i need some advice, someone please help!!!!!!! i live with my fiance ive known now for about 12 years and we just reconnected a few months ago while i was visiting my hometown on vacation, a so i packed up all my things i had 900 miles away(including my 1 1/2 yr old son) and moved back to my hometown to be with him. Everything was fine, he proposed to me and we were happy as ever. I seen the way he treated his mother, he was controlling and so mean to her, if she didnt do what he said he would throw a fit and lash out at her calling her names and punching holes in her wall. I didnt think he would start doing it to be but he did...If one of my guy friends texts me (that he knows also cause we all went to school together) or if i want to go out with my girlfriends or guy friends for a few drinks or anything to catch up with my friends i havent seen in years he FLIPPS OUT! Hes pushed me down on the ground numerous times to the point where i had bruises all over my legs and arms from him grabbing me, he throws things, punches holes in the walls, he took the ID out of my wallet so i couldnt go out, he took all my money out of my wallet and spends it so i have no money to go out, he calls me horrible names, threatens to call his ex girlfriend, constantly compares me to her(tells me im just like her and he should have just stayed with her) which triggers me and i get irate, he threatens hes not going to watch my son while i go to work anymore(then i stress out cause i feel i may lose my job because i dont have a babysitter).. im not going to lie ive slapped him in the face before cause i try to ignore him but he follows me around pushing my buttons and nagging at me, i try ignoring him but i think it makes it worse! I left where i was living 900 miles away, sold my car for a plane ticket and money to live on until i found a job and started a whole new live back in my hometown just to be with him, i dont know what else to do to prove to him i dont want anyone else.Ive packed my things up and left 3 times already and threatened to leave him if he doesnt change, he always says hes sorry and to give him another chance so i do. I dont want my son to be effected by my relationship, and when i do leave his mother gets really upset and says "im the only one that knows how to deal with his issues" and i like to think i know how to deal with it but i really dont! its emotionally straining me and triggers my anxiety really bad! Hes not like this all the time, only when something happens(usually with a male) and it triggers him, when were not fighting hes great to me and were really happy. Please any advice will help, i want to help him and i want us to be happy..please helppp
Wow, that's terrible. I feel so bad for you. You either need to get him some kind of help through a therapist/councillor or you should leave in my honest opinion. That is a bad environment for your children, and your man needs to grow up, fast. He's supposed to love you, not make you feel this way. I think the relationship is becoming unhealthy, and as much as you think you're stuck surely you can go and live with a family member for awhile while you sort yourself out if you do leave?
EDIT: Also, who the hell does he think he is, threatening you with the ex-girlfriend comments, what a piece of work.
Last edited by Ayria; 11-16-2011 at 10:12 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Ayria For This Useful Post: Shelly1988 (11-16-2011)
i could go live with my mother but i wont have a sitter for my son and then ill lose my job that i just got a week ago that pays pretty decent...then ill be back to square 1. everytime i leave he knows exactly what to say to get me back and i cant help but go back...im in love with him. another thing that scares me is i feel like he isnt taking to my son as well as id like him to..but i cant complain, its not his son, so i give him credit for even being with someone that already has a child.. I dont know what it feels like to be really loved by him, he barely shows me affection unless were in bed(if u catch my drift) and he always just seems unhappy but hes not, Hes also addicted to Hydrocodone and it always seems like hes on edge until he gets them and then once he does hes in a GREAT mood and its like were the happiest couple in the world...idk, its so weird and hard to explain...thank you for the advice tho!
i know what you mean, but when he doesnt have them were still okay it just hes a little more irritable..i just want to be happy with him and be able to go out and grab some drinks with our friends without him getting jealous or mad over something stupid, last time he was following me around in my ear saying "the next guy you talk to im gunna punch in the face" because i was talking to someone i went to school with years ago(that apparently thought i was attractive) that he doesnt like, so i had to leave out of fear that one of my friends was going to get hit in the face..he continued to follow me all the way home saying im a "piece of ****" and "his ex was better then me" and "he was going to call her and go cheat on me with her" and all this other bull....then the next day im upset with him cause of the way he overreacts and he makes me feel like its all my fault and kindof like i deserve what i got because i "shouldnt be talking to ANY other guys, friend or not" ...his father left him when he was young so he has really bad abandonment issues, he always says he acts that way cause hes afraid im going to leave him like his father did, but i mean i left my whole life for him and moved and started all over for him and he STILL has doubts...i dont know what else to do to prove to him...
The Following User Says Thank You to Shelly1988 For This Useful Post: Seraph (01-04-2012)
Abandonment issues aside, the abuse he gives you about his ex and most of his behavior is purely manipulative and horrible. You can't justify even half of the things he is doing, I know you want to make this work, so badly, I can really feel for you there but what you're probably looking at is a man who cannot leave his baggage at the door, a man who is not willing to change, and it might take you being strong and leaving this man to realise what his actions have made him lose.
look up BPD, borderline personality disorder......it stems from abandonment issues. I discovered an ex had it when i started coming here and researching anger management.
your BF sounds like he has this and there is no cure, no fix.....please do not expose your child to this anymore......this is a very serious personality disorder. That aside, even without saying that, this is a very unhealthy relationship, and an unhealthy environment for your child to be in. Your son deserves better. You will find a way. saying you won't have a sitter is just an excuse. what if he hurts your son someday? then what? and trust me, he IS capable of it.....if only just to hurt you.....
he's manipulative and controlling and you're falling right into it.
stop making excuses for him, your life and your childs future depend on it.
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post: Shelly1988 (11-16-2011)
Hello, your relationship sounds very similar to mine, very different circumstances, but the way my partner reacts to things that upset or stress him out, is very much the same. He has called me every name you can think of, punched walls, smashed glasses, slapped, kicked, bitten, choked, punched me, and it always seems to get blamed on me, that if I didn't upset him I he wouldn't react this way, I am constantly compared to his ex, either I am not good like her, she was better at this or that, or I am exactly the same as her and he may as well have stayed with her. I have tried to explain to him that it is very normal to get upset, stressed and angry but the way he expresses these emotions has to change, and it is something that only he can work on, nobody else can help him, and he has to accept that he has an anger management problem before he can seek help for this. Perhaps you could try telling your fiance this. I am very sorry for the hard time you are going through, and I can also empathise because when things are good, we are so perfect together, but when one little thing upsets him, whether it be him imagining I looked at another male, to something as ridiculous as bad traffic, he will flip out and cannot control himself. I have never tried to leave or even threatened to leave, in fact the opposite, possibly because I am too scared to lose him.
I wish you all the best and I hope your partner can find the help he needs.
The Following User Says Thank You to geos For This Useful Post: Shelly1988 (11-28-2011)
You need to leave walk out that door and never ever look back. It won't work out. You will never have a normal life with him. He's a mean pill addict!!! Things are only going to get worse.
How on earth do you ever trust some bully like this to leave your small son with??? You say he's not really taking to your son that well? next he will be abusing him!!!
Stop trying to make excuses for him..Abandonment issues BALONEY..Hes a mean controlling bully who is hooked on pills. You can and should do better..Just pack up get out and never look back!!! Hes not your Mr.Right far from it..Your or/and your son will be seriously hurt soon if you stay..
You know what you SHOULD do? Don't stand for it. Either you leave, or he does. He is abusive, rude, irritable and most importantly HE has inflicted phsyical pain on your being, and chances are he will do it again.
He wants to control you, at what cost? Physical abuse? Pain? Anger? Threats? He will continue to be this way, you cannot change someone like that. Regardless, of how helpless or "upset" they may be, you have a child, you need to thinking to yourself "Is this environment safe for me, and my child?" if you do NOT feel safe, go somewhere you know is. Else you will not be happy, and don't think you should be with him because your "In love" with him.
Stockholm syndrome is a real thing, it does exist. If he is abusive to you, and your scared to leave him, get the police involved. Have them remove him from the premises, and you can go free on your way.
Strong words, I know. But, at the end of the day I will not give you the typical "Try to change him..." crap, as 90% of all men, are ignorant, rude, and will NOT listen to their partners. I however, do listen. And it sounds to me, you are in a hostile environment, which is NOT safe for you, or your child. And he's showing agression by pushing you over, onto the floor, do you think he won't hit your child? He will. He might not do now, BUT he will. Believe me, if you stay with this man, you will be under lock, key and camera ALL the time. You will spend the rest of your life, scared and worried about what he will do.
I've seen it happen before, and I should hope it will never happen again. But the one thing I guarantee, is that you do NOT need this low-life, scumbag, wifebeating peice of dirt. Go out, get yourself into a safe place, and no matter how much he grovels, crys, or "wants you back" he will NEVER CHANGE. Believe me.
Do what is right, you KNOW it is right. Don't wait till' it's too late.
- EDIT :
Let me also add that, you defending him is not a good thing... Like I said, STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. You came here, asking for advice, and you're sitting there on the fence about it? If people are telling you to GET OUT of there, YOU SHOULD. You ARE in danger, your SON is in danger. He's a scumbag addict, who has "Daddy issues" big deal! I'm sure MOST of us here, have issues with our past, or how we were treated when we were kids. Look how we turned out? We're fine. We don't need pills, we don't beat our partners, we don't abuse or verbally attack others. If you came here asking for advice, you're going to hear the truth, it might sound harsh... But sometimes, life is harsh. If you don't want the help, then you are just as much to blame as he is. If you're not prepared to save yourself and your son, then I dont know what else we can do. We can only write things on a website, you have to do the rest. If you want out, you leave him. If not, then, whatever happens is down to you. But I hope you do leave him and make the right call, for you and your child. I dont want to see on the news your name and his face, and a court trial over something awful... If you catch my drift?
when were not fighting hes great to me and were really happy. Please any advice will help, i want to help him and i want us to be happy..please helppp
Yeah, and other than that, how did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln? When he's not beating you, pushing you, bruising you, threatening you, controlling you, verbally or physically abusing you, things are great. I hope now that you've seen it in print, you can see more clearly just how nonsensical that is. You have textbook battered woman syndrome. It's like being addicted to gambling. Gambling wouldn't be anywhere near as fun if the slot machine paid off every time you pulled the lever. He keeps you hooked just enough to keep putting quarters in. A little snuggle here, a sweet word there, then things are horrible, then he's oh so sorry, then you put some more quarters in hoping for that big pay off, hoping to make sweet loving guy stay and make mean abusive guy go away for good. But real life ain't that way.
The thing is, you CAN'T help him. His problems are not yours to fix. They are for him to fix, and he sees no reason to. And as long as he has you right where he wants you and he knows you're never really going to leave, then he has no reason to get real help. You will never be happy with him as long as he's so unhappy with himself, and that is something he is going to have to fix on his own. And he's nowhere near ready, willing or able to even care to start fixing it. You have two options...continue being abused, and have your son be abused, have your son learn that this is how men behave, and have your son grow up to be just like this guy and never know what it is to really love a woman and be in a mature, heathly respectful relationship, or you can leave. If it were just you, I'd say learn your lesson the hard way if that's what you feel you need to do, but you have a child that you are responsible for. And you don't have the luxury of being too weak to get out of an abusive relationship. It's not fair to your son. For his sake you really need to start wrapping your mind around reality and do whatever you can to get away from this guy, get a restraining order if you have to, call the police, stay with friends or family, rally any kind of support system you can muster, and provide a better, abuse and violence-free environment for your son. He doesn't deserve this.
If you didn't have a child, you would have a choice. It would be just you in the situation and you could agree to go along with this relationship. However, you are not alone. You have your son to think about. Every decision that you make will effect him FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!
You simply do not have the choice to stay in an abusive relationship, no matter how badly you want to stay.
If you stay, you choose to stay, with full knowledge that you are hurting your son.