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Old 08-22-2011, 02:46 PM   #1
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head and heart!

hi all,
Well i haven't been here in a while but as always when in doubt i come back here for some great advice.

Ok so after having got out of a 3 year on and off relationship with a bi-polar man i moved on and meet an amazing guy last dec. He is very good looking and at the start treated me very well. Things have progressed slowly.. i'll give a time line.
dec - meet and spent much of x mass together.

Jan - end of this month i asked about "us" and he said that he wasn't looking for a relationship. I felt rather led on to be honest because it felt like we where already in one. I stepped back and said that i was ok with this but that i didn't want him to be with other people. that i wasn't prepared to be sleeping with him and him to have the option of going elsewhere too. he agreed.

April - up to this point everything continued much as it began. He treated me well but as the months went by i got increasingly more impatient. The girl in me thought he'll change his mind. so late april i kind of exploded and laid it all out and i wasn't happy and that i wanted more. He's a very manly guy. Doesn't talk about his feelings or emotions. After a day of chat we decided to go our seperate ways. I respected it but i was devestated i'd fallen for him hard. Much to my surprise the next day he came back to me saying he missed me had made a big mistake, said that i was the best thing to happen to him in the last year and that he didn't wanna let me go. He said that if i wanted a label on it that it was fine with him that he didn't want it to end. So we talked and became a couple.

From then to now things have been up and down with some issues on my side that i've not told him about. As i said he's a very manly man and its made it very hard for me to talk to him because any time i have before he kinda just said well then lets just leave us.

In the last four months things have progressed slowly.
1) after 8 months of seeing each other and 4 months offical he's only meet my parents once for ten mins. He's stayed in my house once while my parents where away and meet my two brothers. I've meet him brother for about half an hour but haven't meet any of his other family.
2) i've invited him out alot. Its important to me that the person i'm with engages in my life and me in theres but he just isn't co operating. He says no to any time i ask him out and he doesn't invite me when he goes out.
3) txting is an issues. He goes very hot and cold. I rarely rarely txt him first. Its usually him but he'll txt me and then a) take ags to reply or b) reply and just stop mid convo. also if i say something that is out of the norm of conversation he won't reply or ignore what ive said.
4) i don't really feel like he really WANTS me as much as i want him. I feel kind of neglected and not high on his priority list and this is because i'm not getthing the emotional stability i want i guess.

then on the flip to this is in between the above he is amazing. He'll help me out whenever he can. He usually pays for everything( which isn't important to me) he is very very affectionate and basically when we're together he is an amazing bf. We are due to go on holiday very soon, his idea and majorty paid by him.

so now i'm stuck as to what to do. on one hand i feel emotionally neglected but i'm uncomfortable to say anything. I've never really been great with communication but i've always done it when i've had to. Because he's so closed off about talking i've actually said NOTHING about the above becuase i feel uncomfortable.

We also haven't said i love you yet. I feel for him back in feb but i've said nothing. 1) because my friends say not to, to wait for him, feelig i'll be waiting and while and 2) i'm afirad he'll run for the hills because i don't think he's quick there yet.

I don't know how he feels for me. He's never verbalised it. Only time is back in april with the email about getting me back. So i'm in a tugged off war with my head. I've have a great guy who majority of the time treats me like a princess but yet lacks the emotion i need. My head says this isn't right, that i need more and my heart is too afriad to say anything. I love him but i don't know how to address this. I want to say something after holidays. i need to know how he feels about me but i just can't see how that talk can take place with us to feeling uncomfortable about saying it all.. Not good really..

thanks all, feels good to get it all out.
Emma j
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:24 PM   #2
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Re: head and heart!

If you don't say something, how is he to know you're dissatisfied?

I understand, you are worried about scaring him off. If he feels the same way you do, he won't run. However, if he doesn't, don't you have the right to know that?

You can bury your head in the sand and hope that one day he'll "change" and start acting more like a boyfriend, or you can sit him down and tell him how you feel. I recommend talking.

 
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:36 AM   #3
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Re: head and heart!

First off, you should definitely have a serious discussion with him. Don't blow up like you did early on when you guys weren't officially bf & gf.

Second, correct me if I'm wrong, and as I guy I might be confused about this, but you said he doesn't express his emotions but he is affectionate. Isn't being affectionate, expressive of his emotions? Or are you asking him to talk about what he is feeling?
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Old 08-23-2011, 02:41 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
If you don't say something, how is he to know you're dissatisfied?

I understand, you are worried about scaring him off. If he feels the same way you do, he won't run. However, if he doesn't, don't you have the right to know that?

You can bury your head in the sand and hope that one day he'll "change" and start acting more like a boyfriend, or you can sit him down and tell him how you feel. I recommend talking.
Thanks for your response. Yes i do need to say something and your completely right when you say if he doesn't then yes i do have a right to know.

I also don't want him to chance as such. Just do what a couple is suppose to. Isn't it natural to want to be apart of each others lives. I will have to say something its just getting the confidence. now.
thanks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SingleHunter View Post
First off, you should definitely have a serious discussion with him. Don't blow up like you did early on when you guys weren't officially bf & gf.

Second, correct me if I'm wrong, and as I guy I might be confused about this, but you said he doesn't express his emotions but he is affectionate. Isn't being affectionate, expressive of his emotions? Or are you asking him to talk about what he is feeling?
Hi there, thanks for you response.

I defo won't blow up with him like i did before. that was after 5 months of seeing each other and him just ignoring me all of a sudden, just kinda lost it which is not like me.

Also to your second bit i'm going to try word this as best i can to get what i mean out. Yes being affectionate is expressive of emotion and in a lovely way cos its physical however after 8-9 months i've had no verbal communication from him. Don't you think being that long with someone you'd hear that they like you, like spending time with you, miss you that kind of thing.. Its the verbal site of his emotions that are missing. Would be nice to have at least a part of that.
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Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-23-2011 at 07:54 PM.

 
Old 08-23-2011, 06:59 PM   #5
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Re: head and heart!

If you've been together for 8 months you shouldn't be that worried about talking to him! If you are that worried, then yes, something is definitely wrong with the relationship. And the only way to find out is to ask him.

 
Old 08-23-2011, 10:17 PM   #6
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Re: head and heart!

If you've been with him for eight months and he's not talking, not accepting your invites and not inviting you anywhere, not interested in meeting your friends and family, or having you meet his, plus he's really "physically affectonate" and basically paying for you to spend time with him....

It doesn't seem that he has a high regard for your company or conversation. It looks like he's solely interested in booty. :/ I would say: Get off the rollercoaster and find a guy who wants to have a conversation.

Last edited by Linnia; 08-23-2011 at 10:19 PM.

 
Old 08-24-2011, 07:23 AM   #7
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Re: head and heart!

Well going 8-9 months together without verbally declaring love for each other is a serious issue. There are no easy or quick tricks to alleviate your conundrum. You should definitely have a serious discussion with him. Since you mentioned you have difficulty communicating, try writing it down. Doesn't have to be word-for-word, but more like discussion points used by speech-givers, so you can formulate the serious issues you wish to tackle.

Maybe he will change or maybe not. If he does show signs of taking a more active role in the relationship, be patient. If says he is too much of a man to communicate with you and not take part in your life, then you will just have to move on and find someone else.
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Old 08-24-2011, 03:31 PM   #8
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hi all

so i think that at the moment he is doing a very good job of helping me make up my mind.

Something came up today that forced me to voice my opinions. We had plans and he ditched me for a football game. He tried to make me feel guilty about it by saying he's bought me something and he'll just keep it himself. when i told him how i felt about the situation thinking ok we'll talk and sort it out, he turns his phone off and my mgs has 4hours later yet to be delivered to his phone.

so this is what i'm up against. A situation arising and him turning his phone off to avoid discussing it.

you pretty much nailed it on the head. i've been trying to put these thoughts aside thinking he's just a little slow and just give him some time. But really, things like this should be occuring already and they should be becuase that person wants to do it. Only thing i don't agree with is the interested in my booty. If anything i'm dragging him to bed more than he is me..

Quote:
Originally Posted by SingleHunter View Post
Well going 8-9 months together without verbally declaring love for each other is a serious issue. There are no easy or quick tricks to alleviate your conundrum. You should definitely have a serious discussion with him. Since you mentioned you have difficulty communicating, try writing it down. Doesn't have to be word-for-word, but more like discussion points used by speech-givers, so you can formulate the serious issues you wish to tackle.

Maybe he will change or maybe not. If he does show signs of taking a more active role in the relationship, be patient. If says he is too much of a man to communicate with you and not take part in your life, then you will just have to move on and find someone else.
I want to tell him that i love him but i think that you can see given the circumstance its not an ideal situation to say it especially while i'm feeling all this. Many i should write him a mail or something. Dunno if it would work. he might just completely close off. I think you saying " if hes too much of a man to communicate with you and not take part in your life then you will just have to moce on and find someone else" i think your right.
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Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-25-2011 at 10:08 AM. Reason: Posts merged.

 
Old 08-24-2011, 04:11 PM   #9
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Re: head and heart!

Quote:
Only thing i don't agree with is the interested in my booty. If anything i'm dragging him to bed more than he is me..
Well, that's just the icing on the cake for him... Look at it from his perspective: "Man, I don't need to put any effort into this relationship other than a bit of cash! She just does the work for me. I don't even have to put in effort for sex"

 
Old 08-24-2011, 07:56 PM   #10
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Re: head and heart!

With everything you've described, topped off by him blowing you off to go somewhere else, you having to practically force him to have sex, and his refusal to communicate...I have no other insight except...I think he's just not that in to you. Sticking around won't change his mind. In fact, he might feel "forced" to do something so rude or so disrespectful that YOU will break up with HIM, therefore alleviating him from having to do the dirty work. I'd say see ya and find a real boyfriend.

 
Old 08-25-2011, 05:26 AM   #11
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Re: head and heart!

Quote:
Originally Posted by emma j View Post
Something came up today that forced me to voice my opinions. We had plans and he ditched me for a football game. He tried to make me feel guilty about it by saying he's bought me something and he'll just keep it himself. when i told him how i felt about the situation thinking ok we'll talk and sort it out, he turns his phone off and my mgs has 4hours later yet to be delivered to his phone.
That is a very callow act on his part. If this is his idea of manhood, then I am shamed to call myself a man lest I'd be compared to the actions of your boyfriend.

So since your boyfriend wishes to go to extremes of zero communication, here is my new advice. This will take some gumption and mettle on your part. Leave him, cold turkey style. Not next month, not next week, not tomorrow. Leave him now. Delete his number, burn his pictures (unless their on a computer, then just delete them, don't set your computer on fire), and excommunicate him from your life. Think of it as a purge of evil spirits or unhealthy diet.

Since your boyfriend has already exhibited a stance that he is not adult enough to talk, you're left with very few options. You can keep trying to love him, being patient, and putting up with his "manliness", while you suffer and whittle down your self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence, or you can just walk away. Sometimes you can only deal with extreme problems with extreme solutions.
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