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Old 07-24-2011, 09:46 PM   #1
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Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phase

Hi, I'm back. Most of the day was really good. but then this afternoon I tried to tell him why it upset me about something he said the other day. Things went downhill from there. I have learned to not get caught up in it like I used to. He then brought up when I mowed the yard the other day. It took two days b/c of the heat. I mowed the front, back. sides except a little area on one side of the house. He asked why did I have to ask him to finish it for me. He said I had the entire day to finish it. He said for the life of him he didn't understand it. He said, "I expect when you start something to finish it." Then he asked about the butter dish. He asked what happened with the idea of leaving it on the counter. It was a good plan for thre weeks. I was gone for a week and upon returning I forgot and saw that the butter was all melted and I put it in the fridge. He got really mad and kept on about it. He then started reminding me of other things I had been messing up on. He said I have been acting the way I used to and I want to battle with everything he says. I now realize more than ever that his behavior tonight is OCPD and it will help nothing for me to engage. I don't even know if counseling will help, but I'm staying positive. Any ideas?????

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Old 07-24-2011, 10:27 PM   #2
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Hi butterfly53,

I am sorry I did not read you prior post, but from this one I get the picture of quite an angry and nit picky man. So, you realize his reactions are partially brought on by illness? I am not familiar with OCPD, but can I assume it is OCD related?

Good for you to understand how the effects of any disorder can drive people to act in ways they might not otherwise. The question is how long or to what extent you can live with that level of treatment, or continue should it become worse. No one's life is enhanced by another person picking on them about simple day to day things, In this world we all need every bit of encouragement we can get, and i hope by coming here you are getting some of that from us.

It sounds like both the butter and the lawn being mowed were both related to it being too hot! Sounds like it has made you pretty hot yourself. Has either of you had any counseling, or education about his issues? While you seem to know you cannot engage him when he is a certain way, do you have any other tools to use to protect your feelings and your sense of self esteem when he goes on a spree of insulting and belittling you? I hope so, life is too short to be treated poorly by the one that is supposed to love you the most.

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Old 07-25-2011, 11:16 AM   #3
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Thank you so much for responding. It does help for someone to bounce ideas off of and hopfully give advice. We are both seeing a man counselor, yet my husband truly believes it's to help me. I'm so beside myself because things have been so good since we've been going to the counselor. I went away to NY with my best gf and had a fabulous time and he likes it when I go places b/c it gives him time to himself. He was an only child and he can work on computers for hours. I did mention to him one time that I thought he had ocpd and he thought that idea was crazy. I didn't expect any other response I guess. What makes me mad about last night is the fact that when he kept on and on about this and that I wish I would have said time out. The counselor did say we needed to do that and then come back to the table after a while. I guess I didn't think about me saying tme out or "I can see that your upset so I'm going to the store and will be back in a little while". I stayed and listened and tried to justify why I did this or that. I fell back into my codependent self.

I am becoming aware of things, but I just haven't gotten there all the way yet; meaning like what I just said "I can see you're upset and I will be back in a little while." This morning I sat down and made a chart for me to use as a reminder. I have listed things that upset him like: making sure that his chair at the bar is clear when I go to bed. #2. Make sure I have brought in all old rags from back patio. #3 make sure his coffee pot area is clear. #4 Make sure if I was busy while doing clothes and hung his shirts on the back of chairs that I get them that night and hang them in the closet. #5 Make sure bed is completely cleared off when we go to bed. #6 Make sure spray nozzle is put back in place in kitchen sink if I use it.(when I was confronted with that problem) I told him that I hardly ever used it he got mad and said "I didn't say how much you use it. I just said that I always have to put it up. Many times when he complains about something I do, he says I always do it!!! I realize that and don't really know if that's what he thinks or if he just throws that in for drama. I don't know. I guess I'm at the point that I'm going to try to figure this out. We've been married for ten years. No kids between us. He's never been married; no kids. I have two grown boys. Him and I were very good friends before we got married.
Thank you for helping. I really am trying to be objective about this and not be just bad mouthing him.

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Old 07-25-2011, 11:37 AM   #4
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Oh my god this man treats you like a child! I was absolutely horrified reading this thread and your other one. He is horrible and abusive and by making this list you're just letting him get away with it!

Your fear of him and your list of ways to avoid being scolded are the biggest red flags ever!

Please please look at what you are doing to try to make life tolerable with this man. You will never get it right. He will always have something to find fault with and the harder you try, the deeper you dig yourself into this rut. (You said it yourself "codependent".)

If there is any way you can leave the situation, I strongly urge you to consider it. You wrote that you don't want to get a divorce without being able to say that you did all that you could. You'd be amazed at how much abuse someone can take before they realize that 'taking abuse' is not the same as doing all you can. How much abuse do you have to take before it's too much?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you find a way out.

 
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:57 AM   #5
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

It made tears come to my eyes when you said "I was being treated like a child" because that's exactly how I feel. Yes, I know that I'm codependent and if I wasn't I probably be gone by now. Please stay with me. I am going to start going back to codependent classes as a matter of fact, he thinks I should. What he doesn't realize is that it's something good for me because it makes me stronger. I'm so mad at myself for staying and listening last night. The last time he did it, it went on for quite a while. It was because he wanted a dark brown rug for his bathroom and they didn't have one so I got a light brown one thinking I would pick one up when I found one. He said, " I can't believe you" That would be like me asking you to get some oranges at the store and you came back with bananas, because they didn't have oranges. Please stay with me because I really want to figure things out. Just help me stay strong, maybe part of me thinks that one day he will finally realize that there is a problem with him and he will hold me and say I'm sorry. Please don't tell me to leave, at least not yet. Thank you for listening and I hope you continue listening. Hopefully the day will come if nothing changes and I will be stronger to leave.

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Old 07-25-2011, 12:40 PM   #6
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

he's not going to change......if I were you I'd tell him, if you don't think I cut the grass fast enough, YOU should do it.
If you don't like the rug I picked out, YOU go shopping.
If you want the butter on the counter or not on the counter YOU can put it there.....
he's a petty petty man on a power trip.....stop playing his game
you aren't his servant

 
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Old 07-25-2011, 01:56 PM   #7
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

He wants you to go to codependency classes???? That part just made me cringe because his whole existence is based on your codependency! If you weren't completely passive and went along with whatever he wanted, then he would fly off the handle! He'd have to go get his own freaking bathroom rug or oranges and hang up his own shirts! Ahhhhhh! I'm so mad reading your posts, he is just not a good man and he is making you feel like you are the one with a problem. He has a big problem--he is abusive, controlling, most likely OCD, and is manipulating you--and I truly feel that he is in some way manipulating the counselor as well. Please go see your own counselor that he doesn't have any contact with, maybe even allow that counselor to talk to your marriage counselor, I think that might help.

 
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Old 07-25-2011, 02:22 PM   #8
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Thank you so much for responding. I get to the point at times of thinking that I'm not doing all I can do or............................. and yes I realize that he is making me feel this way. I hope everyone keeps up with my posts and gives me guidance. I have talked to this counselor and told him that I think it's important that I start seeing him by myself in between our time. I'm thinking though..... that I should go back to the woman counselor that I was going to before I started to this man for the both of us. She met my husband a couple of times and talked to him and told him that he had OCPD or OCPD symptoms. That happened at a time when he saw her by himself. He didn't even tell me that, she did. I'm going to use this board as a journal. I appreciate everyone reading and giving me their opinions. Thank you.

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Old 07-25-2011, 03:01 PM   #9
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Do you love him?
Why you even with him?
What do you get out of the relationship?

Hope you answer those.

He is controlling you , nagging, bullying to try make you into his idea of little mrs perfect. Tell him to stuff for himself and also tell him to get out. I would. I put up with this type of relationship before.....NEVER AGAIN. You dont need this and you dont deserve it either. As rose said , your not his servant so tell him to go do it himself.

 
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Old 07-25-2011, 09:35 PM   #10
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

You're not the first person that has asked me these questions. I even ask myself these questions sometimes. I do know that I'm codependent and I've made my mind believe that I'm not as codependent as I used to be. It's so funny because I understand how and why codependency happens. In my case, my dad was my dad since I was six months old. (making him my step-dad) he died when he was 59- cancer. I got kicked in the butt for peeling the potatoes too thick and other things. He died right before I graduated from college. I cried and still cry sometimes because I never completed the task. I wanted him to be so proud of me. I'm the oldest of five kids and the only one that went to college, the only one that didn't get involved in drugs. I don't know if I miss him because I love him or because I just didn't get it right for him. I know that before I married my husband I went through several men and would do anything to make them happy. The relationship would end and I would feel like such a failure. It is because of this that I understand just how important the relationship between a father and his girl/girls is.

I understand what is happening logically, but the emotional part just isn't strong enough to let go. I know that the incident concerning the lt. brown rug was one of the worst. I was ridiculed so bad and was crying. Last night wasn't quite as bad. Today I thought about what I could have and should have done to not let myself get into that position. I told him today that not only him, but I also had the right to call either a time out when things were out of hand or I would just say "I'll be back in a while" Everything is done by logic by him and I don't let logic control my life. Even one of the things that he was mad about last night (the butter dish) he said we had discussed it over a month ago with the counselor saying that I never put out or used his Land of Lakes butter. Counselor said to put the dish on counter that way it would not be hard to cut. We both thought that was a great idea. The other day after coming back from my trip in NY with my best friend I saw the dish on the counter and the butter was nearly completely melted. I didn't think and just put it in the fridge and I also put a fourth of a stick of another butter at the end. That's why he was so mad. I apologized to him and said that I didn't even think, I just saw it was completely melted and I put it in the fridge and I put another stick at the end. We now have a tub, and my butter dish in the fridge and his on the counter. I told him that instead of him acting the way he did, why couldn't he have been calm about it and not assume that I did it in a revengeful way and us come up with a solution. Please keep reading, I do think I will start going to a Co-dependent meeting. I appreciate your thoughts and opinions.

Thank you,

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Old 07-25-2011, 09:39 PM   #11
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

We will stay with you... Use this forum to organize your thoughts, and let your feelings flow out. I can see how you need us right now, and I assure you we will stay on to help you through this. This is a safe place to vent your feelings and figure out your thoughts without judgement. We are here to help you, and please feel free to use this place to make yourself most happy.

Tell us more about this man, and it will free your mind of so much weight! There are quite a group of strong women here to help you through this.

Janet

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Old 07-25-2011, 10:08 PM   #12
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Thank you so much, because like I said, the logic in me sees him as being real cruel I don't think he realizes that he's cruel. I don't tell any of my friends at school anymore because most of their atittudes is to leave the creep. I know it's something that I have to figure out. I don't mind anything bad anyone says about him b/c it's probably true. I know that at one time in my life when I did go to codependency classes, it made me strong in the sense that I wouldn't listen and sometimes I even talked back. I even got to the pt. that I felt like I didn't need that person in my life. When Charles tells me to go, he has no idea what he is really asking me. I guess part of me is hoping that somewheere along the line he will see the light. Thank you so much for understanding that I just can't leave him right now. I'm just not strong enough.
Thank you all,

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Old 07-26-2011, 06:33 AM   #13
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

ok you may not be strong enough to leave him just yet, but you need to start standing up for yourself! Stop taking his nonsense....

 
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Old 07-26-2011, 07:37 AM   #14
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Thank you Rose,
Yes, you are right and I didn't stand up for myself when he went on and on about the butter dish. I told him last night that I would not stand around with him talking to me like that again. I guess I get caught up in the moment. I almost feel like a child at that moment. At the top of my list this morning is finding where and when the next codependency meeting meets. Thank you for caring. I feel like I have a lot of support since I've been writing.

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Old 07-26-2011, 11:29 AM   #15
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Re: Husband still thinks he's perfect yet things are now getting worse or it's a phas

Hi again, i totally agree what rose said you need to start standing up for yourself your feelings, thoughts, voice and needs are important aswell, not just his. You are not put on this earth to please him and to do what he wants 24/7 and to take his crap.

Us humans get ONE life , and if you go through out life doing what he says and doing everything for him then you are not living , you are existing -for him.

Do what makes YOU happy. Life is about living and experiences and creating fabulous memorys, if you keep doing this when you are a old lady and you look back on your life all you will have is miserable and unhappy memorys.

 
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