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Old 08-02-2011, 07:23 PM   #1
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Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

I know divorcing is a silly word, but that word describes how I am feeling.

My friend (we will call her Jane) and I had a disagreement yesterday. She brought up something and made a comment that was totally uncalled for. I quickly made it clear that her comment was unfair. Our kids were playing together. She grabbed her son and went home. We had a mutual friend (we will call her Ann) who witnessed this interactuon and she felt that our friend Jane should not have brought up the topic. She said that while I was defensive, she understands why I felt the need to put Jane in her place.

Ann and I talked about what I needed to do. Ann felt that the situation wasn't worth ruining a friendship over and I agreed with her. She suggested talking to Jane about the situation and not letting it build up.

So, I emailed Jane and said, "I dont feel our disagreement is worth ending a friendship over. We can move past this or talk about it. Let me know what you would like to do." (these were my exact words)


Well, Jane sent me a pretty mean email. It attacked my character, brought in another friend, and just made some general hurtful remarks and assumptions. She still never accepted her responsibility for opening the can of worms in the first place. She felt the need to jusitfy her words and to then express what kind of person she thought I was.

Well, after this email, I feel like damage has been done. She went way off topic and made the issue worse in my eyes. I have no intentions of responding to her email because the real issue at hand has been lost. My response to her at this point would entail me being more defensive. I am trying to remain calm and not stoop to her level of writing attacking emails. What good does that do?

So, I feel like writing off my friend....except she is my neighbor and we see each other all the time outside and in the neighborhood. I feel bad for our little boys who love each other. We have mutual friends. Most of all, I feel bad for Ann who had to witness this. I am much closer to Ann then Jane is, but Ann and Jane are still friends.

I just feel awful inside. I have terrible anxiety over this. My head hurts and my appetite is gone. I know I will move through this, but I am a ball of emotions right now. Anger, hurt, confusion, etc. Please help! I think we have all had spats with friends.
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Last edited by Belly Kelly; 08-02-2011 at 07:28 PM.

 
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Old 08-02-2011, 07:44 PM   #2
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Oh, this stinks. I hate when things like this have to happen. But it sounds like you handled the whole thing in a mature, fair manner. She attacked your character and made comments about "what kind of person" you are? Well, if she thinks so lowly of the kind of person you are, then really what's the point in being friends? I wish I had some words of wisdom regarding your children. That's going to be the hardest part. How are they going to play together of you and she aren't speaking? And how do you tell him he won't be seeing his best buddy anymore? I don't know. I'm sorry, I just don't know what to tell you there. Hopefully you two can reach a point where you can at least say a civil "hello" in the yard and let the tykes play in the yard, at the park, wherever. It may take some time, though. Take a breath and give it a couple of days. In time, it may be that the situation isn't as bad as you thought it was going to be. You're also smart not to ask Ann to take sides. Ann can do what she wants. I understand if you feel just a tiny bit betrayed that Ann doesn't stick up for you and cut Jane out in solidarity. But usually, that kind of thing only happens on tv. For now, I'd say take a beat, let things simmer down and see what the weekend brings.

 
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Old 08-03-2011, 05:16 AM   #3
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Well, if she thinks so lowly of the kind of person you are, then really what's the point in being friends?

Thanks LLM. This part really struck me as important and gave me more to think about. Your input is always very valuable and I appreciate it.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:44 AM   #4
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Hi, I had a friend that went to church with me and shopping for the last three years. I saw her in church and she was very shy but I approached her and we have the same name and are very similar, being only children, etc. Anyway, she asked me to write an E-mail to church about something and I put her name in the E-mail and then sent her the response to the E-mail. She tore me up and down and said what a horrible person I was and she said I was not to talk to her or come by her home or she would get a restraining order against me and that I should go to another church. I had also borrowed her suitcase for a trip and it had gotten broken on the inside since the airlines throws it around. She wanted that back too. So I wrote her and said that I was sorry I had used her name in the E-mail, I would return her luggage with a gift certificate so she could buy another one, and I wouldn't come over and that if it was her choice not to be friends, then I would respect that. I hurt a lot and yet I saw red flags in our relationship over the years but chose to disregard them. Now I know that she was a toxic friend and I don't need her in my life. The good thing is that I don't have children that play with her children. Try to find another friend for your child and move on. When people E-mail to others without face to face confrontation then they are cowardly and assassinate character through their writings. It is not fair nor is it a good friend. Try to deal with your loss. I told her I would continue to go to my church and not to threaten me. She has not come to church for two weeks. Cowardly and toxic.

 
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:27 AM   #5
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

I hate these things too...I feel she really overstepped her bounds when she did not choose one of the two options you were seeking, and instead sat herself down and wrote you the nasty email.

I have to think she is mortified at her behavior now too, but it is too late...unless she thinks up something really clever and finds a way to make this go away. Her big hurdle will erasing the assaults on your character, in writing.

I never suggest anyone putting fresh hot anger into a letter, email or any other written form, and then deliver it to the other party. She really is on the spot here, and you can take the high road out of this, because she has already picked the low one for herself. I really don't think you have to do anything, and best of all, that includes getting so anxious and upset about it...of course that is much easier said than done.

Whatever you do, make yourself happy today. Do not let this to cause you to become ill over it.

janet

Last edited by writeleft; 08-03-2011 at 07:43 AM. Reason: Change of mind

 
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:40 AM   #6
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Don't respond to her last email, for sure. She seems to like drama so you'd only be feeding into it.

As for the whole friendship, why does it have to be all or nothing? Just reduce contact. Let the kids play together but without the parent attached. She doesn't need to be in your house for coffee, nor you in hers. Don't send her emails. Don't invite her to things and politely decline any she offers you.

That's how I handled a friend who was slowly becoming ruder and ruder to me but still wanted to hang out and do stuff all the time. No words, no 'we need to break up' lol. Just slowly removed her from my life. I still see her in small doses from time to time, and she isn't nearly as rude any more and if she does revert, it's much easier to take.

 
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:52 AM   #7
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Thisby,

You might have noticed that I changed the end of my post. I Had it wrong. Thanks for sharing your straight shooting advice. None of us need anyone in our lives who would be so fast to trample our character and be so hurtful? In this world we all need to stick together as closely as we can to help one another.

Do something very nice for yourself today. You deserve it !

janet

 
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Old 08-03-2011, 03:32 PM   #8
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Thanks everyone for your help and advice. I am feeling a bit better today but still really down. I do believe that not emailing her is the best thing to do, however, I can't stop running my mind over all the things I would like to say to her. Of course, you also start thinking of past things that have happened that I would like to throw in her face, but I know that will get us no where.

It is obvious that she sent the email because she had a lot to say and didn't want to say it to my face. She needed to write out her thoughts, which I understand. I do find it cowardly and a dumb move, but I think she did it because she cries easily.

And the whole entire issue of what happened is soooooo petty. This all started because we had plans to see her father play in his 70's band one Saturday night. She invited about 10 people. NO ONE ended up going, including my husband and I, because we were having a massive heat wave and it was too bloody hot. It was 95 degrees at 7:30 p.m. that night and my husband and I wanted to enjoy ourselves and not be sick in the heat. So I called and told her that morning that we would skip this time but make the October concert. She seemed OK with it, but I noticed all the other friends she invited didn't go as well.

Well, her comment to me on Monday (over a week after the concert) was, "the concert was so much fun....it wasn't that bad outside, there is no reason people could not have gone...."
this last comment struck a nerve in me.

My response was (firmly)..."Jane, you can't make that kind of decision for everyone....you are taking it personally...." She responded with, "no I am not, no I am not...I didn't mean it that way...."

She simply didn't like that I put her in her place. As she said in the email to me, "I am not used to people talking to me in such a manner..."

I have always felt my friend is a real nag. When things don't go her way, she takes it very personally. If she really opened up her eyes and saw that people didn't go to the concert because it was HOT and NOT because we don't like her or her father, then she would not have been so sensitive to this issue. I understand it is disappointing when plans go down the tubes, but she really took it personally when it had nothing to do with her.

The truth is, I really really wanted to see the band. I even secured a babysitter for my son so my husband and I could enjoy ourselves. Instead, we ended up seeing a kid's movie in the cool theater that night. Not exactly the date night we were hoping for! I feel this whole issue is because of her major insecurities......and so, so petty!
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Last edited by Belly Kelly; 08-03-2011 at 03:34 PM.

 
Old 08-03-2011, 05:12 PM   #9
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belly Kelly View Post
My response was (firmly)..."Jane, you can't make that kind of decision for everyone....you are taking it personally...." She responded with, "no I am not, no I am not...I didn't mean it that way...."

She simply didn't like that I put her in her place. As she said in the email to me, "I am not used to people talking to me in such a manner..."
Hi Belly Kelly, by typing up your exchange for us to read, you're turning it into a "he said/she said". We can't do anything about how she behaves, just encourage you to not react to her. By 'putting her in her place', you clearly are. My advice: don't. You don't need to put her in her place. You don't need to correct her, or show her how wrong she is. Putting someone in her place, well, isn't really very nice. Well, maybe if you're her mom or boss or something.

Sure, if you want to have conflict with her, go ahead, but you've seen what the results are.

You both are just way too sensitive to each other's comments. Definitely time to reduce contact!

 
Old 08-03-2011, 07:39 PM   #10
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Just give it time and if she is a true friend she will come around once she cools down. Friends have their spats just like anyone else, but "TRUE" friends always come back. I feel she was in the wrong and am glad Ann stayed out of it. Just give her time and space with no contact for a while and see what happens.

Take care.

 
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Old 08-03-2011, 08:23 PM   #11
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

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Originally Posted by Thisby View Post
Hi Belly Kelly, by typing up your exchange for us to read, you're turning it into a "he said/she said". We can't do anything about how she behaves, just encourage you to not react to her. By 'putting her in her place', you clearly are. My advice: don't. You don't need to put her in her place. You don't need to correct her, or show her how wrong she is. Putting someone in her place, well, isn't really very nice. Well, maybe if you're her mom or boss or something.

Sure, if you want to have conflict with her, go ahead, but you've seen what the results are.

You both are just way too sensitive to each other's comments. Definitely time to reduce contact!
Thanks Thisby. No, that was the conversation that started the disagreement in the first place. By me pointing out that it wasnt fair of her to make her initial comment, she then stormed off and got mad. What I said was in no way mean or harsh...But I did tell her that her general comment was unfair.

I am not emailing her back after I extended the olive branch. My post above was just to point out how extremely petty all of this was to begin with. I can see if we had a major argument to begin with and yelled at each other infront of Ann or our children, but that wasnt the case. It was a disagreement and that was it. But you are right, we are both sensitive.
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:13 AM   #12
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

I have another suggestion. Don't reread her E-mail. Get rid of it. I found that all the things my "friend" said to me was very hurtful. She hasn't contacted me since and neither have I. She would make snide remarks to me when we were together but I ignored them. I'm glad I didn't respond to her E-mail and stoop to her level. I was wrong and I apologized but sometimes people want to continue their punishment and judgements for years to come. There are better friends out there and hopefully she will get over it.

 
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Old 08-04-2011, 02:49 PM   #13
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

My thoughts : I think you was right for telling her its not fair to judge everyone who didn't go. These days people NEED to be told so they can think about what they are saying or doing. People don't learn unless someone says something. Alot of people who are in the wrong would turn around and say ''Yeah true , your right i wasn't thinking''....not all do they is people who can't handle the fact they are wrong and try twist it around.

Your friend sounds immature and my advice is .....move on. You tried to make peace and she was nasty to you. Shes not a TRUE friend and who needs negative people like that in our lives. Negative people set bad examples for there children.

As for walking away from friends, yes i have done it aswell they are on drugs and all call me up talking about the fights they have had, how much drugs they have taken , who they hate this week, and been bitc*y etc.....just don't need it and its immature. I know its a little bit different from your situation but yes i have ''divorced'' friends.

Last edited by cryingforever; 08-04-2011 at 02:51 PM.

 
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Old 08-04-2011, 04:09 PM   #14
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Re: Do you ever feel like divorcing a friend?

Whatever the issues are, they seem to be under the skin. The verbal exchange itself is not apparent to me.

I would choose to dis-allow yourself from pacing around, playing this in your head.

It sounds like both of you were very disappointed about missing the experience.

 
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