After much confusion and debate, I think I've finally made up my mind to break up with my boyfriend of 8 months, I've tried to do it twice or so, but everytime I've tried it he has gotten really upset (crying) and convinced me not break up with him. I have gone 'round and 'round with this but I simply don't feel it anymore, the thing is, I'm terrible at hurting people, I feel horrible about it and I need to know what the best way to go about this is.
thanks for reading!
"tell me, what was your face before your mother and father were born?"
I think it's just a matter of choosing not to fall prey to his emotional manipulation. He most likely doesn't MEAN to manipulate you, may not even know he's doing it, but his tears and his reaction makes you not break up with him, it's actually YOU who is choosing to be responsible for his actions and feelings, when you really aren't IF you've been fair and honest and respectful with him all along. If you've lied to him and used him, then that's another matter. BUT if you haven't then you have to realize that you've done all you can to conduct this relationship in a healthy, respectful, adult manner, and if it isn't working, it just isn't working. And all you can do is let him know you realize he's hurt and you're sorry if it hurts him. But you know in your heart that you can't stay with someone out of pity or out of a fear of hurting them. You're not doing them or yourself any favors in the long run. You don't HAVE to choose to be responsible for his feelings or how hard he's going to take it. It is in fact a CHOICE you are making. Maybe you yourself aren't ready to get out of the relationship yet if you are choosing to let him guilt or manipulate you into staying.
I feel for you, I'm the same way-hate confrontation and hurting people. But obviously if you've tried twice already, at least he knows it's coming. It would appear that talking it out with him and getting him to understand your reasoning is just not going to work out here. I think you need to just basically state it clearly one last time--that things just aren't working out, you hope he wont' take it personally, but you've made your mind up and the relationship is over-- and then just go. Don't stay around for the crying and begging--you're sort of doing him a favor by not listening anyway. One day he'll realize he was pretty foolish to act like that. You probably want to not take his calls for awhile either, because it will probably just be more of the same. Maybe later on he will be able to handle it like an adult and talk to you rationally, but it seems that now is not the time and you probably need to just make a clean break, for your sake and his.
Tell him gently and keep strong. Its for the best if you dont feel the same anymore. He will some day get over it and meet someone else. He will cry and beg for you to stay but stand your ground this time and say its over and your moving on with your life and he should do the same.
You say you don't want to hurt him, but staying with him out of pity or because he cries is hurting him. You're pretending to love him...how would you feel if a man you were head over heels in love with was pretending to love you back? THAT would hurt.
I think you should very simply state that the relationship is not working for you and that you are ending it. If he cries and begs, repeat yourself. Don't fall into the trap of trying to comfort him and don't try to reassure him. Just repeat that it's not working and you are ending it. It may sound mean but allowing him to manipulate you into not breaking up with him is mean too, because you don't want to be with him.
He will eventually come to accept it. In the meantime, don't agree to talk to him or see him "as friends" (and do NOT tell him you want to stay friends!!!!!!), and don't accept his calls. Don't allow him to come over and if he texts or emails you, don't respond. He'll take a response (even an angry one) as a sign that there's hope he can get you back, so don't respond. He will have to accept it sooner or later. He may surprise you and accept it sooner than you think.
And I don't get why people think being single is scary! What's so scary about it?
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post: cryingforever (07-26-2011)