Usually my boyfriend tells me anything but lately somethings happened with his kids and the ex and hes keeping me in the dark. I have asked his mum and she refuses to tell me and he won't tell me. Im not happy about this. We live together aswell.
What can i do?
My boyfriend is just sat on the sofa looking very very sad and i want to support him hes come and spoke to me before about stuff and he knows i will just hold him but this time hes not telling.
Last edited by cryingforever; 07-30-2011 at 10:47 AM.
I think you will support him also by respecting his not wanting to share anything now. Be patient. You noticed something different, you asked but didn't get the answer you were expecting. He knows you are not indifferent, and that is maybe enough for him now. Don't read into this his lack of trust in you. He may be, right or wrong, trying to spare you, or perhaps he is still figuring out how to say what is on his mind. I know you are not happy about this silence, but if you keep insisting to have it broken, it may backfire on you.
I have backed off to see what happens. I said to him that if he ever wants to talk im here. Hes just so sad at moment and its extremely hard not knowing what it is. I heard bits on a phone call he had with his mum. I heard ''Ill sort it''...and ''we know whos to blame''. I even tried to cheer him up but nothings working hes just really depressed at moment.
Last edited by cryingforever; 07-30-2011 at 12:44 PM.
Alot of men are scared to share issues with the gf because it makes them vunerable, and they believe they aren't supposed to be vunerable with a gf - they think they need to be in the 'strong man' role all the time.
With other friends or family, it is easier to let that persona down.
I don't think its personal. And not excusing, just explaining.
I've had that problem with my bf and he's working on understanding it better now.
The Following User Says Thank You to janetJ For This Useful Post: pendulum (07-31-2011)
So on my thread i was saying how my boyfriend and his mum kept a secret from me. I found it out. He is ''broken'' over his friend sleeping with his ex and apparently hes threatening this ''friend'' to tear his eyes out. I found out by the 'friends' brother having a private word and i heard everything. I knew all along he loved his ex still (they got 2 kids together , split up for 6 years)....i used to be paranoid and insecure as i just 'knew' he didnt love me and loved his ex. Its been confirmed. Him and his mum made out like i am crazy and wrong for being paranoid. Even his mum today said ''your insecuritys will ruin your relationship'' when all along i was RIGHT to be paranoid as hes been lying to me all along. So i busted his secret. Confronted him and hes been selfish and a coward and sat opposite me not talking to me, no explanation, no sorry for leading along nothing. He swore to me time and time again that he didnt love or have feelings for his ex and now hes going crazy about it. This 'friend' that he has hes not close with him, they don't see eachother often. Even still the point is hes lead me along all this time and lied to my face i even asked him this morning if its because of his ex and his friend i was guessing he said ''no its not that'' i asked if he wants and loves me only to be lied to.
I would ask how this rates in relation to all the other things he's done to you (including beating you up in a park, getting physical with you other times, the whole staying up watching porn thing, calling you names, etc.). I ask because you have always gone back and forgiven him, you even said everything he did to you was your fault.
Personally, I'm not surprised. Often when a man mistreats a woman it's because she isn't really who he wants to be with. My ex treated me badly because (I found out later) he was in love with someone else who he couldn't be with, and it made him angry that he loved her and yet was stuck with me. And I have ended a relationship when I found that I cared more for someone else, because it wasn't fair to the man I was with to always be wishing he was someone else.
So, you have made plans in the past to start fresh, develop an independent life for yourself including a job and school, but (sadly) you've always abandoned your plans to go back to him. You know if you had those plans up and running, you'd be much less vulnerable to going back to him. If you had your own job, your own future with schooling, you'd be much less fearful of being on your own.
If you really want to be a strong woman who is with a man she wants to be with (rather than one she keeps going back to because there is no real alternative), I encourage to pursue the job or schooling (or both) and a place of your own. When you have your own means, you have relationships because you want them and because they are right and healthy, not because you fear being alone.
I guess i have got stronger over time , and i been realising i am not truly happy anyways and he was pushing me away with him not making me feel worthy enough etc etc etc... I know i put up with crap before and he was bad to me but nows different because i could never sleep with him again, he has lied to me for 2 whole long years , i just been looking at the relationship more lately and realising i do deserve better. Finding out i am co-dependant has helped alot because now i know what my problem is and i realise that i give too much love and sacrifice my own feelings, needs, wants to please them, to put up with (him and the ex's) and i have been abandoning myself. Wierd thing is i was already thinking deeply about moving on anyway and then this happens so its made the decision for me. I can't look at him in the same way , he knew what hell i went through with my ex's he swore he was different and hes just been lying all this time. I could never hug him again, could never kiss or sleep with him again knowing what hes done and that he still loves his ex. I feel violently sick. I have no cried which is strange for me. I feel positive about the future. I have texted my dad to help me move out tomorrow or tuesday depends when he can get time off work.
Him and his mum and his friend have all treat me like i am nothing. Keeping it a secret, having private talks and i was thinking ''Hello i am here ya know i am his girlfriend i have a right to know what is going on'' but no one thought to tell me.
Oh and i forgot to tell you , when i found out his 'secret' he came out of the kitchen with his friend after a private talk and his friend went home and i said ''So thats the secret'' and he said ''You have fu**ed it now it shows what kind of person you are not trusting me and listening to that conversation''......WHAT? Oh my , i was like ''What kind of person i am , i am not a lying fake person and nice that you care about what this is like for ME''. <---me being sarcastic.
Last edited by cryingforever; 07-31-2011 at 07:33 PM.
I guess my concern is that you have said this many times before, but recently (as recently as in the past week) you have talked about how wonderful your relationship is now that you have realized him beating you up, calling you names, etc. was all your fault and you are now happy because you realized this and you "changed". I wonder how successful you will be in breaking away from him.
You have been angry with him before, swore that it is over and you are leaving "really mean it" and yet, you have always gone back. I truly believe that it is because you haven't become independent, haven't started school, moved into your own place, found a job, etc. I was not truly able to get on with my life apart from my ex until I moved out, got my own place (I already had a job and always have since I was 17, so that wasn't an issue) but I had to know I had a place of my own to break free from him. And now no man can mistreat me and expect me to take it because I have my own place, everything in it is mine that I earned with my own money. Being independent is huge when it comes to moving past toxic relationships.
I sincerely hope that I won't read that you have decided this is your fault, that you over-reacted, that you were wrong and have decided that you need to "change" and it will all be fine, because I don't buy it. This relationship is bad for you and it will always be up and down, back and forth, until you find the strength to really end it for good and not go back.
I think you both were wrong, the fault is not only him or it's not only yours.. both of you made mistake, both of you also taking each other for granted.. being paranoid is not good too thou, and yet cheating also not a good one.. but hey, you learn, so for the next time with other person, you have to stop being paranoid, just let it goes with the flow. Sometimes we tend to make people to do thing the way we want instead of let them be themselves, and we didn't realize that it's drag them to make the gap in the relationship, and when we realize that, it has all already been too late. It takes two to tango... two individual in one direction. As I see it, it's two individual in two direction, and sometimes the lack of communication has made it come up. Anyway, both of you and your bf are deserve to have better partner in life. (It doesn't mean that you are not good w him, it's just maybe he is not your match / not fit with you). Forgive him and his relatives, they have their own karma, but it's good for you to know now, so you learn how to not to make the same mistake again.
Best of luck for you cryingforever, Cheer up! (^_^)
i had good reason to be paranoid i found out lies when we first met and also things that didnt seem right. i was right all along yet he made me think im crazy, he made me think he wasnt a secretive lying person. he hasnt cheated hes just told me a lie and played me all along. if he had of been straight with me from the start then none of this would of happened...paranoia...leading to me finding out more lies and ending the relationship. i am not at fault here. i suppose maybe a tiny bit...for putting up with it. love makes it diffacult.
at the moment hes not talking to me at all , hes too focused on having secret phone calls to people and is focusing on beating his 'friend' up, its like i am not even here , i truly dont matter.
i will be leaving tomorrow my dad is helping me move out when the now ex is at work.
I truly hope you're serious about moving out and not going back....
take all your stuff when your dad gets you....everything.....so you have no excuse that you need to go back to retrieve something.....
when you leave that place, make it the last time, make it for good.
i swear im NEVER going back like i did before. i put up with alot but this lie and all the other stuff i explained is serious. when it involves another person i am gone. thats one thing i will not put up with but im a doormat for everything else. im learning lol. definately moving on. i wont be on HB often as i dont have the internet so ill try goto a internet cafe or library to come back every now and again to say hi. will miss coming here everyday, nice people. thanks for the support to everyone and i hope anyone else whos in a negative relationship finds some strength to walk away when its not working.
i feel ok, im coping well. not shed a single tear like i usually would. i want to be by myself now cant be bothered with relationships.
He thinks i won't move out ...he will be in for a surprise then. He will be in more of a shock when i dont ever come back. Doubt he would try get me back anyway hes focusing on his ex and his 'friend'. I clearly didnt mean much to him. Its like i am invisible. What a idiot, his loss.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-01-2011 at 11:10 AM.
Reason: Posts merged.