Hi all! Newbie here. Just wondering what's your take on this? My husband of 15 years recently reconnected with his 'first love' thru Facebook. This lady is now separated from her husband. Later, they saw each other in person during a reunion. Many times, I would see (from the corner of my eye) husband chatting with her in FB. When I'd pass behind him, he'd press ALT-TAB to go to another screen. I'd pretend I didn't notice.
One day, out of the blue (honestly!), I checked on his cellphone. I saw an SMS from the girl. From the look of their SMS conversation (phone keeps history), it looks like they're not having an affair, but definitely there is flirting going on. The girl calls him her 'best friend' and husband has some green jokes in there. There were also some missed calls to the girl's number, and one call in which they talked for like 12min.
Although I was hurt, I didn't confront him straight up. In one of our conversations a couple of days later, I let him know that his chatting with his 'exes' (there are a couple of them) is making me feel jealous. There was a serious expression on his face (which I interpreted as guilty), and then he promised he won't chat with them anymore.
After that, I didn't check on his cellphone anymore. I myself felt guilty doing something like that.
Last night, I mustered enough strength to check his cellphone again. There was a missed call to the girl. Apparently, he called her number but aborted the call before the girl picked up.
What's up with him??? I feel like after being married to me for 15 years, he's trying to find some excitement elsewhere. I don't want to confront him though. I'm not the confrontational type. Also, I'm hoping it will just go away and not be an issue between us.
I think there is a way to have a conversation about this without becoming confrontational. He should be made aware of his actions hurting you, if it is not obvious to him in the first place. You may want to turn the situation around and ask him how he would feel if it were you and a man from your past popping up?
I think it shows your strength when you do not feel you have to attack him about this, but making him aware of the pain you are feeling will hopefully be enough to put and end to this, once and for all.
The Following User Says Thank You to writeleft For This Useful Post: Linda67 (07-29-2011)
I understand you not wanting to confront him on it, I'm not really great at confrontation, either. But here's the thing. If he doesn't think there's a problem with it, he won't stop, because he'll have no reason to stop. And he won't know there's a problem unless YOU tell him. It sounds like you're already done that, though, Now, it could be that he called her to tell her he won't be contacting her as much anymore. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'd also say this is what I found, please tell me the truth, what's it all about, and is anything going on between the two of you, and why did you call her again AFTER I explained to you how hurt it made me feel?
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post: Linda67 (07-30-2011)
Things NEVER "just go away". You have to do something to make them go away.
You've told him it bothers you. He continues. Therefore, a serious talk is called for. Ask him if he's continued contact with the woman and you'd like the truth. Ask calmly, no yelling, NO crying! Ask him why he would continue when you've already told him you feel it's inappropriate and hurtful. If he refuses to stop contact, or if he gets angry and defensive, then you know you've struck a nerve and he is not going to stop. However, if he apologizes and says he's going to stop, ask him to "unfriend" her and to delete her number. If he refuses, there again, you have your answer. Explain to him that this is unacceptable and he needs to decide what is more important...flirtation with an ex or your marriage.
If he "needs excitement", suggest you two start a new activity together, or do some traveling. Another woman is NOT the kind of "excitement" he should be "needing".
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post: Linda67 (07-30-2011)
Thanks for the reply, guys! Yeah, we should really have a serious talk about it. After posting this, I checked on his phone again (I feel guilty doing this but hey!) and sure enough, he made a new call to the girl. They talked for 25min. I'm so angry right now. I think I'll wait a couple of days to cool down before having that talk with him. Stayed tuned, LOL. But seriously, thanks guys! I appreciate your taking the time out to even reply to this.
Yeah, this happened to my cousin and she was "afraid of confrontation", plus she was afraid that if she asked him it would cause him to go running into the other woman's arms, so she put off talking to him for 7 MONTHS!!! She was miserable, anxious and started having health issues related to stress. FINALLY, she talked to him. Calmly, she told him she knew about the contact with the other woman. After hashing it out, he agreed to unfriend the woman and stop contact and he did, because she told him that it was the illicit thrill of talking to the other woman, or their marriage. His choice. They are now together stronger than ever and the other woman is out of their lives.
Please don't let your "fear of confrontation" cause you to wait months and months to talk to him! I wouldn't wait more than a couple of days, because think about it...do you want to feel the way you do right now for months, even years? The sooner you get it all out, the sooner you can get it resolved.