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Old 08-24-2011, 02:45 PM   #1
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lindseyjean HB User
I wonder if he still wants to be with me....

Hi all,

So as some of you know I have posted a couple of times on this board...however I have another issue that I would like outside advice on.

I recently quite my really good paying research position to finish school. While I am looking for another job (a part-time position) I have not found that yet and my boyfriend and I are really struggling with finances. I try am trying not to be bitchy because he is pretty much taking care of me right now. I try to help out as much as possible....I have enough to buy the groceries and I do, plus I take care of the house work since he is taking care of the bills.

Anyways we are a young couple (27 and 29) and I don't know if we will make it through this. Again I apply for jobs everyday (even positions that are well below what I can do) but I haven't gotten any bites....He comes home from work and doesn't really talk to me anymore. Sometimes he will give me a form of affection and other times he will go upstairs or into our bedroom without saying more than two words. To some this may not seem like a concern but it was never like this when I was working. We used to talk about EVERYTHING and now it is like he is just my roommate.

He does suffer from depression (he sees a psychiatrist and takes anti-depressants) but he has suffered from it since I have known him. Also THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART....The other day he told me that he made a list of the good things in his life and the bad things....I asked him if he minded sharing and he said sure. He shared a bit of it and then the subject changed...a day or so later I was sitting at his desk and I saw the list.

On the bad side it said things like:

My job is not respectable.
Lindsey and I fight all the time. (that is me)
His dad doesn't respect him.
My apartment is messy. (which it isn't....at least not in my point of view...I keep it as clean as possible....sometimes I leave the dishes overnight...)
etc

On the good side it said things like:

His nieces.
His friends.
He is getting in shape.
Lindsey is really good in bed.
etc

Then a bit further down there is a "good" category that says: past. Underneath past it says his ex girlfriend's name that he was in love with.

What does that mean? She put him through hell....so why would he put her name down? Does he want to go back to her? Her life is much better than mine(at least on the surface). She comes from a wealthy family and has a good stable job....

I don't want to confront him about it because even though he told me about the list he didn't mention the part about his ex.

Also I love him very much and I do ask him if he is happy in our relationship. But he gets upset and doesn't answer me....actually he does answer and this is his response: I know that you are trying to test my love for you so I am not going to answer...

-so confused and don't know what to do.

 
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Old 08-24-2011, 03:33 PM   #2
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SingleHunter HB UserSingleHunter HB UserSingleHunter HB UserSingleHunter HB UserSingleHunter HB User
Re: I wonder if he still wants to be with me....

A relationship is the sum of it parts. One of those parts is financial stability. The financial well-being of a couple has a large affect on the success of a relationship, and when the boat is rocked, eventually one member of the relationship tends to withdraw in one way or another. I've read similar instances of finances affecting a healthy relationship right on this message board.

In your case, considering the facts that you have provided, it seems that your boyfriend is affected by the financial responsibility he has undertaken. He is most likely thinking back to what he perceives as happier times with his ex, since you mentioned your bf's ex came from a wealthy family. People tend to ignore the bad events that surround a past relationship, and just focus on the good, especially when reminiscing during a difficult period in their life. Even though your bf had a troubled relationship with his ex, it's not going to stop him from just focusing on the few good things that did exist between them, such as her family's wealth. This is what I am gathering.

I would advise you to have a serious discussion with him, because ultimately it is with him you are having this issue. But based on what your bf said about him not answering you since he thinks it is a test of his love, he might be a stubborn case. If he still exhibits a continued stance on reticence, then you will need to take charge of your life and separate from him. I understand you wished to finish school, but you can always work a full time job and attend school part-time. Maybe you can go back to your good paying research job and just take one or two classes. Sometimes you have to compromise with yourself in order establish some boundaries so others don't step on you. Hope this helps a bit.
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Last edited by SingleHunter; 08-24-2011 at 03:35 PM.

 
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lindseyjean (08-31-2011)
Old 08-24-2011, 08:52 PM   #3
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Re: I wonder if he still wants to be with me....

You "tested" him a lot in the recent past, didn't you?

After a while, people get tired of being "tested". I'm betting that, along with the stress of supporting you financially, is contributing to his current attitude.

However, it seems like you are the most concerned about him putting his ex on his "list". If that concerns you, and you two are close enough to live together, then you need to ask HIM what that means to him. He may say "nothing", or he may say he is looking back to when things seemed to be simpler (realizing that the past gets cloudy with the passage of time), but we can't know what he meant by that. It seems to bother you more than any of the other issues; therefore, you need to ask him.

And I hope you've stopped with the "tests"! If supporting you financially isn't enough "proof" that he cares, I don't know what would make you believe it.

 
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lindseyjean (08-31-2011)
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