It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-13-2011, 07:19 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Santa Ana, CA, USA
Posts: 4
cjlora HB User
Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I have a very difficult situation on my hand that I just do not know if I did the right thing. I would really appreciate all of your comments and advice. And Thank You for reading!

I have dated my bf for 3.5 years. He is 42 and I am 31. We have a great loving relationship. He was always emotionally available for me, he was caring, funny, and we share many similar values and attitude about life. He would tell me that I was the best gf he has ever had, and his past 3-4 love relationships were dead-end. However, even though that we had this great relationship, he was still unable to propose to me after 3.5 years being together. We would discuss in great detail about our future and future family, but he just could not make a decision. Here are the challenges and major obstacles between us:

#1 - His mother. She gave him an ultimatum for over 1.5 year already: if we get married, she will disown him and stop contacting him. Why?
Because I am not Jewish. She also seems to have a warped perception of me being controlling and manipulating of him. I feel that my bf is a mama's boy.
*Btw, she divorced his father when my bf was 21. I feel that she thinks of my bf as a surrogate husband.
*My bf does stick up for me all the time when his mother tells him bad things about me. But, I think her neg. opinions of me still have some influence on him because his behavior toward me would sometimes change after arguments with his mother. Last year, when his mother showed signs of stress and anxiety from the arguments that they had about our relationship, he told me that he's going to stop arguing with his mom because he does not want to aggravate his mom.
*He meets/talks to his mom 1-2 times per week. Is that a lot?
*His mother did not approve any of his past relationships.

#2 - We had a long-distance relationship, about 1 hour drive between us. So we basically see each other on the weekends. Of course, skype and phone were used.

#3 - I have a high stable income (locally) and he does freelance work. So, if we were to get married, he will have to move close to me, and away from his mom and friends.

#4 - Interfaith marriage. We however are both very open-minded to each other beliefs and plan to raise our children in both beliefs.

After 3.5 years of being together, and not seeing a positive future, I was getting impatient and gave him an ultimatum about us (which was last Monday). Before the ultimatum date, we were taking a 'break' from each other, I also stopped all contacts with him for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, he finally contacted me because he really missed our relationship and recognized how important I was in his life. We did discuss about all of the challenges that I listed above. His mother's ultimatum was the biggest obstacle for him. He half-jokingly said at one point if I could wait until his mom passes to marry him. Finally, the deadline came, but he never gave me a decision on that Monday because he showing/experiencing signs of clinical depression - anxiety, indecisiveness, loss of sleep, etc. It was like that he was a different person. And on Tuesday, he was diagnosed by the doctor of having clinical depression.

Since then, he went into the withdrawal stage. He has not return my emails/phone calls for over a week. Before going into this withdrawal stage. He wrote to me that he is having a nervous breakdown, and that I can't fix him. That this is something that he has to deal with himself. He did say that he will go into therapy at some point - but I do not know if he has done it or not as of this point.

Now, I am in the place where I feel that my ultimatum deadline pushed him overboard, into depression. My friends and family have been telling me that it is because that he is just not strong enough and I should just move on. But, I am having trouble moving on because I feel we were a great couple and I pushed him into this place.

What should I do now? Was I wrong giving him my ultimatum? Is this relationship worth keeping?

cjlora

 
The following 4 users give hugs of support to: cjlora
JanaJ (10-13-2011), ninamarc (10-20-2011), slenderella (10-13-2011), tinkerbell45 (10-14-2011)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-13-2011, 07:25 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
slenderella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 1,002
slenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB Userslenderella HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

I think you were more than patient. I think that I would feel a little guilty too, but I'm telling you, you made the right decision. You are not responsible for how your ex is handling things, and really, you don't even know if maybe he's just trying to manipulate you TO feel exactly how you are feeling and get back into the same relationship.
I think your red flags are right on the money, honey. Don't look back, you're doing the right thing for yourself.

stay strong, Sue

 
The Following User Says Thank You to slenderella For This Useful Post:
cjlora (10-18-2011)
Old 10-13-2011, 11:08 PM   #3
Inactive
(female)
 
JanaJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 283
JanaJ HB UserJanaJ HB UserJanaJ HB UserJanaJ HB UserJanaJ HB UserJanaJ HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

You definitely did the right thing. You cannot carry on living your life around his mother's manipulation.

I know it must be really difficult for you, but hang on in there.

It's not your fault that he's now suffering.

He has to sort himself out. As has been said, he is not your responsibility.

Good luck x

 
The Following User Says Thank You to JanaJ For This Useful Post:
cjlora (10-18-2011)
Old 10-14-2011, 04:06 AM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 241
tinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB Usertinkerbell45 HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Hi there. I just finished reading your post and i want to tell you that i do not think you were wrong to give your boyfriend an ultimatum. You have given him 3.5 years of your life and he is STILL not sure?? Hate to say it but there IS something wrong with that picture.Ask yourself if the roles were reserved would he just keep waiting on you or would he move on?? I think it is ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS that his mother is treating him like that,so what if you are not Jewish that does NOT mean that you and your boyfriend can't have a "spiritual relationship"" on your own level.As for the depression PLEASE DO NOT let him lay that on you sure he may be depressed some because of the "break" that you all took but that wasn't all your fault AND he did come back to you.So i guess the bottom line is to follow your heart but don't wait forever because everyone deserves to be happy.Until next time TAKE CARE!!!

 
The Following User Says Thank You to tinkerbell45 For This Useful Post:
cjlora (10-18-2011)
Old 10-14-2011, 05:13 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Belly Kelly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 852
Blog Entries: 1
Belly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

You absolutely did the right thing! My good friend has been with her boyfriend for 15 years and he won't marry her because she isn't Asian. It would kill (get this) his MOTHER! They live together, he is a doctor so he pays for everything, and yet, he can't marry her. Absurd! Now, she is disabled due to a rare disease and he still won't marry her. (but they are still together).

I don't understand men like this. It may be cultural, but plenty of people with different faiths and ethnic backgrounds marry and live happily ever after. Honestly, his mother would probably get over it in time, esp. if you had children. For now, it is about control. Stay strong!
__________________
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

 
The following user gives a hug of support to Belly Kelly:
tinkerbell45 (10-14-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to Belly Kelly For This Useful Post:
cjlora (10-18-2011)
Old 10-14-2011, 07:47 AM   #6
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 450
BigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Listen to what your friends and these posters are telling you. You could spend the next 10 years, your prime childbearing years, with this man who will not "leave" his momma for you. Then where will you be?

Even if he did "cave" and ask you to marry, you will be living with the same issues day in and day out. His mother is always going to be the way she is, and will only get worse as she gets older. And think of how it would impact any children you have? Do you want children to grow up with the example of a man who can be so easily controlled by the women around him?

I understand that you had a good r/s with this man and that you probably feel that you love him. But you need to think of your own emotional health and your needs. You've spent 3.5 years already - do you want to spend the rest of your life with the same conflict, the same issues - until you grow so disillusioned and disappointed and begin to treat him with disrespect?

 
The Following User Says Thank You to BigRed54 For This Useful Post:
tinkerbell45 (10-15-2011)
Old 10-18-2011, 09:45 AM   #7
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Santa Ana, CA, USA
Posts: 4
cjlora HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice.

I also had a first session with my counselor, and she pointed out that clinical depressed people usually have some form of depression in their life history. So, I should not blame myself for the onset of this severe depression that happened to him. And I have came to accept this fact.

Yes, I do need to move on about this since he is not willing to sort this out on his own.

My question is now... because he is in depression, and he does not have many close friends. With me being his closest friend (in the past), should I continue to support and encourage him and be his friend?

Right now, he is emotionally distant already. We did not contact each for a week since 2 Mondays ago. Then, he began to contact me he every other day (via email most of the time). The content in the email is usually depressing to read as he wishes me the best in the next relationship, that he's experience physical/health issues too.

I am trying to encourage him to seek therapy. He said "ok" for the past 2 weeks but still haven't done so. I don't know what to do now!

Any advise? I guess I can also ask my counselor.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to cjlora:
jillian4 (10-19-2011)
Old 10-19-2011, 11:14 PM   #8
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 386
jillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Sure, he wants you to lean on and dump his depression on...that's no life for you. And it's all he has to offer.

Feeling for him doesn't help or he would be helped. I have suffered severe PTSD and depression, too. But he has to want to change and he has to do the work. I say no, do not be his supporter. Be there for yourself and develop positive relationships.

Don't take it that I have no empathy for him or other sufferers. I sure do. But we cannot help them. They have to help themselve, by making positive decisions, even if just babysteps. If he were doing that I doubt you would be here seeking advice.

I don't think it is healthy for either of you to continue being available to him.

Last edited by jillian4; 10-28-2011 at 08:32 AM.

 
Old 10-20-2011, 09:53 AM   #9
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Santa Ana, CA, USA
Posts: 4
cjlora HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Quote:
Originally Posted by HolyMoly View Post
Sure, he wants you to lean on and dump his depression on...that's no life for you. And it's all he has to offer.

Feeling for him doesn't help or he would be helped. I have suffered severe PTSD and depression, too. But he has to want to change and he has to do the work. I say no, do not be his supporter. Be there for yourself and develop positive relationships.

Don't take it that I have no empathy for him or other sufferers. I sure do. But we cannot help them. They have to help themselve, by making positive decisions, even if just babysteps. If he were doing that I doubt you would be here seeking advice.

I don't thtink it is healthy for either of you to continue being available to him.
Thank you so much for the advice! I will definitely keep that in consideration because every time he re-contact me, I do feel like being 'drained' again (obsess thinking about him) and have to get back to 'normal' (my normal life).

My counselor said the similar thing to me yesterday that he has to do the load of work on his own. I feel that he is in denial and thus did not seek therapy even though he told me that he is going to. It has already been 3 weeks since his depression diagnosis, and nothing has happened.

So... it's about time that I accept this fact.

 
Old 10-20-2011, 11:11 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Belly Kelly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 852
Blog Entries: 1
Belly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB UserBelly Kelly HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

I feel the only thing you can do is respond positively to him if he emails you, but don't go out of your way to email or call him. Keep mentioning counseling and just wanting the best for him. Best of luck, you are a strong person!
__________________
"There's a big difference in playing the victim than in causing your own personal drama." -BK

 
Old 10-20-2011, 11:28 AM   #11
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Santa Ana, CA, USA
Posts: 4
cjlora HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belly Kelly View Post
I feel the only thing you can do is respond positively to him if he emails you, but don't go out of your way to email or call him. Keep mentioning counseling and just wanting the best for him. Best of luck, you are a strong person!
That is a GREAT idea!

I have been trying to restrain myself from contacting him. But, that isn't quite working because I was quite concerned about his health - he's isolating himself from others. One good thing though, it's getting a bit easier over time to make myself not to send emails to him due to his infrequent responses.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to cjlora:
jillian4 (10-28-2011)
Old 10-20-2011, 12:13 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

I guess you are right. This relationship is not going anywhere. However if his Mom is against you, you have no way to get in unless she accepts your conversion if you convert to their religion. It seems there is no point if she is not for you. The bf probably should stand up on his own to be assertive. But again, you cannot ask him to disconnect with his Mom - it is his family... So you did the right thing.
He just has to get over this depression. Either he finds a Jewish girl, or tell his Mom that it is no way for her to manipulate him like this. Anyhow it is his family issue.

You are clever that you are out of this. He is depressed because of his Mom. It is his family problem. I would not really say he is so childish or what. He got a serious family problem and you don't need to be in the middle.

Good luck! I hope you find a better guy for you!

Hugs,
Nina

 
Old 10-28-2011, 08:55 AM   #13
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 386
jillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB Userjillian4 HB User
Re: Was I wrong? (ultimatum to my bf)

Good for you, cjlora!

Sometimes we can think we have to quit caring to get disentangled from unhealthy dependence, but I think real caring means saying no to whatever is unhealthy for us. We can only fix ourselves. We can choose only for our own selves.

Making a life choice of a partner is a very important decison. I don't think the mother is the problem. The son is not choosing to be separate from his mother, yet, if he ever will. Maybe he doesn't know how to love her and be separate. So you are wise to understand you can't fix that for him, and that you don't need to feel you have to change who you are to please his mother.

Congratulations for your insight and personal strength to deal with it inside of yourself, retain your own values and remain a caring person.

There are many people and things we need to say no to. I am really proud of your ability to say no with kindness!

(I just wanted to add that it may be healthy for your freind to take time to himself to think over his own values. Perhaps he will be happier with someone of his own faith. He needs to figure this out for himself, because it's not about his mother. It's about being sure of his own values. What you are seeing as unhealthy may be in fact exactly what he needs right now.)

Last edited by jillian4; 10-28-2011 at 09:02 AM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
whats wrong with me? marhadebe Relationship Health 14 08-02-2010 09:44 AM
second time I've had to give this ultimatum stac327 Relationship Health 2 10-22-2008 01:58 AM
am i wrong? how do i come to terms with someone else's morality veerjay Relationship Health 9 03-07-2008 05:17 PM
He says nothings wrong whatshouldIdo Relationship Health 19 08-23-2006 05:46 AM
Please Help Me Figure Out What Is Wrong?? Aalyisha Relationship Health 7 02-21-2006 07:57 PM

Tags
committment problems, mama's boy, relationship advice, relationship over, ultimatum



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:38 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!