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Old 07-26-2011, 10:35 AM   #1
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emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

I am been having an emotional affair for the past four years. I am obsessed with him and have given if thousands of pounds (£25,000) to help with his business and given him gifts. I have used my savings and now owe credit cards of the past four years. I say it is an emotional affair because it is purely platonic and a friendship. I am married with no children and I am 47 years old, he is 48 years olds with a partner and a daughter of age 7. He has lived with his partner for about 12 years and she has a son and daughter, 19 and 15 respectively. He has been married before for about 7 years but got divorced as he wanted a family. He then moved in relatively quickly with his current partner. It has been a rocky road , he his partner at one point but then went back four months later as he missed is daughter too much. He says he stays because of his daughter and that he hates his partner guts but that has changed lately and I no longer believe that is the case, but I don;t know what happens on a day-to-day basis. Well what have I done to get myself in this mess, given him loads of money , he has given me back some but is it pennies in comparison, he has bought vans, cars, been on holiday (I paid 1,000 for him and his daugther to go to disneyland paris) he said he would pay me back but I haven;t received anything and that was in February this year.I;ve paid to have his company van signed and his car, bought loads of stuff on e-bay, bought him an old classic car, currently renting two garages at £100 a month for him to store two of his cars, and it goes on. When do we see each other and what do we do, we meet for coffee/hot choc at either Starbucks, or our local park pub , usually spend half hour , not more, apart from when we are either going to a football match, which is a few times a year, or picking up a classic car, or like last friday taking him to pick up his van after being serviced. Anyway, last night he said he would meet with me for a coffee, and then rang to say he only had FIVE minutes in the car park, as his partner had rung him to say dinner was being served up. Then he said he would ring me today, which he hasn;t , I've sent him a couple of texts to say if I dont hear back then I will assume he cant be bothered anymore with me, and another one to say disappointed not heard from you, let me know what you want to do with the garages and basically you owe me 100 for e-bay stuff. Still no reply, so he is blanking me, he could have texted or phoned at some point. I left a voicemail and that's it. I am not going to try anymore. I am a total loser for doing all this, I cant get my head around why he acts as he does, it would only have taken a phone all or text. This just winds me up, and I think he is snubbing me because he thinks my texts are the same old thing. But when I start to write about everything I've given him (willingling I mgiht add) but he hasnt really refused either, I feel stupid,and that I deserve more, maybe I have been trying to buy his love. I have red the book When women love too much but that doesn;t help me get over the hurt I am feelign at the moment. My head says one thing and my heart says another. There is no way he will ever in a milion years be able to me back what he owes, so in essence the money has been a gift, an expensive gift. I would be interested to hear from a male perspective how a man thinks about these things, is it shes a mug she gives me all this money and all she wants is to meet me for a coffee . Margaretrose

 
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Old 07-26-2011, 10:50 AM   #2
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

What did you want out of this guy? I don't mean to upset you anymore than you already are, but it seems like you were actually trying to buy his love... and while he is married?!?!?! Two no-nos to make a big HELL no!

Perspective doesn't matter. He's garbage for stringing you along and encouraging the situation to go on.
What you're going to do now matters. YOU need to pull yourself together and possibly even seek professional assistance.

Leave him alone. Disregard the money. If he pays you back, great. But you've got an even bigger problem than the money you've given this clown. It really sounds like a dark obsession. This was a terrible mistake, but you need to believe you can rectify it with strong effort.

 
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Old 07-26-2011, 11:14 AM   #3
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

Hard as is it you need to stop NOW. Stop giving , stop chasing him he is using you and is not worth it. You deserve far more better than this. What about your current husband? Does he make you feel loved and happy? Why you not focusing on your marriage? Your husband doesnt deserve this aswell, you giving your heart and alot of money to someone else , who is aswell married.

My advice, send no more texts , no contact, stop all the payments that you pay monthly for his garages and move on and focus on your marriage and if you are not happy in your marriage you could see a marriage counsellor or leave and find someone you can be happy with.

He is using you , it is so obvious. Sorry i know this hurts more and i have no intentions to hurt you , but i am just being completely honest with you.

Last edited by cryingforever; 07-26-2011 at 11:17 AM.

 
Old 07-26-2011, 11:28 AM   #4
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

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Originally Posted by mottled dove View Post
What did you want out of this guy? I don't mean to upset you anymore than you already are, but it seems like you were actually trying to buy his love... and while he is married?!?!?! Two no-nos to make a big HELL no!

Perspective doesn't matter. He's garbage for stringing you along and encouraging the situation to go on.
What you're going to do now matters. YOU need to pull yourself together and possibly even seek professional assistance.

Leave him alone. Disregard the money. If he pays you back, great. But you've got an even bigger problem than the money you've given this clown. It really sounds like a dark obsession. This was a terrible mistake, but you need to believe you can rectify it with strong effort.

Hi , thank you for your reply,his not married, he has a civil partner I guess (he says he won't ever get married again) but I suppose the fact that he has a daughter with his partner must mean he has some kind of feelings still for her even if it is because of that. I have tried to tell him many times, forget the money, you'll never be able to pay me back, and he then says something like yeh I will be able to once I get some work and then we go back to square one. I have given him the opportunity to call its quits, even my texts tonight are askign him that. You right, it is quite dark and scary for me anyone. I too hav done some stupid things, I do drive past his house (not today) to see if he is in and I have been caught out a few times by him suspecting that. I hope I can rectify it but not sure if I can, it will destroy me I feel and he will be sitting there pretty . I am sure that I am not a priority appearing on his page. Margaretrose

 
Old 07-26-2011, 11:31 AM   #5
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

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Hard as is it you need to stop NOW. Stop giving , stop chasing him he is using you and is not worth it. You deserve far more better than this. What about your current husband? Does he make you feel loved and happy? Why you not focusing on your marriage? Your husband doesnt deserve this aswell, you giving your heart and alot of money to someone else , who is aswell married.

My advice, send no more texts , no contact, stop all the payments that you pay monthly for his garages and move on and focus on your marriage and if you are not happy in your marriage you could see a marriage counsellor or leave and find someone you can be happy with.

He is using you , it is so obvious. Sorry i know this hurts more and i have no intentions to hurt you , but i am just being completely honest with you.
Hi there, I've been married for over 22 years, no children, and we are more like brother and sister, more companions. My husband knows about this man, I am quite open about it, he doesnt know the extent of the debt or other things I have done, mainly he knows I meet him for coffee, dabble a bit in cars that type of things. We rub along quite nicely really. But this other guy gives me some kind of excitement, worry, stress, everything, but I seem not to be able to disengage from him, it is very deep and dark obsession I have. Margaretrose

 
Old 07-26-2011, 11:40 AM   #6
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

Seems like you and your husband have just naturally drifted apart over the years. It looks to me like your missing something from your life, like love, fun and that spark. My advice now is to maybe leave your husband but always remain friends if thats possible so you have a chance to meet someone new and get some love and fun back into your life. Unless you and your husband can try bring back that spark by having some romance and special holidays togethet etc....do you think you and your husband can work on building a relationship again? Or is it too late for that in your eyes?

As for the man , have you made any decisions about if your going to walk away for good or not. Stop giving him all the power by OFFERING him for you two to call it quits, YOU call it quits. dont let yourself be used anymore. Of course he wont call it quits because hes getting spoilt rotten by you. You get absolutely nothing from this man, he gets his family life and you to pay for everything. Hope you stop driving past his house aswell.

 
Old 07-27-2011, 07:31 AM   #7
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

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Seems like you and your husband have just naturally drifted apart over the years. It looks to me like your missing something from your life, like love, fun and that spark. My advice now is to maybe leave your husband but always remain friends if thats possible so you have a chance to meet someone new and get some love and fun back into your life. Unless you and your husband can try bring back that spark by having some romance and special holidays togethet etc....do you think you and your husband can work on building a relationship again? Or is it too late for that in your eyes?

As for the man , have you made any decisions about if your going to walk away for good or not. Stop giving him all the power by OFFERING him for you two to call it quits, YOU call it quits. dont let yourself be used anymore. Of course he wont call it quits because hes getting spoilt rotten by you. You get absolutely nothing from this man, he gets his family life and you to pay for everything. Hope you stop driving past his house aswell.
Hi there, I wouldn;t leave my husband, we are ok, we lead separately life's really and are just company for each other. he has his own circle of friends. We also share a house with my mum and dad who are in there mid seventies so until realistically they are no longer with me then I would never rock the boat. Who knows what will happen in the next 10 years. Today I feel sick to my stomach, my friend and I had a big bust up when he did ring me last night, he said he'd left his phone at home and couldn;t ring me or text me to let me know he wasnt going to be able to meet up as he had his daughter with him. He went beserk with me actually, said he was always having to explain to me what he was doing every mintue of every day. He swore quite a lot and then hung up on me, said he would ring me today, but hasn;t. I said in a text that he was treating me like **** after that, I never swear myself, and that he needed to consider how much and when he could give me some money and what he wanted to do about the garage rent (I;m paying to store his two classic cars) and what he wanted to do about his e-bay stuff). Prior to that I did try to call him once he had hung up on me and said that he needed to think what he wanted to do about our friendship, i.e. call it quits, etc. It has been along day of me worrying, threating, thinking, not able to concentrate at work, I am a bit of a mess today. But there is nothing I can do, I cannot physically make him meet up with me or call me. I did say on a voicemail that after everything I had done for him I would apreciate him meeting up with me to discuss, but still nothing. I am so distressed. Margaretrose

 
Old 07-27-2011, 07:49 AM   #8
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

Seriously, instead of calling or texting him again, you really should consider calling a therapist. You are on a one-way track love affair. He does not love you, he loves your money, favors, etc. and it sounds to me like he is tired of the pressure -- meaning the financial gains are not worth the emotional time and energy he has to put into you. Very sad.

 
Old 07-27-2011, 08:04 AM   #9
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

Hi there, thanks for that, I know I shouldn;t keep calling him, I know it winds him up, but its really difficult not to. I just end up getting myself in a worse state over it. You are right in your comments about him liking the money and the other things I do for him, and he has said in the past what you said that the money etc comes with too high a price in terms of being able to meet up for coffee etc. He looks at things completely different to me, I get home from work, and eager to jump in the car to go meet him, and sit for half an hour with a coffee, he has said in the past that he should be using that time getting home sitting with his daughter. But on that point, his partner takes her daughters to irish dance lessons quite a number times of the week and he is usually left on his own. I have to look over the four year period and we have managed to meet up regularly for coffee , and I am surprised actually that his partner hasn;t got suspicious and his stopped seeing me. I am open and honest with my mum and husband and just say, I'm off out now and that don;t bother me about it and have accepted it. I do look at things completely different, I am a free spirit with no real responsibilities can come and go as I please. Have I been misreading him all this time , a leopard never changes its spots. I actually can;t even think of a time that I have been absolutely relaxed with him, his always got time issues. If we have been to a football match we have to get out five minutes before the games over and literarlly run to the car to avoid the rush, now it is was mean I would just accept that there would be a traffic queue. But I have read on web sites that if he lies to his partner which he is doing then he is probably lieing to me at some point too. I have seen a therapist before and after the six or so sessions, I was still no better and just went back to my old ways. I have a short snap of being realistic but most of time am liviing in a unreal fantasy world.

 
Old 07-27-2011, 08:09 AM   #10
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

Well, it sounds like intellectually you know what's up--that you are his sugar mama and nothing more. Emotionally, you are quite tangled -- believing that you are special to him.

I firmly believe that when you get to a point that you love and respect yourself, you will have no problem walking away from this dysfunctional "relationship."

You're still quite young with so much life ahead of you -- I hope you don't waste too much more of it buying the time and affection of an unavailable partner.

Take care.

Last edited by Curious One; 07-27-2011 at 11:19 AM. Reason: I cannot believe I spelled sugAr wrong before!

 
Old 07-27-2011, 08:21 AM   #11
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

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Well, it sounds like intellectually you know what's up--that you are his suger mama and nothing more. Emotionally, you are quite tangled -- believing that you are special to him.

I firmly believe that when you get to a point that you love and respect yourself, you will have no problem walking away from this dysfunctional "relationship."

You're still quite young with so much life ahead of you -- I hope you don't waste too much more of it buying the time and affection of an unavailable partner.

Take care.
Your right intellectually I think I know the score, but its the emotional part that I cannot see reasonably or realistically.

You aren;t going to stop helping me are you ?

 
Old 07-27-2011, 08:31 AM   #12
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

I'm going to be blunt. No one can help you but yourself, therapy is there as a tool but only you can do it. This mess is not going to stop until he finally gets fed up of the pressure , or you finally start respecting yourself and walk away.

Why dont you just walk away and never call/text him again?

 
Old 07-27-2011, 09:19 AM   #13
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

Seems to me that if you really were all that satisfied with your relationship with your husband you wouldn't be in this mess with this other guy. You're taking money away from your husband, your household, your retirement savings, to some guy who's living with someone else, who has a life with someone else. I think you love the rush and the excitement of thinking maybe this guy could have feelings for you. I think the relationship with your husband is what you need to work on. You say you will never leave him, but playing around with this other jerk, pretending to have an emotional connection with some guy when all he's doing is taking your money, that's very destructive to your life and to the lives of everyone around you. This is what happens when you're married to someone your're not in love with and you go out looking for excitement and an emotional rush or connection elsewhere. You end up doing foolish, self-destructive things trying to "feel alive." What you really ought to be doing is building a life where you "feel alive" every day through positive, real, uplifting things. What those things are, that's up to you to figure out. I agree, I think therapy would help you greatly. If you have thousands to give to this loser, you certain can spare a few hundred for a few therapy sessions.

 
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Old 07-27-2011, 11:22 AM   #14
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

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You aren;t going to stop helping me are you ?
Only you can help yourself to make the choice to love yourself and get out of this unhealthy situation.

 
Old 07-27-2011, 02:49 PM   #15
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Re: emotional affair , given him all my money and now he's ignoring me

Get out of this mess. Stop texting, calling, etc....
Walk away and don't turn back. He owes you so much money. He sounds like someone of no integrity and who is very selfish. Seriously, you really like someone like that? He likes himself a lot more than he likes you.
Actions speak louder than words.
If he liked you nearly as much as you seem to like and care for him, he would not accept money from you and he would for sure be making it his priority to pay you back what he's taken so far.

Goodness sake, girl! You deserve better than that! Walk away from him! He's with another woman and he's stringing you along like crazy!!
I'd be so angry, I wouldn't want to talk to him anymore!
Using you like that.....ugh.
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