This is my first post on a board like this...I know for much of this story I am in the wrong, and a big part of me knows what I need to do- but I need to get this off my chest and seek advice from non-bias people.
I was always very shy- I had a lot of female friends but when it came to anything more, it wasn't happening. One of these friends is the girl who I know deep down I'm in love with. From the moment I met her I felt a connection (corny I know)- I told her a couple of times (a brave thing for me) and she- very respectfully- said that we were just friends- she'd just come out of a long term relationship and had many
upheavals going on at home.
The night I met my girlfriend, I was out for a friend's leaving party- my girlfriend to be and the girl who I have feelings for were in the same place. Before I met my now girlfriend, I asked the girl again where she stood with regards to me, and she said she 'didn't want to answer that question whilst we were both drunk'- at the time, I thought (rashly) it was another brush off…the rest is history- I got talking to this other girl, we had a lot to drink (clichéd I know) and before I knew it I was in my first serious relationship.
This girl makes me happy- but I know, deep down, she isn't right for me. Why? I can't put my finger on it. She makes me laugh, I'm attracted to her, we very rarely argue and enjoy each others company- BUT- since day one, the thought of the other girl has hung over me. This is the start of the bit I know where I'm in the wrong, but I'm just trying to be as honest as possible.
I could tell by the other girl's reaction that she wasn't happy with the fact I was now in relationship (it turned out my gf was in the same year as her at school as well)- I initially dismissed it- it wasn't exactly for the want of trying that I wasn't with her, and I just thought she was a bit jealous, end of story.
As time has progressed, I started thinking about her- alot- and I missed her close we used to be (as we stopped hanging out now that I was with my gf). On a couple of occasions I asked her how she felt about me, and she said that she couldn’t answer that question whilst I was in a relationship with someone that loves me.
She (a beautiful, funny, smart girl) has remained single by choice for about 20 months or so- but has now been with someone for 4 months- one of her best friends. This isn't me sounding bitter (genuinely), but everything she's said about it has shown me she's not truly happy with him.
I'm conscious of this turning into an essay so I'll wrap it up- a couple of months ago- she was very drunk and told me that she was in love with me. If I was single, I would have been shouting this from the rooftops- as it was, I felt completely deflated.
The reason? Well... I'm in a relationship. My girlfriend is manic depressive and has psychotic episodes in the past. The reason I'm saying this is simply that I fear what she'll do if I break it off with her. She has said as much that she thinks if ever we broke up she would have a psychotic episode. I tried to finish it once (about 2 months into our relationship) and quite simply bottled it. Since then, as stated earlier, she makes me happy- and she absolutely does not deserve this mental deception I've got going on. Part of me has been wishing her to make an error or meet someone else, so I'd have a reason. At the moment, my reason to her is- well, it's that I care for her deeply- but I know she's not the 'one' (something that she says I am to her).
Last night, me and the other girl went out again with some other people and it opened my eyes as to how much actually I love her. She asked me about my relationship and vice versa- she knows hers (with her previous best friend) is going to come to an end- I know for a fact there is another guy (who's just come out of a 4 year relationship) on the scene who she cares for greatly- I was devastated when I heard she was with her now bf (even though I had no right to be!) and the thought of it happening again is unbearable.
I know, deep down, if I could wish for one thing, it would be to be with this other girl (who I know I'm in love with) and not hurt my current girlfriend. However, that's not going to happen. The sad thing is she has no idea about any of this- she talks about the future, holidays and the likes of moving in \ marriage etc- in a way it would be easier if she did know something was wrong, so she could at least expect it.
Has anyone got any advice? I know I need to hold the mirror up to myself and accept I've actually been cowardly- I haven't had the courage of my convictions and I don't want to hurt my current gf, but I know I've actually made it worse by being like this.
Thanks for reading.