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Old 09-03-2011, 11:51 AM   #1
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Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

OK, I have posted before about this guy I am seeing. I am still very confused and I know that at times, I am way over-thinking this whole thing. I realized earlier today that why all of what he is doing and how this is going is so darned confusing to me is because it is SO different from any past dating experiences or relationships I have had. When I met my ex it was like fireworks. It was incredibly exciting and he made me feel beautiful and wanted. All I wanted was to be with him and we spent pretty much every waking hour together. Now, while those first few months were amazing, maybe they were a mistake, as we moved too fast. Perhaps all of that is why we are no longer together. All of the excitement was too intense in the beginning, we moved too fast, thought we loved each other and moved in together and got stuck.
Now, with this situation...he wants to be exclusive, but he doesn't want to talk to me or see me everyday. He never tells me I look nice, although he does occasionally notice random things, like my earrings...He has paid for me when we went out literally one time, not counting once for frozen yogurt. With him paying for me, he complained that it was expensive to have a "gal". We have to split everything and usually just pay for ourselves. NOW, I am not a gold digger in the least, but come on, sometimes it is nice to be treated. He does not feel this way at all. It makes me feel like he does not consider me special. He makes me dinner at his house a lot and at first I thought, "OK, this is how he shows me I am special to him, forget his not taking me out..." Well, he made a comment that its expensive to have me for dinner and that its my turn to cook him dinner. Like, this is all fine and dandy IF we were just friends. As friends, you do not expect people to pay for you or cook you dinner all the time, but we are not just friends...
Another thing is he is not at all interested in meeting my friends and family. I know it has only been a little over a month that we have been exclusive, but they have all obviously heard about him. They are curious and want to meet him. He has, on more that one occasion, mentioned he is not ready for that...
Another thing, he rarely shows interest in the things I like or do. He rarely asks me how school is going, doesn't ask me about my friends or how my blog is going. I show interest in all of his interests and would appreciate the same in return...
Is he just not in to me or is this who he is? He says he likes me, I am funny, smart, fun to be around, but his actions speak louder than his words...

 
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Old 09-03-2011, 01:05 PM   #2
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Re: Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

I don't think this is a cut and dry situation, as in, I don't think anyone on these boards can really speculate about whether he is into you or not. Not paying for meals, not seeing each other every day, these are things that work fine for some couples. I think the point here is, what he is doing isn't working for you. (Honestly, it wouldn't work for me either, but that's beside the point) You want to be treated nicely, pampered occasionally, and there's nothing wrong with that. You should probably ask yourself a couple of questions. First of all, is he financially strapped, and is it a hardship for him to pay for a dinner here and there or pay for groceries to cook you dinner (which, I don't really see a lot of extra cost here...he'd be cooking for himself if he was single). If he is, then it is probably more understandable that you split everything. Secondly, do you do things for him? Do you cook for him sometimes, or help him clean up his house/apt. when you stay there? Lastly, what were the circumstances of your becoming "exclusive"? Was he willing to right from the start or did he need some convincing?

Your relationship is so new, that this should really be kind of a honeymoon period...if it's already losing its luster, you probably are going to want to move on and find someone willing to put you first.

 
Old 09-03-2011, 02:30 PM   #3
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Re: Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

He is strapped for cash, he teaches PE at a school and is getting his masters before he turns in his final paperwork to become a licensed teacher. He works minimal hours with not great pay. SO, I can sort of see where he is coming from. HOWEVER, he does purchase certain things that I feel are totally a waste of money. I can't really say what it is on here, but I feel if you are strapped for cash, that expenditure should most definitely go out the window...My point, he splurges on certain things, yet makes me feel guilty he is feeding me. Dinner at his house kinda makes me feel weird now, like is he thinking, "If she weren't here, would I have more leftovers for lunch?" Obvious answer? Yes...
As for do I help out, yes I do. I do the dishes when he cooks. I also help him cook as he is teaching me how to cook since I need to be more self-sufficient in that department.
I see what you mean about how this should be the honeymoon period. Honestly, it was way more exciting when I was crushing on him and I wondered everyday if he would talk to me or brush against my arm again. It seems after getting to know him, its not as exciting. Maybe he feels the same, but if he isn't into me as much and that is why he does these things or doesn't act into me, why string me along? He knows that I don't want to get attached to just get hurt and knows that just a few short months ago I was hurt a lot by my ex. I am better now, but...I don't know. I don't get him. Sometimes I will have an amazing time with him, sometimes I want to seriously just tell him to take a hike...

 
Old 09-03-2011, 03:49 PM   #4
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Re: Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

I've said this to you before, but I think it bears repeating...

I think you should seriously rethink your reasons for staying in this relationship. Otherwise, if you're really not all that into HIM (never mind if he's that into YOU!), deal with it now, or you run the risk of staying in another relationship for 7 years and when it ends, you are devastated because you have allowed him to become a huge part of your life whether you truly are in love with him or not.

With your last relationship, you said you'd fallen out of love long before it ended, yet you were totally devastated when it finally did end. That's what happens when you "overstay" a relationship. You get so accustomed to that person being in your life that it almost kills you when they are no longer there.

Ask yourself, why am I in this relationship? Is it because he gives me joy, because he adds something good and special to my life? Is it because I love being with him and look forward to seeing him when I'm not? Is it because I can't imagine NOT being with him? Or is it because I feel obligated to stay with him because we've had sex? Is it because it's nice to have companionship, is it because I am used to being in a relationship and feel "off" if I'm not, is it because I don't want to be alone while my ex enjoys his new girlfriend?

Once you've determined WHY you want to stay with this man despite the things he does that are not really ok with you (and as redsoxgirl said, there's nothing wrong with the things you want), then I think the decision will be clear. As you've found out, having a crush on a guy and actually seeing him regularly are not the same thing because now you know things about him you didn't know before. And if you figure out that you really don't see yourself making any kind of long-term or permanent commitment to this man, don't drag it out. End it immediately before you become so accustomed to his being around that it's nearly impossible to break the tie.

 
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Old 09-04-2011, 11:16 AM   #5
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Re: Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

I just don't think you two are compatiable. He seems boring and doesn't sound that much into you (this is what i see as an outsider) and not very sociable/romantic etc.... you seem to like special moments , socialising , travelling. I guess you are both different. As someone said its supposed to the honeymoon period and the most fun times yet you don't sound happy. My advice ....find someone better. I think hes set in his ways and doubt will change. In my opinion if someone is into someone they show it and not make them feel guilty for cooking for them and they make them feel loved, happy, desired and special. Doesnt sound like your getting what you need.

 
Old 09-04-2011, 03:30 PM   #6
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Re: Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

I agree. After yesterday and some thought, I am going to treat him as a friend with benefits. This is going to sound horrible, but I really enjoy him in bed and that is about all that I am getting out of this. I hate to say this, but if he were just a little more gentlemanly and went out of his way for me a little more, I wouldn't feel like sex was the main reason I would like to still see him. He has some, shall we say, assets that sets him apart from other men I have been with. Is it wrong to think of him in a non-committed-sex and occasional-dinners-kind of way?

 
Old 09-04-2011, 04:19 PM   #7
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Re: Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

Quote:
Originally Posted by tattooedgirly View Post
Is it wrong to think of him in a non-committed-sex and occasional-dinners-kind of way?
I believe it's only "wrong" if you don't let him know that's all he's going to be to you. Don't deceive him and lead him to believe that you view him as your boyfriend, partner, whatever. Be straightforward and honest and give him the chance to opt out if that's not what he's after. If all you like about him is that he's "well endowed", don't let him believe you have feelings for him because that would be mean.

Also, remember...it's very easy to get attached to someone even if you're absolutely sure all you want is a FWB. For example, what if he dates or sleeps with someone else? Would that bother you? What about diseases? If he sleeps with someone else and potentially exposes you to a disease, what about that? What if you feel like "getting some" from him and he says no thanks, he's not available that day? Will you feel angry, rejected or hurt? What if he flat out says "no thanks" to the FWB idea? I've found that in most of the allegedly "FWB" only situations that I've known about personally, one of the people involved either agreed to the FWB because they hoped it would become more, or they ended up developing feelings for the other person and tried to make it into a relationship. Then the other person ended up having to end the "FWB" arrangement because they didn't feel the same way. And the one getting left ended up feeling brokenhearted, hurt and used.

I just think you should proceed with caution, be honest with him and with yourself about what you truly want. And don't be in such a rush to replace your ex that you do something that will damage yourself even more.

Last edited by CadenceA; 09-04-2011 at 04:23 PM.

 
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Old 09-05-2011, 09:50 PM   #8
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Re: Completely unsure about this whole "dating" thing...

I agree you should at least have a talk and tell him. You know yourself how relationships can become painful when secrets are kept from one. I hope it agrees to the FWB if thats what you both want. Not sure if your ready for a relationship with anyone yet but i'd just like to point out that maybe your delaying meeeting someone special who has EVERYTHING or mostly what you are looking for. Unless you are not interested in a full on relationship for time. Its true what the other post said though it all depends on if both people accept the arrangement and also if you can handle rejection , him seeing another girl etc.... Usually jealousy happens when 2 people are not committed but still have sex. Not always though.

 
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