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Old 09-12-2011, 12:52 PM   #1
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Tomorrow

So tomorrow I'm visiting my ex's city to meet with a colleague about work and to see my old flat mate who has been keeping onto some of my stuff - need to pick some things up before she leaves the city at the end of the week.

My flight is in less than 12 hours and I'm in a bit of a panic. I promised myself I would never, ever speak to my ex again after he broke up with me via email and ignored my messages. It's not so much the break up that has hurt me, but the way he did it.

Tomorrow, I'll be only 10minutes from his workplace. I know 100% that I shouldn't contact him. I can't help but wonder if meeting for a coffee (as long as he doesn't ignore me) and talking through it might help me.

I'm not angry anymore. But I'm still so disappointed and it aches so much. I miss his company too. Maybe a talk and to forgive and forget will help me?

I'm feeling very confused and hurt right now. Need your help and support please. Thank you.

Last edited by cherrytart097; 09-12-2011 at 12:56 PM.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 01:22 PM   #2
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Re: Tomorrow

I can tell you how it will probably go...

He will either 1) ignore your request (after all, he didn't respond to your barrage of emails before), leaving you starting fresh with new feelings of hurt, disappointment and heartache, adding in some embarrassment. Or he will 2) accept and you won't get the answers you are seeking (he'll say he doesn't know, this is just what he needs to do), leaving you starting fresh with new feelings of hurt, disappointment and heartache, adding in some embarrassment and anger at yourself for allowing him to hurt you once again.

Personally, I'd like to take the person who came up with the concept of "closure" and toss them over a cliff! LOL

What is it that he can say that will make you feel better about this situation?

I promise you, trying to renew contact, even if you are telling yourself it's just this one time, will do nothing but renew the hurt, making it just as sharp (if not sharper) as when it first happened.

The solution to having an infectious disease isn't to continue to expose yourself to the disease! And the solution to someone hurting you isn't to continue to make yourself available to them so they can hurt you some more.

And honestly...are you secretly hoping he'll say he misses you and made a mistake and wants you back? What if he doesn't? Will you be terribly let down and disappointed?

I vote no to trying to meet up. I understand that you are hurting and you can't help but wish he would ask you to get back together, but it's only been a couple of weeks. If you are going to heal from this man who hurt you, and who would likely hurt you again, you need to protect yourself by staying away.

 
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Old 09-12-2011, 01:44 PM   #3
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Re: Tomorrow

Thanks for your reply.

I can promise you I don't want him back. I would feel sick of he said he wants me back etc. As you point out, he would just do it again so I would be wasting my time and setting myself up for more disappointment and hurt.

It's more about asking him why he did it. But your'e right - what's the point? It's already been done. No going back now.

He didn't think about me not only when he decided to send me an email like that but also in the week after by ignoring me. It wasn't an impulsive decision. He just doesn't care.

Thanks for the reality check.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:01 PM   #4
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Re: Tomorrow

I swear to you, the Destruction Avenue of Love is littered with more "Why's?" than you could ever count. I honestly believe there is nothing he could say to you to make that trip worthwhile. Nothing! Please, for your own sake, let this die a peaceful death and leave things as they are. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the best advice I think. Good Luck to you!

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:08 PM   #5
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Re: Tomorrow

I'm so sorry guys, I really hope I don't disappoint you, but I messaged him Hope you guys won't be too harsh on me. A very simple coffee invite, and telling him no worries if he's busy. He replied almost immediately, saying yes, sounding very chirpy and he even added a kiss at the end of his message. This has made me feel very nauseous. I think I'll just tell him my meeting has been rescheduled and I won't be able to meet him. The fact that he sounds friendly, well, that's enough for now.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:11 PM   #6
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Re: Tomorrow

Well, I kind of thought you already messaged him and then only afterward asked advice.

Yes, he's sounding chirpy and happy because he will get a chance to do the exact same thing again. He will be super nice, hoping to rope you back in so you can be his supportive person that he will use when he feels like having someone to boost him up, then he will go right back to ignoring you.

I guess I don't get why you want to be so nice to someone who treated you so badly. I don't get why you want him in your life. I really don't understand...except I do believe you want him to ask for you to come back even if you don't admit it to yourself.

You already know he'll probably hurt you again, but if this is what you want there isn't really anything to say.

Last edited by CadenceA; 09-12-2011 at 02:14 PM.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:29 PM   #7
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Re: Tomorrow

Let me tell you my experience...I too dated someone who had some kind of problem dealing with people. He would say or do something totally mean and heartless, I'd leave for a while, then (because my self-esteem was in the toilet) I'd go back after a week or so. When I came back, he'd hug me and kiss me and act like nothing had happened, even if what he'd done was tell me to go away and never come back and that he didn't love me. When I came back and he acted like nothing had happened, things would be "fine" for a few weeks...then the exact same thing would happen again, he'd do something or say something, I'd leave, wait a few days, come back, he'd act like nothing had happened, we picked up the relationship again...lather, rinse, repeat. This went on for so long that it's ridiculous. Finally, the relationship ended and I got off that roller coaster. I can't believe I put up with it for as long as I did, but all I wanted was for this guy to love me because I didn't have enough caring or respect for myself to demand to be treated decently.

Now I realize that not only do I no longer care if he loves me, I dont' love or even care for him at all. Anyone who could treat another human being that way is not someone I want in my life. He doesn't deserve my friendship or my love.

This man has already shown you how capable he is of being mean and heartless. He completely disregarded your feelings and couldn't even man up enough to tell you in person or even over the phone. And you want to spend time with him? I don't get it, unless there's some reason I don't know about why you feel like you have to have this man in your life.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:41 PM   #8
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Re: Tomorrow

You're *so* right, CadenceA. I know I act the opposite of what you say, but I totally believe what you say.

I am quite a strong girl and I do have standards, believe it or not. I'm just acting foolishly and I can't explain why. I guess it's the hurt?

I know he would do it again. I know he's probably done it before in his dysfunctional relationships. Please below me when I say I don't want him back because I know.

Maybe I could tell him my meeting over run and don't have time. But I can feel the urge to meet with him. But as you say, I could end up very hurt. What if he wants to tell me about a new girlfriend? What if seeing him will make me more upset? I have a job interview the next day, I don't want anything hampering it.

Gosh, I feel like an idiot but right now I don't think I can help myself.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:42 PM   #9
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Re: Tomorrow

Cadence - You hit the nail on the head, we can never make another person love us or ultimately do anything they don't want to do. All we can do is react appropriately, as in, you hurt me - I reject you or you love and treat me well - I do the same back. It's an important lesson to learn.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:43 PM   #10
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Re: Tomorrow

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoopee View Post
Cadence - You hit the nail on the head, we can never make another person love us or ultimately do anything they don't want to do. All we can do is react appropriately, as in, you hurt me - I reject you or you love and treat me well - I do the same back. It's an important lesson to learn.
Agreed.

And just to add - I know it's only been two weeks but I've been keeping myself busy, trying to look forward and it may be too soon but I joined a dating website and already have two very (seemingly) nice men who want to take me out.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 02:49 PM   #11
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Re: Tomorrow

You can help yourself. No one but you can force you to do anything. You will meet up with him if you want to and if you don't you won't.

I forgot to say that this man will put you through this cycle for as long as you allow him to. My ex kept "letting" me come back because he liked the idea of someone being so crazy about him that she'd put up with anything and keep coming back, plus it gave him access to someone he could use for whatever he wanted. Bonus for him was he only had to be nice to me when he felt like it! He even told me "you're not going anywhere". Oh, and if I ever tried to talk to him about his hurtful behavior he accused me of trying to "ruin" our relationship or he'd ask why I was bringing up old stuff. He hasn't changed either...he treated his girlfriend before me the same and he's doing it to his current 2 girlfriends (he managed to hoodwink 2 women at the same time into wanting him, believe it or not!).

So, you need to decide. I believe you will meet with him and I believe you will end up getting hurt by him again one way or another. He's shown you that he hurts you, yet you still want to spend time with him. You're giving him permission to continue hurting you and he knows it and will take advantage of it. You have the power to break it off for good now but I guess you don't want to yet. When and only when you've had enough of his hurtful behavior will you break this tie.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 03:22 PM   #12
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Re: Tomorrow

I've had that happen to me once before, I wouldn't let it happen again. I know the pain and damage it can cause, and I'm sorry you've been through it too. Good lesson to learn to stop it from happening again though, right?

I don't want my ex back. And I don't he wants to get back together either. He's been very clear about how he feels.

Now that I have his message, I don't feel the need to meet him as much as I did before I sent the message. Maybe it's because he hasn't ignored me? I don't think I could handle the awkwardness and possible pain from hearing something I don't want to hear, like how great he is doing or the new girl he is seeing. That would hurt me more than hearing him wanting to get back together, for example.

 
Old 09-12-2011, 04:24 PM   #13
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Re: Tomorrow

Well, I hope seeing him doesn't send you right back to day one of feeling awful. I don't think there are any good reasons to see him, but of course that is 100% your choice!

I really hope he doesn't pour on the "sweet, nice" routine and get you back to hoping. They do that when they feel one of their conquests moving away because they view them as their property (my ex STILL regards me as his even though he broke up with me a couple of years ago and he doesn't think I should date because then he'll know I've moved on for good...too bad for him!). He'll want to keep you in the "lineup" so to speak, so he'll put on the sweet guy act so you'll be available to him. Either that or he'll be so mean you'll walk away shocked and crying and he'll feel powerful. I've seen these guys at work and it's always some kind of tactic that they pull to keep you hanging on. Forewarned is forearmed!

 
Old 09-16-2011, 02:46 AM   #14
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Re: Tomorrow

Update: moved this discussion into a new thread because I want to separate it - I want to focus on moving on now.

Last edited by cherrytart097; 09-16-2011 at 02:53 AM.

 
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