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Old 11-23-2011, 01:58 AM   #1
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Please help

I don't know where to start, or if my story will make sense to anyone, but I found this website today and thought that maybe I could write how I feel and what I'm going through and find someone to talk to that might understand or listen to how I feel without judging me.

If I wrote down everything that has happened this year, from the start, it would take me a week, but I will try to tell the basic story. I met my boyfriend in March of this year, on a Thursday night. We spent the whole next day together, talking and both felt a very strong 'connection' (for lack of a better word), that neither of us expected, or really wanted. I had recently come out of a 4.5 year relationship, and I would soon find out that this man I had just met was still in one. Anyway, the next day, Saturday, we wanted to see each other again, so we spent the morning sitting in a cafe and talking. We were both exhausted, neither had really slept since Thursday night. We wanted to go to his house, simply to fall asleep next to each other, but he said that before we went there he needed to tell me something. He looked very uncomfortable, and I said it doesn't matter what it is, as long as you are honest. He was scared that I would be angry or upset with him, and I promised I wouldn't be if he just told me. He proceeded to tell me that he was married, had been for about 6 months, that she had very recently moved back in with her parents as he said he needed space and time to think. I was shocked, I didn't understand how I could feel something so strong between us when he was married to somebody else. But I thanked him for his honesty, and asked him what he wanted to do (in regards to myself). He said the he was very confused, but he would still like to see me, and that he wanted us to go home to his house. I agreed, on the terms that if I ever came between him and his wife then I would have to end it, as growing up in a broken home, I would never want to come between a marriage.

From the very beginning, he was very honest to both his wife and I, didn't leave anything out, never lied. There is a lot more to the story, in between when we first met and now, but a very long story short, he is no longer with his wife, not because of me, he and I said good bye to each other more than once, for him to work things out with her, and it always ended in him needing me again, or me needing him, he wasn't feeling loved or cared about from his wife, which was the reason he met me in the first place, if he and been happy at home he wouldn't have been in the position to meet somebody else or given anybody else a second thought but he felt as though she didn't care or love him, even though she said he did, he says actions speak louder than words, which I also believe is true. At the end of their marriage, he found out that she had been seeing somebody else for a period of about 2 months, and had lied to him about it completely. She said she had not been with anybody in any way, she swore to God and on her mother's life, but in the end the truth came out which really broke him down, because to be such an honest person is not easy, but he is always very truthful as this is the way he would like to be treated, and he really trusted her, only for it to come crashing down on him.

Anyway, jump to 4 months later, he has been living overseas for work, which is perfect timing for him, I have come to visit him, I have been here 6 weeks now. I was so happy and thankful to be with him, we had been talking every day on Skype, he has very severe depression and anxiety and it was hurting us both to be away from each other, as through the whole ordeal with his wife I was there for him, not because I felt i had to be but because I wanted to help him, because I loved him and also because I could see he really needed someone. Through his depression, physical illness, suicide attempts, multiple trips to the hospital, stress and anxiety, I was there through it all and I think he would not have been able to cope if I wasn't there.

He tells me that he isn't ready to commit to another relationship, has said so since it ended with his now ex, and I really do understand this. However we feel as though we don't want to lose each other, yet he cannot be with me because he needs freedom, space and time to grieve over what happened and eventually move forward. It is so complicated, we both wish we could put our relationship "on hold" until he is ready to commit but obviously this cannot work. All I want is him to be happy, to see him get better, succeed in his work which he is starting to really move forward in, and which will require him to do a lot of travelling in the next few months, perhaps even years. I love him so deeply, I cannot imagine living our lives without one another, the things we have been through I feel like nothing will ever break us down, as long as we keep fighting for what we have.

He says he is scared to love, scared to open his heart to someone again. Although I understand, this really hurts me because I have completely given him my heart, all of my love. He says he cares about me, but doesn't know anymore whether he loves me or not, because he is still confused. He doesn't want to lose me, he wishes he was ready and wants me in his life, but he knows he isn't ready to commit and says it isn't fair on either of us if he did because he wouldn't be able to give me what I need (in regards to emotional support, love etc.)

I just don't know what to do, he has a very angry side to him, no matter what is going wrong he will flip out, find a way to blame it on me, to the point where the traffic is terrible and we are running late, he will somehow find a way that it is my fault. He blames his failed marriage on me, his current unhappiness on me, tells me to leave him alone and give him space. My head is telling me to go, to let him be happy on his own and that if he comes back, he is truly mine. But my heart won't let me leave, is telling me that no matter what, that I should stay, that we have come through the hardest part and that if we keep on fighting that nothing will every bring us down. My heart is scared that if I let him go, I will lose him forever, and I know that no love will ever be like this one.

I am feeling very lonely, I have lost to good friends recently, who I thought I could trust but I have now realised they weren't really there for me, when they hard been through hard times, I was there, but now when I need someone they are nowhere to be seen. I have had a falling out with my father who I was very close to, his actions have really hurt me deeply and I feel I cannot trust him again, which makes me very sad as we were quite close. Being with my boyfriend has changed me a lot, I am only 19 years old, he is 28, and I feel I have really matured a lot, I have no interest in the things that people my age are doing, I still want to have fun, travel, experience 'life' before settling down as I know I am still very young and should make the most of all the oppurtunities at my feet, but I now feel I cannot relate to anybody. I am hurting, because when we first met, he was so loving, caring, affectionate towards me, as I am to him, but since leaving his wife he very rarely shows me any of this, as it hurts him to give anything to a person with the chance to get hurt from it. Yet, he has slept with other women, has kissed other women, and the picture of this breaks my heart, as it is something that I treasure so much between us. I know it means nothing with them but I can't imagine having anything with another person, because my feelings are so strong.

I'm not sure if this will even make sense to anybody, I have left a lot of the story out, but my feelings at the moment are that I really love him so much, I don't want to imagine a life without him in it, and feel that nothing will make me happy if I can't share it with him. I feel lonely, like I have noone to talk to, I have lost my friends and my father, and it is hard to talk to my boyfriend about these things because it is related to both of us. We are still in China, are returning home in two weeks so I am planning to start counselling sessions when I get home, just to talk about the way I am feeling. I don't know what to do, I am trying to give him love and care, but he says that one part of him wants it, and the other doesn't at all. That if he was ready for a relationship it would be perfect, he couldn't ask for anything better. Yet when he is angry, I get called names, he tells me he hates me, he wishes he never met me, that if he had never met me he would still be married (I tell him that if he was happy with her, he would not have met me in the first place, and would he rather be stronger and wiser, with the world at his feet, or trapped in an unhappy relationship?). I don't want to trap him either, I want to see him keep growing, keep getting better, to support him and have him support me, wherever we go. Nothing matters to me as long as we care about each other.

I am just so scared to lose him, but I want what is best and I want us both to be happy, which right now neither of us are because of the circumstances. If anybody could give some advice, or some kind words, just to make me feel a little better, that would be really great because I am feeling very down at the moment and don't know what to do, and have nobody to talk to.

Thank you for reading.

 
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Old 11-23-2011, 09:45 PM   #2
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Re: Please help

geos, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. And I'm almost certain that you are not going to want to hear what I have to say, but I have to say it anyway and hope that you will at least listen and think about it a little.

I think, with all due respect, the fact that you are afraid to be without a man who is so troubled (anxiety, suicide attempts), non-commital (doesn't want a relationship), and verbally abusive so you (out-of-proportion anger, blaming you for everything), the fact that you cannot bear the thought of losing a man like this, says that you are still so very young and still have a lot to learn about men and relationships. I'm sure Rosequartz will have something to say, she's kind of the resident expert when it comes to co-dependence, and that's what this is. This isn't love, this is unhealthy co-dependence. The feeling that you NEED someone despite the fact that they do not treat you in a loving way, says that you don't need him because you love him, but rather, you love him because you need him. Can I ask why you think your friends have checked out? Could it be that they're tired of all the drama that surrounds your life because of this man? Could it be because he didn't like them and in some way caused you to phase them out of your life?

The truth is, you do not have the power to fix this guy. I know the Beauty and the Beast and other fairy tales tell us when we're little girls that is our love is pure, good and strong enough, it can turn a beast into a wonderful, loving prince. But real life just ain't that way. You cannot fix him, you can't change him, you can't save him, and you can't love him into loving you the way you want him to. He's made his choice and you can't unmake it for him. I would say leave this guy alone and get back to enjoying being 19, and doing what a 19 year old should be doing, dating around, discovering what is healthy, and what kind of man really makes you happy and what you really want, and what you really don't want, and what is best for you, in a relationship.

 
Old 11-24-2011, 07:12 AM   #3
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Re: Please help

Thank you for the reply, Larrylou'smom, and although what you have said is not what I really want to hear, it is definitely the response I was expecting. I think that maybe deep down, I know what you are saying is true, but at the same time, as much as I do need him and he needs me as well in some way, that I really do love him as well. It may sound silly coming from a 19 year old and maybe it is, perhaps I need to go and experience more of life and learn what I do and don't want and need, but I guess this is just another lesson, unfortunately some have to learn the hard way I guess!

My friends have decided to leave for a few different reasons, my closest is quite ill with cancer so for her there are a lot of personal things going on and she didn't agree with my relationship, but there were a lot of other factors also, including family issues. My boyfriend never really said much about my friends at all, he had met them and never had a bad word to say, except when he saw that they were so ready to leave me when I was going through a hard time he said that they aren't very nice and probably weren't really true friends.

I have never really thought about it in the way of fixing or saving him, or changing him to be something that I imagine to be perfect, as I have said to him I love him for who he is, both the good and the bad, I realise it is not possible to change a person and I wouldn't want to change him, but I believe it would be the right thing to do to stand by him and support him through the hard times he is going through, as I hope he would do the same for me.

At first I thought I was being strong to hold on, keep pushing through and being there for him no matter what, now I am slowly beginning to realise that perhaps I am weaker than I imagined myself to be, unable to walk away for fear of losing him. I don't know the answer, I wish there was a textbook solution for this sort of thing, something that was guaranteed to work (doesn't everyone dream of this??) but I guess I will just see how things go, I will let him know that I will always be there for him, if he needs anything, someone to talk to a place to stay, anything, he can come to me and I will always do the best I can to help, but I know in my heart that I need to take a step back, let him grieve for what he has lost, let him have his time and space and freedom and if when he is ready for a relationship, we will see how we both feel about it and each other when the time comes. I can only hope these hard times for both of us pass soon.

I really appreciate your response, reading your words have really made me feel a little better, even though I do not know you and it is not even what I wanted to hear, but just to know someone is listening feels nice.

Thank you

 
Old 11-25-2011, 07:06 AM   #4
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Re: Please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by geos View Post
but I know in my heart that I need to take a step back, let him grieve for what he has lost, let him have his time and space and freedom and if when he is ready for a relationship, we will see how we both feel about it and each other when the time comes. I can only hope these hard times for both of us pass soon.
I think this is what you need to take a closer look at. I don't think what he is experiencing is "hard times." He is experiencing the fall out that comes with being him. Drama, chaos, trouble and misery will always follow him because of who he is, the choices he makes, and how he handles things.

You say you don't want to change him, that you love him for exactly who he is. But who he is is someone who doesn't want a relationship with you. So how many years are you planning on loving someone who won't or can't love you back enough to even want to be in a relationship with you? You need to be honest with yourself. You don't really love him for who he is, because he is someone who does NOT want a relationship with you, and you do want him to want a relationshp with you. You do want him to be someone who doesn't threaten suicide, someone who doesn't verbally abuse you, blame you for everything, etc. etc. etc. And you should. A smart, self respecting woman doesn't enjoy being treated like this, and neither should you. But deep down in your gut you know he is not really what you want, and more importantly, you know deep in your gut that he is not what you NEED. I understand you love him, and that's ok. It is possible to love someone and still accept the fact that you should BE with that person. But just because you love someone, that doesn't mean it becomes your obligation to sacrifice your life to that person and allow them to treat you badly and mess up your life. He's an adult and at some point it must become HIS responsibility to take care of his own life, his own emotional needs. That's not your job.

I also think you should think about why you enjoy being the "fix it" girl, being the one who fixes all his emotional boo boos and being the one he has made responsible for his happiness, who sits there and takes his verbal abuse and crazy-making behavior, blaming you for things that are his responsibility, not yours, etc. It's not healthy to want to be that girl, so you need to think about why you do want to be that girl.

 
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