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Old 07-28-2011, 03:45 PM   #1
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What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Hello,

My boyfriend and I moved into our own apartment 2 months ago. We both love having our own place. We are both 25. He works for a plumbing company full time, & I work full time as a receptionist until I go back to school in Sept. I'll be working 25 hours a week when I go back. We pay $1,000 a month for rent, including everything. We both split the rent $500/month, and we both contribute to groceries, etc. However, the last month my boyfriend has told me he thinks he's been acting like a jerk lately, & been depressed & sad because he never has any money on him. He does spend about 50$/week on weed. I don't have a problem with him smoking, it doesn't bother me, but 50 dollars a week can add up.

He works very hard, about 50-55 hours a week. It makes me feel bad that a lot of the time he feels like he has no money on him. He told me today, "I think I just get a sad feeling because to me, my money is our money, but I feel that your money is just for you." I said, "Well we aren't married, but we do live together, and if you need $ for something just let me know." I don't know what to say to him. Maybe he needs to put a little away each week for rent, instead of waiting until his last 2 paychecks to put his part of the $ together. If I give him some of my money, I'm going to want it back. I think this is what he means. If I don't have any cash on me and I ask him for 20 bucks, he won't ask for it back. But if he needs 20 bucks for something & I give it to him, I always want it back. What do you think I should say to him/advice I can give him for feeling the way he feels? Sad, & depressed.

 
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Old 07-28-2011, 04:06 PM   #2
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Do you mind if I ask how much you each make? When my (current) husband and I lived together (before we were married) he made double what I made. We split rent but he was generous and paid the utilities.

From what I know, plumbers make pretty good money. I am not sure why he never has money?

Did the two of you live with your parents before you moved in together? When you are paying for rent on your own, you have to make sacrifices and change your way of living. If you go out to eat a lot, perhaps you should save it for the weekends only. If you buy lunch, maybe you should pack.

Just some thoughts right up front.
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Old 07-28-2011, 04:11 PM   #3
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

I don't have any grand answer for you but he does have one thing right. If he gives you money and you're not expected to pay it back but you give him the same amount but expect it back, that's not really fair. That's what he's talking about. You're both in the same boat, so why the double standard? I think I can see where he's coming from. If issues like the above are indicative of your view of what's fair in the relationship, you may have a bigger problem that you originally thought. I'm not sure you see yourself totally committed to this relationship. I think this money thing might just be small piece of a much larger issue. You two need to really sit down and lay all your cards on the table, so to speak and decide where the two of you are really going. No use in doing anything but getting to the bottom of things, for both of you!

 
Old 07-28-2011, 04:41 PM   #4
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Well he is not a licensed plumber. He works under someone elses license. He works for a plumbling company, has a work van that was given to him by the company, and has his own tools. He makes around 450$ a week, that's with taxes taken out. 14$/hour. I make 10$/hour & 300$ a week after taxes taken out. I finish school in May, so my next job I'm obviously going to be making more money. Yes, we lived at my parents house & my Dad only made him pay 40$ a week. You are right about packing lunch. A lot of the times he buys lunch, so I'm going to start packing him lunch.

 
Old 07-28-2011, 04:43 PM   #5
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Also, he does emergency service calls every 5 weeks, where his paychecks are about 650$ after taxes, but that is only once every 5/6 paychecks.

 
Old 07-28-2011, 04:50 PM   #6
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

So basically you mean just sit down and speak about what our money goes to and discuss how we should put our money away? Usually I'm always the one to tell him, "You need to put away 250$ for rent. Should I not say that anymore & just let him do it on his own? I am definitely commited in the relationship. This is why we got our own place.. Eventually in the future we want to get married and have a family. You are right about being fair. I won't have him pay me back unless it's A LOT of money. But if it's just like 20bucks, I'm not going to make him give me it back.

 
Old 07-28-2011, 05:19 PM   #7
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Obviously, if he's spending $50 a week on weed, well that's $200 per month. That's a LOT of money to me. Add in if he spends say $5 per day on lunch...another $100 per month. Is weed so important to him that he'd rather be broke than do without?

Obviously, his job doesn't require drug testing!

Plus, realize that weed is a depressant. I know people who smoke weed and they all insist it helps them "think better", but some of the things they do while stoned prove otherwise...my friend's husband repaired my car while stoned and actually put the parts on wrong and I had to go to a garage to have it fixed. So much for "thinking better"... Smoking weed is going to make your BF feel the depression (or "down-ness") more than if he were sober.

I too agree that if he gives you money and doesn't ask for repayment, that you should do him the same courtesy.

Sounds like in general, you are a planner and he isn't, as far as money goes. This doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. I suggest that you 1) stop asking for the money back when you give him some extra and 2) see if it's OK with him for you to hold some of his money each paycheck so the rent is covered and 3) start buying sandwich stuff, chips or carrot sticks, juice drinks, fruit, cookies and an insulated lunch bag so he can bring his lunch, saving him at least $100 per month. And perhaps he'd be willing to cut down on the depressant weed.

 
Old 07-28-2011, 05:30 PM   #8
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
Obviously, if he's spending $50 a week on weed, well that's $200 per month. That's a LOT of money to me. Add in if he spends say $5 per day on lunch...another $100 per month. Is weed so important to him that he'd rather be broke than do without?

Obviously, his job doesn't require drug testing!

Plus, realize that weed is a depressant. I know people who smoke weed and they all insist it helps them "think better", but some of the things they do while stoned prove otherwise...my friend's husband repaired my car while stoned and actually put the parts on wrong and I had to go to a garage to have it fixed. So much for "thinking better"... Smoking weed is going to make your BF feel the depression (or "down-ness") more than if he were sober.

I too agree that if he gives you money and doesn't ask for repayment, that you should do him the same courtesy.

Sounds like in general, you are a planner and he isn't, as far as money goes. This doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. I suggest that you 1) stop asking for the money back when you give him some extra and 2) see if it's OK with him for you to hold some of his money each paycheck so the rent is covered and 3) start buying sandwich stuff, chips or carrot sticks, juice drinks, fruit, cookies and an insulated lunch bag so he can bring his lunch, saving him at least $100 per month. And perhaps he'd be willing to cut down on the depressant weed.

Well, he says to me that by him spending money on weed, thats just like me going and buying myself an outfit/pair of shoes/etc. every week. That's what he gets to use some of his money for. That's the way he puts it. If he doesn't have money for it, he will ask the guy to lay it out until a few days later. He really enjoys smoking weed. He's not stoned all day, and the type that likes to get high to get really really stoned. He likes to do it after work at night. It just relaxes him. Just like how people like a cup of coffee, he likes to take some hits of weed. He got paid today, & he only has 45$ free money from his check. He went to go spend 60$ on weed, and I said to him, "ugh, i wish you didn't have to spend it on that, you would have more money." He just walked away and didn't say anything. Maybe I should tell him to slow down a bit on it because he would have more money & not be upset when he opens his wallet and hardly has any! Right?

I just recently bought him an insulated lunch box so I will be starting to pack his lunch.

He lets me take his rent money and I keep it in my wallet until its owed. Sometimes if he needs money for whatever, he says "Let's just take it out of the rent money, we will put it back." That bothers me, because I don't want to be touching that money. And he knows it there, so he's always going to ask ya know what I mean?

 
Old 07-28-2011, 05:43 PM   #9
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Maybe if he cuts down on weed and spending that amount per week maybe he would have more money to spend on other things that he likes. Is he wanting to buy $50 weed per week then borrow money off you to buy his other things that he wannts? Thats a little unfair. Maybe i am reading it wrong or got wrong end of stick , apologies if i have i am tired and got a serious headache at moment lol.

Anyway yeah i think you two need to sit down and talk about money and make a compromise.

 
Old 07-28-2011, 06:40 PM   #10
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Well, if he's not willing to stop smoking weed, then he's always going to be broke! End of story!

I bet you don't go out and buy yourself an outfit if it means you will be broke the rest of the month!

It seems you are fine with the weed smoking, so that's that. I think since the only thing he's willing to change is to start bringing his lunch, then you will have to accept that he will always be asking you for $20 here and there. This is just the way it's going to be. And if he complains about being broke, well, he should be able to figure out that spending $60 on weed when he only has $45, he's not going to have any extra money! It's basic math and if that's the way he chooses to live, then you really have no choice but to accept it.

 
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Old 07-28-2011, 10:32 PM   #11
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Well, his logic is faulty. Weed is not the same as shoes and clothes. You need clothes and shoes for work, especially if you have a job where you have to follow a certain standard of attire, i.e. business, business casual, etc. Weed is not necessary for work. And buying shoes and clothes is not illegal. Unless he has a prescription for medical marijuana, buying weed is illegal. BUT...it's part of who he is. What can you say to him to make him feel better about being broke all the time? I don't know if there's anything you can say. It's not really your job to make him feel better, it's up to him to make choices and plan his life in a way that he feels good about and can be proud of. But one thing in particular that he feels bad about, his money is "our" money and your money is just yours. It sounds like he wants you to give up more of your money to him and to the household, even though you already split the costs 50/50 and he makes twice as much as you do. I think you have to sit down and have a talk about finances and who will pay for what and where the money will go. Rent money is rent money, and you're right, should not be touched. It sounds like he's kind of irresponsible and bad with money, and you are more mature, responsible and good with money, but he wants to have his way with the finances. I don't know, if he won't compromise and just wants to dip into the rent money and wants to waste $50-$60 bucks a week on weed, you just have to decide if you're ok with that.

 
Old 07-28-2011, 11:09 PM   #12
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

Hi, I am a plumber myself and, have been working for a company for 17 yrs. The money gets better($28 Hr.) and, I have packed a lunch for at least 15 of those years. The money one can save, will easily cover his need to self medicate. Don't worry, with time he will also smoke less and spend less for his weed. I know from personal experience.
Best wishes to the two of you!
Itralian1

 
Old 07-29-2011, 10:45 AM   #13
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

maybe you both can contribute a set amount each week, maybe 20 bucks, that goes into a jar or something, so when you need money it comes out of there? That way no one is asking the other one for money.....
also he has the right to do whatever he chooses with his money (buy weed) as long as he is fulfilling his obligations with the rent and groceries, etc.....

 
Old 07-29-2011, 02:00 PM   #14
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Re: What can I say to my boyfriend to make him feel better????

I can tell you what I'd say to him. I would tell him that people who have financial trouble usually stick to only paying for the essentials like food, rent and gas. I would tell him to grow up and quit crying about having no money when he could just as easily have an extra $50 every week if he didn't flush it down the toilet with his drug dealer. That's what I'd tell him if I were you.

 
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