Ok there is this guy i have known for 6 months and hes amazing he makes me feel great. But he has c.p and it scares me. at sometimes I think Im doing something wrong like its ilegal at others im afraid im going to have to support him. In my heart I love him but I wont be with him because I dont want to hurt him. but I want to know is it comon for non cp and cps to date. I am sorry if i sound stupid i want information so i dont hurt him.
Your post has touched my heart. I have tears as I respond to you! I am the mother of a 21 year old daughter who has mild CP. In high school she dated the same boy for 2+ yrs but it was his family that didn't accept my daughter or her challenges. This put an incredible strain on the relationship and ultimately it ended.
I have never let my daughter use her physical limitations as an excuse for not accomplishing whatever she sets her sights on. She has carried this into her adult life, and while at times she struggles to understand how people can be so angry, shallow, and mean spirited towards her she knows that those are their issues and not hers!
My hope is you educate yourself on individuals inflicted with CP - it's not illegal to date, marry or have sexual relationships with them. Many are self supporting, functioning members of society and most have a much more positive outlook on life than abled bodied people.
From your post I have to assume you are young, my only advice to you moving forward in life is follow your heart and your mind will usually tag along. Good luck to you! :-)
The Following User Says Thank You to Potsy For This Useful Post: jaramajo (05-24-2012)
I see what you mean Always. I have mild cerebral palsy myself, but no one would ever know, so it's not really an issue, but perhaps there are also other aspects to it? Like shame?
I know it's such a taboo, but i was so surprised in myself, when i found out that i actually wouldn't date another guy with a more severe, noticeable disability. It made me feel really horrible inside, and like i was the most shallow person in the world. But as a young woman (like you) i couldn't help but to feel like, him having a disability, made him weak in a way. It really shoke my entire way of looking at gender roles. I didn't find it particularly attractive that i would potentially have to care for him, and other people would also percieve him like that. It was like when everybody around me thought of him as being a bad choice and lower in the hiearchy (and he himself felt branded as such and acts like it. Has low selfesteem. It makes it hard to look at him with pride, if he doesn't himself) ultimately i would also see him like that and ultimately it made my stock on the market plummet. It makes both him and you a sort of outcast, and sadly, i can't be that. I wish i could say i can, but i can't, maybe because i'm young, i don't know. Humans are social people and i can't live in solitude, with him and me as a unit, it's a fantasy when people say they can, humans need other people around them.
You said he makes you afraid you'll break him, perhaps you are also struggling with genderroles? (him being the stronger one and provider, you being the caretaker etc)
I see your point. I'm not with this person any more. I would say today, that it depends a lot on the persons attitude and the way he regards himself. If he sees himself as independent, you will also percieve him that way, and it won't be a problem.I would date someone if that was the case. But if he seriously is challenged, walks with aid and is to some extend dependent on someone, i would see it as a problem.
I just thought you would appreciate a different view on things...even if it's not the most popular one.
Hey, I know your post is kind of old, but I would like to know if any of those who date someone with cp had problems with making thir families accept their partner? My bf has cp and my mother is totaly against our relationship
Well, I am an example of a person with CP whose ex-boyfriend's mother was not too crazy about me at least partially because of the CP's existence. The way she put it was that I was "not active enough" for him, which was crazy because I wasn't exactly preventing him from going to play tennis with other people or whatever he wanted to do. She was a spoiled type of person who was just too special to lower herself to be around someone who was not as special as she was. So there will be people who just don't get it.
First, thanks a lot for your answer Second...so what do you mean is that she'll never be ok with it? She said she can't be totally against us as I am over 18 and she can't force me but she "can't stand to see us" so I cannot come home with him, which is really bad having into consideration that he's currently studing in a city 9 hours away and he's orginally from a city 1 hour away from mine, so when he goes home the only way of meeting is if I go there...
I would ask her specifically what she has a problem with. Make her be very clear with you. If it is truly merely appearance issues that she does not like, you can ask why that is an issue/how it affects her. Assure her that you are able to "handle it" if she tells you that she is worried about any effects on you. I think for now the best thing for you to do is spend time with him any place where your mother is not. It is less stressful for you and it will not make him feel needlessly uncomfortable based on an outsider's opinion. If, however, your mother is only concerned about you and you work that out with her, you might be okay from then on to hang out with this guy wherever you want. Good luck!
Hey, thanks again I talked to her and made it clear that there are no problems for me, it doesn't affect me in any way as my bf is very independent and needs very little help. I think that's why she didn't prohibed it to me. That's the only thing she said, she "can't stand to see us", something like "you're ruining your life and I can't stand to see this"... I don't know how to make her understand that my life is way better since I met him and I'm definitely not ruining my life!
If you wanted to, you could ask her HOW he would be ruining your life and WHAT EXACTLY she can't stand to see. To me the more detailed answers she has to give you, the more opportunity she has to see what a narrow view she has. She has to have been alive long enough to know that every single person on this earth is different and you cannot assume things about them based on what you are looking at. If she does not get this, there is nothing you can do right now. If you stay with him for a while and she sees you are the same person and you are not falling apart as she expected, she might come around. Somehow I doubt she would learn anything from stories you could find about people with disabilities who are doing normal things plus outstanding things. I would advise you to see this guy on your own right now. See how you two do without your mother being involved. If you stay together it doesn't matter what she thinks. If you don't then at least you know you didn't let him go for reasons he never deserved.
The Following User Says Thank You to yankeegirl For This Useful Post: JaneDoe02 (11-08-2012)
Why would that scare you? If you love him you'll accept him for who he is. Yes, in my experience it is common for people with Cerebral Palsy and people without Cerebral Palsy to date. I have Cerebral Palsy and I have dated people who don't have Cerebral Palsy. I hope this helps.
I'm seeing a man with CP too and I'm very worried about what to do too. He has many, many wonderful qualities. He also has a learning disability on top of all the various physical issues he deals with on a daily basis. He has a BA and is bright and funny, but he has tremendous difficulty organizing. This difficulty organizing effects him personally and professionally. He is very hard working, but there seem to be very few jobs out there (that I can think of at least) suitable to his strengths and weaknesses. Currently, he is unemployed and has no insurance so many of his basic healthcare needs are going unmet. He is in pain and sometimes distracted by that, but he essentially has a very cheerful disposition.
If I were wealthy, i would swoop him up out of the trouble he is in and use whatever was at my disposal to help him. Unfortunately, at this time, I'm struggling financially too; furthermore, I have a disability myself which requires monitoring. I care for him so much, but this relationship is taking a toll on me. (I'm crying as I write this.) My head is telling me that this is not a viable relationship, there are too many issues for me to take care of for myself to have to also take care of him - it's never 50/50 but not because he doesn't want it to be. He is very aware of the imbalance. My heart tells me two things (1) I don't want to hurt him by ending the relationship and (2) I really care for him so much and enjoy his company so much. Now I feel immobilized - I don't know what to do. I have to have faith in him and his ability to create his own happiness, and I don't want to feel like a martyr. This relationship feels like so much work and I do most of the heavy lifting which wouldn't be that much of a problem if I weren't trying to lift myself up too at the same time.
If you were in my position, how would you proceed? I really need constructive advice please.