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Old 08-04-2011, 10:22 AM   #1
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Dinner Date With Ex?

Hey,

It's been a while since I've visited this site, lifes been pretty good lately as I have fully cut ties with my ex and no longer have feelings for her nor do I have any intentions on ever seeing her again. Although i do expect to randomly bump into her at the store every now and then do to us living in the same area.

But my problem that has recently risen is this. I have been dating a girl for a little over two months, I have posted something about her no too long ago, she does not want a full-on relationship but wants all the benefits of a relationship, the affection, cuddling, sex, being there when she needs me, going out to dinner and what not. I'm the one who wants to be in a relationship.

But ealrier today she texted me and said that her ex had recently sent her an invite to go out to dinner with her and she wanted to know how I would feel about this?

Should I be angry that she's even contempleting the idea of going on this date? should I tell her that I am not okay with it? which by the way I am not, but i dont feel that i have any right to tell her yes or no, afterall we are not boyfriend and girlfriend so i just feel that I dont hold any ground. She says she has absolutely no feelings for him, but why wouldnt she say that? obviously she wouldnt tell me that she still does have feeling and obviously he still does if he's inviting her out on a date.

I'm just worried that this might spark something in her, what should I do/ say? I dont feel that I have any right to say something

 
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Old 08-04-2011, 10:24 AM   #2
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

i don't understand why she mentioned this to you....was she trying to make you jealous? you have no right to get mad, you're not her boyfriend, you're her boy-toy......on the flip-side, you're not confined to just her.....start looking around for someone who wants a real relationship, if that's what you want....

 
Old 08-04-2011, 10:38 AM   #3
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
i don't understand why she mentioned this to you....was she trying to make you jealous? you have no right to get mad, you're not her boyfriend, you're her boy-toy......on the flip-side, you're not confined to just her.....start looking around for someone who wants a real relationship, if that's what you want....
I don't know if she was trying to make me jealous, I pretty much told her to do what she wants because I dont have any right to say yes or no because I'm not her boyfriend.

I have been keeping my options open just in case someone else comes along. I mean I havent gone on any dates with other women but there also have not been any women that have come along.

it sucks because I have been split up with my ex for nearly 6 months and I have dated other gilrs that wanted relationships and I just didnt feel that way for them and I finally found a girl that I click with and she's the one that doesnt want the relationship, I guess karma is a *****

 
Old 08-04-2011, 11:10 AM   #4
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

Well you may not have the right to be angry or tell her what to do, I certainly think you have the right to feel bothered by it.
If she has the right to ask for all the perks of a relationship w/out the relationship, I think you have the right to have feelings. (Granted, you are the one agreeing to what she wants, but that doesn't have to negate your feelings.)
Really, I think instead of saying "do what you want", you could have said, "I know I'm not your bf, but I do have feelings and would be bothered by it." -- I don't know if you could use those exact words, being a guy, but something to the effect. I just really disagree that you don't have the right to your feelings when the two of you are dating and intimate.

 
Old 08-04-2011, 11:38 AM   #5
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by robj118 View Post
Hey,

It's been a while since I've visited this site, lifes been pretty good lately as I have fully cut ties with my ex and no longer have feelings for her nor do I have any intentions on ever seeing her again. Although i do expect to randomly bump into her at the store every now and then do to us living in the same area.

But my problem that has recently risen is this. I have been dating a girl for a little over two months, I have posted something about her no too long ago, she does not want a full-on relationship but wants all the benefits of a relationship, the affection, cuddling, sex, being there when she needs me, going out to dinner and what not. I'm the one who wants to be in a relationship.

But ealrier today she texted me and said that her ex had recently sent her an invite to go out to dinner with her and she wanted to know how I would feel about this?

Should I be angry that she's even contempleting the idea of going on this date? should I tell her that I am not okay with it? which by the way I am not, but i dont feel that i have any right to tell her yes or no, afterall we are not boyfriend and girlfriend so i just feel that I dont hold any ground. She says she has absolutely no feelings for him, but why wouldnt she say that? obviously she wouldnt tell me that she still does have feeling and obviously he still does if he's inviting her out on a date.

I'm just worried that this might spark something in her, what should I do/ say? I dont feel that I have any right to say something
But wait a minute... she wants the affection, cuddling, sex, being there when she needs you, going out to dinner and what not... and then goes on to say this is not a relationship? Then, what on earth is a relationship? Okay, I think I know what she means. She wants no commitment at all. She is being inconsiderate of your feelings, actually. What if you needed her just on the very night she is having the date with her ex? Would she go with him or would she stay with you? It feels like she is putting you in the second place. My friend, I think you need better than this. Let her have what she wants with someone else who is on the same page. Such a lifestyle is not wrong, as far as I can see, but it is hurting you for all I know.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-04-2011 at 11:38 AM.

 
Old 08-04-2011, 11:55 AM   #6
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

You have the right to feel whatever you feel. It's what you do ABOUT those feelings that matters. If you feel angry, you feel angry. Now, what to do about it? You have agreed to give this girl all the perks of a relationship with none of the commitment. Now that this set up has been tested, it's not working for you. You need to decide whether you can deal with her basically dating her ex and other men, or not. You're angry because you're not getting what you want. You may not get what you want from this woman. You need to decide how long you want to stick around with this kind of arrangement, and then tell her. No need to get angry with her or at her, be calm when talking it out with her. But decide what you want and then communicate it to her and then she needs to decide if she wants to give you what you want or not. It may be time to fish or cut bait. Time to honestly talk it out.

 
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:57 AM   #7
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
But wait a minute... she wants the affection, cuddling, sex, being there when she needs you, going out to dinner and what not... and then goes on to say this is not a relationship? Then, what on earth is a relationship? Okay, I think I know what she means. She wants no commitment at all. She is being inconsiderate of your feelings, actually. What if you needed her just on the very night she is having the date with her ex? Would she go with him or would she stay with you? It feels like she is putting you in the second place. My friend, I think you need better than this. Let her have what she wants with someone else who is on the same page. Such a lifestyle is not wrong, as far as I can see, but it is hurting you for all I know.
Things started to turn into a relationship and when she realized she was falling in love with me she cut things off completely, well as far as seeing each other, but we still talked and what not. She said that we were spending too much time together and she needed time to put things straight in her head. She says that she is afraid of being hurt and that she is afriad of hurting me and that she doesnt know what her problem is, but she just can't find it in herself to commit to anyone just yet.

But now she drops this bomb on me. She says there are no feeling for her ex and that she still wants to be friends with him, but from my experience that just NEVER works out. Not only is she contemplating the idea of dinner with him but she doesn't want to tell him that she is seeing someone because he has been suicidal in the past and does not want him to go back that way because she is seeing someone. I wanted to give her the ol' "how would you feel if I went out and had dinner with my ex?" routine, but I felt that to bit a bit child'ish and didn't think she would take it the would i would have liked, honestly I don't think she would care anyhow.

I know I am the one putting myself inthis situation at the moment, It's like I keep telling myself "just give it a little more time and she'll come around....just a little more time" well I have been telling myself this for about 5 weeks now and i will admit that each time it's getting harder and harder to convince myself of this.

I know I should move on, and YES I have been keeping my options open and I have been going out with friends and going to parties without her and having a good time so it's not like I have been investing ALL of my time into her. We see each other about twice a week and talk every day, it's just hard because I click with her better than I did with my ex and I was with my ex for nearly 5 years and was engaged.

You wonder why some people go on to live their lives alone, but then there are times when it's not so hard to see why they do.

Last edited by robj118; 08-04-2011 at 01:09 PM.

 
Old 08-04-2011, 06:24 PM   #8
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

She DOES have feelings for her ex. She is still making herself responsible for his happiness (i.e., not wanting to tell him about you because it will upset him). I'm guessing there was a LOT of drama in their relationship and she kind of craves the way he (unhealthily) needed her. I'm also guessing their breakup was dramatic too. I can't really say what kind of feelings she has for him, but she has them. For example, with my ex, I couldn't give a rat's behind if ANYTHING I do upsets him because it's not my problem. If my ex even tried to ask me on a date I'd tell him to shove off. And that's not just because I can't stand the guy, I have other exes that I don't dislike but I am not interested in spending time with an ex. As friends or otherwise. My exes stay in my past.

It sounds like she's backing off from a relationship with you and going on a date with him because she still cares. Perhaps even wants him back (although I'll bet money she'd deny that).

I do think you have every right to tell her that it upsets you she's going on a date with her ex, and even more that it upsets you that she is caring about his feelings for her. You don't have to get all caveman and "forbid" her to go, but you're a human with feelings and there's no reason why you can't be honest about them.

 
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Old 08-05-2011, 07:55 AM   #9
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by janetJ View Post
Really, I think instead of saying "do what you want", you could have said, "I know I'm not your bf, but I do have feelings and would be bothered by it." -- I don't know if you could use those exact words, being a guy, but something to the effect. I just really disagree that you don't have the right to your feelings when the two of you are dating and intimate.
I wholeheartedly agree. Feelings are feelings -- neither right nor wrong -- nor is the "right" to them doled out or earned. It's part of being human. And I think people can be honest with each other without being controlling or manipulative.

 
Old 08-05-2011, 10:17 AM   #10
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Re: Dinner Date With Ex?

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. I know what you mean about her having feelings for him, I have never delt with a situation like this before and I don't even know how to bring it up to her. If my ex wanted to go out to dinner with me I would have no interest in it because really, whats the point in being firends with your ex? I can understand being on good terms but i don't understand the need for any contact with an ex.

My ex and I are on good terms and she had even sent me a friend request on facebook which I then denied because there's no need for my ex to be involved in my life in any way, why would anyone want to hangout with their ex, they're an ex for a reason.

I just don't know how to express these thought/concenrs/feelings without her becoming upset in some manner, I know this seems to easy but yet it's so hard to bring up. I think I really need to talk with her about her telling him about us, and if she refuses to do so then I should just end it. She can't spend the rest of her life making sure she doesn't upset her ex just because he's a suicidal loser!!!

Last edited by robj118; 08-05-2011 at 10:22 AM.

 
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