I totally relapsed...I am not proud to say I inquired about my ex from a friend. I, of course, found out he is still with the tramp he left me for. Of course he is. Why would he choose to be alone to work on his many demons and to actually experience single life? He gets guaranteed sex, a moron to stroke his ego, and he doesn't have to be alone enough to actually think about what he did and let it soak in. I also found out he lost his job, is living on unemployment and quit school. I am sure this 19 year old's parents are THRILLED she found such a winner; every parent is excited when their barely legal daughter finds a 26 year old dead beat who cheated on his long-term gf, who has no job, no schooling, no goals or motivation in life. Wow. He is also, most likely, becoming quite the drunk. As much as he is a TOTAL loser, WHY DO I STILL MISS WHAT WE HAD?? I am disgusted with myself...
And no, for all those inquiring minds, I did NOT contact him. I have not been in contact with him for months...
Not to sound harsh but....if he's such a "loser", why did you expend so much time and energy in that relationship? Was he good enough for you when you two were together or was he still a "loser"? If he was and still is a loser, you should be rejoicing in the fact, you no longer have to carry his dead weight around any more. You no longer have to make excuses for this guy. You no longer have to justify to yourself, your friends or your family why you're in such a long-term, committed relationship with this guy.
My ex-wife swore up and down that I would fail miserably when we divorced. She was looking forward to the day when, she assumed, I would regret not trying harder to make our marriage work. She even told my then fiance' (now 2nd wife) that I would fall flat on my face. Twelve years later, I make more money than she'll ever make; I'm happier than I've ever been and my marriage is stronger and better than ours ever was or would have been. I take solace in the fact that I am ultimately so much better off now that I'm no longer married to her.
If you really want to take revenge on your ex, never think about him again. Never utter his name again. Move on with your life, find a new love, a new job, new friends, a new hobby and never regret your decision for breaking up with him. Show him, thru your actions, you don't need him and you're better off without him.
No, of course, I don't feel better, because it's not what I wanted to hear (except the losing his job, total loser status). I know 100% that us breaking up was the best thing to happen to me. My life is enough to make some jealous. I have men falling all over each other to get to me, I'm gainfully employed, I have my own amazing apartment, I am starting on my masters, I am dating someone new, and most importantly, I have my family and friends close. When I was with him, I had nothing, but still, STILL, I miss what we had when it was good. Would I drop everything in my life to get him back? A few days ago, I'd say heck no. Now? I'm a mess now, so the answer isn't necessarily no...how pathetic am I? I just want him to leave her for me so she can see how it feels and so she and everyone else can see that I did mean something to him and that I really wasnt the fool who stayed with a man who is the epitome of loser and who really never gave a crap about me...maybe then he will make all that right...
So, were you able to find a good therapist to help you work through this? Sounds like it's going to take some work and I wonder if you want to move through it after all, or just stay stuck.
I just started my masters in counseling, with that, I get free counseling. Jumper, many many people stay with people who are "losers" because they fail to see the whole picture, hindsight is 20/20
Jumper, many many people stay with people who are "losers" because they fail to see the whole picture, hindsight is 20/20
Understand. Looking back, I was more than just a tad naive when still married to my ex. I didn't see the big picture on how our marriage truly was. Everyone in my family did, but I either failed, neglected or if I did see, chose not to accept it. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and vow not to make those again.
It sounds like you have so much more going for you now that I wouldn't even bother giving your ex the satisfaction of so much as a fleeting thought.
Exactly, I mistook his complete disregard for others but himself and his total lack of motivation to succeed in life as him being super laid back and easy going. I made excuse after excuse for his behavior, all the while believing the excuses. My family also couldn't stand him but of course never told me till after we broke up. My mom said she was said for my pain but felt like dancing because I was free of "that sorry excuse for a life, no-good slob". She really disliked him, but ever the gracious person, accepted him into our family and always treated him with love and respect. So, thats why I spent 7 years with a loser. There is also that desire to "fix" people that I have. Ive def learned from that mistake. Still, as happy as I am with my new life, it still hurts I was yet again, left for another woman. It hurts to think he is with her, comparing her and I and feeling happy I'm gone. I have this major complex that makes me wish that I mean more to people that when they leave me, they have a hard time with me not being in their lives. I guess I'm not that influential and important to people, enough for that to be the case...
One day he may wake up and find reality smacking him square across the face so hard he sneezes out of butt and it will be at the moment that he realizes he has been a royal screw up all his life and he finally realizes he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Or he may not. But it really doesn't matter anymore. What should matter to you is you did your best to help "fix" him, you loved him unconditionally, you were willing to overlook his faults and short-comings but he's the one who threw it all away. His loss.
Instead of thinking about what him and his new gf are doing or what he may be thinking, think of it in terms of: he's now her problem. Not yours. You no longer have to worry about coming up with excuses why he's lazy; you no longer have to pay his way thru life because he's not willing to get a job. You now have a new life, a new relationship, new opportunities, new treasures to find, new goals to attain.
Try not to dwell on the what if's in life. I mean...what if frogs had wings? They wouldn't land on their backsides so hard when they jumped.
The Following User Says Thank You to JumperOK For This Useful Post: cryingforever (09-07-2011)
After reading most of the thread, what I'm left with is that your ego took one hell of a hit and your ex leaving the tramp will validate your ego, nothing more. All in all, you probably dont want him back but doggone it, no one else should either, right? All I can say is, do positive things that validate you and don't make contact ever. Repeat positive affirmations!
I am def bad at always thinking what-if. I always think how much better I would feel if we'd just broken up and he didn't cheat or leave me for someone else, but that's not the case. I need to accept what it is and move on.
My ego took a HARD hit. I already have low self-esteem so this did NOT help. Men can call me beautiful all day long and I just think their crazy...or blind...
Try not to crave that outward validation, in other words, your looks. Work on improving your inner beauty. When that improves, it'll show on the outside too and then I believe you won't need anyone telling you how you look even though it will improve and be well deserved. Not to repeat too much but - Positive Affirmations.
I don't crave that validation, well, maybe sometimes. I really have major image issues. From what my friends, family, bf's and random men I have dated have all said, I am good looking, but I truly do not think I am. I think I have good attributes, like style, hair, tattoos, etc. but I do not think I am a natural beauty. The guy I am dating called me beautiful the other night and I was shocked. I am not beautiful, but all of this is a whole other problem...
Today went surprisingly well considering I was a royal mess last night after hearing all of the details of his current status...I really thought I had moved on and was fine. I was not thinking of this everyday and then BLAM, I started missing him like crazy. I must be a masochist for missing a person who treated me so poorly. I really am the luckiest girl in the world to be freed from that relationship to live an amazing life. SO, why am I daydreaming about the way we were all those years ago when it was good? What kills me is that when he met me, he was so crazy about me, he told everyone about how amazing I was, he was truly smitten. With this girl, he has told no one unless they asked and I can see how he would not exactly want to shout from the roof tops that he is crazy about a 19 year-old he slutted out to his friend before he got his sloppy seconds...I can't see how any of what they have can feel right...
Calling his new GF all those names might make you feel better but it really makes you look jealous and petty. You want him to ditch her and come back to you (even if it's just for your ego) and he won't, so you are resorting to name-calling. Honestly, if you said those words out loud to someone you'd sound like a totally jealous, miserable dumpee.
I'm not saying you are abnormal...most women who have been dumped for someone else won't have nice things to say about their replacement. But now is the time to take a lesson from Beyonce (in "Survivor), where she says her momma raised her better than that. If you act the bigger person, you will BE the bigger person.
The one and only reason you are so upset and obsessed is because he dumped you for someone else before you had a chance to dump him. If you were the one to move on, I'm sure you wouldn't be acting jealous and obsessed.
If you get free counseling, why not take advantage of it? Maybe a counselor can help you to understand why you are pining after this man, if he's really what you describe. If you can understand what it is about you that makes you yearn for a man like him (despite the fact that you claim you fell out of love with him long ago, which seems to be untrue), then maybe you can learn to make it stop. And don't you want to stop feeling like this? I can't imagine it's any fun for you.
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post: Curious One (09-08-2011)
What names did I call her other than a tramp and a child, which is exactly what she is? My ex himself, called her a tramp and that she had slept around with a lot of guys on campus. My ex even introduced her to his friend for sex and only that. Also, a woman who sleeps with an attached man and knows it, is a tramp. What else would I call her? Being a young girl who just turned 19, she is a child. I don't care what anyone says. At 19, you are young, idealistic, foolish and immature. I don't care how mature you think you are, look back on your 19 year old self and you will agree. I am calling her what she is, simple as that. Also, I have called her names to all of my family and friends and guess what? They agreed wholeheartedly. Yes, I am jealous, but what red-blooded woman cheated on is not??! Really now, I know you think I am foolish, but I know that all of my feelings are normal. I was in a devoted, serious, long term relationship that turned sour. Just because it turned sour does not justify cheating or leaving me for a girl who is too young to know what she is walking into. Oh and I am not resorting to name calling because I did not get my way, I am calling her what she is because its the truth and I am flaming mad that I was blindsided by these two who both swore they were "just friends". And you think this little girl isn't calling me names to all of her friends?? You make is sound like I am the bad guy because I am venting my feelings on an anonymous forum.
I think you missed my point, so maybe I just didn't make it very clear. Sorry about that.
The point I was trying to make is that all of your jealousy, your anger and your obsession doesn't hurt either one of them one bit. But I bet it doesn't make you happy, does it? Holding onto bitterness, jealousy and anger does a number on you, not to mention the health effects. And sure, your friends and family will be supportive of you. They love you and want you happy. But it seems like all of this isn't making you happy or even fading much with time.
I think somewhere inside of you, you think that maybe she does have something you lack and that's why he left you for her. But that's just not true. My ex left me for someone younger but I know that she is not better than me...she just met the requirements of what he is looking for in a girlfriend and believe me, I don't want to be the woman he wants, and I don't want to be like her. So I accepted that we didn't belong together and he chose someone he liked better, and I moved on and chose someone I liked better.
Anyway, that's why I suggested taking advantage of free counseling services. Learning to accept what has happened, realize that it has no reflection on your worth as a human and a woman, and learning to let go of negative feelings is only going to help you.
You're young and have a great future ahead of you. Why would you want to spend any more of it feeling the way you do now?
Of course I fear she has something I lack. When he broke up with me he told me she made him laugh, she "got" him, she was smart, etc. ALL of those things he knew would strike a cord with me. He was always the funny one. I consider myself quite amusing as do my loyal blog followers, in a nut shell, I can make people laugh. However, he only laughed at his own jokes and rarely stopped laughing to hear mine. I would make comments like, "I guess you are the only funny one". So, he knew telling me she makes him laugh would cut deep. A friend that knows her, says she's dry as a board, so she may not be as funny as he says she is, but still that cut deep. Also, the she "got" him one made me flaming mad. She does not really know him, not like I do, so how could she "get" him. She doesn't know the 19 year old I met all those years ago who got kicked out of school because he attempted suicide, the man who cut himself and who cried a lot, in my arms. She knows ABSOLUTELY nothing. What he is now is a total act, a real show. He thinks she "gets" him because she laughs at his stupid one-liners from TV shows and movies that I stopped laughing at because it all got really old. Him saying she was smart was a cut at the fact that we both knew I felt inferior to his vast amount of knowledge of history and current events. He also told me she looks like a pin up, I am very into the vintage, pin up stuff and for him to tell me that is like a slap in the face...not that I can't look like a pin up, but he knew all of those things would hurt...
So, long story short, I fear everyday that she really is all those things that he felt I wasn't. I know deep down I am all of those things and more, I am so much more than her, but it is hard to stand up straight and really believe it.
But you see, that's the problem. You are allowing someone who you say you stopped being in love with long ago dictate how you feel about yourself. And that's not healthy.
If he's all the negative things you say he is, how is it that you think he has the right to decide whether or not you are worth loving?
You are handing your self-worth over to someone who shouldn't have it. That should belong to you.
That's why therapy is a good answer for you. You can learn to value yourself enough so some guy you say you don't love has no effect on your life or self-esteem. As he shouldn't. And then you can truly be free of all of the envy, insecurity and anger that you have inside of you and be a positive, confident person who knows she deserves better.
I know...and I have really no idea why I am still valuing his opinion. Even when I was disgusted with him I would still look up to him, place him on a pedestal. I am definitely going to go to therapy. I know I need it for this. I think I invest way more thought, energy and love into people than I get in return. I can guarantee he, or any man I have been involved with, ever invested this much thought or energy into thinking of me or loving me...It's sad really...
Cadence mentioned the free therapy in her last three responses to you. Are you taking advantage of the resource? Will you? Do you agree or disagree that it would help you to move on -- for real? Do you want to move on -- for real? Meaning in your actions AND thoughts.
