Hey all. I really want to hear some opinions on this. First, this has nothing to do with the status of my ex or the guy I am dating. It has to do with something they both said, the exact same thing. I am curious what it could mean about their emotional stability and maturity. I already know they both have issues with this, but what exactly does this mean when someone says it? OK, here it is...when I was discussing how it made feel when he said to get off his arm rudely, he said, "Well, I am just an a$$hole then". I was transported right back to my apartment I shared with my ex, on the bed we used to share, in the middle of a "discussion". He would say the EXACT same thing. I don't want advice to run away and never look back, I am getting to all that, I really am. I just want some thoughts and opinions on this response.
There isn't anything that "all men" do. That's like saying all women love to buy shoes, or all women are gold-diggers. It's just that, whether you realize it or not, you tend to be attracted to the same type of man and that's why their behaviors are similar. You may THINK the current guy is nothing like your ex, but there could definitely be similarities in the way they deal with conflicts, for example, if you really sit and think about it.
I had an interesting conversation the other day with 2 female coworkers. They absolutely insisted that "all men" are cheaters. They claim the ones who haven't cheated just haven't cheated "yet" and would jump at the chance if someone offered them one. Interestingly enough, one of the women has been divorced twice and the other one is going through her third divorce. So, given these women's history with the men they've chosen to be with, their experience is that "all men" are cheaters. Now, if they'd chosen different men, they probably wouldn't have this viewpoint.
So, I'm willing to chalk your experience up to the type of man you are attracted to. If you chose a different type of man, you probably wouldn't be hearing your ex's words coming out of his mouth!
I must be subconsciously attracted to the same type of man, because I thought I was picking someone totally different. The two men could not be less alike in almost every aspect. However, it has come to be true that they have the same emotional maturity level and they both act like talking about feelings will be the death of them. I just thought the phrase, "I am just an ******* then" was interesting. What does that mean? Does that mean you just want to shut me up and you think that is what I want to hear? Do you really think you are an ******* and nothing will cure you? Why say that PARTICULAR phrase??
No, not all men do this. In the 20 years I've been with my husband he's never said this, and my ex-bf of 4 years before then never did either and he wasn't such a nice guy.
He comes across as a petulant child. He's sitting there thinking that you're thinking he's an ahole so he childishly agrees with you, probably to shut you up. It's a very immature thing to do. The way he handled the hurt arm incident was also very immature and showed a complete lack of respect for you.
It could just be coincidence that you picked two men who have some similar traits, but you could subconciously be drawn to something similar about them. Neither of them respect you.
Dear tattoogirly. So we has another eposoid with the sore arms? Wow. Two different guys 2 different complaints. Am I on the right idea? One, you can cuddle in a different way, or put up with the complaints. True it is immature for the to handle it this way. I had my child cuddle up every time she wanted which gave me a sore arm that went away quickly. All they need to nicely is say their arn is sore can you lay on my lap? Immature and selfish yes. Keep looking. Best if luck
Rose, that actually makes PERFECT sense. My ex used to tell me ALL THE TIME way in the beginning that he was not a good guy. I never listened and thought he was just being humble LOL. So, he warned me too and when he upset me, it was obvious why, he was an a$$hole. I guess same goes with this guy. He will never be a nice guy because he also, is just an a$$hole. How so very nice of him to warn me. I guess this time I better listen.
the best advice I can give you is when a guy tells you something about himself.....listen to him......
so many women don't listen to what he says, they interpret it to mean something different, that they want to hear.....
That is so true, especially if you have such high hopes for him. I had a major crush on this guy and come to find out he really isn't all I had hoped he'd be. Instead of accept this fact and move on, I meld his words and actions into things I'd like to hear and see so I don't have to deal with the disappointment.
I've heard LOTS of guys say stuff like that. It's a passive-aggressive, but also very defensive move. They say it because they're upset that you're upset with them, and they feel like you're calling them an a-hole. They don't want to deal with it, so they chalk it up to "well I'm just an a-hole then". It's basically saying, "think what you want, I'm done talking about this". The real reason they say it though is probably because they don't like that you're upset with them and think they're anything less than perfect...but they also know there's nothing they can do to fix it at this point, so they're just gonna shut down. I wouldn't say every guy says stuff like that, but I've definitely heard it, so it's not uncommon. And yes, it has a lot to do with immaturity, because it is shutting a conversation down rather than continuing to talk it out and fix things.
Oh, and I also want to add, I think men say stuff like that when they really have no idea why you're so upset. They don't see what the "big deal" is, so it's usually a situation where you're not seeing things eye-to-eye.
I agree with what's been said here. It's just his way of saying "I don't really care that my behavior has upset you. I don't care about your feelings. I am who I am and I'm going to treat you as I see fit, and I have intention of changing for you. Take it or leave it." and yes, when a man tells you that, you'd be wise to listen to him, instead of thinking you can love him into loving you the way you want him to.
Did your therapist have any insights into this? Because although these 2 men are different as far as career paths and education, they really are very similar with regard to personality traits. So yes, you are subconsciously choosing men that you feel you need to please and seek praise from, instead of realizing that you're terrific and you don't need a man to approve of what you do or say or eat or wear. I'm interested to see if your therapist has any ideas because this is not completely uncommon among young women.
The Following User Says Thank You to CadenceA For This Useful Post: dee088 (09-30-2011)