) and she- very respectfully- said that we were just friends- she'd just come out of a long term relationship and had many upheavals going on at home.

The night I met my girlfriend, I was out for a friend's leaving party- my girlfriend to be and the girl who I have feelings for were in the same place. Before I met my now girlfriend, I asked the girl again where she stood with regards to me, and she said she 'didn't want to answer that question whilst we were both drunk'- at the time, I thought (rashly) it was another brush off…the rest is history- I got talking to this other girl, we had a lot to drink (clichéd I know) and before I knew it I was in my first serious relationship.

This girl makes me happy- but I know, deep down, she isn't right for me. Why? I can't put my finger on it. She makes me laugh, I'm attracted to her, we very rarely argue and enjoy each others company- BUT- since day one, the thought of the other girl has hung over me. This is the start of the bit I know where I'm in the wrong, but I'm just trying to be as honest as possible.

I could tell by the other girl's reaction that she wasn't happy with the fact I was now in relationship (it turned out my gf was in the same year as her at school as well)- I initially dismissed it- it wasn't exactly for the want of trying that I wasn't with her, and I just thought she was a bit jealous, end of story.

As time has progressed, I started thinking about her- alot- and I missed her close we used to be (as we stopped hanging out now that I was with my gf). On a couple of occasions I asked her how she felt about me, and she said that she couldn’t answer that question whilst I was in a relationship with someone that loves me.

She (a beautiful, funny, smart girl) has remained single by choice for about 20 months or so- but has now been with someone for 4 months- one of her best friends. This isn't me sounding bitter (genuinely), but everything she's said about it has shown me she's not truly happy with him.

I'm conscious of this turning into an essay so I'll wrap it up- a couple of months ago- she was very drunk and told me that she was in love with me. If I was single, I would have been shouting this from the rooftops- as it was, I felt completely deflated.

The reason? Well... I'm in a relationship. My girlfriend is manic depressive and has psychotic episodes in the past. The reason I'm saying this is simply that I fear what she'll do if I break it off with her. She has said as much that she thinks if ever we broke up she would have a psychotic episode. I tried to finish it once (about 2 months into our relationship) and quite simply bottled it. Since then, as stated earlier, she makes me happy- and she absolutely does not deserve this mental deception I've got going on. Part of me has been wishing her to make an error or meet someone else, so I'd have a reason. At the moment, my reason to her is- well, it's that I care for her deeply- but I know she's not the 'one' (something that she says I am to her).

Last night, me and the other girl went out again with some other people and it opened my eyes as to how much actually I love her. She asked me about my relationship and vice versa- she knows hers (with her previous best friend) is going to come to an end- I know for a fact there is another guy (who's just come out of a 4 year relationship) on the scene who she cares for greatly- I was devastated when I heard she was with her now bf (even though I had no right to be!) and the thought of it happening again is unbearable.

I know, deep down, if I could wish for one thing, it would be to be with this other girl (who I know I'm in love with) and not hurt my current girlfriend. However, that's not going to happen. The sad thing is she has no idea about any of this- she talks about the future, holidays and the likes of moving in \ marriage etc- in a way it would be easier if she did know something was wrong, so she could at least expect it.

Has anyone got any advice? I know I need to hold the mirror up to myself and accept I've actually been cowardly- I haven't had the courage of my convictions and I don't want to hurt my current gf, but I know I've actually made it worse by being like this.


Thanks for reading.

 
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Old 07-22-2011, 02:31 PM   #2
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

You need to man up and tell your girlfriend it is over and tell her gently that you just dont feel the same way. You can't stay just because you feel sorry for her or because your worried she will get depressed or have an episode.

 
Old 07-22-2011, 02:35 PM   #3
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

As much as it isn't pleasant to hurt someone else's feelings, it also isn't right to be with someone you're unhappy being with. Also, you are not responsible for someone else's actions if they are mentally ill. I agree, this makes your situation even more unpleasant,
but it sounds like you already know where your heart is, and what you have to do.
My only other advice is to really allow relationships to bloom before you think that you're so head over heels in love. Don't let being a romantic encourage you not to be realistic about your relationships, NONE of which are perfect.
Good luck! Sue

 
Old 07-22-2011, 03:15 PM   #4
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

This is why it's such a bad idea to get into a relationship when you know you're pining away for someone else. But what's done is done now. I htink you need to end it with your current girlfriend, whether or not things work out with the other girl. Looks like she's got dudes lined up around the block anyway.

You can't lie to your girlfriend anymore. I had a rocky relationship with someone I loved very very much, but I was inexperienced and he told me a couple of times "I wish you had dated a lot of men before me" because he felt I didn't 'understand' men enough. But when the "I wish you had dated other men" turned into "I wish you would date other men" I was too stupid, too naive and too lost in what I was hoping the relationship would be to hear what he was really saying. When he left, abruptly and unceremoniously, the part that hurt the most was how foolish I had been, and the fact that I didn't see what was going on behind the I love yous and the silence and the half-heartedness while I prattled on about our future plans (but in fairness, he made plans too, and we really took turns turning cold with each other).

But you are doing no one any favors by lying to your girlfriend. And you know that the day must come when you need to leave her, unless you're planning on marrying her, having kids with her, and living the rest of your life with her just to avoid hurting her. Better now than later. But if you feel she'll hurt hersefl or go off the deep end, then enlist her friends and family so they will be ready to rally around her when you let her down easy. And be prepared. Just because you toss your girlfriend, that doesn't mean this other woman will come running. She may very well say "well, sorry, I really like this newest guy and I want to stay with him." I gotta say, it's really sad how the two of you keep pussyfooting around each other and the whole thing. I don't know why you haven't said "we're both really unhappy, and want to be together, so let's leave our partners and be together." But you shouldn't wait for that to happen to be honest with poor girlfriend of yours. She deserves better.

 
Old 07-22-2011, 03:29 PM   #5
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend will move on and find someone else. People just assume they will be heart broken for ever but they always get over them. They move on and date other people.

Your girlfriend deserves respect and for you to be just honest with her and do the kindest thing and let her go. This is not fair on her. It is not fair that shes planning a future with you and you have no intentions of going along with it.

How would you feel?

Last edited by cryingforever; 07-22-2011 at 03:29 PM.

 
Old 07-23-2011, 06:33 AM   #6
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

I think.. just be honest with your current girlfriend about how you feel and what you have in mind. If he can't accept it, and getting crazy, well.. it proves that she doesn't love you that much.. to love is to let go, explain to her, what you feel for her maybe a different kind of love, and you wish her happy and she deserve better... since you love this other girl, i don't think keeping your current girlfriend is a way to both of you happiness.. or maybe you can ask your gf for time to think.. and no contact to them both.. for about three days or a week.. and just get busy with your work.. and see if you keep the other girl in your mind instead of your gf.. the most import thing is talk and be honest about the situation that you are facing to your gf.
Cheerio.. goodluck!!

 
Old 07-29-2011, 07:08 AM   #7
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

Thank you for your replies :-)

Well, I did something I never thought I'd do- and I told my girlfriend how I felt. As it stands, we've split up- it was the most painful thing I've ever had to do, and it breaks my heart...I guess, cliched as it sounds, the right choices aren't always the easiest ones.

I don't know about the future- she said to me to contact her if I want her back- I know, for both of us though, that can't happen. Just wanted to post on here and let some feelings out, as I've never felt like this before- all I'm thinking of in my head are the good memories we had together, all the little things where we made each other laugh over silly stuff no one else would understand. When I think of that, it devastates me what I've done and I question whether it was in fact the right move :-\

 
Old 07-29-2011, 09:06 AM   #8
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

Of course you will miss her BUT if you got back with her you will be at square one again. Heart been with the other girl, but with this girl only because you miss her.

Time is key here. Stay by yourself for a little bit till you work out what you want and how you feel.

 
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Old 08-02-2011, 11:03 PM   #9
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Re: I'm in love with someone other than my girlfriend.

Please tell her ASAP!! Bottom line, the longer you continue to drag things along, the more psychotic she is going to be. Honestly, I'm in the same situation, but funny thing is, Im the psychotic girlfriend. If she really psychotic, she probably has an idea on whats going on or can tell from your vibe. Cut loose cause the longer you put things off, the more damaging it can be at the end.. smh

 
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